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Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix New Hampshire, USA

Disappointing people since 1968. | GET MY BOOKS: | Latest Tweets: | Top Tweets:

4,809 Following   22,032 Followers   132,664 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/11/08

*staring out the window at nothing* I need blinds.
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroixyou’re telling me jack rustled these terriers
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixI'm proposing we combine Fritos and Doritos to create a super chip. We can call them Fritos.
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixNews: To accommodate gender neutrality, Mr. Potato Head and Mrs. Potato Head will now be called Potato Head. Me: T… a shampoo bottle on one edge of the bath might fall on me so I decided to move it and instead threw it di…
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix[Zoom Call] Boss: How's everyone doing? Me: IT'S 7 AM AND WE ARE HAVING A MEETING HOW DO YOU THINK WE'RE ALL DOING, MIKE @BBFTC1 Thanks!! Here's one: only time I'll ever chase a man is if he's driving an ice cream truck.
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroixpart of the beauty and magic of being a wife and mom is knowing that i could be on my deathbed vomiting blood and m…
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixI've only been on this diet for 3 days but I can already feel a change in my outlook omg I want to murder everyone you guysGuys! I can still drop it like it’s hot! The only problem is picking it back up again...
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixGot winded trying to rip the tag off a new shirt if you're wondering what my current level of fitness is. @julcasagrande or maybe he's like super super early just playing devil's advocate here I'm sorry @MaybePileJokes Thanks!! Here's one:*Phone rings at 8:00pm Me)Who could that be, calling in the middle of the night
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixNow that the weather is getting warmer it's time to change my work clothes. [puts on lighter bathrobe]Just got electrocuted fixing the doorbell, and now I can read my girlfriend's mind! She's thinking she should have called an electrician.
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixMe: How do you feel today after your second vaccination? Wife: My arm is really sore, but that’s it. Me: So do you… @boston25gene @NicoleOliverio I don’t know why teachers are surprised that kids are so good at giving themselves Co… in-person schools are requiring the kids to give themselves Covid tests, which works out well since they’re us… Can you help me with this? Also the child: You’re doing it wrong. @Theresaroets911 [Malachi Crunches my way onto your timeline]Growing up Irish I never called them Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head I called them dad and mom
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroixcdc: covid lives on countertops for hours my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroixif you’re on the fence about having kids just know my four year old is crying because I made her a toasted peanut b…
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixThe First Moustronaut *steps out of rocket ship and licks the moon* wtf is this!?
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixWhat you say: Don’t make a mess. What the child hears: Destroy everything.
I just bought a kazoo. Boy, is my wife in for some sweet surprise serenading on sex night. @ottawadeafgirl @UNHWildcats I wrote FIVE. So, I guess, technically I also wrote two of them. @mistrustme1 @TimberBoJack @wolfmannjr @emily_tweets @BegoniaLuv Awww thank you, Molly! We appreciate you, too. @drinksmcgee going back a ways for this one: @drinksmcgee thanks!! here's one: What book has affected your life the most? - The Lord of the Rings. - Really, why? - My mom used to hit me with it.
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixJust paid my son's UNH enrollment fee, meaning I now have TWO @UNHWildcats in the family!!! Also please by my boo… MOM DAD IS EATING THE SOAP AGAIN They should make a soap opera about the sex lives of people in rundown pubs and call it "Lays of our Dives." T… @ContestThursday thanks! weather is warming up so now the kids can finally go outside and get some fresh air while they play on their phones.How to clean a mini-blind: Step 1: Just throw it away and buy a new one.
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @RowzizRowz My too. Not a fan of her walking up to strangers now and yelling COUGH IN MY FACE @contradiction70 turns out I have broccoli cancerMy wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go] @Froschauer_AF thanks, Amy!! @mistrustme1 I dreamed I was mayor of a town where everything was made of Skittles so samesies @Thespookykiwi can...can I just have a cupcake orMe: Let me know how your second vaccination shot goes. Wife: Okay. Why? Me [setting up eHarmony profile]: no reasonParents always say they want eyes in the back of their heads but I would trade those in a heartbeat for ears that could automatically close. @RomanState36 @TheWinegasm my wife says yes @Erin1137 No [crying] HOW LONG HAVE I GOTI VOLUNTARILY ATE BROCCOLI TONIGHT AM I DYING IS THIS THE END AM I DYING
Summer: you think children can be trusted to make good decisions just remember that Adam Sandler once won a Kid's Choice Award.UPDATE: wonder if this will work. You look like you're in a bad mood. Me: I worked today. Wife: oh right @MamaNeedsACoke @Mamaoutoforder @momma_ghost @spicydisaster27 @MumInBits @Dad_At_Law @emilychibwana @UltraKjester @HenpeckedHal hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah[repeat all the… @urmumsausername @PuckerUpButter1 @LostInMyWorld97 @suecorvette @Chelle_Coops @ADHDeanASL @portmanteauface @SvnSxty my 15-yr old just almost drove us straight into oncoming traffic while driving so [calls doctor to double anxiety medication]Counselor: welcome to the daddy issues support group. Find a chair and we’ll get started in a few minutes, I just n…
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @_Jizzabelle that's my wife's job and she does it out of the kindness of her heart. ;)Everyone born in 1969 must snicker every time they fill in a form.
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixTIP: Make lasagna if you want to hear your kids complain about what they're eating one layer at a time.The slogan for Canada Dry should be "Sorry you’re sick.”
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @scot7a thanks, Scott! @_Jizzabelle I have teens to say mean shit to me so I'll save my money, but thanks anyway.[breakfast] Me: Come here, you beautiful thing. Wife: Are you talking to your ham?Deli guy: NUMBER 69. 69? 69 PLEASE. Me [200 feet away in aisle 18]: NOICETWEET CALL SONG REVEAL! Yep, it's "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams, even though I tend to murder everything I play.… @Lance_Said_This same100 million shots in a hundred days sounds like a hard task, but I nearly accomplished the same thing one wild blac…
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixHey, NASA, do you mind looking for my son’s shoe while you’re on Mars? He’s looked “everywhere.”
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroixyouth pastor: you know who else was considered a daft punk
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @AndyJokedAgain thanks, Andy!!“do not taste the dog” and other things I never expected to say: a parenting memoir
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @AndyJokedAgain @all_tweet_calls thanks, Andy!I have eclectic tastes: at night, I’ll sleep in bed, but during the day, I’ll sleep in a zoom meeting.
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @contradiction70 they're okay once you get used to them wait @chloethesiren @CrissieC I was 1. Man, could I tell you stories.[winter, with the heat on] Wife: OMG it’s freezing in here. [summer, with the air conditioning on] Wife: OMG it’s freezing in here.Lockdown's been hard on all of us; caught myself missing the in-laws the other day
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix backup camera on my wife's SUV is like a summer blockbuster for people who hate parked cars and mailboxes.
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @RickAaron I Know What You Backed Into Last Summer @contradiction70 Although I should go easier on you as I, too, have not had whiskey. Today. Yet. @contradiction70 @contradiction70 @stewiecoffee thanks, Stewie! @ADV_Brad the king's horses, dumbfounded, attempting to read the instructions for the Ikea ëgg
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixI really have to get my shit together if I’m going to be seen in public by this summer.
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @ewnolds I was 1 so it really brings back memories for me.Imagine how far Bryan Adams would have gotten if Jimmy hadn't quit and Jody didn't get married
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @Girl15Gone thanks! @Girl15Gone when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me My teenage son: nice
Retweeted by Rodney LacroixSome tweet calls are so complicated! Send tweet Must be created today Must include the words tea towel, ratbag, oo…
Retweeted by Rodney Lacroix @urmumsausername thanks, Claire!!