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He is, you know.

990 Following   3,610 Followers   54,287 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/22/09


WORK IN LESS THAN TWELVE HOURS. GO TO SLEEP. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELVES. Wouldn't it be great to sit up… https://t.co/TiRXZPUqAw @katemelsom YOU ARE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER FOR THIS PROJECT. SHIT RESTS ON YOU HERE. @AnchorCake Good point. LEAVE HIM WITH THE BILL. @AnchorCake THROW THE WINE IN HIS FACE."I will DEFINITELY be there for you AFTER I have concluded this 365 day study into your life."Is...is the message of I'll Be There For You not INFINITELY more powerful if the promise to be there was in DESCEND… https://t.co/yC23TrSPTN"Right, have your parents gone? GOOD. Okay, here's the plan. You watch us on the telly, I'll sort out the meter rea… https://t.co/6cTqOHRzMdWHY ISN'T THERE A CRAZY META 'REAL LIFE BADGE' EPISODE OF HEY DUGGEE WHERE DUGGEE JUST LETS THE SQUIRRELS WATCH HEY… https://t.co/KIbiYe7aAsProf. Oak: do not fuck with the tall grass Ash: ok Prof. Oak: i literally can not stress that enough Ash: alrigh… https://t.co/dqDvGNQgHr
Retweeted by Sacha Fernando
2/23
2020
HOW GOOD WOULD IT BE IF CHURCHILL BECAME ONE OF POKEMON'S LEGENDARY DOGS.FINE DINING. https://t.co/EWnFkyh1RFI've never seen Anderson Cooper EXPLODE on someone before?!?! Damnnn 🤭😏 💣🧨🧭 https://t.co/NnrG3nxNXt
Retweeted by Sacha Fernando
2/22
2020
SUPER MASH BROS https://t.co/jX250WFTI8
Retweeted by Sacha FernandoOkay, WHICH OF THE SQUIRRELS' PARENTS IS THE PRICK WHO ANNOUNCES THEIR ARRIVAL AT DUGGEE'S HOUSE BY BEEPING THEIR HORN.
2/21
2020
Oh my God, the term “so what?” is BRILLIANT. Not ONLY do you ENTIRELY MUG SOMEONE OFF with it but YOU DO SO having… https://t.co/dnYQ1EuHYtThe baby has woken up every hour to hour and a half ALL NIGHT LONG and YES, I GET IT, CHILD, YOU HAVE VOCAL CORDS,… https://t.co/3H70Isp38U
2/20
2020
PLEASE just block me if you possess ANY garment with your nickname on it.
2/19
2020
FUCKING RAIN. https://t.co/b1VrcQLuH7who said greek tragedies were not funny??? https://t.co/MGxEs4dGBj
Retweeted by Sacha FernandoAre we kind to ourselves? And what does that mean, really? Because I don't think it means just buying ourselves stu… https://t.co/yNbNSiPLYh
Retweeted by Sacha FernandoWe don't need to be kind. What we need is to radically examine our attitudes towards kindness itself. Are we kind t… https://t.co/HAKhZDNgeO
Retweeted by Sacha FernandoAll these calls to "be kind" -- the problem is, we already think we ARE kind.
Retweeted by Sacha Fernando @Chocohalix There ARE. PUNCH POWER IS THE BEST. PUNCH POWER FOR THE WIN.These two newsagents are fifty metres apart, of which ROAD accounts for about TEN, so I am KIND of hoping the power… https://t.co/nmjBX1WK84He then gave me the Larry David stare. I DIDN'T GO IN TO CONDUCT AN AUDIT OF THE OTHER SHOP, I WENT TO GET SOME M… https://t.co/HaKTHTGj40M: for how long?? H: I waited until 10 and then went home. M: So, for, like, 3 hours? H: yeah...quick question...wh… https://t.co/X2TonFMUcOH: Do you know what time they closed? M: Nope, just ran in and got my bits. Wait, hang on, that was about two hours… https://t.co/vx5xl6mlsuHIM: You know, the power was out. ME: On Sunday? Yeah, me too. H: I saw you go the other way, to the other guy. M:… https://t.co/SjOMV56jC8Remember the power cut the other day? I JUST GOT A GRILLING FROM MY NORMAL NEWSAGENT AFTER HE SAW ME GO TO ANOTHER… https://t.co/hpuAqDOANbI still think about this line. https://t.co/9Gf0pHahIV
Retweeted by Sacha Fernando
2/18
2020
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COMPUTER GAME, WHY AND WHO BOUGHT IT FOR YOU AND WHAT IS THE BACK STORY TO THE PURCHASE. @unamccormack QUESTION PLEASE. Has it ever been addressed why the Cardassians never stumbled across the wormhole in… https://t.co/lk83thZiMJWould it not have made more sense for Data to just be in charge of the Enterprise. WHO GIVES A SHIT IF HE HAD A CRAP SENSE OF HUMOUR. @katemelsom FUZZY, NEEDY, PLOTTING.YES, it WOULD have been nice if the photo was ACTUALLY in FOCUS but we are talking about taking a photo AS QUICKLY… https://t.co/nm7JsTAphcTHE LADS. https://t.co/M4jK97OnZ5THE POWER IS BACK. THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
2/17
2020
@areyouellie FAIR...in which case you also need to rank the barstaff you want there. @kirstymerryn ALL I am INTERESTED in SUMMONING is SOMEONE from the ELECTRICITY BOARD. @katemelsom If my phone dies, I will NEVER stop crying. NEVER. THIS HAS BEEN TOO TRAUMATIC. Speak fondly at my funeral. WHAT WILL YOU READ. @katemelsom Still no power! I CAN'T EVEN MAKE TOAST. THAT'S, like, FROM THE DINOSAURS. Can...can you bung me some batteries please? @TheAmyHorror Sadly the problem is down my whole road. WELL, THE ONE SIDE. My house is FREEZING now. WAAAAAAAAAH.The ONLY positive in this, my brush with the MIDDLE AGES, is that HOPEFULLY the neighbours that I hate are inconven… https://t.co/VZHhAjaqiIThe WORST bit is the other side of the road are fine. LOOK AT THEM, USING ELECTRICITY, DECADENT BASTARDS.WHAT. THERE IS A POWERCUT. I AM GOING TO DIE. NO-ONE IN HISTORY HAS SUFFERED AS MUCH AS I HAVE SUFFERED. TAKE ME, LORD, BUT SPARE MY ROOMBA. @EmpJNorton KFC. AS PER NORMAL. @gutesjahr DAMNIT, SO ENVIOUS.TOP 3 FICTIONAL PLACES TO DRINK: 3. Wherever Arthur was when he asked Susan if she wanted another fish in the orig… https://t.co/OViaEoFspl @CharlTaylorPage Perhaps LEGALLY but MORALLY is UP for DEBATE. @CharlTaylorPage ...MAYBE. I hope...it's...helpful...? @re_Claire Your tweet came in and BAM, THAT REALISATION HIT ME IN THE FACE AND NOW I AM FREAKED OUT.LOOK, BELIEVE ME, I AM NOT PARTICULARLY HAPPY ABOUT THIS SITUATION EITHER.You know what's weird? Just by virtue of it being INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY that you ALREADY have CONCLUSIVE proof, you c… https://t.co/ROmxc3huqp @re_Claire You BETTER be HAVING the BEST DAY in HISTORY or WE will ALL be VERY ANGRY.Oh my GOD, WIND, SHUT UP. You have ALREADY forced me INDOORS but the fact I can STILL HEAR you, THAT, THAT is what is NOW TAKING the PISS. @katemelsom There is probably at least SOME appetite for someone reporting on a STORM whilst quite ill. GARDEN. CAMERA. YOUTUBE. NOW. @katemelsom Is this a residual of your family lurgy? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE BETTER AND ALIVE MORE. @katemelsom FURTHER PERSECUTION against those who have ALREADY SUFFERED TOO MUCH. The WAKING UP from THIS MORNING A… https://t.co/n28QCW0GK8Jesus Christ, WIND, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. Either you're invisible OR you make noise. WHICH IS IT. @katemelsom A FINE LOOKING GARMENT. This is an EXCELLENT WAY to spend ones day. HURRY UP AND FINISH IT AND SHOW OFF… https://t.co/565k9gGU8E @katemelsom This is IT. BANANA DAY. MARK your CALENDAR for YESTERDAY begins A WHOLE NEW RELATIONSHIP with BANANA MUSH ALL OVER your HOUSE.
2/16
2020
@EmpJNorton !!!! A MASTERPIECE. @EmpJNorton I do not...TEACH ME. @amy_v2 PARENTHOOD is FUN but NOT NEARLY AS FUN as having ACCESS to BEAUTIFUL ELVIS. YOU are WINNING HARD. @katemelsom My day has been SUPER INDOORS BASED and thus SUPER BORING. HOW did BABY get HOLD of a BANANA under your… https://t.co/xM7YNfU7WW @amy_v2 HI AMY. WHAT NEWS. @donna_gallers FORTY FIVE. BILLIONS.I HAVE A NEW PHONE AND I WANT TO GET USED TO THE KEYBOARD SIZE SO SOMEONE PLEASE WRITE TO ME ALL NIGHT. I WANT TO PLAY WITH THIS KEYBOARD. @katemelsom You have been LET DOWN by those around you and NOW you need to enact VENGEANCE. maybe after the weather… https://t.co/jvMoIusO2x @VexSlain EN ROUTE to the KITCHEN just MOVE HOUSE.I would be VERY happy eating green gages and Calpol for the rest of my life. The BEST FRUIT, the BEST PAINKILLER an… https://t.co/mPdMWbng9F @katemelsom It SOUNDS like SOMEONE could make a KILLING on the side as 2020's GOK WAN without LEAVING the COMFORT of their OWN HOME.
2/15
2020
@katemelsom YOU HAVE A WELL GOOD TWITTER.My ONLY HOPE is that SOMEHOW the massive amount of my white hairs in my beard SOMEHOW weigh less, as if the PRESENC… https://t.co/Wq1agmqkUp @katemelsom WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT MY GROSS EYEBROWS. @katemelsom This will change your life EXPONENTIALLY. It is the BEST FRUIT but it DOES have a MEGA PIP. This is it,… https://t.co/QGVxRhlyOzIF I SHAVE OFF MY BEARD, could I save, I dunno, about two stone. Maybe three stone. MY BMI IS PASS AGGING ME AGAIN. @katemelsom Okay, FURTHER AGREEMENT on the issue of pips being a complete, ruinous bastard. QUESTION ON THEM THOUGH… https://t.co/9tJg5AQqXM @katemelsom Grapes are ace. ABSOLUTE AGREEMENT. You know a great fruit? You know the GREATEST FRUIT? CLEMENTINES. DISCUSS. @HSouthwellFE @BaronVonClutch STEAL IT.lol. "recreates"... https://t.co/nAJ9zOIcgX
Retweeted by Sacha Fernando @katemelsom Banana bread/cake IS the best cake so WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A FIST FIGHT OVER THAT POINT...but you are… https://t.co/q5FPXJ5vKq @TuftyBall Jesus Christ, THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.ESPECIALLY if by the time you get home, it JUST HAPPENED to coincide with the arrival of a SHINY NEW BANK CARD. THE GREATEST OF ALL MAIL.Presumably there wouldn't be any problem taking your phone in, in which case, HONESTLY, TWO WEEKS IN QUARANTINE WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE. @katemelsom WHY are you HATING on BANANAS. @katemelsom CAKE REWARD. Good shout on the soggy Weetabix (THAT'S GOING ON MY LIST). HOW is BABY with a LOVE of SUPER RIPE BANANA. @katemelsom UPDATE AFTER WHAT MIGHT BE A SUPER IMAGINATIVE BREAKFAST PLEASE. @katemelsom I...I did the exact same thing yesterday. "Oh, you haven't immediately eaten the second half of this mo… https://t.co/xvfEiHHpPJ
2/14
2020
@katemelsom Hmm, God, what else is there like that? TIGER BREAD? Not quite the same league but MOZZARELLA IS NICE A… https://t.co/6lIzEJsUBMI think EXCHEQUER as a word should be heard more. @katemelsom HURRY UP AND FEEL BETTER AND TWEET MORE.I like to refer to all actors by their smallest/weirdest/most obscure role, people hate me for it and it only gives me more power
Retweeted by Sacha Fernando @Loushippers A theory that demands both APPLAUSE and a FILM SCRIPT.I'm not defending Geoffrey Cox by any means, more just HOW BAFFLED I AM that YOU can appoint a LAWYER to do LEGAL T… https://t.co/othlljmz3zI DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN SACK AN ATTORNEY GENERAL THAT YOU APPOINTED BECAUSE SURELY THEY WERE OR WEREN'T QUA… https://t.co/M26G6W8fA6 @lele_calhoun STOP DRINKING AND TWEETING.
2/13
2020
@CharlTaylorPage Okay, well if either of us ever have the energy, LET'S SETTLE IT WITH A FIGHT. Sponsored by Red Bull. @CharlTaylorPage DID RONALD MCDONALD BULLY YOU AT SCHOOL OR SOMETHING. @CharlTaylorPage ...oh yeah. Shit. OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE IT AS AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT THEN. ENHANCE YOUR TASTEBUDS.
2/12
2020

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