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🍅62% 🍿12% • CPAP enthusiast • recent https://t.co/Ji8MEFQBLZ • Instagram robertmanchild • header by @dave_cactus

1,696 Following   6,659 Followers   36,961 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/2/13


Not me. Us. https://t.co/ec7XgfEl7b
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️My cat when JLo broke into “Let’s get Loud” 😂 https://t.co/HemrhcnFGU
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️#FF @POTUS follow back homie
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️[enter NASCAR pit crew]The staff probably replaces the entire toilet, right?Ok hear me out https://t.co/DvvqO9fqY6
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️
1/21
2021
so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you… https://t.co/UEeilHpW6Y
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Mood on QAnon forums right now https://t.co/EouHCXOOxL
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Heaven help the Mar-a-Lago staff today. Hoboy.BREAKING NEWS: Former Parks and Recreation Guest Star Joe Biden Sworn In As President of the United States https://t.co/vuGTD4fQQh
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️lol it’s funny cause biden sounds like bye don, which is trumps first name https://t.co/lZvwMhm5L9
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️I hope this email finds ewe well https://t.co/g2gKQhXFv5
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️tomorrow don jr is going to come down from the attic and think he made his family disappear
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @YlfTyler It’s the life we chose @YlfTyler aw hell yeah @YlfTyler Bless you. Tell them there’s a burner on the tleveryone’s asleep? Cool cool let me tweet this @Cpin42 milkshake rock 🤘ME: *googling "how to use a fire extinguisher"* WIFE: We should just leave
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️I hope this email finds ewe well https://t.co/g2gKQhXFv5Joe Biden's first day in office, 5:00 PM. He gets up from the President chair and a shadowy figure enters the oval… https://t.co/JhS6IhBsc8
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @nickynaptime @TheToddWilliams Pardon? @ThatEricAlper https://t.co/F7RTFAVf8IBREAKING: Trump accidentally pardons Jack Twitter, Steve Apple, and Mark Faceberg(?)
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy [going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Who likes shadow puppets? A show of hands
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️FOLLOW MY ACCOUNT THAT DOES NOTHING BUT TWEET JOE BIDEN’S TWEETS BUT MAKES THEM ALL START WITH “LISTEN, JACK!” https://t.co/JghabdVws3
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Me *passes note to my brain*: Do you like me yes/no
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️
1/20
2021
if chapstick no food why do i eat it
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️i made a comic https://t.co/i0jIMf6LML
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @TryMetafy Lovely @Applegate https://t.co/wEeMhuOq4Q @TryMetafy Yes, Chef.Just working out a plan to start a MLM scheme for NPCs in D&D, if you're looking for the worst sort of person imaginable
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️You’ll go to bed while the group chat is named like “Friends 🙂” and wake up to “Cum Socks”
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️internet drama part 3: i just need butter 😩 https://t.co/dyFretSOlc
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️if i avoid enough responsibilities the consequences pile up like a weighted blanket i can sleep under. a consequilt
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that… https://t.co/WKSkACMR2G
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Imagine picking up 64 of these bad boys and stuffing them into a single pocket and calling it a stack https://t.co/p0x5THLNT4
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @Jeffwni @ReticentTurnip absolutely, but the list was written by a cretinThem: how you get expelled from hogwarts Me: https://t.co/GUqz6XzXqV
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Bean Dice! The perfect gift for... people who like beans, I guess. https://t.co/pNwf607fuZ
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @uscensusbureau Byeeeeeee bitch
1/19
2021
What the hell?? https://t.co/I9vnkIzeg0 @AndrewSolender What the hell?? https://t.co/A7xg4ANCrZInsta keeps suggesting this content https://t.co/8ElqZTOWtT
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @lynndewitttoya K. It’s on the list. @jwelchtex @Bob_Janke Is that supposed to dissuade him? 🔥 @ADHDeanASL She seems nice.If you say "I seen" instead of "I saw" I will set your house on fire
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @RealRebelElle @Bob_Janke Ha!Insta keeps suggesting this content https://t.co/8ElqZTOWtTthe only good reason to run for president is to find out if aliens are real
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Can a toddler watch Bridgerton
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️fellas is it gay to save the environment https://t.co/pJXpM3qbQz
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @PoodleSnarf @TheRealPalMal Came here to see this
1/18
2021
⚡️ “Things That Are Great LXXXIV” It's right there in the title, but you should see for yourself. #FF Vol 84 https://t.co/1gwVD4ICQ8
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymor… https://t.co/4za7zaEyoL
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation* Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️I hope this email finds you living in a shotgun shack I hope this email finds you in another part of the world I ho… https://t.co/brksJE2IA6
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️An owl listening to "Who Are You" just getting madder and madder.
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park) INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell 'hot dogs'? ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.* "Oh no! My research!!"
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️https://t.co/skdZHVYZOY
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️call me Big Jersey when you https://t.co/4gh99K0qu7
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Me: aha is there a mr demeanor Lawyer: actually can we plead extra guilty?
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️https://t.co/V2O2oYnx9f
1/17
2021
@lincnotfound 😬 @elle91 YI’d love to invest, but all my money’s tied up in wrong parts I haven’t returned to Home Depot yet
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @flindis is there a Dunkin’ attached??Why does TJ Maxx have more than one World’s Best Mom mug for sale?
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @hotpockets Maybe delete thisIt’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Synesthesia’s got me feeling blue...
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️I’m “excited to try these new probiotics” years old
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @BigJDubz She seems niceHow much you want to bet Trump thinks Lidell's name is Mike Pillow?
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @emertz4 @dumbmillennial_ Just be careful https://t.co/HchHL8HeLn @dumbmillennial_ hornt for InstacartNormalizing grocery delivery was the best thing to come out of 2020
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @KimmyMonte under appreciateddon’t bring a guns and roses to a foo fight
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @cellapaz https://t.co/g0p9gpWtt2https://t.co/BiBmDCBoS8
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️Gonna tell my kids this was Wandavision https://t.co/zw8z1Nw6rCI forgot the word DVD and called them “movie bagels”
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @AngrySkycrane @FrogAvalanche It’s a cry for help. @FrogAvalanche Hoppers. We are not the same. https://t.co/PfYCM0epTl
1/16
2021
[road trip to Oregon, 2021] WIFE: Pass me the aux. [road trip to Oregon, 1851] WIFE: Pass me the ox.
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️ @ogbrenna 👀I think it's a bolt because she moving like a robot.No one: My kid: I had a dream where someone was holding a rabbit like a machine gun and the rabbit was shooting ca… https://t.co/WPdmaLFSA0Someone just asked me if I "know the song Hallelujah from Shrek." FROM SHREK
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️[dad church] priest: well it's been real, it's been fun congregation: it's been real fun
Retweeted by Robert Manchild 🏳️‍⚧️
1/15
2021

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