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Sam Jackel @sam_jackel New York, NY

comedian and former infant basketball phenom

472 Following   282 Followers   3,105 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/6/10


Don’t worry, the colors are certified. #COVID19 https://t.co/FZpOZr9XUZWould you rather lick a bus station toilet bowl or watch every episode of the Big Bang Theory?
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
3/30
2020
when this is over I’m greeting everyone like this https://t.co/SMc4iv3N8S
Retweeted by Sam JackelI wanna make spaghetti and meatballs in your kitchen and then eat it while I walk through the house carrying a glas… https://t.co/mmWBAvqlfdWhy Boston Hates NY https://t.co/g0TqdFmfE1
Retweeted by Sam JackelWho’s working on their lawns during #coronavirus ? #yardwork #brushfires https://t.co/3EsMxZioe8
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
3/28
2020
Please remember, you’re not alone. But you should be and if you’re not then you’re part of the problem. ❤️❤️❤️ #COVID19
3/27
2020
#TigerKingNetflix was insane. But can we talk about how there’s no way that is him singing those songs? #ISawDubbingI don’t want to sound insensitive, but no one should be surprised Florida isn’t taking Covid-19 seriously. “Coeds?… https://t.co/RgDxnCM2Np
3/26
2020
The silver lining is the stuff that they make hazmat suits out of. #NoExcuses
3/25
2020
My sister sent me this (turn the sound on!) and it’s the best thing that’s happened to me today https://t.co/1AmzmLAwMq
Retweeted by Sam JackelYes we are open for business. Seth did a new Closer Look today from his hallway. God bless email and dropbox and z… https://t.co/UI1cOJCbOv
Retweeted by Sam JackelPeople are: - not working for days - not shaving beards - debating playing video games for 16 hours straight/just d… https://t.co/koYdygcjFz
Retweeted by Sam JackelToday is my first official day of being unemployed. So I will be starting a #NoExcuses not to write jokes thread. F… https://t.co/Hh6449BJRWI am not the first to say this nor will I be the last: no one should be listening to the president and no network s… https://t.co/MytIjmyoUx
Retweeted by Sam Jackel @KimmyMonte I think that guy’s name is Joe something? Now, he’ coming over here.make a prequel to a movie i’ll go first: Jaw
Retweeted by Sam JackelNEW YORK: Shelter in place. CALFORNIA: Shelter in place. FLORIDA: Dade County Coughing Contest starts in 20 minutes!
Retweeted by Sam JackelChicken patty is short for chicken Patricia
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
3/24
2020
The irony of @senatemajldr lecturing anyone on holding up the wheels of progress should not be lost on anyone. He i… https://t.co/2dB4Yxg4GK
3/23
2020
South Street Bus Station Boston, MA 3pm 3/8/20 https://t.co/kyXSnG8dp5
3/8
2020
Answer these questions and see which of the 2020 Democrats agrees with you the most https://t.co/22Wlw7ndSO
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
3/3
2020
Life is precious, you never know when it’s your time. #DodgingDeath https://t.co/BnrWrgQ1rHIt finally happened! The flight attendant asked "is there a doctor on this flight?" and I leapt up and said yes! D… https://t.co/bZEf0mSbld
Retweeted by Sam JackelWhich Harry Potter house are you in? #TheWalkingDead https://t.co/nMubEj9muyMy one person show is BACK, and BIGGER, and BOLDER (eh, it's equally bold, please don't use that in the pull quote)… https://t.co/QEdboukFBE
Retweeted by Sam JackelCheck out SONGS FOR A SLOTH - Feature Film by Grayson Ross on @Kickstarter https://t.co/9DTsTInhM7
2/24
2020
Are shower caps for food still a thing? #AskingForAFriend #coronavirus
2/17
2020
Did @PreetBharara make my annual list of great names? Tune in next Monday to find out!* *subject to change
2/12
2020
Did those #angrybirds ever calm down? @dustyslay That’s harassment sir 🧐 @dustyslay That doesn’t look like a handshake. Looks like I should turn my head and cough. @MelissaAquiles A unicorn woman. But we should talk about that horn. @emilymathwich If you’re busy, I wrote one you can use ❤️
2/11
2020
@horsedivorce Scary Movie!.@realDonaldTrump you look GORGEOUS tonight!!!!!! https://t.co/zIVWHhujKD
Retweeted by Sam Jackel @izabelleOH That’s called harassment mam. 😳There’s a lot of debate over whether Vase is pronounced Vays or Vahz. Either way @tjmaxx I’m not paying for it. #SaturdayThoughts
2/8
2020
@missbreton “Never Seen It” Podcast, so much funI love every single thing about this ⁦@justinbieber⁩ video. Take the time when you can and watch it. It’ll do you… https://t.co/Dt5JivSuuw
Retweeted by Sam JackelAn all-time reliable way to mix up panic, self body shame, and social anxiety is to go ahead and try and take off a… https://t.co/uraNFQ5oUb
Retweeted by Sam Jackel @PopTartsUS are salty cookies. #fightmeTomorrow starts the countdown to the finale of one of the best live comedy shows in the city. Come see this great c… https://t.co/wUFbNDliK8
2/7
2020
hoooo boy this is a fun 2 minutes https://t.co/EGL61nI0NL
Retweeted by Sam JackelThere are only 3 million people in the entire state! That’s almost as many votes as @HillaryClinton won the 2016 election by! #IowaCaucasSo you’re allowing women to be photographed now? How progressive. 🖕🏼 https://t.co/OZEpyqKVTNThey ran out of fingers and toes, so the math escaped them. #IowaCaucusDisaster #iowaproudThe issue is they only have one internet connection, and they’re all sharing it. It’s at the public library.… https://t.co/HOeMBIFnCjLook, I am from Iowa. Iowans shouldn’t be this important. It’s against our Midwest humble nature. Also we’re idiots. #IowaCaucuses @JWCrump And leads the lost boys against Captain Hook too!
2/4
2020
Oh sure I crap in a box and keep it and I get kicked out of church. But @Cologuard comes along and everyone’s fine… https://t.co/zpezTgj4qM
2/2
2020
This is tonight! #AWN @thepitnyc https://t.co/fCQdHPDa3X
1/27
2020
@JWCrump Anyone should be so lucky to engage in sexual acts with someone as wonderful as you. 😉 @LGAairport You misunderstand, but thank you @LGAairport I am making a joke at the expense of @DonaldJTrumpJr and u… https://t.co/vpXh8y0ofkLook at these @LGAairport prices! Chips for $3?! Almonds for $13?! Toilet paper for $30?!! #YearoftheRat https://t.co/12UQK8tLMG
1/24
2020
I’m tired of trying to remember my passwords for everything. I’m just gonna make them all easier to remember. Like… https://t.co/oZWbBNMT4ZIf I had to ballpark it, I’d say it’s 6000 degrees in my Bedroom. #RadiatorHeat #Queens
1/7
2020
@kimberlycongdon Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?
1/6
2020
@MaryAliceMcNab Pen pals
1/4
2019
White girls don’t have social security cards, we are assigned a Starbucks gift card at birth
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
12/23
2019
I hurt my back putting on my spin shoes. Happy Holidays !!@onepeloton
12/16
2019
Hi, so I bought these shoes and gravity still applied...advise please. @adidas https://t.co/Uy7vXFRFl1OKC Lady: “I’m really open and non-judgemental.” Me: I’m glad, because I might want to explore Ethical Non-Monogam… https://t.co/vipkYnu7o5
12/10
2019
If you saw my room you’d think I was about to have a yard sale and the highest priced item is my collection of half… https://t.co/0JLal2hrWG @alottbot 😬#MyTwitterAnniversary So I’m reminding you of one of my favorites. https://t.co/k4y5MP2mOq
12/7
2019
This is my #TwitterMomentsOfTheDecade nomination https://t.co/KfRJDYdirr
Retweeted by Sam JackelOMG the transformation! She went from self obsessed in shape hot girl to unbearable self obsessed in shape hot girl… https://t.co/80TRgfsKZdI haven't decided who I am voting for. There's a long way to go. But one prerequisite for me is that the candidate… https://t.co/9sWw4wu5kR
Retweeted by Sam JackelThis. Is. Too. Funny. #perfect https://t.co/CWj4DlZOPH
12/3
2019
Come see dis! @thepitnyc #Tonight #comedy #theatre https://t.co/S4moXwlgnH
11/25
2019
Come one come all to the show of the year! We’ve got laughs and truth and plenty of beer! Don’t be afraid, you’ll f… https://t.co/gK7UjkAaF8
11/22
2019
I wish the news media would stop framing this as the Democrats case against the president. He is a liar and traitor… https://t.co/OZdv0EJYYQ @izabelleOH It only gets me hotter 😳 @MelissaAquiles You can’t change him Melissa! Run! 😳This is Amazing!!! https://t.co/sqqs7JrXol
11/21
2019
Hey @NBA you wanna impress me? Have the players play 6 on 6 womens rules from my childhood. 3 dribbles, half court… https://t.co/vLufOQiNt4
11/20
2019
@CruzKayne I saw your post. I wanted to invite you and your wife. ♥️ https://t.co/yH2grBjJZd
11/19
2019
In my nearly 4 years of doing comedy, the vast majority of all my performances and content creation has been availa… https://t.co/N6P5yj0tjg
Retweeted by Sam JackelPowdered donuts are meant to be licked. RT if you agree with me and not @dunkindonuts management. #MondayMotivationPlease come to this show, I worked hard on it too, It’s good for all fish, be they red green or blue. https://t.co/WCSdInDmc3
11/18
2019
@dustyslay @ScotPollard31 @survivorcbs Somebody went to Kansas State I guess. @sandwichJOY That’s Iowa.
11/14
2019
Yes, I’ve been saying this for years! Smoking your hands is not the same as washing them! https://t.co/NMsrqfPN2SThe is the best advertisement for glass cleaner I’ve ever seen https://t.co/MeE403ARee
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
11/11
2019
So Marcel Proust is Jake Gyllenhaal? https://t.co/EqGJh6nVr3I give up control. For once. #Solocom https://t.co/mdK1anj09r
Retweeted by Sam JackelIf I make fun of you that means I like you, what part of that is so hard to understand you absolute moron 🥰
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
11/9
2019
@CasiosCut Eminem StoreI am very fortunate to have a loving & committed partner in life who loves to travel with me & lucky indeed to have… https://t.co/15jGAUoJDg
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
11/8
2019
@kimberlycongdon “We like our men quiet too, but completely smooth everywhere. https://t.co/MbpkyhEW2HI literally just wrote this down myself the other day. “I don’t fear terrorists, I fear a pack of 13 year old girls” https://t.co/y0m85k47vb
11/7
2019
@SelenaCoppock Yes, but what about on the streets? Women are probably safe there right?
11/5
2019
When I was a kid I used to dream of a tree house, but now I’m an adult and I find that I’m settling for a tree studio apartment.
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
11/2
2019
Walking in on someone masturbating doesn’t have to be traumatic. @chrisfairbanks https://t.co/e9mLG4LFHh
Retweeted by Sam Jackel
11/1
2019
It’s important in these turbulent times to remember that I once saw a friend catch a falling wineglass with his foot. #blessedWe run fire drills, tornado drills, active shooter drills. Can we run voting drills too? We have to be ready and al… https://t.co/TDgv07HMhz @RMBouton Then they’re a tool. You’re a Queen.
10/30
2019

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