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Sammich @SamNonTheWiser United Kingdom

British millennial. Tweets based on real life with only names, dates and events changed.

1,373 Following   1,414 Followers   7,881 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/26/12


Quote tweet this with the first time you saw yourself represented in media https://t.co/W0gFH9N0E1 https://t.co/bG5fvjiI4sTherapist: That’s not normal. Me: What? Therapist: *just one long sweeping arm motion*
Retweeted by Sammich @girl_a_whirl @adamgreattweet @janehilll @JasonNotEvil @KonaSlater @1ofthe7dwarves @WinningByARose @dadpickuplinehttps://t.co/v58DQseBDy[Galilee, AD17, around dinner time] Mary: you are not going out with your friends until your room’s tidy Jesus: a… https://t.co/oUnq9bBTpn
Retweeted by SammichI have so many cannibal jokes that if I don't tweet them they eat me up inside.
Retweeted by SammichIf we're lucky, all these YouTube videos my kid watches in other languages will make him multilingual
Retweeted by Sammich @LostFelicia @adamgreattweet @janehilll @JasonNotEvil @girl_a_whirl @KonaSlater @1ofthe7dwarves @WinningByARosehttps://t.co/FuZ3OWZ21fI found a flying fuck in the pocket of an old sweater if someone needs it.
Retweeted by Sammich @adamgreattweet @janehilll @JasonNotEvil @girl_a_whirl @KonaSlater @1ofthe7dwarves @WinningByARose @dadpickuplinehttps://t.co/yCCK0PDVoW @adamgreattweet @janehilll @JasonNotEvil @girl_a_whirl @KonaSlater @1ofthe7dwarves @WinningByARosehttps://t.co/ckMmTpk16noh, you like dragons? imagine all of them.
Retweeted by SammichSo I’m just gonna sit here until I can come up with a halfway decent tweet... *waits all month*
Retweeted by SammichIf we had a kitchen the size of a football field I would still be standing right in front of the one cabinet my wif… https://t.co/DMPrVbBFMT
Retweeted by SammichCan’t. Currently filling the hole in my soul with kettle corn.
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1/23
2021
My kids are yelling and fighting, again. I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Retweeted by SammichA day without an Amazon delivery is like ... I have no idea. I’ll get back to you.
Retweeted by SammichTook like 12 multivitamins so I’m out looking for a fight.
Retweeted by Sammichpriest: *leans over* hey how do you pronounce this me: husband and wife priest: oh right
Retweeted by Sammich @dadpickupline I reckon I could take him up to the point where he’s within 50 feet of me @dadpickupline Congratulations! Here’s a fresh one for you: https://t.co/POUzwMGQlhClint Eastwood: You’ve got to ask yourself one question; “Do I feel lucky?” Well... do ya, punk? Casino Croupier [… https://t.co/3lJr5jkjwQ🍀TWEET CALL🍀 I just hit Lucky Number 7(hundred) followers so tweet call time! Send your funniest tweet about luck,… https://t.co/WC0B3X6B7c
Retweeted by SammichIt’s all fun & games until your wife forgot to take her birth control all weekend and starts getting flirty
Retweeted by Sammichpeople who say "FriYay" need a kick in the vajayyay or testiclyays
Retweeted by SammichIt’s 2021 why does pizza still have calories
Retweeted by SammichWanna go back to my place? It’s 10:30. I need to put my sweatpants on. -Me, first date
Retweeted by SammichMy toddler has been trying on her clothes, announcing that they are “a little too small”, and then cracking up. It… https://t.co/njXa2Qmprc
Retweeted by Sammich*my 6yo gets her flu shot and starts crying* me: *annoyed mumbling* omg i cannot believe i’m raising an antivaxxer this is so embarrassing
Retweeted by Sammich @StainsQueen @TweetCallsToday Like, do they HAVE to make you laugh? I don’t know if I can handle that kinda pressur… https://t.co/i02OlbVGNo @CatGee1989 It’s more of a question do I masturbate before or after I cry @awkwardenabled @BBFTC1 @TweetCallsToday 🍒 🍾 https://t.co/sIxgyK5xH7 @CatJacquesESPN @BBFTC1 @TweetCallsToday Cat ❤️❤️ https://t.co/qJMYCexZPg @The_Fledglings @skittle624 Thank you, Stacey! 🙏🏻 @awkwardenabled @BBFTC1 @TweetCallsToday And I love THIS so much - it’s the first time anyone has done a tweet read of one of mine! ❤️ @Tobi_Is_Fab Happy Friday! 😁 https://t.co/0rcPoXQnt0My phone battery went to 69% and I automatically took a screenshot. I've been on twitter way too long.
Retweeted by Sammich @Timothygriff317 STOP RUINING ALCOHOL FOR ME https://t.co/BY37RJnp0V @Timothygriff317 I’m sticking to beer and spirits from now onAin't it a peach? Significantly better than Ezra. @SamNonTheWiser selected @Timothygriff317's tweet. I cannot disag… https://t.co/Mdc21jQMj1
Retweeted by Sammich @Timothygriff317 https://t.co/ETo9Ln6lffCan you believe someone thought 🍇+🦶=🍷 And the whole world was just like, "no yeah, we're ok with that"
Retweeted by Sammich @The_Fledglings I love this contest, thank you so much! https://t.co/Uai5qqH0rs https://t.co/kzcWTVlcrA https://t.co/91c52VHV5PIt's Follow Friday and I'd like to highlight some hilarious small accounts! Check them out! #FF @dogmustardhttps://t.co/Ey8c5khhtP
Retweeted by Sammich @LizerReal @dogmustard @Xennial_Daddy @r_ss_ll @1ofthe7dwarves @fundersum @purcival @VikingBut @goofballbirklahttps://t.co/bgenWzFz93Whoever named green beans was lazy af.
Retweeted by Sammich @BBFTC1 @TweetCallsToday Happy Friday Bitchessssss 😁🥳 https://t.co/91c52VHV5PKarma is a bitch. I should know. I went to high school with her.
Retweeted by Sammichme: 3 wishes? cool! unlimited wealth genie: easy m: a time travelling DeLorean? g: done m: all wishes being com… https://t.co/Pknsri8bnq
Retweeted by SammichI like to treat small talk like a game show and see if I can answer people’s questions before they finish asking them.
Retweeted by SammichMy friend Spiked her husbands drink with Viagra and when he realised what she had done lets just say that was a rea… https://t.co/Jnodqzoez3
Retweeted by Sammich[Power cut happens] Gwyneth Paltrow: great I'll get the candles Everyone else: *immediately* oh no please let's just sit here in darkness
Retweeted by SammichMe: my alarm didn't go off and i'll be late for work. Oh well.. Them's the breaks Also me: my phone didn't charge!… https://t.co/1G4sdRJvoe
Retweeted by Sammichgod: u can eat things twice ur size snake: ok but how god: go like :o snake: god: then u just kinda :O
Retweeted by Sammich @MaybePileJokes @KonaSlater And one from me 😊 https://t.co/Uai5qqH0rs @MaybePileJokes Happy Friday, Pile! One from @KonaSlater https://t.co/2sh2H2EaFDGoats are just fight sheep.
Retweeted by Sammichwife: you ready to go the beach? me: i don't want to go. everyone always makes fun of me when i take my top off.… https://t.co/rw3Y7zkGcD
Retweeted by SammichBiden : Don't listen to them, you don't even smell like Caramel... Kamala:
Retweeted by SammichUsed to work next to this lady who fully hogged all the window light On the day she left I couldn’t stop humming 🎶… https://t.co/mNOkPhkQtA
Retweeted by SammichMy boss said I should save being on Twitter for the weekend when I’m not working. Jokes on him because I’m never working
Retweeted by SammichMy husband leaves his weekday alarms on on the weekend and I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for divorce
Retweeted by Sammich @damnfinetweet @_SingleBabyMama Wow, thank you so much!!Ding ding ding! I cannot disagree. @_SingleBabyMama selected @samnonthewiser's tweet. Whoa Nelly, would you look at… https://t.co/aw7tF3Ks42
Retweeted by Sammich @KonaSlater @MaybePileJokes Thank you, Kona! 😊
1/22
2021
Matched with a girl on Tinder. Her bio says “be my daddy” so I changed mine to “brb going out for cigarettes.”
Retweeted by SammichDOCTOR: [pulls epipen out of me] ME: Whew! That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, eh doc? DOCTOR: Well-… https://t.co/o8LP0ZTNJg
Retweeted by Sammich @damnfinetweet @LostFelicia Thank you!!Wish I had thought of it. It is known. @LostFelicia selected @SamNonTheWiser's tweet. Whoa! https://t.co/Fbn1MxfyAb
Retweeted by Sammichinstead of calling them pregnancy tests we should call them erection results
Retweeted by Sammich @eleniZarro D’ough!Recipe: Use a shallow baking tray Baking Tray: Don’t you dare use grease because it makes me look shinyI’ll happily joke about a doctor sticking his finger up my ass 'cos if Twitter's taught me one thing, it’s that sex… https://t.co/wEVXhlzhyU
Retweeted by Sammich @BoredomDidIt Hi Karen, thanks for asking! Yes, I’ve got an air fryer and it’s great to use as a 2nd oven 👍 I’ve used to it cook... @fundersum @Tifosi27AP @80sjams @DustNo5 @LostGirl2323 @MarkTConard @ham_why @DavidAdt1 Dlz - TV On The Radio Run B… https://t.co/nF7SiliitJ*unclenches for the first time in 4 years*
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1/21
2021
wonder how many times Indiana Jones thought his own whip was a snake
Retweeted by SammichWhy is it that the one who snores always falls asleep first?
Retweeted by Sammich @JodingersCat Likewise! ❤️ @JodingersCat 18,100 friends ain’t half bad, either 😉America has learned a valuable lesson: never trust a president without a dog
Retweeted by Sammichwaiter: excuse me, mam. some of our customers have informed me that you're smoking! me: *taking a drag of my ciga… https://t.co/7AMzqvQLKg
Retweeted by Sammich @BrennanMichaelP @DayBump @KKAlwaysSays @manda_tee1 @goodowens @Cycloptomese That one priest that always goes OTT:… https://t.co/3qvkJhBDPK @DayBump @KKAlwaysSays @manda_tee1 @BrennanMichaelP @goodowens @Cycloptomese Happy Hump Day! This one could do with… https://t.co/uK8uiV5vuU @GeoffreyRoedig Yup, she baked her own birthday cake last year (white chocolate drizzle) and I accidentally locked… https://t.co/8T9Wp56E6FI don’t always tweet about my wife... see? https://t.co/Sd38WHPYgf
1/20
2021
Follow me for marital tips and more: https://t.co/ZROKaglIZwI didn’t want any cats but my wife did want cats, so we compromised and got 2 cats.
Retweeted by Sammich @CCRuns @TweetCallsToday And here’s a t-shirt! https://t.co/hLELMVT4o8 @CCRuns @TweetCallsToday Amazing, congrats, CC!! https://t.co/91c52VHV5PWho called it plain pasta and not nudels?
Retweeted by SammichHe’s different! Kill him!! -History
Retweeted by Sammich @pfeffer_michael That’s amazing, please give her my regardsalways nice when a 7yr old draws you. really humbling experience https://t.co/aYoW9OsdlH
Retweeted by SammichThey like you. They really like you. Oh happy day! @Tobi_Is_Fab's pick for tweet of the day is by @SamNonTheWiser.… https://t.co/qWvUIbwKck
Retweeted by Sammich @damnfinetweet @Tobi_Is_Fab Ahhhhh! Thank you, Ash! So much love from you today! ❤️Ice T's estranged son has been trying to reach him. His name? Extended Warren T
Retweeted by SammichDon't knock my Walmart bargain bin underwear They can get the job done just as well as those fancy ones you buy at Target
Retweeted by Sammichwaiter: can I take your order me: take it? I didn’t even get it yet
Retweeted by SammichIt's always "What the fuck are you doing eating expired Pop Tarts from the dumpster?" never "HOW the fuck are you d… https://t.co/MrFDJrhHBY
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1/19
2021

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