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Shade 5 🎬 @Shade510 New York, NY

You gonna finish that? https://t.co/MQx9NV4yHd

14,758 Following   25,998 Followers   229,863 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/7/17


Legends aren’t born they’re made. (Stays in bed all day)
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬“Thanks suckas!” -Apple
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Husband: So we’re that couple that sits around staring at our phones? Me: Yeah, sure. I could eat.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬 @noneofyours99 https://t.co/aU4DQ3MRTPGetting my vagina pierced at the mall
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Can I be the antagonist in your smut novel?Bon Jovi's, Livin' on a Prayer I thought Gina wanted to die of old age. Turns out she just works the diner all day. Who knew?
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Be careful, she's rough around the edges and has been known to make some bleed.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I get it, singers. I sound better when I cover one ear too.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I'm CVS used to give me a normal length receipt years old
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Oh, so that's why he didn't have his coat. https://t.co/o0zArP3OE9
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬There's no way the term vasectomy was coined by a dad. Because if a dad was in charge of naming it, you just know m… https://t.co/s7zHlhsTnL
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I do tweet a lot of humor for a human who doesn’t feel funny.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬luxuriously emaciated is my goal weight
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬maybe you’ve been loved. liked. lusted after. but have you ever been truly understood?
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬[Dating] Her: [laughs] you're such a DORK! [Marriage] Her: [sighs] you're such an IDIOT.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬My cleaning wipes from Wish came today. https://t.co/IrAztXErV9
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Ok. I haven't been in a DM room in a while and I don't want to start another one again. Anybody got a room that's f… https://t.co/7cvCMW3LMJ
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Me: Puts heart in a box for safe keeping Heart: Eww, there's a dick in here Me: Sorry, wrong box
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬This coffee tastes like I'm gonna die alone and an ancient mesopotamian demon god will claim the husk to anchor it'… https://t.co/qonGV0BAlA
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Me: *writing erotica* How do you spell ‘wang?’ Her: That’s the third time you’ve asked me that
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Most people don't know that the song Poker Face is about narwhals and unicorns.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Me, writing a love letter: Everything we do is incest, because you're a part of me.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬You can find inspiration for a tweet anywhere, dill weed.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I was told I need a prescription for Noassatalls one time. My ass is the cookie sheet of asses.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I was once the lead singer of a girl group. It was me and my reflections from a 3 way mirror. We were so good.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Once when I was a child my family rented a little beach house in the summer. I awoke one night to the sounds of dum… https://t.co/jLS34h6r0f
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Narwhals are just swim team unicorns.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬i did not foresee myself becoming a canned soup hoarder but i need campbell’s golden mushroom more than i need dignity
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬General: The fate of humanity rests in your hands Me: *picks my nose*
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Kind of terrified of you, kind of want to bend you over a table and destroy you. Oh the dichotomy.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Your fart fan sounds like an airplane. Upgrade that shit, cheap ass motherfucker.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I wonder if any of us who claimed that we might fuck around and do things, actually did them.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Spends first day in office just rapidly pressing ctrl+z
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Fell in the shower, emptied a whole can of shaving cream by continuously pressing the top while trying to get mysel… https://t.co/xIT4W1AEu8
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Wednesday in the Park with Bernie https://t.co/ohaZrok9zV
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS for someone to fact check my jokes after I tweet them. Skills required: Must be humorless pedant.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬instead of calling them pregnancy tests we should call them erection results
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬How do you know if your cat is deaf?
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Pretty lame that The Fray’s “How To Save A Life” included neither CPR nor Heimlich maneuver instructions
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬My wife told me I wasn't as smart as I think I am. Obviously she has never seen my twitter handle
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Most of the discussions about my athletic prowess focus on the multitude of ways that I managed to embarrass myself
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I didn't realize Bernie audited Top Gun classes. https://t.co/gUo6ypEDtm
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬A project giving coral new places to grow by submerging horse bones: Reef Me A Roan
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬 @elonmusk Farts in a bag
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I was listening to the first Biden administration press conference on my ride home from work, and I swear to God, j… https://t.co/qVOlURTXoa
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off. https://t.co/Khd1F5KR9i
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬she’ll wrap you in sunrise like you’re some kind of magic
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Reckon my wreckin’ will be my reckonin’?
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬my first sip of coffee sweetened only by the drops of you left on my lips
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬being loved by you unlocks all of the doubt, reminds me, the suffering of the past was worth it.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬i get locked in the inky depths, begrimed and fragmented, hearing only the strain on the threads.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬My new sanitizer smells like vodka and I'm having flashbacks to high school
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬locked fears in the silent screams coursing through his veins.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬 @AuthorStew The moon calls her mistress. But she belongs to me. She beckons me to her side. So I go, because I am hers And she is mine.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬In the darkest part of my soul resides a spiral staircase. It offers a way out of the dark, though it is seldom used. #SensualScribbles
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Follow me into infinite time where the boundaries fall away, We can read and talk, laugh and fuck all while the music plays
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬You voice, like honey, glides over my body, to the places only you’ve seen.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬you are never far from my thoughts
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Mmmm, your lips on mine. What a pretty pair they’d make.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬every beautiful human i know wears a scar that tells the most beautiful story of survival
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬It’s the memory Of your touch That keeps me sated. #vss365 #vsspoem #poem #poetry #poetrycommunity #poethttps://t.co/exOj0vl8YX
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬BroTip™ If a short woman tells you “I’m not happy”. Never reply "So which one are you then? Grumpy? Bashful? Doc? Sneezy?”
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Hurtful words don't bother me The reasons why people say them do
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Be inspired by them To become even better than them
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬2021 already the year of the reply guy holy fuck
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬guys will be washing their hair with any old bullshit shampoo from the dollar store & wondering why the hairline re… https://t.co/Us2LYvvE2Y
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Micro Magic milkshakes though
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Indiana Jones and the Temple of Days that Never End
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Yesterday I felt young and hip for my age and then today I had to do this https://t.co/bltnGF18V2
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Learn to be a whole shit, not just a piece of it.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬You wouldn't be lost in your thoughts if you visited them more often.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬You know that you lost in the game of marriage when the silent treatment stops being a punishment and becomes a reward.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Marijuana is short for mar-I-just-lost-track-of-three-hours-juana.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Friend: Remember that scene in Benji when the dog is lost... Me: *just sobbing inconsolably*
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬When I sleep too long on a Saturday, it feels like my whole weekend is lost. Just like that black lace bra and Budw… https://t.co/cf6ySULGtU
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬friend: *offering me a snack* me: no thanks, hated peanuts ever since I lost my girl to one f: anaphylactic shock… https://t.co/54bTIOnQkI
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Not all who wander into the woods to scream are lost.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I'm still seizing a day from 1998.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I accidentally bought a vibrator that needs batteries. Like a savage.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬'Tis better to have ‘tised and lost than never to have ‘tised at all.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Nine times out of ten I've already lost count.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬The worst decisions release the best dopamine.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.*In Paris McDonald’s* Me: Can I get a....Royale with Cheese? *Clerk hands me a Quarter Pounder with Cheese* Me, whispering: Holy shit.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Whispers are just very tired screams.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Yeah, I'm a soccer mom but I'm a cool soccer mom. -she whispers to herself as she pours another White Claw into her Hydro Flask
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Husband: how come we don't ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids? Me: that's not true Husband… https://t.co/rJwR0ixXEd
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬“Your zipper is down” she whispered as she reached over to close my body bag.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear. - I whisper to myself as I add another filter to this selfie
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬*looks around* What? No bar? Ma'am this is a funeral. *whispers* what? no bar?
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬It's not about who follows and who's followed. It's about fellowship. And, sexual innuendo.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬*presses my fingers to your lips* *leans in and whispers* Fuck. You.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬"Don't worry my love, I'll breathe for the both of us" I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬"This is my playground," I whisper as I enter the cheese shop.
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Me, bewildered: "What is this odd thingy?" H: It's called a wine stopper. Me, whisper cries: "Why would anyone want to stop the wine?"
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬Getting steamy in bed He kisses my neck Tells me he loves my scent "It's my wrinkle cream" I moan
Retweeted by Shade 5 🎬
1/22
2021

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