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Big smartass, small pond. Based on true events and other bullshit I made up. or

2,043 Following   7,276 Followers   29,715 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/5/11

@itmegreggy Black @VikingJonesy This allows you to summon demons and master alchemy? @thedadvocate01 Stack attacktickled a guy to death, got charged with manslaughter
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“Why’d you do that?” “It’s still too early.” “But, it’s after Thanksgi-“ “TOO FUCKING EARLY, BARBARA.”
Retweeted by StoneMe: smile for your school pics My kid: 😶 Me: no, you have to try My kid: 😬
Retweeted by Stone @RobertManchild @dave_cactus @CyrusOMerican @chudneyspears @FrogAvalanche @rebrafsim @BigJDubz @Laser_Cat a Xenomorph wear a mask Like or Like This This
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Don’t stress out when your kids ask you questions, you can tell them anything, they don’t fucking know
Retweeted by StoneWeed so good, I started knitting a throw blanket out of Twizzlers.
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Holiday Weekend Twitter: get stuffed!* * from a safe distance of 6 or more feet or alone crying but with a mask on still drunk tho
Retweeted by Stone @difficultpatty 🥃😎
Retweeted by Stone can think of nothing more traditional on Thanksgiving than white people traveling far distances to spread disease…
Retweeted by Stonecant wait to explain to my grandkids that the reason society crumbled was because zuckerberg couldn’t get laid in college
Retweeted by StoneI’m not saying human sacrifice is the right way to go, but no one in my family has gotten ill, AND my crops have never been more bountiful
Retweeted by StoneThe contestants on Jeopardy always have such interesting life stories to share. Mine will be about the one time I g…
Retweeted by StoneScience: we need to protect the planet Me: I ADHERE TO THE SCIENCE Science: eat less or you'll die Me: Science…
Retweeted by Stone @DadtotheFuture2 @Walmart Clowned me so hard on PS5. Again.Can't, I'm just swamped with a ton of not wanting to.
Retweeted by Stone @Jenni_Drake_ @Shade510 @thedadvocate01 Nope, the Native Americans *checks notes* loved our canned cran-gel.
[first thanksgiving] after you open it, crack the bottom a little so it slides out in the shape of the can *PLOP* perfection @sweetmomissa @dimplesticks 😆😆😆😆 my life in one meme 🙌trump: you’re pardoned turkey: [has been dead of covid for 3 days]
Retweeted by StoneWhen I'm asked what I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving I find it's easier to just open up the liquor cabinet and point.
Retweeted by StonePray to your most loving and merciful God to brutally slaughter all of your enemies.
Retweeted by Stone @wildethingy Now I lay me down to sleepI didn't want to have to resort to an OnlyFans but you people are leaving me little choice
Retweeted by Stone @CrockettForReal Fuck you for making me laugh at this. 😆😎Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Retweeted by Stone @ShellHasDragons 🐚 only want one thing and it’s a porch
Retweeted by StoneI watched my toddler eat a grilled cheese buck naked tonight, just buck ass naked eating a grilled cheese sandwich…
Retweeted by StoneHoliday Weekend Twitter: get stuffed!* * from a safe distance of 6 or more feet or alone crying but with a mask on still drunk tho @Home_Halfway The most criminally under followed funny twitter accounts: @ravenswng_ @PickleRudd @ianpauldukes seven dwarfs but it's just me and my emotions this holiday season: Fat Sassy Horny Hungry Thirsty Stabby Sad
Retweeted by Stone @CrockettForReal I don’t know, but fuck my ass hurtsher: do you believe in herd immunity me: nah cows could absolutely mess me up
Retweeted by StoneWho are some very funny people here with less than 10K followers? Would love to follow some new folks who are relatively underfollowed.
Retweeted by StoneTurkey Day 2020
Retweeted by Stone @SvnSxty @ChicksRule @Tobi_Is_Fab @BeeeejEsq @LizerReal @EllaZee5 @Conchvegas1 @suecorvette @lifeisforkedup
I miss the satisfaction of slamming the receiver down. @marthasa1 for a little game I like to play called ‘oh fuck I forgot to set the timer let’s guess how long the food’s been in the oven’
Retweeted by Stone @SvnSxty @ChicksRule @Tobi_Is_Fab @BeeeejEsq @LizerReal @EllaZee5 @Conchvegas1 @suecorvette @lifeisforkedup'm EXTREMELY body positive I believe very deeply everyone should have a body
Retweeted by Stone @2browneyedboys Hello oven light, my old friendhello please don’t hang up *CLICK*CʜTROUBLEɪɴᴀ
Retweeted by Stone[family thanksgiving in 2020] HER: hey the turkey is still frozen ME: everyone else says it's fine mom try logging out and back in
Retweeted by Stone @DrakeGatsby Right on. I used to be cool as well. 🤘😎🤘I feel bad for extroverts during these times. If the tables were turned and I was told I must spend time with peopl…
Retweeted by Stone @DrakeGatsby $40? You’re staring at some dude’s head in the nosebleed seats. They just look like musical ants from up there.Short dudes are angry because we’ve never seen live music. We just keep paying $40 to stare at the back of a stranger’s head
Retweeted by Stone*Reaches into rabbit and pulls out a lifetime ban from the pet store*
Retweeted by Stone @JeffisTallguy Hasenpfeffer @PleaseBeGneiss 🙋‍♂️ it helps to stay caffeinated2020 appliances: *break within 2 years* 1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Retweeted by Stone @marthasa1 Didn’t even see you thereIf my kids ask you guys, I 100% invented the moonwalk. Cool?
Retweeted by Stone @joeykap @xLiserx Cue the savage spear-wielding teddy bears
@marthasa1 Butthole better soon @marthasa1 Feeling butthole yet? @marthasa1 McButthole @Rodg3rDodg3r @OrdinaryAlso How else am I supposed to Twitter? @The_Dingus_Khan The Rachel. @tawlo else is pumped for the series finale of Earth 2020? DAAAAAAAD Me: what's wrong buddy it's 3am Son: do you think everything happens for a reason Me: I don't kno…
Retweeted by Stone“I drink and I know things” is just the millennial “Live, Laugh, Love”
Retweeted by StoneEveryone tries out different singing voices while driving, right?
Retweeted by Stone @SirJeremyLondon Can’t wait to see Stan Lee again!📂Documents └📁Pictures └📁Rudy Giuliani └📁 Normal facial expressions └⚠️ This folder is empty
Retweeted by Stone @PickleRudd @lmegordon @JPLFR80 Well that’s upsetting. I’ve been practicing this sword stuff for years.ME: Aw, you made a gingerbread house. And a little gingerbread man in his house. And *squints* a gingerbread dog an…
Retweeted by StoneAfter 40 years I still feel like I’m about to do something athletic when I put on sneakers, even though I’m well aw…
Retweeted by StoneKnow your target audience. Stay methy, @MountainDew!
Me: I want to get drunk Him: what about your kids? Me: they can only have a little
Retweeted by StoneHer: omg, what’s your sign? Me: if I had to pick, “slow children at play” would about sum it up
Retweeted by StoneThe Berenstain Bears didn't prepare me for any of this shit
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@treydayway Now I’m craving government cheese...Sorry I don't know the cheeses. I grew up rural and poor so I only know 'Murican and government cheese
Retweeted by Stone @dave_cactus @rachelanniexo Orange boner cactusWeekend Twitter: it’s FLEETS Week! Act accordingly.
Retweeted by StoneIt’s the freakin weekend baby, I’m about to have* me some fun** *drink **sleepytime tea
Retweeted by StoneOnly I can prevent forest fires
Retweeted by Stone @JasonNotEvil Drinking? Bruh I’m has giraffe balls watchin MandolorianA captcha test for your Amazon cart, but to stop you from shopping under the influence.
Retweeted by Stone @amanda_poops This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Retweeted by Stone @BBFTC1 @CrockettForReal @IndecisiveJones @Roy_oh_Roy @video_jame @DrakeGatsby @UncleDuke1969 @PleaseBeGneiss @daemonic3 I don’t like ice in my whiskey Him: that’s neat Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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