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COMEDIAN/DIRECTOR💘listen to guys we f****d (comedy & sex) on @hearluminary & without a country (comedy & news/politics) on @gasdigital

3,192 Following   64,783 Followers   11,223 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/30/09


Oh joy my neighbor decided to learn guitar. @bonniemcfarlane The original Guys We Fucked!!RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Guy I’m seeing only likes my tweets about him. Whether they are positive or negative. Real int… https://t.co/UxFYSYxeAi @calebsaysthings HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! https://t.co/AYowU1tUZ0 @CupcakKe_rapper Follow me so we can get you on the Guys We Fucked podcast!! @Kinky_Kelsey @KrystynaHutch Happy to be of service🥰thank you for coming!! @Kinky_Kelsey @KrystynaHutch LOL why are you gonna cry?? Haha the pretzels look tasty @Kinky_Kelsey @KrystynaHutch Haha just enjoy the pretzel in her honor & post about it! I can grab her one lol. @Kinky_Kelsey lol I mean it’s COVID she’s not going to eat a strange pretzel but I’m sure @KrystynaHutch appreciates the thought💘 @beccilyn14 @HeliumComedy @ChloeLaBranche It can be yours!! https://t.co/UQDbARuNQT made by my dear friend
1/24
2021
Larry King died.🔔FINAL NIGHT IN PHILLY🔔 Still a few tix left for my last night of the weekend at @HeliumComedy with special guest… https://t.co/ymJvi4J46yRELATIONSHIP STATUS: Waking up in the middle of the night to Google if there are any Bennigan’s left. @Subhah HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUBHAH!! Glad you had a good one🥰 @DougStanhope I love that rolling rascal🥰 @Spericaa We do have a hobby. Bein cute. https://t.co/g6cwwRDn7s @msvickydeville And what’s wild is that doesn’t even mean the sex was bad!! @iamfrannyglass 🤣🤣
1/23
2021
@RobbySlowik Ok well then Lady G might be able to sue you...😂 @RobbySlowik No, it’s parody. You’re fine. And also please do this.“I’m really good with animals. You should see me with men.” -@ChloeLaBranche killing for a group of dog walkers in a Philadelphia dog parkThis week we chat w/ @caitlinpeluffo! Caitlin describes the many line cooks she has fucked, reflects on dating one… https://t.co/65hwePoWa0
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHER @PrestonSteve933 Huck Finn Diner in Union, NJ & of course I have a picture!! https://t.co/xYtHcQXDqFI can’t sleep bc I’m thinking about this pasta salad that they make at the diner in my hometown.BEDTIME ROUTINE🌙: -wash & exfoliate face -moisturize -brush teeth -kiss my dog on the head -check to make sure the… https://t.co/3KoPl2vi1comg i can’t believe bernie’s the one less lonely girl🥺 https://t.co/S29kSEeVgL
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1/22
2021
Woke up with “Lovely Day” stuck in my head, and, because of that, it’s not.🔔PHILADELPHIA🔔 TONIGHT! @HeliumComedy with @ChloeLaBranche & @PeggyOLeary TIX: https://t.co/gBQ6lgcHm9 https://t.co/7ZiOHCzmyyRELATIONSHIP STATUS: I keep thinking the mist from my humidifier is a ghost.Crying myself to sleep just for old time’s sake.Looks like Garth also has friends in high places, am I right folks? LOL!
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHER @gabbyisbryan For real!RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Even more excited to wear my @itsjojosiwa socks tomorrow!!🌈🎀i think garth brooks doing the chris gaines thing was cool as hell. i mean it sucked total ass and was weird. but h… https://t.co/o9RtBgmQVm
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHERGo to https://t.co/32Q7wsoLNd. Trust me.
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHER @MichelleAkin https://t.co/pGffmIQuSkLooks like #WithoutACountry is also looking for a new producer! https://t.co/z1K7pVQrkM @TheMHarrington Lol credit Shayne Smith, Carlos Mencia.Too little too late, but this did make me smile. #Inauguration2021 https://t.co/WgUTdzFCYZ @megstalter lol so it runs in the family 😂Why can't yall just chill? https://t.co/QKXeGOvTrr
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHEREveryone who refuses to wear a mask should be forced to watch #CelebratingAmerica on repeat until they beg for one.Jesus Christ did America learn nothing from the Imagine video? #Inauguration2021Just finding out music is embarrassing. #Inauguration2021#CelebratingAmerica https://t.co/JrEyE9bfIJAnyone who is moved to tears during #CelebratingAmerica should have their driver’s license taken away. If you cried… https://t.co/K0OMBdSKPALOL of course Call Her Daddy is doing a livestream about anal during #Inauguration2021Guys, can we please start telling kids lemonade stands are not a viable business plan? #InaugurationDayA president who works faster than he cums! Love to see it. https://t.co/p95FULiWSUINAUGURATION PREP MEETING: Ok so let’s have famous people sing their most famous songs but badly. #InaugurationDayMen love fucking elementary school teachers🙄 #InaugurationDay @dartjam They said Miami. Miami was in Florida last time I checked unless Biden moved it.This dog and pony show feels like America telling us all, “You’re the only one for me, baby” after we found out he… https://t.co/4cJQsLS2l8The fact that Jon Bon Jovi is in Florida rn is so New Jersey of him. #Inauguration2021Not jacking off today in protest of dorks making jokes about being so psyched about Biden that they’re horny.
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHERAMERICA: Why do our politicians act like celebrities?? ALSO AMERICA: https://t.co/pvXKvTkhep
1/21
2021
QAnon people having an extremely normal day today. https://t.co/96koaGi3SX
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHER @Copierfixitguy @luisjgomez @gasdigital @ZacIsNotFunny Yes!! Love this idea..@luisjgomez hey I know @gasdigital doesn’t have “HR” but can all the male employees get together for 2 hours and w… https://t.co/e9MpGMbYrSMy two week old niece just looked at me and said “finally, democracy has been restored to our great nation. Through… https://t.co/TMh7ogmJVh
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHER @Shaydozer So proud to say “I was there”.Guy just chased me down the block on the UES begging me to take a pic for his site (bc I have pink hair & a blue fu… https://t.co/o8UHrBZtOtThis is the lobby of my OBGYN’s office and they’re currently playing Taylor Swift. No wonder she has a 5-star ratin… https://t.co/i3r7kP3HFUPlease save the photo of you giving Trump the finger for your hacky sack meetup.I can just imagine the meeting where they were like “If Garth can’t bring these slobs together, no one can.”That was a good speech. He even wants to help assholes.JLo always does such a great job. With everything she tries! Except for Gigli. But we’ll blame that on Ben Affleck.Please send all your positive witchy energy my friend @Part_Time_Bro’s way🙏 https://t.co/DfjzYcymjW @psionedge It wouldn’t make sense for my boyfriend to get this🙄RELATIONSHIP STATUS: I really want to get matching tattoos with my next boyfriend. This is a mistake I need to make… https://t.co/WKVaioRCV0Official clemency list has been released. Neither Julian Assange nor Edward Snowden have been granted clemency by President Trump.
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHERTIFFANY TRUMP ANNOUNCED SHE’S ENGAGED TODAY HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHERIf he pardons the Menendez brothers, I’m gonna shit.
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHER @TheJokeArtist1 No.PHILADELPHIA!! See you this Thurs-Sat for a very limited seating weekend at the sanitized AF @HeliumComedy with spe… https://t.co/eqgjwy5XvnWithout A Country! It’s like the news, but true.™ https://t.co/rBJpdvGGso
1/20
2021
Last week @funnyphilduck brought the heat, but we know @Shaydozer is always ready for battle whether it be in real… https://t.co/C3EsKij8XHRELATIONSHIP STATUS: I told the guy I’m seeing I was being a bitch bc I missed him and honestly that was a huge step for me. @KrystynaHutch Thanks, wifey!!💘I hate to admit this, but he’s not wrong. https://t.co/DuvTtL2TWiIt’s always a sign of health and mental stability when you actively consider 1:30pm “morning”. @sonia_sonia_ @Shaydozer Excellent gif. Best sitcom! @Heathercid @TheMHarrington lol he tried to tell me a political opinion last week after we were off-air and I screa… https://t.co/ry6egmpXGf @Shaydozer You’re like a feminist for men. Meninist.New (Tiny) Film Alert ⚠️ “Happy Corona Birthday” starring yours truly and KEVIN! directed by @DennisCahlo premiers… https://t.co/BQuMHUlCOg
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1/19
2021
From now on when people ask me what I would be if I wasn’t a comedian I’m gonna say that job Carey Mulligan gave he… https://t.co/hRTOaKwwtW @katieboylecomic You nailed it lolI haven’t smiled as big as I just smiled at the end of Promising Young Woman in years. YEARS. Fuck so many of you😘
1/18
2021
@Shaydozer lol you’re more savage than me. I respect it. @msvickydeville But it’s like how do they make it taste so good?? @msvickydeville Girl. Same. And also way too much caffeine for me bc I don’t drink coffee regularly😂 I was up for 2… https://t.co/eBTZPs3ZZTPhil Spector, like so many who met him, is dead
Retweeted by CORINNE FISHER @Yglvid @luisjgomez You can also have a crush on me and perhaps sleep on my couch one day. @luisjgomez https://t.co/m2OK1IxDdMAfter someone complained that they don’t have Sprite in Tulum I had to leave the rooftop.RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Going to meet a male model and the zipper on my shirt broke bc my body doesn’t fit in this shi… https://t.co/UDBPgsytnlThe only thing holding America together right now are podcasts.
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1/17
2021
@palendrome_x Oh no haha he’s going to have holographic poops💩🥳I’m so sad rn so I’m xtra funny. ::PHILLY #FUCKERS, OCATVI & men hoping I start an OnlyFans soon!!:: Come see me… https://t.co/czJxLjuev0The car door drink holders are far superior to the center of car drink trays unless you’re the driver. What have we… https://t.co/H0QfyLwdaw
1/16
2021

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