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Writes jokes & scary stories. Seen on the CBS Late Late Show, read at Intrinsick Mag, heard on Drabblecast, Doug Loves Movies winner.

349 Following   2,429 Followers   12,049 Tweets

Joined Twitter 10/2/10

Hey Plymouth-area western burbs folks, I'm doing a variety show Thurs & Fri with the Harbor Rep Theater Co., co-pil… @JackBlankHSH That rules
@CoryHepola It was reaallllly bad, even by King TV movie standards. But I have a theory that most people’s “scaries… @CoryHepola Why The Tommyknockers? (The Tim Curry it freaked me out pretty good though.) @AshleyWheels @littlebrown What’s the end? I can only find vague references online. @nadiabulkin Oh thank Christ! (That is also dumb though.) @nadiabulkin There are a lot of similarly pricey standup comedy workshops, and it’s all stuff you can learn for fre… @sandybobandy That’s great!I wasn't diagnosed with autism until I was almost 18 because I grew up Irish Catholic, so when I didn't show emotio…
Retweeted by Bryan Miller @sandybobandy I’m headlining Tuesday & Wednesday (Wednesday will be a big show, announcement forthcoming) and the r… @sandybobandy Yes! And thanks! My website is I’ve had some trouble with hacking though, s…
Tonight at Red Menace Comedy, featured comic Randall Reid & many more at Devil’s Advocate on Nicollet Mall. Free as… hell yeah, the Minnesota Opera is doing another run of The Shining next year. I saw the debut production and it was fantastic. @BillCorbett Terrific movie, would make a fun double bill with Knives Out. Samara Weaving is great.There’s no courtroom sketch artist so I’m making caricature doodles of the lawyers & turns out the judge doesn’t ap… duty is The Breakfast Club for adults. @PietRiot That’s Pesci.
@JackBlankHSH “Tha Weez finds the defendant ra-di-cal bro!” @rickloganhaha Ah...and Justice for All. A movie remembered really for one line of dialogue (but it is a good one). @NosTheTwit Devil’s Advocate?In preparation for jury duty tomorrow I’m looking up all of Bob Kroll’s corruption & brutality charges and memorizi… @BritArneson This almost made me start it again.
@BBlaw Thanks! Was fun to tell all week. Some of the most fun jokes have very short lifespans. It’s like a Lord Byron poem or something.
@BBlaw Not the caucus part. But the Coronavirus stuff remains terrifyingly relevant! @saylehan I genuinely thought that was dog food until I saw the bit about post-worked and the spoon included. (I mean, it’s called mush!)Packed house last night at the Cellar in Fargo, and just a few tickets left for tonight at 7 pm. @useful_noise It’s perfect that everyone involved with this is acting like characters in a pretty funny South Park…
If you have to serve on jury duty you should get at least a couple vouchers to get out of parking tickets.
Getting a like from @joshgondelman on Facebook is like catching a baseball from Tom Brady. @NateAbshire @ItsTheBrandi You can fight the man by paying extra for them on StubHub. (Related story: I was at a D… @NateAbshire Splurge Against the Machine @Scopi Sunday Sunday Sunday!Last night I went to Bong Joon-ho’s first public appearance since winning four Oscars for Parasite, and I wrote abo… @Jason_M_Gill Parasite, no offense to Shoplifters. Bong is maybe the most important filmmaker alive right now.At the Walker to see Bong Joon Ho interviewed live. People keep offering me big $ for my ticket, which I got for free. I AM THE PARASITE!
@Coreyadamcomedy Says the guy who loves Rick & Morty, Deadpool, Connor McGregor, and Ron Paul. @KlendorFang @BillCorbett @ItsTheBrandi That is terrifically nice of you to say. Sorry to hear last year was tough,… @sandybobandy @SirynLove @peteleetweets @AcmeComedyCo That is incredibly nice of you to say & I’m glad we could giv…
@RandBall But Los Ocampos is right there!A Visitor From Berlin sounds like a chapter title in a 19th century novel— anyways come watch me bomb tonight
Retweeted by Bryan MillerTonight’s Red Menace Comedy features our pal & I Love You Mana co-host @zakagan, plus a visitor from Berlin & the u… @funnyonceaday @briankoppelman @SaraJBenincasa DFW backlash is so trite. “Supposedly Fun Thing” is one of the funni…
@JesseTowler @MarthaKelly3 In the spirit of the Best Cameo award, we would do it quickly. @JackBlankHSH Charles Fleischer in Zodiac. @JackBlankHSH These are all A+ answers. Isn’t Damon also in Interstellar very briefly?The way Joker fans feel watching this speech is how I felt watching Joker. @ChillyReport @qskinner Ed O’Neil in Wayne’s World One. (Also: Bob Barker in Happy Gilmore.) @CoryHepola @qskinner All great answers. Walken was my first thought. @CACollingwood @qskinner We’d have to time it out, but yeah, great example! Hell, maybe Brando too...The Oscars keep scolding us for the Oscars not nominating enough women & POC for Oscars.What are some of the other all-time best cameo performances? @qskinner & I just came up with two from Fargo alone,… thoughts on the Oscars this year. should be an Oscar for Best Cameo (performance under 5 min). Pacino or Dakota Fanning in Once Upon A Time,… Pacino looks like he just needs to crash on your couch for like a couple weeks, dude.Chalamet looks like a mechanic in a Wes Anderson movie.
Will @ParasiteMovie win best picture? @CoryHepola and @realbryanmiller hope so! Hear them rank this year's best p…
Retweeted by Bryan Miller @sandybobandy Thank you so much! Glad you had fun.
First Love was criminally underrated, one of the most thrilling movies of 2019 and one of Miike’s best—and maybe hi… night an audience member cornered me at the bar to complain that she was unfairly thrown out of the showroom f… @HardlyLisa @AcmeComedyCo @peteleetweets Thanks! @PietRiot @joe_hill Horns! Love it. @BBlaw @AcmeComedyCo @peteleetweets @JollySomali Thanks! @BBlaw @AcmeComedyCo @peteleetweets @JollySomali See ya there, I’m getting gussied up right now. @TimLammersFilms @joe_hill I haven’t quite been able to make myself watch it with the sassy Italian version going s…
30 pages into this behemoth and I’m already all in. @ChuckWendig you’re gonna singlehandedly get me through jury du… @peteleetweets @AcmeComedyCo Thanks buddy! Let’s do four more.I’m at @AcmeComedyCo for four more shows this weekend with @peteleetweets if you wanna see the expanded version of… may win best picture at #Oscars on Sunday but @realbryanmiller says it's the WORST of the group and would hav…
Retweeted by Bryan Miller @MarthaKelly3 I have gone back and looked at this pic like 5 times now. She’s so adorable!Going on WCCO radio at 10:30 to talk Best Picture Oscar nominees with my dude @CoryHepola. @timmytimeturner Yes. It’s not my favorite of his work but I like pretty much everything he’s done. He’s different… @nflukhank @AroundTheNFL It’s my favorite of all the pods. Like hanging out with your buddies. @FunnyCostaki It’s unfair to other kids how cute your kids are. @uhlhazard @landonB_ Sadly, I would probably rappel down a rope from a helicopter onto the quarantine ship...if the… @joe_hill Secondary recommendation: NOS4A2 goddamn slaps, on the page and the screen, but few books have freaked me… Great Things: 1) Way more people should be watching The New Pope, Sorrentino’s style is hypnotic. 2)… one of those is the @truTVjokers cruise, it's probably just a prank fucking with @SalVulcano.
Retweeted by Bryan Miller @madproducer1 “What’s the deal with all those body bags on the Lido Deck?”
There are two cruise ships stuck out at sea in quarantine with Coronavirus and all I can think about is the two com… @joezimmerman But what about the scientist who had to stay on the same place for seven years to check it? @neuronmn @AcmeComedyCo @peteleetweets @JollySomali It’s a great lineup, me excluded. Pete and Ahmed are fantastic. @neuronmn @AcmeComedyCo @peteleetweets @JollySomali I might be! Lotta new stuff too. Pete’s new hour is very funny. @carlsewall Also, I read the Great Gatsby in high school too. @useful_noise Just that and the HBO shows are my only exposure, but I love it. @paulxt @useful_noise The trailer physically pushed me back in my chair. @useful_noise Easy sell. Are you a Paolo Sorrentino fan? I’m kind of obsessed. @useful_noise I got some watching to do. @useful_noise Can’t wait. I felt the same about Parasite when it was playing fests for 6 months.
I’m at @AcmeComedyCo tonight and tomorrow with my guys @peteleetweets and @JollySomali working on a big chunk of my… fun show today with the Wednesday crew. @Coreyadamcomedy @ScoutWithBryan @bmiIIz I’m uncomfortable with all this Bryan/Bmillz chatter transpiring without me.I will not rest until every hour of every day is spent listening to podcasts from NPR and the New York Times (so I…
Retweeted by Bryan Miller @useful_noise This worked out very well.Was onstage during the State of the Union. Based on my Twitter it was either a trash truck trainwreck, or based on… this @GregFitzShow’s senior picture?
On the other hand, our caucus went smoothly and the unified electorate chose unanimously to elect @IdiotRyanKahl as…
@theloopnow Nice headline. @BBlaw @AaronIsaacs69 @AndyKindler No, it was an ad with the Fox guys.Whoa, @AndyKindler! Great surprise.