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5’8”, 165 lbs, television worker, my son took my picture

1,258 Following   32,319 Followers   72,992 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/11/07

Dottie is 9 months old and weighs 65 pounds as of Saturday @FlooStorm This is not me
Trying to figure out how to monetize a midlife crisis @AlisonRosen It’s pretty common with the moms I know. I still feel a real longing for those first five weeks, when… @esjacobs Why does everyone want me to keep thisImage 3: keep or delete? @Thepilll2114 Is that a keep?Image 2: keep or delete? @DesiJed What if I need it somedayThis will be a thread until i abandon the idea where i post images from my fucking phone that I can’t bring myself… @IvankaTrump @trumps_feed Who gives a shit!!! @tonyposnanski @benshapiro Seems pretty racist, but don’t forget, Ben was only 5’3” then @gabeliedman Dm me @pattymo Pat I can’t summon the energy to be mad at the scooters. I understand that they represent the endgame of t… @susanorlean That’s right @GMPaiella Hmm sounds like he just got dogwalked to moiiiiiiii @chrissyteigen FUCK @GrahamAllen_1 @KayFellowz Arm the women @godlikemind The fuck @Kappa_Kappa @1followernodad Never stop and you win @JaxAlemany Boy oh boyI’ve spread a lot of love with my kids today but I’ve also been honest: “that’s annoying” “if you eat that, you wil… @lukeoneil47 Honestly dont knowSome weird father-daughter stuff happening with the kiss cam today; crowd unsure how to react
@trevor_walsh Shut the fuck upTempted to clear up some of the misinformation about dad bods with photographic evidence @hasanthehun This is not a dad bod @DesiJed @NoahGarfinkel Nothing can be part of the balls but the balls @NoahGarfinkel They just hang there man. In the scrotum. Itself an external apparatus. They’re a support player at best, structurallyI went to have a nice relaxing shave at a barber shop, going through all the possible conversation scenarios in my… buying coffee and accept a lower price
Retweeted by joe randazzo @NoahGarfinkel How can it be balls? Balls aren’t even their own location. @isplotchy They’re all out but I willFor me, being a dad simplifies my life as much as it complicates it. For all the shit to wipe and public temper tan…’m complex!happy fathers day! here is a full minute of my dad starting his voicemails by telling me what time it is:
Retweeted by joe randazzo @lizzzzzielogan @smickable When Time Mattered @dave_schilling This is the most important job you’ll ever have; dont Bosch it @Hemmo You’re the best @robdelaney I love you Rob ❤️ you’re truly one of the best people I’ve ever metI’m into impressions now @frenchielaboozi Hi Pascalle, I miss you and am thinking of you @KristerJohnson This has to be fucking danish or some shit @TheDreamGhoul @valhallabckgirl Thank you I will be watching this for the rest of the evening @PKBard @1followernodad Yeah just let me see it @vornietom And the parents.... they gotta cry @dave_schilling Big Boy did it @SophieAScruggs Oh buddy I’m sorry!!! @vornietom This smells like PIXARRRRRRRR! @DesiJed I feel so badly for her, she makes me sad! @Randazzoj
Retweeted by joe randazzo
It’s okay. Even a good number of network execs don’t realize that their shows are fake. But I wanna arm you with the facts! @brideylee No filters @nudeobama LmaoooiHey guys, you should know that all reality shows are, uh, fake.This Father’s Day please remember that at least a small percentage of manspreading occurs because our little balls are being crushed @1followernodad Well they have the most godlike physiques, yes, but I wanna mostly see if the dong matches the bod @johnlevenstein Don’t you want to be kept in check? @1followernodad Swimmers mostly would be good @brendonwalsh 😜 @saraschaefer1 I love talking shit about lady comics with you because I know you’ll understand! @missmayn Once again, the Brett Kavanaugh hearings were such a perfect, diseased encapsulation of this. So disturbing @OfficialRobbieR @nealbrennan @nachosarah @TheBlackNerd Best overall position @DancesWithTamis Jesus tamMy kids all tried on my uniform should masturbate more @shutupmikeginn Which side? @keplyq Very Let the Right One In! @Kappa_Kappa I wanna help you find the real killer daddy @DancesWithTamis @1followernodad Looks like she’s got things under controlOnly a few more weeks until OJ gets on Twitter
Retweeted by joe randazzoRig rood went out and got myself one of those Chernobyl jumpsuits 💅 @jennyjaffe Is he accepting packets @TrumpStudents @IlhanMN 38,000 is kind of a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@GOPChairwoman @trumps_feed Haha the fuck is thisLet’s get some soaps @aedison Hmmmmmmmmmm??????????healthy grey-haired women who look like you just got off a horse..... hello @DavidLango @seanhannity @trumps_feed That’s right. Housing prices are through the roof. No protections for tenants… @seanhannity @trumps_feed Would be interesting to get perspective from a housing advocate and maybe learn something about Los Angeles itselfwho are your favorite 70s and 80s era sci-fi artists?i'm now realizing that you may have never had the occasion to listen to the entire Cheers theme, which is extremely… @zandywithaz @johniadarola it's mindblowing @zandywithaz @johniadarola @zandywithaz @johniadarola The Cheers theme gets real weird in the other verses, too! @zandywithaz @johniadarola i'm very partial to Welcome Back Kotter @MaraWilson I mean this in the nicest way possible! @pattymo @ConnorSouthard Time to celebrate w some coffee @DesiJed They’re too HAPPY @Harkaway Almost... authoritarian @Chinchillazllla We get one a couple times a month and you just know it’s an owl whether it’s hooting, hissing, clu… Elizabeth Warren Unlikeable Enough?
@dynamoe Great match! @Kappa_Kappa Whatever! @Plastic_Soul Not bad @isplotchy Not ideal @MelissaStetten @charstarlene I am ... trying not to vomit @Kappa_Kappa do me!