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2,062 Following   98,695 Followers   49,713 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/11/17

@itaIianpride69 🙌absolutely not
Retweeted by slatea little reminder that people literally do this on youtube and millions of people listen to them[first day as detective] me: *taking off shades* a bear killed him partner: what? he has a bullet woun- me: *tak…
Retweeted by slate @TEHam87 thanks it has pocketsi pour a little olive oil on my italian friends every now and then to make sure they grow up big and strong like watering a plant
Retweeted by slatesalesman: let me show you some of our models me: no thanks, i'm married, i just need a car
Retweeted by slate“the right isn’t the only group refusing to get vaccinated” no but they’ve been the loudest about every other measure hurting businessWhy is Costco emailing me like they’ve got my family held hostage
Retweeted by slateI order food delivery and suddenly lose all concept of time. “Your food will be delivered in 45-55 minutes” but that’s like right now!
Retweeted by slatethe right: we can’t shut down our economy for a virus doctors: here’s a free cure the right: no 👍HELP all the people in qrts with phd in their dns😭
Retweeted by slate @bocxtop it’s like hacking capitalism13 hours later and there’s no longer a doctor shortage. you’re welcome
you can just put PhD next to your name. no one checks
Retweeted by slatefound a recipe at the end of my CVS receipt
Retweeted by slatehahaha > lol and I’m willing to die on this hill
Retweeted by slateI can verify this statement
Retweeted by slatedivorce lawyer: i'm sorry but your request for 50/50 custody of the children was denied king solomon: but why
Retweeted by slate @LongBoi_Mat oh shootall of you are just listening to me, you don’t even know my credentials.if covid had to come back, i’m thankful it at least created a PR nightmare for delta airlines on the way
Retweeted by slateOne of the most embarrassing things is trying to start a chant and failing. Congrats weirdo you just yelled kinda
Retweeted by slate @KimberlyBlack the best kind of doctormath teacher: what can you tell me about ratios? me: they're bad math teacher: what me: it means you're cancelled on the internet
Retweeted by slatei would i just don’t want that kind of responsibilityyou can just put PhD next to your name. no one checksi feel that sometimes my life just falls apart on purpose to grab my attention
Retweeted by slateBeing a man isn't about what genitals you have it's about whether or not you are constantly thinking about how you'…
Retweeted by slate @LtC_Remmick like a ninja turtle @FrogHomeless @MNateShyamalan you sure have @HardSciFiMovies thanks!waiter: *sets down check* me: my treat date: awe thank you me: *grabbing mint* for what
Retweeted by slatea lil bit scared how radicalized another lockdown would make megotta keep em vaccinated
Retweeted by slate“lollapalooza cancelled dababy” sorry i don’t speak italian
Retweeted by slate @Roy_oh_Roy @Browtweaten @aotakeo @TheHyyyype @CrockettForReal @DrakeGatsby thanks Roy!
putting this in the yard and seeing if anyone notices
Retweeted by slate @PallaviGunalan this is it 😭[nightclub] me: *tapping dj's shoulder* COULD YOU PAGE MY MOM
Retweeted by slatei have two sides:
Retweeted by slateit's a slippery slope. if the government can require you to be vaccinated in order to travel then pretty soon they'…
Retweeted by slatewaiter: *sets down check* me: my treat date: awe thank you me: *grabbing mint* for whatyou know god was a guy cause only a guy would go "hey dudes, watch this" and then flood the entire planet
Retweeted by slatebeing a girl means reading porn that makes you cry
Retweeted by slate @TimMurphyTalks they re-released it to celebrate @michaelcera2019 fuck he’s cool @MisterClasico “mom i threw up”alternative universes have septum ringsstatistically there is an alternative universe where everyone did quarantine responsibly in 2020 and the pandemic w… cant go back into lockdown I already tried and failed at all the hobbies
Retweeted by slate
@daemonic3 well now i have @dorsalstream 😂me: [opens a window on both sides of hell] satan: wow what a difference that makesGod gives his toughest battles to his littlest teapots
Retweeted by slate @SnaccbarRedux dad?? @SnaccbarRedux @ceebeeton perfect i just need to find the nearest body of waterMe *looking at crime scene* boss, the body has those peanut butter M&Ms on it Detective: how do you know they're n…
Retweeted by slatecostco receipt checkers get me questioning my own innocence. like omg were those samples really free? can i outrun… @thebigdad420 @bidenfucker2 @Baileymoon15 🥺 🥚 @thebigdad420 @bidenfucker2 @Baileymoon15 @bidenfucker2 @thebigdad420 @Baileymoon15 @bidenfucker2 @thebigdad420 @Baileymoon15 if i eat 6 eggs will it make things right @thebigdad420 @bidenfucker2 @Baileymoon15 wait i can explain @rachelwayy @ihavenotiddies @Baileymoon15 i believe youevery time
Retweeted by slate
1994: oh cool there’s an online bookstore 2031: ok now the founder’s going to extinguish the sun unless we block this union
Retweeted by slatephone in pocket: no notifications phone charging for 3 minutes: 8 missed calls, 16 texts, amber alert, flash floo…
Retweeted by slate @anemonneee_ [nods] fuck capitalism @homeonthewaste yesevery time Lightbulb full of ground beef is served to you with a tiny metal hammer like it’s expected that you know how to eat it
Retweeted by slateme trying to take off my shoes without untying them
Retweeted by slate @thelexikitty what theI’ve hidden Waldo, Jason Derulo falling, spongebob licking someone, Taylor swift, the children’s pop group The Wigg…
Retweeted by slate @PallaviGunalan we are the same @muncheds thank god @hashtag_raunak i’m reading them bedtime storiesyou’re in her DMs. i’m talking to my plants.Pulled an all dayer
Retweeted by slate @CrockettForReal @ADHDeanASL @aissalanis @visionbored2 @dave_cactus @carboncaitlin @DrakeGatsby @difficultpatty @Baileymoon15 @Baileymoon15 i can do five
600k americans are dead it vaccinated’t ever give a man a fish. that’s a terrible presenttaking care of this once and for all no bullshit that kid was insane for befriending E.T.
Retweeted by slate @coolmathgame_ [trying to stay grounded] delete thiseveryone: *levitating* apple: i have got to stop this
Retweeted by slate“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Retweeted by slateme: :( seth rogen: i made these vases me: :)
Retweeted by slate @MNateShyamalan abble. pees. @TaylorLonni :/me: :( seth rogen: i made these vases me: :) @foojenkins “just double click. faster. it needs to be faste— no you did three that’s too much” @portgarden thanks :) @thelexikitty “sorry you’re gonna have to highlight it backwards. OR ELSE”me: i want to highlight the last word of this sentence word: and the first word in the next sentence too me: ther…