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Ozzy @ozzyunc Chapel Hill, NC

Father! Scribbler! Go Heels!🐏 Go D-Bulls!🐂 Friends/fun only.

6,860 Following   8,189 Followers   86,330 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/14/14

If he calls his penis his "mini me", just pull your underwear back up and go home.
Retweeted by OzzyThe only Sports I play is the Huey Lewis album.
Retweeted by Ozzy*before bar room brawl Bartender, here is my health insurance and emergency contacts.
Retweeted by OzzyAt the bar drunk af. Think I've got 2 contacts in one eye. Winking at everybody. Either going to get laid or get my ass beat.
Retweeted by OzzyListen. I'm not say Iceberg is better than Romaine. I'm just saying it's a better lettuce
Retweeted by OzzyDreams of butt rubs...
Retweeted by OzzyIf this dude at the bar doesn’t stop throwing me the stink eye, I’m gonna have to whoop his ass in an interpretive dance-off.
Retweeted by OzzyMy new quarantine hobby: quoting from books I've never read
Retweeted by OzzyTrust a person as far as you can throw them. Pointless to say, I trust the fuck out of babies.
Retweeted by OzzyI was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Retweeted by OzzyDo parent’s punish children by giving them shitty middle names? Mine is Edna.
Retweeted by Ozzylazy gf and smart bf ..... that
Retweeted by OzzyYou regret your mistakes. I learn from mine. We are not the same.
Retweeted by OzzySome days you are Frank Grimes. Some days you are Homer Simpson. But you are always Marge. That’s life.
Retweeted by OzzyThem: May I ask you a question Me: Nachos Them: I haven't asked the question Me: Nachos is always the answer
Retweeted by OzzyI forgot the term “Pyrotechnics” and called it man-made thunderstorms.
Retweeted by OzzyThe older I get the more I prefer listening to talking.
Retweeted by OzzyI went from being a home kindergarten teacher with my 5-year-old to checking Twitter and finding that I can been ki…
Retweeted by OzzyI promise not to block anyone else again Narrator: until her next period
Retweeted by OzzyFreedom's just another word for taking off your bra.
Retweeted by OzzyWife: Could you at least TRY to use less Star Wars quotes when you talk to me? Me: Do, or do not....there is no tr…
Retweeted by OzzyCurrent Mood: Hiding in my office at work wishing my desk was made of chocolate.
Retweeted by OzzyYou’re the “tribal butterfly tramp stamp” of people.
Retweeted by OzzyCrepes are just pancakes that wear berets, drink French champagne and smoke Gauloises.
Retweeted by OzzyMy son is the yoga instructor of chip bags: fold it towards yourself not away from yourself
Retweeted by OzzyNo strings attached love is for puppets.
Retweeted by OzzyAprès moi, le déluge, I murmur as another acquaintance who is fond of the word pretentious tells me to leave Twitter.
Retweeted by OzzyHave negative energy? Sacrifice a goat. Follow me for more spiritual mentoring.
Retweeted by OzzyI think I know what you did with the rod after you made a dress from the curtains.Mild salsa is only acceptable if you're celebrating Cinco de Mayo in The Mexican Pavillion at Epcot Center.
Retweeted by OzzyGuy trying to impress me with selfies in my DM's is really making my BF look even hotter.
Retweeted by OzzyYour ex texts you after 4 years, 'I miss you' What is your reply?
Retweeted by OzzyLoud horses and wild pigs? Worst neighboars ever!
Retweeted by OzzyI use a meat thermometer when I make chicken because I like to know for sure that it's overcooked.
Retweeted by OzzyYou're so 2 thousand and twenty. My tweets are 2 thousand not funny.
Retweeted by OzzyFuck stealing his hoodie... I'll take the flannel
Retweeted by OzzyTeardrop tattoo only it’s hot sauce from the tacos I had for dinner.
Retweeted by OzzyI was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, y…
Retweeted by OzzyA methadone clinic, but for Reese’s peanut butter eggs.
Retweeted by OzzyI am head over heels in love with you and yet I cry.
Retweeted by Ozzy
I've had a rough day. Let's go TP Joss Whedon's house.
Retweeted by OzzyIf your survival plan doesn’t include both plain and peanut m&m’s don’t you dare call yourself a prepper bro
Retweeted by Ozzy#WCW it's more than a crush.. They're family @justmebritlea @clamsgirl1 @Lilblack_heart @FeralFerrell
Retweeted by OzzyI eat waffles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 3 square meals a day!
Retweeted by OzzyI'm not broken so much as structurally unsound.
Retweeted by OzzyI'd be a very nice person if not for other people.I don’t trust people who aren’t funny.
Retweeted by OzzyTriscuits taste like if a Dorito and a cereal box had sex.
Retweeted by OzzyI don’t need anyone to rescue me but I do need someone to remove the pit from my avocado.
Retweeted by OzzyFind a sinner who speaks to your soul.
Retweeted by OzzyNow that I’ve hit ten k I bet I’ll finally get some respect around here... *gets pantsed*
Retweeted by OzzyDoodles a taco with a cute butt into the margins of your textbook.
Retweeted by OzzyOpening a gay bar. Naming it Stimulus Package.
Retweeted by OzzyI'm glad I didn't inherit the Bitch Gene from my mother, but my poor sister got double.
Retweeted by OzzyFeed me chocolate, tell me I’m pretty and touch my butthole!
Retweeted by OzzyOn Wednesdays, think pink and sink it deep.
Retweeted by OzzySerious debate in my office as to which is worse, my attempts to play show tunes on the recorder, or, my random scr…
Retweeted by OzzyThe archeology of blueberry pie
Retweeted by OzzyI've lost 5 pounds in a week must be the new dick bicycle.
Retweeted by OzzyWhen a person can see past your demons, never let them go. She may be a little fucked up but she will love you with her whole heart.
Retweeted by OzzyTo those of you participating in extended conversations in the replies under my retweets: the rent is due.
Retweeted by OzzyDeciphering muted echoes heard in the wind.
Retweeted by OzzyIf I learned to understand snakes all I’d hear about is fucking mice and I just don’t have time for that
Retweeted by OzzyThe best part about new people being added to the DM room is the reminder of everyone's names
Retweeted by OzzyI’m sugar and spice and everything nice , with a little fuck you at the End ♥️🥰♥️
Retweeted by OzzyI think I’ve got it figured out, if you put an Amazon link in your bio people just buy you stuff because they think you’re really nice.
Retweeted by OzzyThe most beautiful version of you is when you are yourself
Retweeted by Ozzy*Calls doctor* "Hello doc, what it is- I breathed a 'Sweet Chilli Heat' Dorito into my lung & I'm wondering how lon…
Retweeted by OzzyI love you like family: I avoid you unless there's a death & mock your belief in a Sky Wizard.I'm at the "what's the point of meaningful relationships" phase of my divorce
Retweeted by OzzyBeing embarrassed for people on this app is exhausting
Retweeted by OzzyIn desperate need of some carne asada tacos and at least TWO margaritas. Today was a beast.
Retweeted by OzzyI miss having the luxury to indulge my every emotion. I’m assuming some of you don’t have this problem.
Retweeted by OzzyMy sweet, beautiful cat, Gabby, was put to rest last night, after her courageous battle against intestinal cancer.…
Retweeted by OzzyA lot of deliciousness is contained in round things, pies, cakes, pizza, Reese's, me.
Retweeted by OzzyThank god VHS tapes are obsolete.. The "be kind and rewind" slogan sucked and I never did it anyway...
Retweeted by OzzyGet a tramp stamp of his @ so he knows it's real
Retweeted by Ozzyit's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is to be done washing the fucking dishes
Retweeted by Ozzyfuck nudes, i just want your hug and some chicken nugs
Retweeted by OzzyMy Fitbit just asked me to go for a walk, so we walked to 7-Eleven for slurpees and chips.
Retweeted by OzzyI had to eat the whole bag of chips before they went stale. It was beyond my control.
Retweeted by OzzyRevenge is a dish best served with pizza. And fries. And guac. Some chips. Maybe a slice of key lime pie. Wait. Where was I going with this?
Retweeted by OzzySaid Chick-fil-A fries are terrible & IPAs taste like soap & now I have angry Priuses circling my cul-de-sac blaring NPR.I can be such an idiot at times. The rest of the time I'm sleeping.
Retweeted by OzzyDon’t go drinking with your law school buddies, they don’t let anybody drink until AFTER they’ve passed the bar.
Retweeted by Ozzy🎶 You are the sunshine of my life, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH 🎶
Retweeted by OzzyThe Canadian government have offered a formal apology for Canada Dry being wet.
Retweeted by OzzyWake me up when NyQuil has a gas station nacho cheese flavor.
Retweeted by Ozzy @troubleinheels1 @Mamaoutoforder @dadthatwrites @mom_tho @CafeinatedBacon @HushJared @steveffootball @erichwithach fact: When you're Canadian, Canada makes you delete your Twitter account if you're mean Bye guys it was nice knowing you 🥺
Retweeted by OzzyYes, you should face your demons. But you should also face the Instacart shoppers who bring you cheese and muffins…
Retweeted by OzzyI’ve lost a few days along the way like today I thought it was Tuesday but it’s actually Wednesday
Retweeted by OzzyWasn’t a sheep yesterday. Not seeing any good reason to join the flock today.
Retweeted by OzzyEvery 1 second a man is masturbating Stop this man before he dies of starvation and dehydration
Retweeted by OzzyMe: I really admire who you are. Also me: I hate you for that.
Retweeted by OzzyYour ‘you problem’ is coming close to being a ‘me problem’. Fix it.
Retweeted by OzzyI tried to shake what my momma gave me, but it’s really hard to shake thin hair and crippling anxiety.
Retweeted by OzzyI know they say what is meant for you will never leave you, but just found a basket of nachos & an empty margarita…
Retweeted by OzzyEstablish dominance over the restaurant host staff by declaring, “That’s where I wanted to sit anyway” when shown your table.
Retweeted by Ozzy