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Head over to https://t.co/0EsW3rvSVa to grab a ticket for my Friday, October 23rd NEW HOUR of jokes and rantings and yelling. IG: pattonoswalt

3,889 Following   4,728,294 Followers   48,824 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/1/10


❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ https://t.co/mVMkmFgfzcSorry @MeredthSalenger, this is a solid point... https://t.co/AWpuWAWCieLOL what a stupid assh — oh, wait, he has a point. https://t.co/t8W5YPXvH7After a somewhat stressful day at work, @pattonoswalt's live stream was such a delight. Very much needed in these i… https://t.co/t9pbPePxEY
Retweeted by Patton OswaltFUCK YOU https://t.co/UcTI2kYTyz☺️☺️☺️ https://t.co/8NQb5vXGqs
Retweeted by Patton Oswalthero https://t.co/syVu1Y1u0xWe’re in countdown mode! Less than 15! If you’re watching live that’s @HelloBleached’s amazing music playing. They… https://t.co/3MxZHjw86j*ahem* ATOUILLE https://t.co/DAB3F4g8vyOMYGOD the show is one hour away I’m so excited!!!! https://t.co/D140IbXFU9 https://t.co/vUT60GXTxW
10/24
2020
ONE HOUR AWAY! Patton Oswalt: Arm’s Length. Go to https://t.co/D140IbXFU9 for a ticket! See you soon!!!!!Hey. You. Take a break from doomscrolling, uncurl from the fetal position and go watch @pattonoswalt live at 9pm ET… https://t.co/zMNhvhxAvY
Retweeted by Patton Oswaltwait for it https://t.co/8X4NTRTP5dI can’t believe @IJasonAlexander didn’t include me in this fundraiser. I played the classic character “Video Store… https://t.co/hmNAUCpa35Holy shit! In 6 hours you get to see an all NEW hour of 😂comedy from Emmy & Grammy winner 🏆🏆🏆@pattonoswalt!!!! Get… https://t.co/GrYGu4hk6G
Retweeted by Patton OswaltThanks for having me on, @HillaryClinton. This was such a chill talk and you were so nice to chat with my wife and… https://t.co/i8w3lGV93E😂😂😂😂😂 https://t.co/Q8IzDpMN2D👇👇👇👇👇👇 https://t.co/7wutNClKyJJust bought my ticket! No pressure @pattonoswalt ! https://t.co/oc23tZzUbj
Retweeted by Patton OswaltHAPPY BIRTHDAY, @VancityReynolds. I MADE THIS JUST FOR YOU. https://t.co/BijS0D3p4d
Retweeted by Patton OswaltI got my link for @pattonoswalt stand up life tonight!!! Wooot! “See” you at 9pm!! 😍😍😍 @MeredthSalenger I’m praying for you 🤣🤣🤣
Retweeted by Patton OswaltI'm going online shopping at the @strandbookstore today. I hope you do the same? #SaveTheStrand https://t.co/TXBO287uPF @Rhadagastt @StephenKing I don't want to be "that guy" but -- STAND BY ME, SHAWSHANK, CARRIE, DEAD ZONE, SHINING, t… https://t.co/Dx5LHiDmZrHey! There’s 37 hours left on this nifty IndieGoGo campaign to adapt ⁦@StephenKing⁩’s short story “I Know What You… https://t.co/UCTNvQVvQpso....you HELPED him become over 400 million in debt? Oof. No wonder you're his least favorite. https://t.co/SWrdnhuyTf
Retweeted by Patton OswaltWhoa no shit! https://t.co/N1HwJWdvmSThat is CRAZY good company to be in. ❤️❤️❤️ https://t.co/TSvXgOEslt👇👇👇👇👇👇 https://t.co/ki8ZGtUOgfThe President struck a new gentler tone tonight when he described his orphan warehouses as clean
Retweeted by Patton OswaltAw, thanks @latimes!!! https://t.co/3nstWxCl8G🧢 by @truebluemoreno 🌈🇺🇸💖 https://t.co/WKsimEZfQt
Retweeted by Patton OswaltIf someone told me 3 years ago, while I was waitressing to help my family stay afloat, that in a few short years an… https://t.co/kc6gRFXAm2
Retweeted by Patton OswaltExcellent debate for me -- really gonna help me make up my mind over these next 12 days. #Debates2020Who’s in charge of this mute button? JEFFREY TOOBIN!?????!!????
Retweeted by Patton OswaltWIND KILLS ALL THE BIRDS. TREES EAT SQUIRRELS. #Debates2020Buildings With Small Windows is my favorite Talking Heads album. #Debates2020Does Donald know how CREEPY the phrase "Ya gotta talk 'em into it" sounds coming out of his KFC hole? #Debates2020Not gonna be muting myself tomorrow night. PATTON OSWALT: ARM'S LENGTH. 6pm PDT/9pm EDT. Get a ticket at https://t.co/D140IbXFU9https://t.co/dqTv4yqLZQ
Retweeted by Patton OswaltA full page ad, from the least racist person in that room #Debates2020 https://t.co/VwTAlJcTKd“They are well taken care of.” My god
Retweeted by Patton Oswalthe literally said this HE LITERALLY. SAID. THIS. https://t.co/TrDXKPs81y
Retweeted by Patton OswaltTrump really just said that only the dumbest immigrants abide by immigration law. #Debates2020
Retweeted by Patton OswaltTrump can’t relate to parents who actually want to see their kids.
Retweeted by Patton Oswaltoh my god Trump just mocked raising the minimum wage, one of the few issues that's wildly popular with voters across the board #Debates2020
Retweeted by Patton OswaltTrump says Biden "left" Scranton, which is true because he was a child and his father got a job in another state.
Retweeted by Patton OswaltBiden is ripping this asshole a new Trump! #BidenHarris2020
Retweeted by Patton OswaltTrump is right, I have always called the date after November 2nd "November 3rd." Solid point. #Debates2020Finally, a Democrat who will point out that the stock market is not the main indicator of health for the average pe… https://t.co/tI3RiYJXEs
Retweeted by Patton OswaltI gotta hand it to Trump, he's totally conviced me not to vote for Hunter Biden for president #Debates2020
Retweeted by Patton OswaltThe guy who has government-funded healthcare is stealing your healthcare. In a pandemic. #Debates2020This moderator’s the shit #Debates2020
Retweeted by Patton OswaltAnyone who has ever done business with Trump knows he's famous for prepaying his debts with the possible exception… https://t.co/Pj8P2xjByC
Retweeted by Patton OswaltOh Susie you BITCH (sips Bellini) #Debates2020 https://t.co/XLk1UolYO0Trump is really pissed that none of these attempts to go after Hunter seem to be getting anywhere. Asked about his… https://t.co/UG0gg00HPA
Retweeted by Patton Oswalt😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 https://t.co/vGeHTbpiacwhen someone repeatedly says things like "i think" and "i believe" "I think that i recall" in police questioning, t… https://t.co/uo2INTDVY3
Retweeted by Patton OswaltWhen Trump’s audit started I was straight.
Retweeted by Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt These Ghosts are ALIVE!! The Village is on fire tonight. Greatest city on Earth. https://t.co/lew0zZT7fa
Retweeted by Patton OswaltDrink when Trump debates someone he’s not running against ☑️Obama ⬜️Hillary #Debates2020
Retweeted by Patton OswaltOh I see now - Trump’s taxes have been held up by his accountant for 4 years #Debates2020 https://t.co/Ms9G5QiOeu
Retweeted by Patton OswaltMan, that "phony" witch hunt sure caught a lot of witches. #Debates2020Release your tax returns or get the fuck out, man. #Debates2020Trump was impeached for inviting Russian's to tamper in the 2016 election. Just, ya know, in case you forgot that t… https://t.co/64PUxdRYgK @pattonoswalt It’s certainly not. We hunkered down as needed. So many people are back to work now and carefully socializing.
Retweeted by Patton OswaltRemember all the way back to last night when the FBI told us that two foreign adversaries are tampering with our el… https://t.co/NEllbUHUAf @pattonoswalt This was like a thursday night https://t.co/zwcFaiU1GG
Retweeted by Patton OswaltImagine paying more in taxes to China than to the country of which you're president and calling someone ELSE out on… https://t.co/OrLdmIpgoHHey New Yorkers in my time line -- is New York a ghost town? I'm betting it's not. And one of the reasons is that N… https://t.co/pndG8rqRmwTrump can't imagine people donating money without wanting something back. That's why he's so back on his heels abou… https://t.co/AfiNopJK9gSorry to circle back to this but Joe passing on responding to Trump's nonsense had the same energy as someone in a… https://t.co/HTcPygko25By the way, I'm gonna be going off for an hour tomorrow night about this and a lot of other stuff. 6pm PDT/9pm EDT.… https://t.co/OyYbO6tivJDid this bunker bitch just call Biden out for staying at home? #Debates2020HAHAHAHA "Would you like to respond to that, Mr. Vice President?" "No." #Debates2020Whoa! Someone called you "racist" Donald? Why would anyone say that about you? Weird. #Debates2020Trump is bragging about his government-sponsored healthcare while suing to outlaw the ACA #Debates2020"He is xenophobic but not because he shut down movement from China." - @JoeBiden #Debates2020 https://t.co/4svaKUT0vj
Retweeted by Patton OswaltLet’s be clear: Trump knew in January how deadly and lethal coronavirus could become—and deliberately misled the Am… https://t.co/XHJl2n1Deu
Retweeted by Patton OswaltGoggles. Jesus fucking Christ. #Debates2020The question was "what is your plan?" Trump: It's not my fault and I feel better Biden: Here is my plan
Retweeted by Patton OswaltSo, Joe just laid out three things he would do to combat the COVID spike, and Trump spent his two minutes saying, "… https://t.co/WnuVwSO31u"It's a world-wide pandemic," agrees a French woman currently sipping red wine with friends at a cafe. #Debates2020Can’t wait til Trump absolutely destroys Biden by playing a voicemail of him wishing his son a good night and sweet dreams
Retweeted by Patton Oswalt😂😂😂😂😂 https://t.co/BYfOoLSiPb
10/23
2020
I’m doing everything I can to #FlipTheSenate. And I know everyone’s saying @AmyMcGrathKY is a long shot but look ho… https://t.co/1Nac4DBdz2Oh my god I just realized I DIDN’T follow you the heck is wrong with me? You & Lee’s Some Velvet Morning” is one of… https://t.co/9dFrWqgLcJOh my GOD what an amazing photo! Dude... https://t.co/VayoXtT2rtI love his aw-shucks “new fish” vibe that lets him sidle up all close and friendly before he shivs ‘em with the sha… https://t.co/Uz8DL9C3rpWe had such a fun chat, and @blainecapatch’s ears should be BURNING. #TonightShow https://t.co/iRU79uUwBxIs this real? Holy mother of God. I've watched it 5 times. There's no CGI or trickery in this, is there? Just a dad… https://t.co/lCp6RRESulI'm really sorry to hear about your mom. My son was your age when I was diagnosed, & I can only imagine what you we… https://t.co/u5sYEffyqi
Retweeted by Patton OswaltOh yes yes yes indeed I am live Tweeting tonight’s #debate. See you guys here in less than 5 hours!👇👇👇👇👇👇 https://t.co/V3dFaGemwCCan I watch @pattonoswalt with you, babe? https://t.co/g7SjunuSqo
Retweeted by Patton OswaltHOW LONG HAVE YALL BEEN DOING THIS ?! https://t.co/dwWBgdajUp
Retweeted by Patton Oswalt👇👇👇👇👇👇 https://t.co/0vTJLGLuSw👇👇👇👇👇👇 https://t.co/mbQJzpoqLXSo Trump makes a damaging comment about wanting SCOTUS to terminate the very popular Affordable Care Act, and then… https://t.co/LnL0FxgKW5
Retweeted by Patton OswaltWhoooo! Order yours now! #MODOK https://t.co/rN37FGJDrxI don’t know why Leslie Stahl even gives Trump the time of day https://t.co/X6MPM5uyYJ
Retweeted by Patton Oswalt
10/22
2020

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