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Writes jokes & scary stories. Seen on the CBS Late Late Show, read at Intrinsick Mag, heard on Drabblecast, Doug Loves Movies winner.

389 Following   2,553 Followers   13,593 Tweets

Joined Twitter 10/2/10

Tonight’s Western Noir Double Feature: Blood on the Moon (1948) Robert Mitchum, Barbara Bel Geddes I Shot Jesse J…
Tonight’s double feature: Miller’s Crossing (1990) Gabriel Byrne, Marcia Gay Harden, John Turturro, Albert Finney…
@joe_hill Larry McMurtry’s Lonesome Dove books. Totally propulsive & transportive. @AaronIsaacs69 has deepens their bench of candidates for state legislature (and eventually national offices) and he… @AaronIsaacs69 That’s not remotely what he’s saying. Pretty much nobody votes in a presidential year and skips the… the end of a buddhist's life, they find out how much screen time they used compared to their other lives.
Retweeted by Bryan MillerTonight’s For Whom the Hemingway Tolls Triple Feature The Killers (1946) Burt Lancaster, Ava Gardner The Killers… night’s double feature: Solaris (1972) Donatas Banionis, Natalya Bondarchuk Another Man’s Poison (1951) Bette Davis
On then new MinneSorta @BritArneson and I break down a crazy twist in the MN elections following the death of a leg…
Gonna print up 1,000 bumper stickers that say “My Child Is A Mediocre Student At The Zoom School In Our Dining Room.” @TheSteinbag Absolutely. The racist hypocrisy of the NRA is so blatant. Here in MN, Philando Castile should be a 2n… @rickloganhaha I have not but I hear good things.
SCATHING REVIEW My cat took a dump on the second draft of my new short story. Okay, okay, I’ll make some more edits...The only two flavors of news in America are Things You Grimly Expect That Still Hurt Terribly and Unforeseen Gut-Punch. @TheDez Nope, today at 88. Hell of a run.RIP to MN improv theater impresario Dudley Riggs. In lieu of flowers the family requests that you shout out a job a… thread about how making an actual plan, and being willing to adjust on the fly while sticking to this plan, c…
I just saw a real-life Edward Hopper painting titled “Old Maskless Man in a Starbucks.”Tonight’s drive-in double feature: Super 8 (2011) Elle Fanning, Kyle Chandler 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016) Mary Eli…
@RedSoxRedShoes @GaryGulman It’s the Pieta of observational comedy. @MarcMcD “And the boots that match!” @DougLovesMovies @JackBlankHSH At first I was upset but now I identify you and want you to tell me more movie spoilers. @DougLovesMovies @JackBlankHSH Oops. As penance, should I watch Predestination again? @MarcMcD Uncle Buck + Great Outdoors + Planes, Trains is one of the great trio of comedies by an actor. @JackBlankHSH @DougLovesMovies It’s a pretty obscure song he’s singing too so instead of a fun Easter egg it sticks… @DougLovesMovies Yeah, the movie where Ethan Hawke casually sings the twist ending in the first act. Two of my favo… @MarcMcD So quotable. “Lips & assholes.” “Find yourself a spin cycle!” “He’s not done.” Aykroyd’s whole speech abou… @TheDez Yeah, not goodLast night’s double feature: The Great Outdoors (1988) John Candy, Dan Aykroyd, Annette Benning Spiral (2019) To… @NortonMpls @TCCrimeWatch @LonnieMcQ @MinneapolisPD Makes sense, there’s that dense little patch of woods down from… @tamtuck Yeah that’s his crew.I’m not the only one covering the South Minneapolis Turkey Caravan. Turkey Jennings Bryant, we have eyes on you &… @NortonMpls @TCCrimeWatch @LonnieMcQ @MinneapolisPD Yeah, that’s my sworn enemy Turkey Jennings Bryant. Not the one…
@FatFreddysPat Ha! Mind if I use that line in my football segment? @Eddie_Barry It was fun. I should have gone bolder on the Tom Hanks game though.Today’s NFL MVP was the cart.Fun afternoon talking movies with Doug, the Glorious Beth Stelling, and actual Inglorious Basterd Samm Levine. @TommyRyman They’re like tiny, surly dinosaurs. Especially Turkey Jennings Bryant, he’s an asshole. @AaronIsaacs69 Was it being an asshole? I saw a different turkey at 31st & Lyndale. Smaller, a lot chiller. @NosTheTwit I take a different path home every day. Serpentine patterns, switching cars, etc.But here’s what you didn’t count on, TJB: Now I know where you live.UPDATE My pal @ItsTheBrandi let me know that Turkey Jennings Bryant is likely among a group of turkeys that live i… @ItsTheBrandi Makes sense. TJB probably enjoys dancing on graves.I couldn’t be as excited about my college crush handing me the Pulitzer Prize on the moon as Ken Jeong is to find o… someone constitutionally incapable of fake enthusiasm, I know my hell will be judging The Masked Singer. @THP84 Nah it should be over by mid-November.
As the saboteur strutted to the sidewalk I looked right into his dumb, malicious black-marble bird eyes. The truth… time I got stuck on Lyndale between a car stoped in front of me and a guy tipping into road rage behind me.… first time Turkey Jennings Bryant approached me at a coffee shop patio. He stood on his creepy toes & hissed &… new nemesis is this turkey who lives around 34th & Bryant. We’ve crossed paths twice and the bad blood was immed… @ZDeGrote7 If you’re at Cracker Barrel, it’s a special occasion. (If you’re at Red Lobster, happy anniversary.)Okay but it should only be Apple Pucker & Coors Light. @JackBlankHSH @runningtooslow Me too, which is why this is still the best-case scenario, but I think this developme… @runningtooslow Good god @runningtooslow Trump will almost certainly. @runningtooslow I saw that one. Graham pledged not to in 2018 but who knows with him. @runningtooslow I think that’s my biggest & most immediate practical concern. Even best case, no confirmation & Bi… @runningtooslow Chances of success? @runningtooslow Do you think enough senators will say to wait? And do you think that tips the election? @runningtooslow That’s...something. What do you think happens here?All the wrong people die.Legal question: Can a presidential veto be used to override the lack of a senate confirmation? (I would think you c…
Back with a new MinneSotra about COVID college dilemmas, plus stories about the worst I’ve ever died onstage & Brit…
@AndrewLeeTCNT Presumably he just got dumped by Ingrid Bergman so I didn’t want to pile on.Two guys walking down the street and one just said to the other, “This looks like the beginning of a beautiful podcast.”I can never remember which is right brained and which is left brained. So that means that I'm one of those.
Retweeted by Bryan MillerLast night’s feature: They’re Watching (2016) Tonight’s double feature: The Devil All the Time (2020) Tom Hollan…
@TheDez Still not following. @paulGtremblay Someone’s gotta push back against those lying beans. @TheDez Huh?Tonight’s double feature: Diary of a Teenage Girl (2015) Bel Powley, Kristin Wiig, Alexander Skarsgard Queen & Sl… @BillCorbett The Prince of Really A Pretty Significant Absence of Light
America is one of those bad anxiety dreams where you’re just trying to get away from one horror but you can’t get a… bonkers horror movie from Tod Browning combines the plots of Downsizing, The Puppet Master, & Mrs. Doubtfire.… Kurd has some nice words for the new horror anthology Shadowy Natures & my story "Heart Skull Heart" in particu… did we park the time machine? @realbryanmiller This is the best yo momma joke ever
Retweeted by Bryan Miller @kurtbraunohler Thanks Kurt! When clubs reopen I’m gonna Dan Whitney-style rebrand as a Yo Mamma comic. Or a New Deal comic, I can’t decide.Yo momma’s so old she thinks WAP was an effective public works policy created by the second Roosevelt administration.
@cozdkramer @CoryHepola That was the biggest drop since WAP.The Cleveland Browns are the only people in America having a typical year. @nflukhank @DanHanzus But the best way for a Lions rookie to do it. @aaronhodges Ha! @MarieColette If you wrote it in a script I’d say OK good first thought but we can be more clever than that. He l… @MarieColette I’m pretty much out at this point. I really liked Bridgewater (mostly just as a cool-seeming guy) but… Cousins has gotta be a QAnon guy, right? @OakeShow @Vikings I turned muted the TV and put on a Miles Davis record. Much improved. Next step is just switchin… I’m watching all the Vikings games with sound off this year. At least now I can see them collapse while listening to Miles Davis. @DanHanzus It defeats the notion that it’s necessary to recreate home field advantage when it’s a constant monotone.The weird constant monotone of the fake NFL crowd noise is awful awful awful. I’d rather they play “Yakkity Sax” on a loop.We are entering a second pandemic of movies and shows set on Zoom.Today’s Stuck Home Waiting for My COVID Test Results Triple Feature The Best of Times (1986) Robin Williams, Kurt… @JackBlankHSH Surprise circle work! Next level. @FatFreddysPat @AaronIsaacs69 Dude, don’t be an asshole. @FatFreddysPat @AaronIsaacs69 Can you delete this? I don’t want it showing up on my followers’ timelines by some al… @FatFreddysPat @AaronIsaacs69 She’s one of history’s great unheralded scammers. Part of her lawsuit settlement was… @FatFreddysPat @AaronIsaacs69 Better rewrite that one in the past tense. @nadiabulkin Streaming anywhere? @FatFreddysPat @AaronIsaacs69 Call me for ya free zingin’! @AaronIsaacs69 Doesn’t matter, she knew who you were.