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Comedian & Writer. My memoir GRAND is out on @GalleryBooks on Aug 11. Pre-order here: https://t.co/7hNlKYk7CS

2,327 Following   90,222 Followers   20,128 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/3/07


someone let me adapt eight of the worst AITA’s for an anthology tv show called Modern Hate.
Retweeted by Sara Schaefer
8/5
2020
so busy and overwhelmed i have a low level of gut vibrations at all timesAhhhh! Thank you @bustle for including GRAND on your list of most anticipated books for August! ☺️https://t.co/z76RwQVPHZBiden 2020: MAKE IT STOP It has a nice ring to itI know Biden should campaign on hope and actual policies but also... MAKE IT STOP would be a great campaign sloganJonathan Swan spoke to that man the same way I did when I was a nanny and the kids were obviously lying to me about… https://t.co/wk3ZC8IcKC
Retweeted by Sara Schaeferhttps://t.co/GEGWvYai64
Retweeted by Sara Schaefer
8/4
2020
@valerie_tosi excellent color and composition in this photo. 5 stars!I love @anylaurie16 so much! https://t.co/8Dx0WTmytxThank you @GMA @zibbyowens for featuring GRAND on your August must read list!!! 💕 https://t.co/95UgyiYBKd
8/3
2020
@krs777 You are not living in a world of facts. You’re childishly wailing “all lives matter” like a little kid who… https://t.co/uYaSSZprbC @RobSample @SimonAudio Mine took about 15 hours total. Not too bad! @krs777 Time to grow up.Coincidentally, the other chapter I think about a lot is a chapter from another book about the SAME man!… https://t.co/eNdbzQZvuXThis chapter in Lindy’s THE WITCHES ARE COMING is one of the funniest and smartest things I’ve read all year. I thi… https://t.co/BqZq5tgmBo @krs777 Now tell me how many would die if we didn’t have seatbelts, traffic lights, anti-lock breaks, airbags, spee… https://t.co/XCl2EvWwba @JenaFriedman Invasive species! They can reproduce in a bottle cap’s worth of standing water 😩.@LACoSheriff Villanueva does not represent the values of our community and he has got to go! #AdiosVillanuevahttps://t.co/HMVInyk3ai
Retweeted by Sara SchaeferFriday nights in quar are for ⌨️ activism. Send a letter demanding Sheriff Villanueva's resignation in response to… https://t.co/1OeSQxBOJs
8/1
2020
This already exists! I once had to buy performer liability insurance for a gig & one of the add-on options was "se… https://t.co/PCvkRvMdcOYES there will be an audiobook of GRAND. I recorded it in a little cubby under the stairs. It will be available fr… https://t.co/1AZabLkrfYWhat’s clear is that this year they are going to pull out all the stops when it comes to voter suppression. That is… https://t.co/YwhFbOKHbE
Retweeted by Sara Schaefer
7/31
2020
This was so fun! Check me out on @AlisonRosen's pod with @erinfoleycomic! https://t.co/ibEw6jYPjS @bessbell 😍Remember: after being woken up super early by an earthquake, instead of going back to bed, Shakespeare wrote HamletI woke up in a terror thinking someone was breaking into my house but no it was just the earth breaking @CarmenComedian @edfringe 😭❤️ @trumpedelic It will be available Aug 11! @TGallenstein No idea why I unfollowed but I'm GIVING YOU ANOTHER CHANCE!
7/30
2020
Fun fact: I don't have a car right now and was scared of taking an uber to go pick up the box, so I RENTED A CAR. B… https://t.co/N2WMpcwlZd @alicewetterlund @GalleryBooks THANK YOU ALICE, i know this post took great strength to write. 😂 @FatGuynaLtlCoat @MensHealthMag this should be illegal @Canadastrong99 Yes! @SlumminginBoise Omg!!!Close up https://t.co/yldu9CZUSCThank you to everyone warning me about the visible shipping label. It’s not my address but I also was too emotional to even notice anyway 😂 @pfeil It’s not my address @YouKnowSandy YOU CAN DO IT!! don’t give up. 💕 @anylaurie16 180 pt. It’s a limerick @anylaurie16 she’s thicc @itsa_talia Thank you for looking out I didn’t even realize because I’m so emotional 😭 @itsa_talia It’s not my personal address! But should I still repost?Me seeing my book in print for the first time https://t.co/LwullRcjiXThis is terrifying. And here’s the thing: This happens everyday in Black & Brown communities. People feel incarcera… https://t.co/t58B2mwCOH
Retweeted by Sara Schaefer @ScottBatemanMan YesCan’t believe I forgot @raesanni in this!! Congrats!!🍾
7/29
2020
@srh1son 😂 @Gothsalts That’s what I might start with. I have hip issues and it’s getting worse. I need to start small. Tiny butt squeezes and leg lifts @BeffernieBlack RIGHT! I was working out like crazy in Jan/Feb and had JUST gotten to knee push-up! @Gothsalts I hear you, and I did fitness classes for years where I was ALWAYS the weakest one in the class, so I kn… https://t.co/97rY3f6ZIt @mishaone Exactly! "Stand on one leg" - um, what?Why does every workout program for "beginners" assume I can hold a plank for more than five seconds? Let's assume m… https://t.co/WnwUtsQFdtMany are concerned about their vote-by-mail ballot getting delayed by the USPS. In L.A., you're allowed to physical… https://t.co/UIcoV7zg83It is awesome to see so many hilarious Black women getting Emmy nominations today! @nicolebyer @ashleyn1colehttps://t.co/3XOIkap2VqIn just two weeks my memoir GRAND will be here. If you want a free advanced copy, the good folks over at @goodreadshttps://t.co/8qSC5MZxPPUpdate: I’m failing the test @chasemiddaugh It's if someone took "I'm My Own Grandpa" and made it a dark scifiI have spent the last hour examining a family tree of the show Dark, so I can comfortably watch season 3, like I'm cramming for a testCOVID Update July 26: We can virtually eliminate the virus any time we decide to. 1/
Retweeted by Sara Schaefer
7/28
2020
Today I'm doing two things. 1.) I'm getting in touch with my council member, @davidryu4u, and telling him to vote a… https://t.co/WcQrqrFQXC
Retweeted by Sara SchaeferIt’s always white men with last names like Cotton and Tobacco and Peanut with the worst opinions about slavery @alieward @CBSInnovationTV 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
7/27
2020
@valerie_tosi @heytherejeffro Truly adorable. Please sell me somethingI’m up thinking about the time a female writer in the writers room cracked a joke, and I tagged it. The other write… https://t.co/35OpMbC6rf
Retweeted by Sara SchaeferI filmed a one woman Boston movie tonight where I break up with a character played by Ben Affleck (not seen) as we… https://t.co/Qilzswux38
Retweeted by Sara SchaeferI got a shout out from The New York Times today alongside @GaelynnLea @lachimusic @ryanoconn @SFdirewolf & other am… https://t.co/liKAFqfZ1X
Retweeted by Sara Schaefer
7/26
2020
If you live in CA this only takes a minute to do. Add some personalization so they know you’re SERIOUS. We need cla… https://t.co/7Nwxr6PuFxJoin @ReformLAJails in supporting legislation to hold @lacountysheriff accountable! Go here: https://t.co/32kBmAievi
7/25
2020
when i see a tweet from a large verified account going around that is 100% factually incorrect, and half the commen… https://t.co/1KyzlPgchE @michaeljemmons1 @DangerBrooks there's a product called Sluggo Plus that is very effective. I used it sparingly and… https://t.co/ZrfLMoFBGI @DangerBrooks I HATE them!I would like to thank RVCA, Hilton, GoPro, TripAdvisor, Bedhead, Bose, VISA, Bombas, Travel Motus, Verizon, Callawa… https://t.co/AOORlWZT31Just so we're clear, the idea--stated explicitly by some and implicitly by others--that Black people "don't care" a… https://t.co/JCZIbvwocO
Retweeted by Sara Schaefer @computerality I had to google. Wow you’re right @pquade 😂 @Bexinpdx41 Perfect!App where you can match with others in your industry who hate the same person as you so you can talk shit with reckless abandon
7/24
2020
@notjimrose @goodreads that is THRILLING to hear! @menze_ Yes, we're doing a few events and some cool stuff. It will be a little different than what normally happens… https://t.co/r3FsFHDmgkmy book comes out in 19 days!!!!!Feeling small and conflicted and anxious today, but at least I grew this juicy tomato butt https://t.co/0Ns6t1zwJkWhoever filmed this needs to charge Super PACs big bucks when they try to use it in their attack adsVery funny, God https://t.co/ftcdQiWejO
7/23
2020
How many “Live, Laugh, Love” signs is too many? @saraschaefer1 https://t.co/IUXNWwIGgN https://t.co/tsiJddHquG
Retweeted by Sara Schaefer
7/22
2020
This was an absolute JOY to do! I love @Blacktress and @AndyBeckerman so much! https://t.co/232dSTKZMzhow do i get my book into @BreneBrown's hands? this isn't even a promotional thing. I just really want her to read… https://t.co/mxJekTAqT0
7/21
2020
@Txnmoxy @Dkrumfox yes. @RogerRabbitleg @SPeitsch @JanisIrwin Here's what you said: "Had you been wearing a mask 'to protect even just one… https://t.co/j4eHCU7AXj @RogerRabbitleg @SPeitsch @JanisIrwin Hey buddy, here I am wearing a mask during the last flu season to protect oth… https://t.co/cVJTbZlBHQ @notaprodigy1 I can continue in what vein? Respectfully responding to you? When someone disagrees with you it's "fo… https://t.co/rzjnUxbPuX @holacola10 I wish I could!I feel like we are living in a blue/gold dress argument but it’s over our entire reality @anylaurie16 I drove east from coast to coast, alone. It sucked but had its advantages. Had to fly back because of… https://t.co/ta0PFskyqP @anylaurie16 Four hours. Turbulence has subsided. But my vigilance has not. @Nomuscletone Me hangin from the wing of the planeThe turbulence on this flight is nuts. I swear to god if I die wearing this ridiculous get up... you all better sta… https://t.co/oqvMnq0ops @notaprodigy1 I also think that if you’re going to make a plea for nuance, starting the statement with hyperbole li… https://t.co/sds4CSGCsf
7/20
2020
@notaprodigy1 I was discussing a specific overlap of people. They do exist, and you know they do. They boggle my mi… https://t.co/RU4KYI1jbz @notaprodigy1 Good for you! @beanstalk_beans @stugatz3000 I literally just posted a pic of me wearing a mask during flu season. But your attemp… https://t.co/1QHtnncQvO
7/19
2020

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