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👽🗯️creator. Follow me, I guess. Tweets in link ⤵️

2,304 Following   4,682 Followers   75,776 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/12/10

Stupidity is the new wisdom.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍The secret to expression is to tweet good.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍not enough people are being throat punched and it shows
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍My mom called from the grocery store to tell me about the sale price on tuna, so don't tell me 2021 isn't off to a raging start
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Gone are the days of passing a joint through a crowd of people you've never even spoken to before
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I wanted a lap dance, but I got stood up
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they are not.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Yeah, he might look kinda cool, but you just know that trunk is full of Bud Light, and he’s at least six months beh…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍“No, no, please, take a picture first, it’s fine, I’ll wait. Be sure to pick a heckin cool filter, you monster.”
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍If she blocks, unblocks, blocks, unblocks you, wife that psycho cuz she really loves you
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍wife: do you think maybe we’ve put on a bit of quarantine weight? me: nah, i don’t think so my pants:
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍it’s hard trying to do hot girl shit when you’re busy doing weird and awkward girl shit
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Honestly at this point idgaf if the vaccine makes me grow gills
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Staying with my parents, Vol. 2, pt 3: My father has taught the children the terms “shart” and “fart pajamas” and…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Me: I finally let go of my baggage. Self checkout: Please remove items from bagging area. Me: This is a terrible therapy session.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I sure hope no one autocorrects inside of me. I would be so ducked.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍All you have to say to that special someone is that you miss them; if they didn’t miss you then you have a problem
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I’m “why am I talking to these people I barely know” years old
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Friend: Those were the days Me: Yes, they were days
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Hi, yes, I started the diet and the workouts yesterday. Please tell me when I will start seeing results *wrong answers only
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍My neighbor and I were chatting about my son maybe tutoring her nephew in math, politics, covid, and then Bath and…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍My inner clock is that of a 1000 year old vampire
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I love your account! You are hilarious! Well, until you stop retweeting me of course.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Me: oh look a mockingbird Mocking bird: oH lOoK a MoCkInG bIrD
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Burning love letters to warm a cold heart
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍What the fuck is this crazy conspiracy bitch thinking?
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Uppercase commas are impostrophes
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Put my phone on airplane mode and it didn't take me anywhere, disappointing
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Ask and you shall usually not receive.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍A combined candy store & Marijuana dispensary called ‘Sugar High’
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍When the pinned Tweet is a pic of a dog I hope it's not because the dog died.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I laughed and shot milk out of my nose. It was like I was smelling Satan's asshole all week. Anyway, thought of you...
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I'll save my butthole for my second marriage thanks!
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I need a bottle of anything and a glazed go!!!
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍If you want him to eat it, wrap it in bacon
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Hate fuck me while I eat pineapple pizza
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Yes, I gas myself the funk up.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍One shot of tequila for me, and two shots tossed out the back door.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I'm feeling poetic. *jumps off bridge*
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍
Soulmate is a friend who will talk to you for hours over a stupid plot twist.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Fool me once shame on you fool me 257 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍One time I thought I saw Rod Stewart at a Pizza Hut but it was just a mop.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍When all the other noise finally goes quiet, your screams are the only sounds I want to hear.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I wish you were here, but only for breakfast and dirty morning sex; then you can leave
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍i can't give you my heart but here's my voodoo doll.Doc said I should at least have something to eat with my coffee in the morning, so now I have a handful of Adderall with it.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Let’s just tap a keg and crank up some tunes.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍capitolcha test: select the one image with security to verify you're starting a coup
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍All this for a guy who told you to drink bleach
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍“Where’s your homework, Lacey?” “You’re not gonna believe this...” “Try me.” “It’s kind of embarrassing.” “Go on.”…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I wish there were as many brains in politics as there are boobs in fleets.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍angel: I've invented ‘democracy’ God: how does it work? angel: I dunno, I'll let them figure that out
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍DEMOcracy? I’m waiting for the full LP to drop
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Voice-to-text changed “breakfast” to “sex fest” and I’m actually torn about which one to go with.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Be the reason someone else believes in all the good things again.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Feelings care little about facts Facts give no fucks for feelings
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Excuse me ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to lower your eyebrows please.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍*lowers monocle Burn this picture. It only contains 999 words.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Wow! I’m a bitch this morning. For your own good... Do. Not. Engage.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I’ll be having cereal and my early morning cartoons please!
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Friend: what I’m about to tell you, no one in their right mind would believe it Me: I’m your man, then
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Grab your forks folks this might get messy
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍be matured. don't run after turning off the lights
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍98% of all tweets are just someone else’s re-worded words. Read that again.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍bro, if run out of topic but you wanna make your convo going, disagree with her.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍You need to see a psychiatrist if you hate ppl for no reason. Give me his contact number too.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍You can supercalifuckilistickissmyassadocious.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍This day in history. 1997. Festa del Tricolore commemorates the creation of the Italian flag with its three colours…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍'We mock what we don't understand...' ~Me, home schooling
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍They’re all rhetorical questions when you’re antisocial.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍i hope you find hope and healing for your heart today
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍So far the sequel to 2020 sucks.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Follow the funny
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍chris: dad I’m so excited I got the best job me: jesus christopher not in front of your mother
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted logging on.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍my basement could be your happy place
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Bro how do some people get over feelings just like that with a flip off a switch?
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍We need a Disney princess that wears yoga pants and just orders Uber eats all day
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍The irony is that sometimes we heal, by being someone else's cure.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍I wish I was as motivated to sort my life out during the day as I am when I'm lying awake at night.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Trump: Quick I need a social platform! Any suggestions? Adviser, sniggering: Theres this one app.. Its called G.R.I.N.D.R
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Tea leaves just love predicting horrible ways you can die.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍If you give a man a milkshake he has a milkshake. Teach a man to make a milkshake and he has diabetes
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍9 finally ran out of things to say, but rather than shut up for 5 minutes she just calmly picked up ‘999 Recipes of…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Get you a girl with small hands
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍If you are ok with what’s going on in Washington D.C., but had a problem with the protests going on this summer, yo…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Robber: Hand over the loot! Me: Never!
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍“For the record, it was a fig. But the apple rumor was already in motion and I just figured everything is relative,…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Me: I'm worried 2020 isn't gone & will come back. Like Voldemort. Them: You gotta think positive! Me: Ok....I'm…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Hell is a never ending stream of reply all responses to an email that you didn’t send and don’t give a shit about.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍This day in history. 1358. Beguine mystic Gertrude van der Oosten died. She was known for receiving the Stigmata an…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Sometimes I wonder if Canadians apologize so much because they gave us Caillou AND Ted Cruz.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍If you wanna know me and my demeanor as an adult, watch Bugs Bunny
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍FedEx and TEDx should join forces to become Feed Ted's Ex.
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍Just because someone tweets about sex, it doesn’t automatically make them sexy. I know this because I tweet ‘jokes’…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍To white individuals who say they've experienced racism, let me 1st say I'm sorry for that experience. BUT let's be…
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍So is it really storming the Capitol if the people "storming" don't really meet any kind of resistance?
Retweeted by ☯️ TJ 🌍