Soulmate is a friend who will talk to you for hours over a stupid plot twist.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Fool me once shame on you fool me 257 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍One time I thought I saw Rod Stewart at a Pizza Hut but it was just a mop.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍When all the other noise finally goes quiet, your screams are the only sounds I want to hear.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I wish you were here, but only for breakfast and dirty morning sex; then you can leave
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍i can't give you my heart but here's my voodoo doll.Doc said I should at least have something to eat with my coffee in the morning, so now I have a handful of Adderall with it.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Let’s just tap a keg and crank up some tunes.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍capitolcha test: select the one image with security to verify you're starting a coup
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍All this for a guy who told you to drink bleach
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍“Where’s your homework, Lacey?”
“You’re not gonna believe this...”
“Try me.”
“It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Go on.”…
https://t.co/mXuPExQcrc Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I wish there were as many brains in politics as there are boobs in fleets.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍angel: I've invented ‘democracy’
God: how does it work?
angel: I dunno, I'll let them figure that out
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍DEMOcracy? I’m waiting for the full LP to drop
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Voice-to-text changed “breakfast” to “sex fest” and I’m actually torn about which one to go with.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Be the reason someone else believes in all the good things again.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Feelings care little about facts
Facts give no fucks for feelings
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Excuse me ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to lower your eyebrows please.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍*lowers monocle
Burn this picture. It only contains 999 words.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Wow!
I’m a bitch this morning.
For your own good...
Do. Not. Engage.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I’ll be having cereal and my early morning cartoons please!
https://t.co/BqmOSPK5UQ Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Friend: what I’m about to tell you, no one in their right mind would believe it
Me: I’m your man, then
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Grab your forks folks this might get messy
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍be matured. don't run after turning off the lights
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍98% of all tweets are just someone else’s re-worded words.
Read that again.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍bro, if run out of topic but you wanna make your convo going, disagree with her.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍You need to see a psychiatrist if you hate ppl for no reason. Give me his contact number too.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍You can supercalifuckilistickissmyassadocious.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍This day in history. 1997. Festa del Tricolore commemorates the creation of the Italian flag with its three colours…
https://t.co/onvVJGIyp4 Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍'We mock what we don't understand...'
~Me, home schooling
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍They’re all rhetorical questions when you’re antisocial.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍i hope you find hope and healing for your heart today
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍So far the sequel to 2020 sucks.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Follow the funny
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍chris: dad I’m so excited I got the best job
me: jesus christopher not in front of your mother
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted logging on.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍my basement could be your happy place
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Bro how do some people get over feelings just like that with a flip off a switch?
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍We need a Disney princess that wears yoga pants and just orders Uber eats all day
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍The irony is that sometimes we heal, by being someone else's cure.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I wish I was as motivated to sort my life out during the day as I am when I'm lying awake at night.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Trump: Quick I need a social platform! Any suggestions?
Adviser, sniggering: Theres this one app.. Its called G.R.I.N.D.R
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Tea leaves just love predicting horrible ways you can die.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍If you give a man a milkshake he has a milkshake.
Teach a man to make a milkshake and he has diabetes
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍9 finally ran out of things to say, but rather than shut up for 5 minutes she just calmly picked up ‘999 Recipes of…
https://t.co/M6Wh1ijKA1 Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Get you a girl with small hands
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍If you are ok with what’s going on in Washington D.C., but had a problem with the protests going on this summer, yo…
https://t.co/6AqArpM2TG Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Robber: Hand over the loot!
Me: Never!
https://t.co/9zckv6OYNl Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍“For the record, it was a fig. But the apple rumor was already in motion and I just figured everything is relative,…
https://t.co/5WbpUm2wPW Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Me: I'm worried 2020 isn't gone & will come back. Like Voldemort.
Them: You gotta think positive!
Me: Ok....I'm…
https://t.co/VLZ642Zoyk Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Hell is a never ending stream of reply all responses to an email that you didn’t send and don’t give a shit about.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍This day in history. 1358. Beguine mystic Gertrude van der Oosten died. She was known for receiving the Stigmata an…
https://t.co/kE1mHwn8is Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Sometimes I wonder if Canadians apologize so much because they gave us Caillou AND Ted Cruz.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍If you wanna know me and my demeanor as an adult, watch Bugs Bunny
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍FedEx and TEDx should join forces to become Feed Ted's Ex.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Just because someone tweets about sex, it doesn’t automatically make them sexy. I know this because I tweet ‘jokes’…
https://t.co/SNmhK2mEho Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍To white individuals who say they've experienced racism, let me 1st say I'm sorry for that experience. BUT let's be…
https://t.co/A69GjM5G4S Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍So is it really storming the Capitol if the people "storming" don't really meet any kind of resistance?
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍
