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My 4 boys are my ❤️ Escaped my other twitter account to have more fun here! https://t.co/PnvvwkFvD7

7,199 Following   100,352 Followers   47,119 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/17/14


It’s so cute how my husband thinks we can share a suitcase for our trip. Step aside, guy. I’m about to test this airline’s weight limits.
10/17
2020
A fun thing about my husband making our travel arrangements is I say I want an early flight to come home & he makes… https://t.co/z2ifWogtVF
10/13
2020
Men & women can be so different. For instance, when I have a headache, I take 2 Motrin & carry on with my day. Wh… https://t.co/eixfsGm259Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyIf your food blog requires me to read more than 2 sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyPeople spreading bizarre conspiracy theories: Are actual current events not bizarre enough to please you?
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyMy husband pissed me off. I hope he enjoys looking for the remote that's hidden in my purse.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyI recently noticed that drinking alcohol at night was ruining my sleep, so now I only day drink.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyWhen you're a parent things can go from chilling on the couch to complete chaos in seconds.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyWho needs a gym membership when you can get a full workout walking on eggshells around your moody 4yo.
Retweeted by Sarcastic Mommy11: wanna see the best YouTube video you’ll probably ever see in your entire life? Narrator: she didn’t and it wasn’t
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10/11
2020
My husband & I have had separate bank accounts for 24 years. Today we had to open a joint business account. This will be the end.There is nothing more satisfying than driving my husband’s car, his baby, while he is sitting passenger, & watchin… https://t.co/iS7198N15x
10/10
2020
How many different masks do people need for the pandemic? Men - 2 Women - 57 (to match various outfits)
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyConfession: I tried sugar-free barbecue sauce. Please forgive this momentary lapse in judgement.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyThe worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyIf you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyMy New Year’s resolution this year was to stop drinking when going out and only drink at home. That worked out well.
Retweeted by Sarcastic Mommy @Parkerlawyer Yes! Move to California! We can be champagne BFF’s! 🥂🥂Beer before liquor, never been sicker, wine before soccer, ok this is actually somewhat tolerable.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyMy husband is out wining & dining clients in LA & I'm at home making a tough decision of pairing beer or wine with my Dino nuggets.
10/9
2020
Came home to two deliveries on my doorstep: one was chocolate & one was vodka. This is hands down the best day of 2020.Kamala Harris really be acting like Maya Rudolph.I'm not saying I'm a domestic goddess but I just finished the laundry & a bottle of wine at the exact same time.
10/8
2020
Normalize teaching your kids to be respectful.Thoughts & prayers for my son who can’t find his other AirPod.
10/7
2020
Being a wife is really no different than being a mother. No one is ever listening & they both lead to alcohol consumption. @sarahmboivin @Parkerlawyer 😂🤣😂
10/6
2020
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?I can forgive a lot of things but leaving a water bottle so it rolls around on the floor of my car is not one of them
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10/4
2020
My son started unloading the dishwasher without being asked & I've never been more confused in my whole life.
10/2
2020
*texting my son* Me: Happy 1st day of 18th grade! 🤗 Him: BLOCKED
10/1
2020
@parsaver1476 😂😂🤣 @KleinToddR Yes! I had to go make myself busy. It was too much. @lhsmommy2009 YES!! 🤣 @jennifersterger @Tw1tter_K1tten Nope! @JamesKortney Haha!!The country needs a gigantic Xanax to watch this debate.
9/30
2020
@FatherWithTwins 🤣🤣🤣My husband was being overly helpful, asking if there was anything I needed him to do. So sweet, right? Come to fin… https://t.co/wEPeiNP5IoI love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & I al… https://t.co/Ntl2nJfTjLSomehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don't know the last time I was this happy.
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9/27
2020
My kids don't always fall asleep in the car, but when they do it's just as we're pulling up at our destination.
Retweeted by Sarcastic Mommy @LeFruitcake9872 @GreenDay Yeah, it’s more that they keep talking so you have to keep stopping to listen to them.Having kids means you'll never be able to drive & sing along to your favorite song ever again.One key to keeping a tidy home is to make sure every item has its own place. For instance, if my son is looking for… https://t.co/Lb8tY7yMlu
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyReally good football today so my husband is bringing in tvs from every room and putting them all over our den so no… https://t.co/VtNB00UKyD
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9/26
2020
Husband: Let’s do something different & fun! Me: *leaves him with the arguing kids while I go shopping*
9/25
2020
Being a parent is saying, “Life will be so much easier once this stage is over!” only for that stage to be followed… https://t.co/ucfYYEMwjqThem: "You're so funny!" Me: "Thanks, I had a dysfunctional childhood."
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyAside from being exhausted, stressed, & my left eye permanently twitching I think helping my kids with distance le… https://t.co/jxtdfoAXHa
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyA recent study showed people who drink at least 9 alcoholic beverages a week are more likely to suffer from memory… https://t.co/wetCMGpklI
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyTwitter is funny because people won’t retweet a tweet with a typo in it but porn on their timeline is fine.
9/24
2020
Being married is just fighting over the ceiling fan speed. I like a light breeze. My husband prefers an F4 tornado.
9/23
2020
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyMy husband used a stud finder without making a joke about it. Is that allowed? ... Is this a symptom of the rona?
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9/22
2020
I’m done. Fuck everything. I’m making cupcakes.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyTook my son to the eye doctor & was asked how much screen time I allow. Are you kidding me? It’s 2020. There’s your answer.
9/21
2020
What's the anniversary gift for 17 years? Is it nothing? Please say it's nothing.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyYou wanna be her hero, bruh? - do the laundry - fold the clothes - make dinner - do the dishes - take the kids to… https://t.co/vQpuNgZu8a
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyI have nothing in common with people who like to get up early & exercise because “it’s a great way to start the day… https://t.co/DhmewYiad3
9/20
2020
“I’M UNSUBSCRIBING FROM YOUR YOUTUBE CHANNEL!” ~ How my kids argueMe: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds. Him: That’d be good. Me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’D BE GOOD? Him: ... Me: *rage opens Oreos* @ziggysmith1415 Right?! 😂 @jej_jr @Parkerlawyer 🤣🤣🤣
9/19
2020
I’ve been on a diet for like 3 hours & my husband has the audacity to say I don’t look any different.My son locked his keys in the car & instead of calling AAA & having them unlock it, my husband is trying to find a… https://t.co/cKmY6AXQHu
9/18
2020
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds fr… https://t.co/DUSKpJ6Qeu
9/17
2020
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyBefore I hung up the phone with my ex-husband, I said “love you, bye.” Don’t tell me you’ve had a bad day.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyHave kids so instead of celebrating your wedding anniversary with a romantic weekend away at a luxury hotel you can… https://t.co/NovuOO6n1g
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyIf any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyKid: We need to go to the grocery store. Me: We have plenty to eat. Croutons, ketchup, onion, McDonald’s barbecue… https://t.co/5RmjSofRYI
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyI don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyIf you like a cheering section for your bathroom trips then parenting is right for you!
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyOnce I figure out 2nd grade math it’s over for you bitches.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyMoms: We are drowning. Help. Everyone: Wow you’re superhuman! Moms: What? No. Can you just hel— Everyone: I don’… https://t.co/bPvEuMJ444
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyMe: *wakes up extra early so I can get some things done without the kids* My kids: Ooh, what’re we doing up?
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyOnce you have kids who can drive & go to the store for you, that’s when the 2nd part of your life really begins.*son brings out Math book* Him: Mom, can you h— Me: No.
9/16
2020
Other moms: I’ve created a well-lit, organized space for my child to distance learn. Me: That’s cool. I wake my… https://t.co/9JSwAgtWNT
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommySometimes I wonder if my kids think there’s a reward for who can keep stacking the kitchen trash without making it fall.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyAfter being sad about our eldest son moving out, my husband said, “We can always have another one!” So, anyway,… https://t.co/1iUrGRH5hF
9/15
2020
@sheetal_sakpal @MommySatirical 🤣🤣 @MrHannibaIecter @UKWildcatgal 🤣🤣🤣
9/14
2020
Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.Marriage is just listening to your husband say, “I can totally do that,” while watching home improvement shows.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyIn bed with my husband and he just used the phrases, “so soft” “absolutely amazing” and “smooth as silk.” And he’s… https://t.co/c9vhTvdezv
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommySo the husband and I had a minor disagreement during the day and I was really, really pissy about it. He came home… https://t.co/fxxVvjd0dT
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyMy son’s teacher set up small groups for the kids in his virtual class to get in google meets during lunch like the… https://t.co/D61JI5dYJn
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyWelcome to your fifties. Napping has pulled up even with drinking on your list of favorite activities.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyLadies, don’t think men have a low tolerance for pain just because you have a low tolerance for men in pain.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyThe game “Chutes and Ladders” should be called “Slides and Ladders.” There, I said it.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyThe easiest compliment to make is telling someone they’re not that old when they’re younger than you are.
Retweeted by Sarcastic MommyMy tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kit… https://t.co/NyrJSgqWFx
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9/13
2020
Just spent 10 minutes frantically digging through my purse looking for my keys with one hand while holding said key… https://t.co/GWdk0RnFPkWelcome to parenthood. Hope you like hearing “THERE’S NOTHING TO EAT!” right after you spent your life savings at the grocery store.
9/12
2020
Sorry, can’t. I’m busy deleting the 800 emails Old Navy sent me this morning.
9/11
2020
I like to put a lot of time & effort into trying new dinner recipes for my family & they like to thank me by saying… https://t.co/QwRczxqy9n
9/9
2020
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
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9/8
2020

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