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divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/O2PprUTHnC | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/4L7aIczm2x

9,616 Following   43,972 Followers   48,648 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/3/12


One of the downfalls of my kids being in virtual school is the absence of Halloween class parties. I always loved… https://t.co/dvTYlA2Esn
Retweeted by Lady LawyaToo many of you liked this tweet so now he thinks he has a license to watch it nonstop. This particular channel is… https://t.co/lsmBt1sT4z @sarahjocc It is absurd. Insane. Weeks of prep ahead of time.My date just laughed so hard at one of my jokes that her glass eye popped out and rolled to the other side of the restaurant.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI used my husband’s deodorant, so if you need me to explain how to throw a football I can do that for you.
Retweeted by Lady Lawya @RaePete_ By the time I survive and see Friday afternoon it truly doesn’t matter 😂 @elvisiowa 3 in person 3 via zoom (which is much harder for coordinating witnesses, exhibits, etc.) @sarahjocc Oh no. No. No. I have witnesses, exhibits, openings, closings, the works. These are not merely quick “he… https://t.co/rOL1cIFsJW @sarahjocc I submit the same question to the judges. One of which I have two in the same day before the same judge.Six trials in the upcoming week of five business days. Am I going to sleep? No. Am I going to werk, absolutely. Nex… https://t.co/pKGjmYB2mD
10/26
2020
@bendyandsnappy Cheers ❤️❤️❤️ @William34969526 @lmegordon Whiskey Tribe is one of themAny chance I get to wear my rhinestone denim suit is why I volunteer at the polling place.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaOne day you're happily married and the next day you catch your husband making cauliflower mashed potatoes.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaEvery night when my husband and I go walking I wear my tiara. He thinks it's to create a reflection for oncoming tr… https://t.co/jliJ52RnNA
Retweeted by Lady LawyaWoke up this morning, did not get myself a gun. Pretty sure I’m not cut out for the gangster life.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaWho called it a tired relationship instead of a stalemate?
Retweeted by Lady Lawya“What do you call a parrot in a raincoat?” “I don’t know, Dad.” “Polly, unsaturated.” “When can I go back to school… https://t.co/DeM8UdZGZo
Retweeted by Lady Lawya @WellsMurray @funderlaw meet your new best friend. @thepenjockey I’ve seen it😂😂😂 @taxtherapist505 That’s one of them. He has multiple favorites but this is one of them. @bendyandsnappy Is it though? Because I’ve seen that too. @Raine88189330 @patnspankme I can’t tell. One guy just said, “This has campfire s’mores toasted notes.” so I’m goin… https://t.co/mrGzDP7jXPMy husband has started watching YouTube channels (on our main tv) about bourbon. It’s just guys drinking bourbon an… https://t.co/RA6zkwfn7aI miss the old days when we could have buttered rolls with dinner, you know, before we realized what carbs were.… https://t.co/XI39H6UK4Z
Retweeted by Lady LawyaIf I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d foc… https://t.co/sQYARLh7wT
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI’m beginning to think the 75 cheese puffs I ate for lunch wasn’t the best idea.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaAs I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be. I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ an… https://t.co/vNcY27KAGU
Retweeted by Lady Lawya
10/25
2020
@MattB_Radio I didn’t even notice that!😂😂😂How much are a dozen doughnuts delivered in your area? I’m trying to see if this is absurd because this seems absur… https://t.co/mPhzjvzJWlIt breaks my heart that kids these days will never feel the humiliation of being dragged through Kmart wearing cord… https://t.co/0rlrxH6v3y
Retweeted by Lady Lawya[cleaning the garage] ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway 12YO: ok which app do I use ME:… https://t.co/cTrW69fcgj
Retweeted by Lady LawyaSo, turns out that someone who owns a lot of pets is not a “petaphile”... I know this now.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaNothing’s more appreciated than booze being provided for the adults at a four year olds birthday party.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaPer CBS, Jaylen Waddle is out for the season. Next catch will likely be in the NFL. Great player.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaIs this really a debate? Who in college football doesn’t let their best kick returner return kicks? https://t.co/fW8vt4VWQ8
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI offer up my healthy ankle to Jaylen Waddle. I literally do not need it. I can hop around for the rest of my life… https://t.co/zc9cYMwQIh
Retweeted by Lady LawyaBeing in my twenties in the seventies was much better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaHer: Whoa! Where did that scar on your thigh come from? Me: (thinking back to when I accidentally sat on a Chip… https://t.co/PnIsFySQOV
Retweeted by Lady LawyaPlease just wear your masks because the button on my jeans can’t withstand a second wave
Retweeted by Lady LawyaPay attention to me but also leave me alone - cats, and me, probably
Retweeted by Lady LawyaLao Tzu: Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. Me taking notes: 𝘓𝘢𝘰 𝘛𝘻𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘤𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaNot to brag, but I can do some of the shit that artificial intelligence can do.
Retweeted by Lady Lawya*Tightening The Lasso of Truth around husband* Me: Did you eat the last cookie? Husband: This is never gonna work… https://t.co/yjGNs5BGEg
Retweeted by Lady LawyaHusband: I thought we were going to start eating healthier. Me: I ate some fruit and nuts for lunch. Husband: Y… https://t.co/UnB4Kanfcc
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI thought I had a sweet balcony setup and then I saw my neighbor has a TV on his balcony and now I hate everything.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI volunteered to be a pole watcher until somebody said all you see is a bunch of clothed people voting.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaMe: Are you enjoying the breakfast gazpacho I prepared? Her: This is a bowl of cereal in milk. Me: Buon appetito.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaNot to brag, but if I were to lose all this excess weight I still wouldn’t be transformed into a beautiful swan.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaWedding vows should be updated to include, “Do you promise to love & cherish him even when he continues to watch lo… https://t.co/bgX3KIInFk
Retweeted by Lady LawyaNow in my fifties, getting up every morning looks like a much sadder, much slower version of a Rocky training monta… https://t.co/DPAMBHfyIG
Retweeted by Lady LawyaHer: Your taste in food is impeccable. Me, a chicken: I’m so damned hungry.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaWe don't love them hoes, we out the door -me in the Home Depot garden section embarassing my husband
Retweeted by Lady Lawyashhh... just let Darwin do his thing https://t.co/SatEoICqPM
Retweeted by Lady Lawya
10/24
2020
@DavidLMeeks @sweetmomissa True!😂I just want to live in a world where stupidity is asymptomatic.
Retweeted by Lady Lawya @jaindians 😂😂😂There is literally no difference between a divorce lawyer and a kindergarten teacher. All we do all day long is coax children into behaving.the day is nearly done. and i have not received. anywhere near. the level of attention i deserve
Retweeted by Lady LawyaDo I look like I have time to hit retweet twice??
Retweeted by Lady LawyaIf Jason Bateman created a show where he did nothing but stare at the camera and blink I'd still watch it
Retweeted by Lady LawyaOne of my lucky followers could win a chance to bring me some nachos. Apply within. No weirdos.
Retweeted by Lady Lawyai hope you find someone who loves you everyday, on every kind of day. the beautiful days. the bad days. the dark da… https://t.co/z8jFJL2ru7
Retweeted by Lady Lawya @SlverFoxyMoron Don’t be silly!
10/23
2020
@funderlaw Right.🙄[jaws music] https://t.co/rSzQBvW1Yn
Retweeted by Lady LawyaIt really pisses me off the way my husband falls asleep so easily.Sitting here at work. Still waiting for ZZ Top to show up and throw me the keys.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaOnly 7 hours, 34 minutes and 23 years left at work.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaHim: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that bottle of Dom Pierre Pérignon .” Her: “No! We’re saving that one for when we retire.”
Retweeted by Lady LawyaMy retirement plan is living off the dividends on my investment of Beanie Babies.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaRetire? I can’t even afford to re-tire.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI asked the librarian where to find the book "Retire Wealthy At 50" & she referred me to the Fantasy section.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaIt was a valiant attempt, but in the end nobody would let Carl pass the dutchie 'pon the right hand side.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaMy youngest just turned 2 and a half and he still can't mow the lawn or file burrs off the end of a galvanized pipe… https://t.co/CmN4K5P4Ja
Retweeted by Lady LawyaA "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.
Retweeted by Lady Lawya“Clyde? Clyde? You awake? Clyde?” https://t.co/EspRMAU0SH
Retweeted by Lady LawyaYoung enough to play video games Old enough to feel arthritis from it
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI am not working for Satan I'm retired.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaThree more pension cheques and I'll have my student loan paid off.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaIf history has taught me anything, it's that climbing a tree in a skirt while wearing a traffic cone on my head will not end well
Retweeted by Lady LawyaThe best thing about being a man is being allowed to grow old.
Retweeted by Lady Lawya
10/22
2020
@BrandenNorkus I did.😂I was calculating child support for a client and I asked him what his gross income was and he looked offended and s… https://t.co/1UzWHOfu93The Sopranos has a lot of good things going on but chief among them is the sandwiches. Just a great sandwich show
Retweeted by Lady LawyaMe: Hey Alexa- Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI just found a set of car keys that I was looking for in 2005 so don’t say I don’t see things through to fruition.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaThey stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Retweeted by Lady Lawya @downshayfarm @bazlyons Not to worry! We took her for a very lovely dinner and she’s all smiles and happy!❤️
10/21
2020
@ourpoppy Happy birthday!Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Retweeted by Lady LawyaThe first rule of passive aggressive club is denying you’re passive aggressive.
Retweeted by Lady LawyaMe, “Your mother’s birthday is tomorrow.” Husband, “My mother?” Me, “Well my mother’s birthday is in March so yes,… https://t.co/nVSe0mufxamy wife bought candy corn. divorce lawyer recommendations welcomed.
Retweeted by Lady Lawya
10/20
2020
You: 40 years ago-- Me: ah, so 1960 You: No, 1980. Me: no
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI once had what I thought was a great first date and texted her afterward to say I had a lovely time. Never heard b… https://t.co/UiHEVfRk3J
Retweeted by Lady LawyaI only ask questions when I already know the answer. Do you understand?
Retweeted by Lady Lawyafriend: what r u gonna be for halloween me: depressed friend: no what r u gonna wear me: sweatpants
Retweeted by Lady Lawya
10/19
2020
@GoviaIsaiah Oh I LOVE coleslaw! @FlaTesla COLLARD GREENS!!! OMG HAVE YOU NEVER HAD COLLARD GREENS
10/18
2020

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