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Working mom. Here for the same reason as everyone else - therapy is too expensive. avi by @84nexus

2,097 Following   4,455 Followers   21,177 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/30/19


When the seasonal depression was regular depression all along https://t.co/so9O3RkTcY
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy @OldManSchlake https://t.co/EirFFzIDcz @wickym Only...not😉 @annasmuse 😂😂 @PG13ScottWatson @JodingersCat No😳 @THE_LFC_COMIC https://t.co/yjyYn302aD @DadsWithLimits Exactly 😂😂 @mcguigandanny https://t.co/v7681yx0Rp @suziebear7 Nobody knows for sure, but it does seem close to fucking 🤷🏻‍♀️ @PrincessHelenL 😲🔥 @NaomiSeu https://t.co/H5T9H7kIJO @amyenterprise @GroovyTasia Well, It took you long enough to figure that out😉❤️😂 @alicasia Here’s hoping 😬🤞 @3282jessicah ❤️❤️ @patriciamUNITE Exactly! @russel_nelson @CyndiSaidMed 😂😂❤️ @mickey01641162 @PoodleSnarf Yes!😂 @RUSSLANDE 😂😂😂husky’s are wonderful ❤️ @NicolaIsNotABot @cheersmom 😂😂 @jamesedparkin @lmegordon 😂😂My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMe: they say home is where the heart is, right? Veterinarian: Me: which explains the heart worms, right? Veteri… https://t.co/cvoOQthfVQ
Retweeted by Real Life MommyI will trade you 14 large and 24 small Tupperware lids, for one medium rectangular lid.
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMe, after spending hours actively ignoring work and doing random crap: How is it so late? I have so much to do
Retweeted by Real Life MommyAre you making a mistake by following @JasonNotEvil ? yes yes yes 👇 👇 👇
Retweeted by Real Life MommyGot the family together for this one https://t.co/hymGoEm4EE
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMe: smile for your school pics My kid: 😶 Me: no, you have to try My kid: 😬
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMy anxiety will spike in two situations: Too much noise or too much silence. I work best on medium temperature. Kind of like soup.
Retweeted by Real Life MommyOne sport that is not suffering from having no fans in the stands for TV is golf. Old white men win again 🙄😂🥴
Retweeted by Real Life MommyThank you to all those that have followed me during my recent (since I created) tweet slump. I'm sure I will find… https://t.co/loq5roQ2Kb
Retweeted by Real Life MommyLove the magical sounds of this holiday. Like the sweet serenade of 'What the fuck do you mean there is no turkey.… https://t.co/Z97ylGBPJr
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMe: Why own a home if you can't piss off the back porch once in a while. Wife: Because we are staying the weeken… https://t.co/A4VXENU5yN
Retweeted by Real Life MommyBeing a husband means having someone spend kohls cash on a t-shirt for you because there wasn't enough left for those cute shoes she wanted
Retweeted by Real Life MommyNetflix giving me the option watch the credits is fucking hilarious
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy[Christmas Traditions] Me pushing my kid: no I get to lick the egg beaters punk
Retweeted by Real Life MommyWife: You kids could be anything you want to be when you grow up Son: I want to be an astronaut Me: You got a d… https://t.co/bGNxByRnBH
Retweeted by Real Life MommyPeople don't like to talk about it but Jigsaw was once known as Waldorf. That's what happens when Muppets don't get mental health benefits
Retweeted by Real Life MommyI picked a fight with my wife because we got a new couch and it doesn't snore or steal my pillows
Retweeted by Real Life MommyScience: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves. My dog: There’s no way I’m walking on wet grass.
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMe: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders My dog: It’s a new person! Please… https://t.co/G78v11vmj8server: have you dined with us before? me: [into hidden mic] they're on to us! abort! abort!
Retweeted by Real Life MommyWe had done it. We had pulled off a next-level stunt that would've amazed even the most hardcore Hollywood stunt ma… https://t.co/vrtb6WrzTS
Retweeted by Real Life Mommythem: let's do something sometime me: I'd rather not them: but I JUST asked if you wanted to be friends.. you sm… https://t.co/53WOwqwl4r
Retweeted by Real Life Mommyme: why are my tweets bombing? I need advice friend: be funnier me: lol I was hoping for more specific advice f… https://t.co/mxXNrqtZGu
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy @DanielMaxAndrew @The_Albinoshrek I certainly hope so! @SpawTara Whoa! That makes that update even worse! @Aikiwomannc https://t.co/6mDVuQG939 @Martes52962944 🔥🔥❤️Now that my career path is set I can finally focus on perfecting the whistling intro to Patience by Guns N Roses.
Retweeted by Real Life MommyEvery time I type "I love it", autocorrect tries to ruin my whole life https://t.co/qZJhYR0PUn
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy @perlhack I love you Nate!Email: ‘ACTION REQUIRED’ Me: https://t.co/6RKyS3pDxr
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy
11/29
2020
Miracle On 34th Street is an action movie
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMom can you come pick me up? No the election is over. I won but they cheated. I won by a lot. But they’re saying I… https://t.co/o5XfYRUVjV
Retweeted by Real Life MommyThe eyes are the windows to the soul -beautiful and poetic The windows are the eyes of your house -creepy and uncomfortable
Retweeted by Real Life MommyI admit I’m jealous of that lizard that can shoot blood of it’s eye
Retweeted by Real Life MommyAmerica - divided by politics, united by love for tacos
Retweeted by Real Life MommyTo the world you may mean nothing, but to someone you may mean especially nothing
Retweeted by Real Life MommyI fell asleep halfway into a Hallmark Channel holiday movie, then woke up halfway through another. It took me 30 minutes to notice
Retweeted by Real Life MommyOh, you love Santa Claus? Name every present he's ever delivered
Retweeted by Real Life MommyPervy fishermen DM you pictures of their docks
Retweeted by Real Life MommyDon't let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy4: how do you write a “G?” me, grabbing a tub of crayons to find a green one to use as an example finds: tropical… https://t.co/ovOnZ9s9fV
Retweeted by Real Life MommyI can’t wait to shop for 4’s Christmas list, which consists of a dragon with a diamond on his head, a snake-thingy,… https://t.co/PMUpgttAwg
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy2020 - when “Put on Your Big Girl Pants and Deal with It” means you need to get bigger pants if pants are actually required
Retweeted by Real Life Mommyme, to family: do you guys follow me on Twitter? I want to know if I can make fun of you or not
Retweeted by Real Life MommyNow that Thanksgiving is over https://t.co/ZHmQfsWcTM
Retweeted by Real Life MommyAs soon as I finish eating my third plate of leftovers, it’s over for you britches
Retweeted by Real Life MommyWhat my siblings think of me when I try to act cool https://t.co/FvMGv3NB0K
Retweeted by Real Life MommyWent to bed feeling like the main character and woke up feeling like a NPC
Retweeted by Real Life MommyHome for the Holidays in 2020 means using the pandemic as an excuse to avoid people from high school
Retweeted by Real Life MommyWhat’s preventing your life from looking like this? https://t.co/q6vwMU1h7P
Retweeted by Real Life MommyWatching the Queen’s Gambit is the equivalent of watching other kids play the video game demos at GameStop
Retweeted by Real Life Mommyvending machine meat is the wurst https://t.co/T7cZugiDXl
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy“Why’d you do that?” “It’s still too early.” “But, it’s after Thanksgi-“ “TOO FUCKING EARLY, BARBARA.” https://t.co/dbAlupVWl9
Retweeted by Real Life Mommyyou don’t want to miss this action https://t.co/AWWDTuxp27
Retweeted by Real Life MommyYou're not putting THAT in there. ~ first woman, probably
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMy 5-year-old hates getting his hair cut, but for the last few he’s gotten, he has said, “Ok fine, I’ll get 31 hair… https://t.co/8gGlFbjvgU
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMy 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMy toddler is currently barking and scooting his butt across the floor like the dog we saw at the park last week, b… https://t.co/i8DFZ4HXGm
Retweeted by Real Life MommyI just found my 5-year-old on the toilet with his plate of cream cheesed bagels with him. I don’t know whether to b… https://t.co/4JWOLeIgeE
Retweeted by Real Life MommyMy morbid child just woke up from a nap, laid there silently for a few minutes, and then finally said, “I’m just tired of dying, mom.”
Retweeted by Real Life MommyI can deflect a compliment like I invented the idea, and don’t you forget it.
Retweeted by Real Life MommyWe only have a 3lb turkey in the oven, but my kitchen still smells like Big Bird slathered himself in butter and went to a rave in Key West.
Retweeted by Real Life Mommymy dq blizzard doesn’t have enough nuts. there are not enough nuts in anything for me. why are there not enough nut… https://t.co/mFzeBESxSJ
Retweeted by Real Life Mommythrow me face first into a dumpster so i know it’s real
Retweeted by Real Life MommyNo need for a DNA test. My kids never turn off any light in t he house when they leave a room. They are definitely my husband’s.
Retweeted by Real Life MommyOurs is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Retweeted by Real Life MommyI’ve invented a new sport wherein I use my robot vacuum to push a golf ball around my house and bounce it off of va… https://t.co/beyIoAR31X
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy
11/28
2020
@wkuviolet I think I love your mother ❤️ @DavidEWeaver3 Agreed! @TheFnVoor @capnwatsisname She likes aliens, or she is an alien? @80sjams 😬🤷🏻‍♀️ @reccastle It must https://t.co/dLYYgDVj4fMy kid seems to genuinely like people and I honestly have no idea who she got that fromCustomer: this age-defying cream doesn’t work Me: *opening bottle* still looks like new to me
Retweeted by Real Life MommyDon't cry, you're a big girl - *sobs* Don't cry, it's going to be ok - *sobs* Don't cry, you spent a half hour putting makeup on - "oh ok"
Retweeted by Real Life MommyBREAKING: Dyslexic alien seekers are rushing toward Area 15.
Retweeted by Real Life MommyLast week, I taught my 1yo nephew how to say "Chicken Butt." My sister hasn't said as much, but I'm pretty sure she… https://t.co/OrHFURCRjR
Retweeted by Real Life MommyHopefully someone will do a fight me tweet today
Retweeted by Real Life Mommy
11/27
2020

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