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Lord Hugh Mungus @PoodleSnarf Been there and gone

🏳️‍🌈 Avi by the amazing @ObscureAaron Strange ideas, pretend conversations and occasional outrage https://t.co/5sKZreSt6g

3,091 Following   5,015 Followers   62,337 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/12/16


Drive him wild by seductively cramming half a sandwich in your mouth and without breaking eye contact, or finishing… https://t.co/dOfezQxdMG
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus|pulls a dishevelled Mark Hoppus out of the mosh pit] me : omg are you ok? blink if you can hear me Mark : *blinks 182 times*
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus📁Me └📁 Things I give └📁 Fucks └📁 ⚠️ This folder is empty
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus @JacobHBentzen https://t.co/jN1KAtyzUzShoutout to the bees.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusRemember when phone cords were a physical representation of the tone the conversation was taking
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThey say ghosts are people who die with unfinished business. I am 100% going to become a ghost for something ridic… https://t.co/JxgSXO3X6q
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThat cookie was much too large to fit in my mouth in one bite but I'm no quitter
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThe picture of the happy mom, in the super clean kitchen, baking the perfect holiday cookies with her neatly dresse… https://t.co/oJGQl0Zbtf
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungusthe first day you leave all the toys in the tub to shower is the day you become a level 2 parent
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusYoga pants aren't as easy to rip open as porn suggest. In a totally unrelated story I'm not allowed within 500 fee… https://t.co/Ep2V8IgOeF
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusIf Thanksgiving has taught me anything, it's that backhanded compliments go down easier with pie.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus[hanging in the park] Hey man let’s smoke some trees Smokey Bear: 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙨𝙖𝙮?
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThe best part of having a big "Bob Marley's Birthday" lunch is how easy it is to convince Woody Harrelson that it's his turn to pay again.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungushim: Should we share a bottle of champagne before dinner? me: First of all, how dare you.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusIf you need help let me know, my husband will be glad to help. -wives
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungusin southern Manitoba there are four Canadians that have been stuck at a 4-way stop since 1999
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusJust found out that I’m starting at QB for the Broncos tomorrow.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusWhat starts with Fireball ends with Comet.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusIn the spirit of Christmas I am going to make sure my Christmas decorations and lights destroy yours.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusMaybe it’s just me or maybe the lighting but I think Walmart farts are worse than Canadian Tire farts #cropdusting
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI can’t be the only one who hears “spatchcock” and automatically imagines a spatula for a penis. Raise your hand i… https://t.co/h8uTniG7Hy
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusLooks like my family is getting a firm handshake for Christmas.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungusher: mmm you got any fries to go with that shake? me: it’s a malt
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusIt sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusPerformer Mobster 🤝 Break a Leg
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusCherish these moments. Crazy to think that this time next year she'll be off to junior kindergarten https://t.co/hJR6xX5K2m
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI went to Target to buy one thing and left with only one thing. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusPandemic Life Hack: poop with the door open so your partner can be certain they don’t have COVID
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusSneezes are like abrupt exclamation marks.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusYes, my drafts are full; no, I’m not deleting any. You’re welcome.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus @Swan_Corleone2 Happy weed numbers! Here’s a reference to the Electric Lettuce: https://t.co/xpCkqxSyM3I hit 1,420 followers. Cheers! That's a weed number, so let's have them weed tweets. Here's mine. Tweet crawl for t… https://t.co/pqiaboVsBV
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusYou hit an age and it seems like no one values or wants to risk falling in love. They either want someone financial… https://t.co/03iUy45r5y
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI have a little mashed potato pot belly right now and I'm happily patting it Winnie the Pooh style
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusIt's a wild race! Out of the gate CC Declined and Divorce II are neck and neck Dog Tired is coming up on Car Repa… https://t.co/WnmLrQOuLu
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusWilly wonka be like https://t.co/l7MEv3TJTU
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThe recent shift toward habitual replying is fun because I can tweet something like, “what if aliens think our teen… https://t.co/WLOVZJHldz
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusMom said video games wouldn’t prepare me for adulthood. However, browsing Atari 2600 game packages was a perfect pr… https://t.co/MLp877WqhY
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusAfter a day like this, all I can say is, “Large pepperoni, mushroom and bacon, extra cheese.”
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusSo what if Christ returns but only for store credit?
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI have a joke about my dick. It's short and always gets laughs.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusDeep Throat is a Christmas movie. It's the true spirit of giving.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI like to think of the Kool-Aid man as a vampire of sorts, lying decrepit in the shadows, only to be awakened by th… https://t.co/ECoFI12JUt
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus[first date] her: rank yourself on a scale of 1-10 me: i'm probably a Nate
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusGeorge R. R. Martin’s favorite song is “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusSo y’all weren’t gonna tell me that the tower of Pisa is hollow and I had to find out from an 8yo?
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusWhat is it like to have ADD? Wife: “Ok, listen to me very carefully...” Me: *thinking* “Man, this sounds serious,… https://t.co/PfzMWsCT67
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThe problem with children is that they are never as hung over as you are.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus🎶Chess knots row sting yawning dopey fryer Shack flossed knee pain apple knows You'll tie Daryl's brie ends slung b… https://t.co/iQqulgU0F5
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI don't know who needs to hear this but don't cut off your ear dude. Just kidding it was Van Gogh who needed to hear it.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThese kids are going to wake up one day and realize I changed the locks.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThe major difference between a mountain lion and a regular lion is that a mountain lion has a winch on his jeep.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusLet he who is without sin cast the first pod.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI had Taco Bell for dinner, now my butthole won't shut up about it
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungusjesus what the fuck happened to conan https://t.co/VjB1bGUYqX
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusPARKOUR!!! https://t.co/VExzTiFfuh
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusWe had done it. We had pulled off a next-level stunt that would've amazed even the most hardcore Hollywood stunt ma… https://t.co/vrtb6WrzTS
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI coughed twice, so now I'm worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won't split evenly between my two children when I die.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusEstablish dominance by bringing your own pager to the restaurant.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusWould it even be morning without idiots posting pictures of cups of coffee near their genitals?
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusCamooflage. https://t.co/EcXjSyTjIN
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusDAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Older male lions of the Serengetti will often be killed in battle by a younger more aggressive… https://t.co/gHWqaz5fAX
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus📻Contest time!📻 Theme: Listen to the Band 🦻🎸 Give us your best 3 old/new tweets about anything triggered by these… https://t.co/fFRAiLSaqi
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusIf you only do what your audience wants you to do in order to keep said audience, you are no better than Nickelback.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusHaving kids seems like a good idea then you witness one gnawing their toenails off with their teeth
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungussext: Made you bacon and coffee and The Godfather is about to start.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusME: They call me Mr Universe DATE: You workout? ME: I'm constantly expanding
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusFuck being friends with benefits I want foes with paid vacation
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusHow YOU doin’? I mean financially. Matt LeBlanc here for AARP
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus @LockWilford That’s the whole reason I wear a hat on Sundays https://t.co/SmktMdBpAhYou don't have to clean the cum out of your hair to attend a virtual church service
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusA dream journal, but for burritos.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusIf, on average, you’ve swallowed 8 spiders a year imagine how many you’ve snorted
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusMe: Yes, I need to see about a return. St. Peter: Uh....let me get management. Angel: What's the problem? Me: *g… https://t.co/6PxvymdwiI
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThis coffee tastes like yesterday's dinner gravy Ah shit I've poured the wrong jug
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusHow do you know if the 69 in a woman's email address refers to her hobbies or her age?
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusLet’s pretend Thanksgiving is the reason my body is 75% stuffing and act as if it wasn’t like that before
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus2027: All human interaction has been outlawed. Extroverts meet in underground tunnels to talk about what they had for dinner[watching a late evening snowfall on a school night with my future grandchildren] “Gramma, tell us again what it w… https://t.co/KUaSbDpFMf
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusMy dog is bad at me because I'm not laying down somewhere that she can lay on top of me.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusMy retweets aren't endorsements, heck, I can't even read
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusSometimes I wander through pharmacies just to remind me of all the problems I don’t have yet.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusDid animal crackers used to be savory or was Shirley Temple a sociopath
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusHas writing a paragraph of nonsense on a Tweet ever helped you or anyone else?
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusSinging 1985 while driving back up to college like I'm back in 2010
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusI miss the days of ending boring small talk only to awkwardly run into you in the next aisle. Just kidding. God… https://t.co/cDfzINnJBt
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusGod: what do you have for me today? angel: I invented the gall bladder God: what does it do? angel: I don't kno… https://t.co/YghIxxNePE
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusWhen you see a flock of geese migrating and there’s that one fat bird desperately flapping its wings as it lags beh… https://t.co/egPtmwbf88
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusMe: [jumps out of plane] Instructor: hey you forgot your parachute Me: 🤸… https://t.co/LDXRLFU34X
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusAs we enter the last month of 2020, remember not to put too much pressure on 2021. It’s just a baby, and while it m… https://t.co/eKKG8Sdjpe
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusLeave me cookies and milk and I'll let you give me your opinions.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusOnly portraits outdated memoirs and last second's crossword matching number of similar letters exchanged with, cast… https://t.co/QLnUlAPtiO
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusJust let me finish folding this fitted sheet and then I’ll go outside to untangle the Christmas lights.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusSerenading the greyness of it all
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusPlaying the odds works well for me, in that the house always wins, and I’m experienced enough to know that I’m not the house.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusUp Next: 𝐷𝑟. 𝑆𝑒𝑢𝑠𝑠'𝑠 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐺𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑐ℎ 𝑅𝑒𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑑 𝐶ℎ𝑟𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑚𝑎𝑠 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑎 𝑅𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑖𝑝𝑡 & 𝐺𝑜𝑡 𝑆𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝐶𝑟𝑒𝑑𝑖𝑡
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusHim: Your test came back, and it’s negative. Me: Whew! Thank goodness. Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus[Stuck at sea in a tiny boat] Me: could things get worse? (Shark music begins to play) Me: sharks? No, no anyth… https://t.co/Stb9ob0Fcv
Retweeted by Lord Hugh MungusThree words: Turkey Fucking Sandwich
Retweeted by Lord Hugh Mungus
11/29
2020

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