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I do writing, comedy, acting and science. I struggle.

735 Following   226 Followers   8,896 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/24/10


@mrmarksteel North Laine must be traversed in 1 particular direction otherwise it’s poisonous. Only Brightonions know the correct way. @realDonaldTrump Christ, you’re a cunt @SwearyJesus Cunts
6/1
2020
@HackerTDog Blimey Hacked, but early for such controversy. But squares, every time
5/31
2020
@BBCSpringwatch Hi, wondering what this spider is - index finger for size. Sure looked like it had some fangs. Foun… https://t.co/OUpr0RxpE1 @weddingpresent Brixton Academy. It will always be Brixton Academy to me. Seen many many great bands there including your good selves @HackerTDog Oxter B Cat. Hello there
5/30
2020
@weddingpresent Joiners in Southampton. Always splendidFucking unbelievable https://t.co/e42gnw3FDaIN YOUR HAND @caroldecker https://t.co/QtOlwBSCsf @quantick @erocdrahs Centaur is an anagram of “ear cunt”. No reason there, it just is
5/29
2020
@WhiteHouse @realDonaldTrump “Mummy, the naughty people used their inalienable right to free speech to say horrid t… https://t.co/UHq7u0VYkLIT’S COMPETITION TIME! This Lego Trooper has two tiny specks where the ink didn’t take. Rather than throw it away o… https://t.co/4IFwekTgkb
Retweeted by Steve Evans
5/28
2020
@Halfords_uk 2 of 2 He said he wouldn’t be bringing 40 helmets to me. Not really the attitude I look for in a shop.… https://t.co/EYfgX2ETpK @Halfords_uk 1 of 2. Hi, just queued at the Brighton store to buy a helmet for my daughter. Nothing there to indica… https://t.co/tgEE8fHHIlHuzzah. This just turned up. It seems to have opened on Pub Chicken Vindaloo @BootstrapCook. Off to the hob I go https://t.co/arpukivVCy
5/27
2020
@qikipedia Brilliant. I’ll be watching
5/26
2020
Never really liked DC. Always more of a Marvel man, really #dominiccummingsThere’s not one rule for you and another for me. There’s thousands for you and none for me #dominiccummimgsHas #dominiccummimgs locked himself in a fridge?
5/25
2020
Heads up, if anyone wants to borrow a kid to go visiting / on holiday / bomb up and down the motorway for laughs, d… https://t.co/1Apn4sjw5b
5/23
2020
@MasterchefAusUk Hi, any idea of a UK date for the current series? Cheers
5/22
2020
Have just realised the Spoonerism of @MattHancock is Hatt Mancock. It’s puerile and amuses me greatly #spoonerismhttps://t.co/PVkP8Lbc3D
5/21
2020
I’ve packed sandwiches, crisps, sausage rolls, water, fizzy pop, sun tan lotion and some crossword puzzles. No, I… https://t.co/H18TbdnDCm @ReeceShearsmith Yes. This is a good thing to do. Also, please write an intro as you did for Ghosts
5/20
2020
@fliceverett Ironically keeping us informed about who to blame for vast amounts of what’s wrong as opposed to the g… https://t.co/ffHWMyFX1l
5/17
2020
Q) What kind of person completes this placard, looks at it & thinks, “No one will take the piss out of this”? A) A… https://t.co/C2aCU8JCeT @corinhardy Not there yet. Can’t wait now. So far been freekin awesome @lawnmowerdeth I remember a sludge called swarfega from many a year ago. Green I think. Not edible. Worked on oily hands
5/16
2020
@BBC6Music This. Is. Brilliant. Watch out @underworldlive
5/15
2020
#savebbcfour @BBC Inform, educate and entertain. @BBCFOUR does this way more than any other channel there is. In eq… https://t.co/5iVPlau2QP @ArianeSherine Though that the DR in DR Congo meant Dr. I used to think, during the terrible conflicts, that he rea… https://t.co/o0ChZ0jvRa
5/14
2020
@maryannehobbs @BBC6Music Oh, spot on with @Skeelo_iWish just as I sit down for lunch. Impeccable timing 👍
5/13
2020
@XLarimeX He’s bonkers. There’s a one called King of Pain too which is equally nuts.
5/12
2020
@BBC6Music @CCfunkandsoul Not heard this in years. Thanks for the reminder. Have now downloaded JDJ @Coldcut that it’s on 👍
5/11
2020
@BBC6Music @cerysmatthews Hi, what was that last tune? Female rapper. It was awesome. Cheers @BBC6Music Ah, thanks chaps. Was cleaning my kitchen but @TheOfficialMBV is a fine excuse to sit down and finish my… https://t.co/UQsgxiQdiz @XLarimeX And the art is well worth waiting for 🤟
5/10
2020
Freakin’ awesome https://t.co/QiKgnOEOo1
5/9
2020
“Meine Kinder haben deutsche Pässe” https://t.co/2eMw4YbGJL @barneyfarmer I’ve got a French Poodle. I’m planning on letting the kids play ‘Firing Squad’ after elevensesIt’s lovely that we’re being encouraged to celebrate Victory in Europe mostly by mouths that spat anti European rhe… https://t.co/MKr9uwrAyl
5/8
2020
@fliceverett I expect @MattHancock would. You order washing powder and that’s ~1,000,000,000 items of shopping you got there
5/7
2020
More of this https://t.co/Nn7lWBzufD
5/6
2020
@AmericanWifeABC Ok, when’s it back on in the UK? Please say not long @BBC6Music @shaunwkeaveny Hi, missed the begin inv but how about Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock “It takes two”? Don’t oft… https://t.co/7CQJM6F2h5This is back. Somehow https://t.co/XION202PbU @bechillcomedian Sure you are, you create. That’s what it’s all about, I reckon.
5/5
2020
@erocdrahs Saw ya. Recognisable instantly via fingernails @XLarimeX That’s awesome. Thank you so much. Email dm’ed 🤟 @XLarimeX Hi, any idea when you’ll be able to do mine? No rush, obvs. Just wondering. Paid 12 April 👍
5/4
2020
@barneyfarmer If my scones don’t come from the Drunken Bakers, it’s off as far as I’m concerned @NovaTwinsMusic @CharliCohen And don’t drink the leftover bleach“I’m gonna be the best pizza. Everyone says. No one knows more about pizza than me. Actual pizza guys ask me ‘how d… https://t.co/DEpUb6m1yi
5/2
2020
@tom_ravenscroft Rumbelows?
5/1
2020
@robmulholland When he realises Iceland isn’t a tax haven, he’ll shift it to the Grand Duchy of Lidl.
4/30
2020
@RevRichardColes @lozaamandine @RevDavidColes So sorry to hear this. Much love to you and your family @Krafty_Kuts @Chali2na @Karteltweets @lyricsborn @JAKeDetonator @HarryShotta @DynamiteMC @ang13zone @joecharmanhttps://t.co/ZDguK2KYzLKerfuffle-Quasi-portent-underclap-telescope-Harambé-quarterling-WOW-tyrannosaur #Borisbaby #coronavirus #Poll
4/29
2020
@BBC6Music @CCfunkandsoul Without an indie doubt, it has to be the Inspirals with the added bonus of the genius of… https://t.co/Wzm44szYIY @fliceverett Collective noun for cyclists @maryannehobbs @BBC6Music What a tune. Please line up the Fila Brazillia mix of Cotton Wool at some point… https://t.co/w11B8PHUEM @alexandermilas Hopefully not as painful as some of those films were. I could barely watch but I did like I’d been made to ad punishment
4/28
2020
Oh, well done Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Welcome to the 6th Century. *initiates slowest handclap possible*… https://t.co/YY09IWFDlg
4/27
2020
@SkyHelpTeam Ok thanks 👍 @SkyHelpTeam Hi, 2 things. I’m trying to access my broadband router as I want to reboot it and change the password… https://t.co/LkcvEOltYe @beesesteeses Awesome
4/26
2020
This is just too good https://t.co/YiHfSy8UcR @barneyfarmer Christ, I’ve just sicked up a bit in my mouth
4/25
2020
That @realDonaldTrump is quick to get in on those untapped revenue streams, I’ll say that #disinfectant #mindbleachhttps://t.co/HWrzntkYet
4/24
2020
@GaryLineker Careful, next they might call you a “wally”. Then you’ll know their wrath. @weddingpresent Hey, happy birthday. Hope isolation finds you well. May I suggest “Lovenest” for the #humanjukebox?In these twisted, broken times, dragged from the imagination of Hieronymous Bosch, I’d like to point out I just thr… https://t.co/0XA6qFcMrg @kristinelevine Oh how much would I love to see his take on 5G conspiracies. The slaying would, I’m sure, be relentless
4/23
2020
@thgirlwpinkhair Oh it’s all Thirth 4. Or sencondy nonth. Or 1rd. Or something. Maybe. I’ll check yestermorrow @GlassCorridor Even if, and it’s a big if, I was to voluntarily look in on this, the mere presence of Paddy McGuine… https://t.co/qPBBKQhPho
4/22
2020
@ThePlanetaryGuy Venus. Because it thinks it’s special with its retrograde axial spin. But that just makes it look like an arrogant twat @DMReporter Edumailcation?
4/21
2020
@RobdaBank Yep, skull shape on its abdomen. Get it in a glass, they can bite. Bit like a bee stingAt 21:55, the Starlink satellites will go over west to east. If you look at 1 for too long, you will get fatal 5G,… https://t.co/LbxXjy9Pqd @talkRADIO Nope. Not paying tax = no bail out from public funds. His fortune will adequately cover itI would seem angry volume doesn’t trump silent facts. Who knew? https://t.co/CzPDwiOlGlAll of this is good https://t.co/OsGwAwBRNT
4/20
2020
@sarahcruddas Clear in Brighton. Hoping for some Lyrids later 💫
4/19
2020
@fliceverett Alison Parfitt-France. I’m currently clapping for the same nurses I clapped with the same hands when I… https://t.co/c5bijhmteAGood morning to everyone except the idiots last night on London Bridge clapping for the NHS but who weren’t followi… https://t.co/gcSzJrI3m0
Retweeted by Steve Evans
4/17
2020
@XLarimeX Cool. Looking forward to seeing it 🤟
4/16
2020
@thgirlwpinkhair That’s piss poor on the landlord. Citizens advice bureau? And prawns in the curtain pole the day y… https://t.co/XnnBevePwY#SingalongaHAL (Yes, I do know that Daisy Daisy is the film) And the end sequence reminds me of some clubs I went… https://t.co/vJEi1P7akU @thebodycoach Loving all the work outs. We’ve done every one (and at weekends). If possible, a 16th birthday “hi” t… https://t.co/CPpwEvpTLQ
4/14
2020
@XLarimeX That’s ok, no rush 👍 @XLarimeX Hi, you’re caricatures are awesome. can you sketch my daughter please. It’s her birthday Wednesday. Thank… https://t.co/HejYCgvqD8
4/12
2020
@BritishComedy It’s a masterpiece. That is all @alexandermilas @CoLEppingForest If you’ve been up that long the it’s technically 3/4 of the way through the day. Wine o’clock @BeCoMeCast @joeheenan Watched it last night night for the nth time and never seen that. Now going to go have to watch it for the nth+1 time
4/11
2020
@SwearyJesus 3 days. You could probably squeeze about 12 out in that time. 15 if you put your mind to it @barneyfarmer So now seafood and fake seafood can make me puke. What a time to be alive @ClassicStarWars Boba Fett? New Hope? Holiday special, perhaps? @BootstrapCook I’ve got the exact same thing which is existing in a state of non-use. It’ll now become hash browns 👍I’ve done so little today, my Achievement-o-meter has gone below ‘zero’ and started to go back in time, wiping out… https://t.co/5FHxeZm4QA
4/10
2020

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