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I like the White Sox, hockey, scallops, and Oxford commas.

1,336 Following   380 Followers   15,467 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/1/11

I'd rather give Arenado's 7 years and $234 million left on his contract to Trevor Bauer. Floyd has more sacks tonight than his entire Bears tenureThey're both voting by mail. You can't make this fucking shit up.
@AKBrews And they recently let go of over 100 employees in scouting and developmentThis has been an insane day of sports. @DanteTheDon
@Buster_ESPN You forgot 2005 Game 2.Bump. is one of the best baseball games I've ever seen in my life. #WorldSeries @KennyHerzog I think I'll just watch Borat back to back. Again. @puptheband @youtubemusic This EP rocks Saddam Hussein's ass. Thank you for it.In the legal community, we call these "Fuck You Letters" and I have never written, nor seen a better one in my ten… @BNightengale Syphilis?
This is the best sentence I've ever read in my life. @Rodlongwood @ProjectLincoln They didn't even end the letter with "Govern Yourself Accordingly" @JeffPassan #GarbageCanCurse
How is this real life? @colintj @Mikey_WagzThere have been: - 20 grand slams and - 16 walkoff home runs in #WorldSeries History Only once has a team had one…
Retweeted by Sam Davis Jr. 5000 @Larry_Boa NO SNOW NO SHOW! @AKBrews I'm more worried about the GOP cheating during and after Election Day. @thekapman @ESPN1000 Is it true the best trade offer we received for Seabrook was a bucket of stale fried chicken from Jewel? @Mikey_Wagz You can't pass legislation in this country unless you control the House, Senate, and Presidency. In t… @Mikey_Wagz He literally said "it was a mistake" during the debate and during th Obama administration they literally freed 40,000 people. @Mikey_Wagz Trumo has never apologized for anything. Ever. @Mikey_Wagz Then admitted it was a mistake. Then let 40,000 people out of prison for non-violent drug offenses. @megynkelly You should talk about it on your show tomorrow. Wait, nevermind.I always "adjust my microphone" laying down on a bed with a woman who who invited me to have a drink. @benshapiro Um, yes?“The depths of his dishonesty is just astounding to me. The dishonesty, the transactional nature of every relations…"There are 500 kids who don't know they're parents are." "Good." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!Coyotes. @Mikey_Wagz @Mikey_Wagz Until Biden calls white supremacists good people, I'm going with Trump.My new favorite thing in the world is @PeteButtigieg going on @FoxNews and kicking the ever living shit out of them. @Mikey_Wagz It's not a conspiracy if there's 40 years of evidence of it.
@Mikey_Wagz Yep. Just Ike big conspiracy. With tens of thousands of people in on it! Shhhhh, don't tell anyone! @Mikey_Wagz Dude. @KyleAGlaser @BaseballAmerica @GabeBurnsAJC Yep, my thoughts exactly, Jose. at this big fat stupid cry baby @johncardillo Yes. Also, fuck you.
Of course he doesn't want Covid in his body. He prefers poop on his chest. @RudyGiuliani Go fuck yourself.He's just a good dude. That's all I want. That's all I care about. should have stuck to fucking his cousins. #ByeRudyI want Marshawn Lynch to follow me everywhere and narrate my life. @280_Rem @AKBrews There's a reason (checks notes) zero countries on this planet have a libertarian form of government.Davis Jr. 2020: Babe, Can You Get Me Some Baby Wipes For All This Dog Saliva On My Face? Mookie Game. #worldseriesWhy does Cody Bellinger always look like he's about 45 minutes into an edible? #WorldSeries @aliwhitesox He's in the category of "uncomfortably handsome" to me
@BenChiTownKid98 Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle DumberYes, please. @Mikey_Wagz The way he throws the chair lolololol @SavesTuesday Always reminds me of "I'm the Champion of Europe!" @Mikey_Wagz SATANIC BLACK MAGIC @jasonbenetti Is that a Rocky Mountain Vibes plush?!
@DarkSideOfRing Lars Sullivan's "film" career @cowhitchurch I lol'ed @joeyslugs @kanyewest It's California. You can poop on your ballot and they'd still count it. @kanyewest Go fuck yourself.
@DanteTheDon First top 15 defense Packers have faced. 15 lol @barstoolWSD Bump.
@SoxMach_pnoles The Barry episode was the best one in years. @RamonSports @HopButcher Part of a stuffed animal lol @AmCusack @Larry_Boa Fuck yeah that wide. @PreetBharara Probably to a non-extradition country.
@SumerOfGeorge Me too!'s a Class 1 Felony that Devin Hester is not in the Hall of Fame. @kayleighmcenany Someone tell Podium Barbie that her Caps Lock is stuckBest. Birthday. Ever. #whitesox #108ing @LGio27 @justinamash @DevinCow The only horrible decision was by the NY Post to publish Russian propaganda. Your politica… @ChiSquatch @MrDelicious13 Me: @BabyAntBorse @Mikey_Wagz my. That's hazy AF. @HopButcher you watched Trump on @nbc tonight and thought, "Yep! That's my guy!" you need to be immediately sterilized. @NWI_Steve I almost choked at: "What was the first thing I said to you?" "Nice to meet you?" @j_gurgone You're telling me they won't hire legally blind people at The Genius Bar?!Wait a minute. You're telling me that a story about Hunter Biden dropping off a computer to a LEGALLY BLIND COMPUTE… @BabyAntBorse @Mikey_Wagz OK, I'll bite: what crimes did they all commit?Imagine being such an awful human being that you think this is a bad thing. . . .
Retweeted by Sam Davis Jr. 5000
If loving Randy Arozarena is wrong, I don't want to be right. #ALCS @BearsFanatico94 Do you have allergies? I do, and with the weather changing constantly I've had same symptoms you d…
@JamesNeveau @Keelin_Billue @realDonaldTrump has been quite a ride, but we may have found the worst part of it: to see the Rays giving a shout out to Ricky after he got canned. love baseball.Worst 0-2 pitch ever
@Tilacore Because it's Kentucky.This man is evil personified.
Signed Sealed Delivered @UproarChi
Retweeted by Sam Davis Jr. 5000 @AthleticsRants Can I interest you in another disrespected team from a large metropolis? @DanteTheDon @stevestone @GrandPaGames @AaronLemingNFL Stoney from the top rope! @BNightengale I hope you're wrong. Just like always.It's Randy Arozarena's world. We're just living in it.