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@ComedyCentral's home for stand-up specials & series.

537 Following   82,471 Followers   18,774 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/10/08


Learn something new about yourself every day. @ItsJakKnight https://t.co/VEaW0sOzJx https://t.co/hAuNl6P3uOIt’s hard to make small talk with a fellow Arab when the Middle East is constantly so fucked up. @Ismaelian https://t.co/QUhVoNK7n9Tonight on @ComedyCentral 11pm. Special Thank you to @billburr & @allthingscomedy Also my Dad for the material. https://t.co/6LvYzLgNji
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1/25
2020
Weed addictions may not involve fighting cops, but they might involve Parmesan cheese. @imandyhaynes https://t.co/Nq5mc6XsQx @ejkerrigan Catch @ejkerrigan on an all-new episode of The Ringers, tonight at 11/10c.Some tattoos just don’t age well. @ejkerrigan https://t.co/BNPuw4IutN
1/24
2020
You don’t need to clean yourself to impress @ItsJakKnight https://t.co/8Ws1NQQpA4
1/23
2020
You’ll never forget the one that got away. 🎤: Michael Rowland https://t.co/vSWpmHnCmRI’m finally 100% sure they didn’t cut me from the episode!! https://t.co/K5m8DXExtM
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-Up @LukeDoesStuff Catch @LukeDoesStuff on an all-new episode of The Ringers, Friday at 11/10c.Long-distance relationships are hard enough without having to compete with a sex toy. @LukeDoesStuff https://t.co/G1s6lygtowStop making hotel soaps so damn small. @unfoRETTAble https://t.co/bFj93wrB2s
1/22
2020
Teenage @KiryShabazz was not ready for sex ed. https://t.co/fPmcFM6XV1Always pray with a tinfoil hat on. 🎤: Michael Rowland https://t.co/PB4rqwLTqBMe talking with @billburr about the time I met OJ Simpson and Mitch Hedberg, at the same time. https://t.co/nrAwmVUX51
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1/21
2020
Not every cervix has what it takes to hit the big time. @jennyzigrino https://t.co/qkJDQcoy8U https://t.co/3j3bcqtsq3 @Ismaelian Catch @Ismaelian on an all-new episode of The Ringers, Friday at 11/10c.“Don’t go to the internet with your Muslim-related questions. Go to a Muslim.” @Ismaelian https://t.co/jXiNjys9z9Does anyone know how to put on perfume? @Gary_Valentine https://t.co/LRImZFQA9C
1/20
2020
.@billburr chatted with a few up-and-coming comedians about their experiences in life and on the road, and oh, man,… https://t.co/4X9N3rUzkE
1/19
2020
Who doesn't greet their friend with a hearty "Hobbit"? @poregan https://t.co/QXL8NQoYkd https://t.co/TdjcCY6KCbIt’s hard to care about a sex ed assembly when the presenter is hot AF. @KiryShabazz https://t.co/XfjbG0ZLw2Tonight! https://t.co/Pgpc8Qt8yl
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpIt's possible to call home too much -- even from prison. Catch @KiryShabazz's full set on @billburr Presents: The R… https://t.co/OZytHzKxhT
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1/18
2020
If you want to impress @funnylynne, your dick pics need a little more razzle-dazzle. https://t.co/AZGPxa0BJpEmbrace the hate! https://t.co/R0KmPrlLqy
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-Up.@RickIngraham is just grateful he's not from Mississippi. Catch Rick on an all-new episode of The Ringers, tonight… https://t.co/cVOolV4Iom
1/17
2020
Tomorrow night! The Ringers airs on Comedy Central at 11pm https://t.co/EyD52xpAbh
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpThere’s a reason sexual slang exists. @mondaypunday https://t.co/6D3CC14R82If you’re going to have sex, make sure your name is hot enough to scream in bed. @poregan https://t.co/aijluu1MGcWho says white people don't have their own identity? @rosebudbaker https://t.co/g5gvySjAMp
1/16
2020
Jesus has to catch up to today's influencer game. @jfishercomedy https://t.co/1Oygl9aAznLast chance to sit in the audience for my @ComedyCentral @standup One Hour Special! This Friday @NewYorkComedy. Pro… https://t.co/lu4T08GHIc
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-Up @TheJFHarris Catch @TheJFHarris on an all-new episode of The Ringers, Friday at 11/10c.Please don’t hurt @TheJFHarris. https://t.co/ptJ4YEwj3bHere’s a simple way to turn meat eaters into vegetarians. @ihatejoelkim https://t.co/Yl3fDvZCht
1/15
2020
The penis game is beautiful in its own way. @jfishercomedy https://t.co/uyLOn8qVoTFull set from last night- retweet if you’re inclined! https://t.co/wlxCrB5Ezn
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpThis is awesome https://t.co/cFkshhbkGB
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-Up @standup Update 1/13/20: have received 0 dick pics in my twitter DMs. have gotten a few on IG and FB.
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1/14
2020
Greatest night of my life https://t.co/k4qlY2IsZM
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-Up.@jennyzigrino watched a bunch of rich people get squirted on. https://t.co/nndSgSRMyb @KiryShabazz Catch @KiryShabazz on an all-new episode of The Ringers, Friday at 11/10c..@KiryShabazz can’t come to the phone right now. https://t.co/DRGzwTXOw1
1/13
2020
Attention, English majors: Michael Che can teach you English for free. https://t.co/6SvgQ05siL.@billburr goes deep with @rosebudbaker, @JordyPloy and @JoshAdamMeyers in their extended interviews for The Ringer… https://t.co/YVQFhWXirf
1/12
2020
Looking for a dog walker? @caseyJsalengo is now available. https://t.co/rvJrsBXwVbIf your grandpa was Secretary of State under George Bush Sr., you’d have a lot to say about it too. @rosebudbaker https://t.co/SUGf7KzHH8TONIGHT! https://t.co/6ubp9vOkfpBill Burr presents The Ringers. Tonight at 11pm on @ComedyCentral @JordyPloy @allthingscomedy https://t.co/cPHglOnbBE
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpBill Burr presents The Ringers. Tonight at 11pm on @ComedyCentral @allthingscomedy @JoshAdamMeyers https://t.co/g322V8VJZq
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpBill Burr presents The Ringers. Tonight at 11pm on @ComedyCentral @rosebudbaker @allthingscomedy https://t.co/JNcuqJa8mh
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1/11
2020
.@billburr Presents The Ringers tonight and every Friday on @ComedyCentral Episode 1 features @JordyPloyhttps://t.co/LvYg8F9fND
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-Up‘This Week At The Comedy Cellar’ Renewed For Season 3 By Comedy Central https://t.co/7pDQ8t83Cf https://t.co/kUjvAoJ3IQ
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpComedy Central Renews This Week at the Comedy Cellar for a Third Season | Premieres Friday, February 21 at 11pm ET/… https://t.co/3AI7jT6wj9
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpWould you have sex with someone who looks exactly like you? @robertkelly https://t.co/sFVW1zdPWV.@jordyploy wasn’t just trippin’. Don't miss The Ringers premiere tonight at 11/10c. https://t.co/mmJpF6IvtT
1/10
2020
From writing to acting to directing, Buck Henry revolutionized how and why we laugh. He will be missed. https://t.co/Ttxn8YaZUy
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpStop making fun of @juliothesquare! https://t.co/oi51ZnjLYX.@caseyJsalengo: “You should be high when you walk a dog. It’s cool!” https://t.co/wv4KWAPWIT
1/9
2020
.@nealbrennan: “The worst part of having a landlord is having to call the landlord ‘landlord.’” https://t.co/sGJQCOBDCD @JoshAdamMeyers Catch @JoshAdamMeyers on The Ringers, which premieres Friday at 11/10c.It's hard to be sexy with bad knees. @JoshAdamMeyers https://t.co/vrLfbiOQ5cIf you're trying to bill @noredavis through the mail, good luck with that. https://t.co/jkfuDFI9Jp https://t.co/p81bhsR9n6
1/8
2020
Math doesn’t teach kids anything but stress and anxiety. @noredavis https://t.co/UOsOdP5IOE
1/7
2020
@rosebudbaker Don't miss the first episode of The Ringers, which premieres January 10 at 11/10c.Does David Duke know he’s sending mixed messages? @rosebudbaker https://t.co/vjT0UKZuFaThis is why you should never name your spouse as your emergency contact. @SpankHorton https://t.co/PrW9Vvk5OiYou don’t have to be tanked to destroy a couple of golf carts. @rosebudbaker proves it. Catch her on The Ringers,… https://t.co/EaDP2XeDS2
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1/6
2020
Better than a really strong guy at least. For other non-turtleneck-related thoughts from Mitch Hedberg, check out h… https://t.co/BR5uGQCDWy
1/5
2020
Watching football isn’t great for your self-esteem. @natebargatze https://t.co/Gz9nhFyCAs
1/4
2020
Never approach your neighbors like this. @ryanoflan https://t.co/iDqQ4C0mZUAs much as you might hate getting dick pics, you’re just making @dulcesloan jealous. https://t.co/JdwlxQt1UD
1/3
2020
Meet the best of the new best on @billburr Presents: The Ringers, premiering January 10 at 11/10c. https://t.co/rG6C1XIHKzEven if your job sucks, chances are you don’t have to think about someone murdering you while you do it.… https://t.co/QCSy2dfQxhNo woman chooses to be in a bad mood. @WhitneyCummings https://t.co/zkjxbEidbj
1/2
2020
.@IAmJustNesh: “If you do have a relationship, and y’all happy, y’all vibing, keep that shit off Facebook.” https://t.co/vBnXulJIPV
1/1
2019
...the more they stay the same. 🎤: Greer Barnes https://t.co/3HS33Co6ijThe more things change... 🎤: Greer Barnes https://t.co/NbjSATRRIs
12/31
2019
Why trust Grindr for your hookups when you can use @dulcesloan? https://t.co/NeUOvsRzg9Pubes are the “eyebrow of the lower region.” Just ask @MaryLynnRajskub. https://t.co/J9YLNgAc61
12/30
2019
It’s a miracle @Jokoy isn’t dead. https://t.co/dIW6mZ0Z7yYour phone is a gateway drug. @natefernald https://t.co/ZSSvMqUojW https://t.co/16iMoLM6rs
12/29
2019
If you’re sober, please tell Sabrina Matthews what the hell you are doing at a Denny’s. https://t.co/QrzYqjhSydPSA: @sonideni does not go to your rival school. https://t.co/kP4I0yq9Ki https://t.co/4vdj77E6oW
12/28
2019
Bad parenting isn’t something you should be proud of. @raesanni https://t.co/GKBHyaYULb https://t.co/6ZH5XWVWut
12/27
2019
Are you a good person? Answer @natefernald’s questions to find out. https://t.co/5JHemSlLLY
12/26
2019
It's the thought that counts. https://t.co/NILjwAIXCI
Retweeted by Comedy Central Stand-UpThis year, do Christmas the “Home Alone 2” way: Rent a limo and eat an entire pizza by yourself. @mulaney https://t.co/Vj2WhxVXNS
12/25
2019
For anyone wrapping in a hurry, @DemetriMartin has a quick tip for you. https://t.co/PXpSzyFhor https://t.co/svrQOPd3VwPorn isn’t for everyone. @sonideni https://t.co/7sddJ4m1o7
12/24
2019
Take this holiday to remember just how sweet and innocent your family can be. @fortunefunny https://t.co/jKlKu8bWt4Don’t worry – you don’t have to drink to be unhappy. @ChrisThayerSays https://t.co/iqUFQLbryr.. https://t.co/UInatAhMSDHave you ever bought condoms so Amazon would think you’re cool? @emmyblotnick https://t.co/szDWhi37Ea
12/23
2019
Airport security, if you’re reading this, there is no need to be suspicious of the powder @hannibalburess is bringi… https://t.co/Jrv8IddSn6Are there any jokes that aren’t “comedic jokes”? @hannibalburess https://t.co/IS8BSlCg4v
12/22
2019
Never waste wrapping paper again with @DemetriMartin’s handy tip. https://t.co/PG7Afwnkx9
12/21
2019
TONIGHT! @michaelkosta performs at 8PM at Hollywood Improv. Get tickets: https://t.co/032QXHkJC7 https://t.co/FLXI2n1dcb
12/20
2019
Please, just leave @JCstandup in peace when he leaves the bathroom. https://t.co/TbPvDwCYTw https://t.co/w9CWxxwZjpThis is the only sex tip you really need. @ChrisThayerSays https://t.co/QSDtUPMXHs
12/19
2019

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