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Here for the right reasons.

2,287 Following   3,576 Followers   26,768 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/8/08


I'm gonna frame this and put it on my desk https://t.co/1PUPWJ93wW
Retweeted by Paul Balcerak @Andrew_Gall https://t.co/hbv5pTLNUKI’m going to start calling Costco salads Snapchat salads because they expire in 24 hours.I watched this trailer with my 2-year-old daughter (because fuck yeah Captain Marvel) and then this happened and I… https://t.co/RWvp5BlWZ1I overheard a young man on the train on the way home today, talking to another young man. Holding hands. In college… https://t.co/JmYPx8aH5a
Retweeted by Paul Balcerak @BeMickGee It makes you wait. Creates tension and a sense of giddy expectation. Then: boom. Joke delivered. They just did that.But also, temporary is relative. https://t.co/vLVMt8sbuQHow to be good at Twitter https://t.co/Rh3Yudr6Uh @brainpunch Just a tip.I really should have thought more about this before I retweeted the original video and added some jackwagon comment… https://t.co/yuBAjEWFh9If you should ever worry whether you are an authentic enough artist, remember that Orson Welles once went balls to… https://t.co/2shVQeXKoN
Retweeted by Paul Balcerak
9/19
2018
This is my favorite dad-in-public joke: <person enters elevator going down> Them: Hey. Me: Hey. You going to 1? Them: Y...yes.This is a great and really heartbreaking thread. I didn't know that about the bronze leaves on the ground in Seattl… https://t.co/mgEUt53cZFA woman is trying to protect us from putting an attempted rapist on the Supreme Court, and she’s going to be destro… https://t.co/cYuA4ebBRa
Retweeted by Paul BalcerakEvery man & woman on Twitter should tweet this today: I stand in solidarity with Christine Blasey Ford.
Retweeted by Paul Balcerak😭 https://t.co/PyLnCwKu00
9/18
2018
Facebook: Your most recent post is performing 590% better than the last 900 posts ever. Boost it for $10,000 so mor… https://t.co/UXIDroikmh
9/17
2018
Paul Rudd: “Hey, I was thinking, what if I stood like thi—“ Men’s Journal: “Listen here, PAL, this is MEN’S JOURNA… https://t.co/k1jz0AUSXaThey should rename #BachelorInParadise Fear-of-Commitment Island.
9/14
2018
@Andrew_Gall What
9/13
2018
Why did the guy who wrote “Danger Zone” get locked out of his email account? Too many Loggins.
9/7
2018
Running in the morning during spider season https://t.co/okkT2lgYP2
8/30
2018
@kimerrikin A robot that got left out in the rain and wasn't covered by a tarpPlease ignore this. It's a thing for work. https://t.co/pyGwJB3wmKHuge miss not calling this business IT’S A TARP!!! https://t.co/LF0oLzhHGC
8/28
2018
Sequel idea: County Clerks
8/24
2018
Airplane wing Instagram. #iflyalaska https://t.co/y9aaHFzgNj https://t.co/gt6Mh18cK1
8/17
2018
This really isn’t the kind of sign you should leave lying around https://t.co/nENt2m2Em0
8/16
2018
Evergreen chyron @KIRO7Seattle https://t.co/L3pOpuvSIq
8/15
2018
Just a reminder that you don’t have to be suicidal to call the National Suicide Prevention line: 1-800-273-8255 I… https://t.co/HlWYwoadFfDamn. This is one hell of a thread. https://t.co/jaAnGWyleA @KING5Seattle #NSFW
8/11
2018
@sethlong Heart button ❤️Enjoying age 34 like https://t.co/TpUkiB9Wf5Same, but with, like, raw fish. https://t.co/TsyTZk2XXQIt’s a pretty satisfying point in one’s career when you can just openly consume a salad and a meat stick during a meeting. @brainpunch Profile pic
8/10
2018
@CWUObserver Cat GIFs and pop culture memes! @Shih_Wei Exactly.I installed a dishwasher earlier this year, so I’m pretty much good on goals and stuff until at least mid-February.
8/9
2018
Horse names that I think would be funny for a race: That One Horse This Horse Over Here A Frigging Triceratops Two… https://t.co/5jkjVjY9xb @AkvileDeFazio @joedinardo @JessEstrada @knitpurl @kristy Marination. West Seattle. Easy to get back to the airport / not much traffic.
8/8
2018
*number I don’t know calls me and leaves no message* Me: well, you don’t get a call back *number I don’t know cal… https://t.co/r1hPYDFar1
8/7
2018
My new life is I’m just going to build #lego sets all the time. https://t.co/Ya3w1GYWZ6 https://t.co/WDUEglGVG8 @MillerLite Done! What do I have to do to get sponsored Nick Lachey-style? If it involves marrying Jessica Simpson, I’m out. @samstuesser @Andrew_Gall YEEEEAAAHHHHHH
8/5
2018
There’s an entire pier where you can just walk around, openly drinking, and the whole thing is sponsored by… https://t.co/CisIa4kX9fI *love* Chicago’s flag. Why can’t they all be this good? https://t.co/rZVa98mzyN https://t.co/ii87fzXKfY1. Chicago was a very runnable city. 2. BEANS. https://t.co/zbRVm9bH6x https://t.co/WgYKq2EIUf
8/3
2018
Still one of my favorite matches ever: Too Cool, the Hardys and Dudleys, and Edge & Christian in a house show at Ke… https://t.co/SO7HiVWrFT
8/2
2018
https://t.co/BYqXUv9uHK https://t.co/toOwUnUoZGhttps://t.co/A74OAywMW5 https://t.co/z7bFZ5pemrhttps://t.co/2AXLv0ejIa https://t.co/fEBKDncAKg
7/31
2018
https://t.co/RbOVmOfQU2 https://t.co/zkGyuaSejehttps://t.co/Rl342h1iIZ https://t.co/JSA8l7EEzMhttps://t.co/zSw3ZaHRqj https://t.co/SJhJQ9lFJHhttps://t.co/MKiHT72Pku https://t.co/EpxyYo3jMmhttps://t.co/llNloPUWtU https://t.co/f0gZqBboinhttps://t.co/I9jppAELkQ https://t.co/1HPiwT56CZ
7/30
2018
@samstuesser Especially if they’re yours.
7/29
2018
Thanks for taking us on your boat, @katcon 👋👌 https://t.co/pd8DKtwWb5 https://t.co/RJdGCeM3T8 @MeganMurray360 https://t.co/9UdFPuqs44Call me crazy, but it looks like this pasta sauce company’s mascot is a complete ripoff of Master Shake https://t.co/0D46MEjlFQ
7/28
2018
This is the most straightforward business ever. https://t.co/dMHVNanf2d
7/27
2018
Fun fact: Purell takes care of this 💫 #TheMoreYouKnow https://t.co/RFY2b1STFGNow that this joke’s old, all I can think about is how boring a comic book “Bruce Wayne: Wealth Redistributor” woul… https://t.co/57OVRxmCTp
7/25
2018
Hey. What is the Hulk’s least favorite type of advertisement? ...? Banner ads.Few recall Bob SuperSonics, who was another such player. https://t.co/tpszTk5l3L
7/24
2018
@JSLtweets John. Mayer. Mayor.
7/23
2018
Hard to top this RT https://t.co/ta7SUwMGxe @soundslikepuget @BeMickGee I think it’s the latter but the other way around. @westseattleblog @wsdot @SeattlePD So, just a quick follow up/close: Thanks to SPD for sending a cop over. They sti… https://t.co/ZUyN3TCIee @paulconstant @JSLtweets True. And it’ll be fun to see Superman drop an F-bomb. @paulconstant @JSLtweets Oh, yeah, I forgot he’s at DC now. How’s that shaking out? And how did he not get put on Batman right away?“I’m bored of my clothes.” <goes to store> <buys exact same clothes> <returns home> “Yesssssssssss”Tonight my parents were called the N-Word, multiple times, by their neighbors...and told to go back to the hood tha… https://t.co/sW4rPQnitJ
Retweeted by Paul Balcerak @JSLtweets I’ll Facebook you. @JSLtweets Yes. Beers? @westseattleblog @wsdot @SeattlePD Nm. Just filed a report on the phone. @westseattleblog @wsdot @SeattlePD If someone doesn’t do something, I’ll buy a can of paint and go spray over it myself. @JSLtweets I loved Morrison in JLA, but I thought the *really* good stuff (Geoff Johns and Bendis in their prime) came just after. @JSLtweets Those were the days. @wsdot @SeattlePD I couldn’t snap a picture in time, but there’s a red swastika spray painted on an I-5 sign just a… https://t.co/BGwJqVtyLL
7/21
2018
@JSLtweets You know who else was hella 90s? Zauriel.We have acquired two large boxes, so my kids are having the equivalent of Tax Return Day right now. https://t.co/IUproCio8V @JSLtweets 15+ years later, I’m still trying to figure out what the hell JLA: Rock of Ages was.
7/20
2018
@Robinsonpost Also, this is horrible fucking advice.I want one of those neon signs that says, “but first, coffee,” but instead it says, “but first, screaming into the void” @calving over Dude, you have the same birthday as God. https://t.co/yEbxZyaGA4
7/19
2018
Since I-5 northbound leads to Canada, is it technically now the Highway to the Safety Zone? @Robinsonpost Yes. Now, put single-barrel bourbon in it.
7/18
2018
Oh, hey 👋🗻 #iflyalaska https://t.co/rML92yCA1M https://t.co/fcXrlqzkW7
7/16
2018
#bestfriends https://t.co/KkGGIJPsAZ https://t.co/GuHiGE2rdE
7/15
2018
V E G A S https://t.co/AuGG6iJhKE https://t.co/lrOOP7wKCa
7/14
2018
They should make a reality show about this. *After* The Bachelor. https://t.co/EdAHAzzprP
7/11
2018
“Being John Malkovich” except with Jeff Goldblum.
7/10
2018
🏡 https://t.co/eLjM9EQXgE https://t.co/Aa4B8YgcPM
7/9
2018
On the hunt for berries 🍓 https://t.co/Sv96LEJ4Oa https://t.co/3IrtFISRyh @knitpurl Also area men.Oh, god. The toll this must be taking on my mental health... https://t.co/pcq8p77Eie
7/8
2018

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