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Usually here for the dad jokes, I'm told I should mention I'm Canadian @TCTContest 🏆

3,098 Following   8,138 Followers   42,033 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/18/19

wtf @The_Albinoshrek @PoodleSnarf @lukeplusone @adamgreattweet @English_Channel @FuniBob @Tobi_Is_Fab @reallifemommy3*leans into mic* But did you use soap????
Retweeted by Village PersonMe: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences Warden: tha…
Retweeted by Village PersonIn Canada the hot girls wearing nerdy glasses call themselves dorques
Retweeted by Village PersonThank goodness Whitney isn’t here to see that her prophetic song claiming that children are the future was grossly incorrect.
Retweeted by Village PersonNot invited to breakfast anymore cuz I kept moaning when the cereal would cut the roof of my mouth
Retweeted by Village PersonA Birkin? Man, fork over that cash for therapy and you will never feel obligated to use possessions as your personality ever again.
Retweeted by Village PersonTo do list: Dig through the ditches ✅ Burn through the witches ✅ Slam in the back of my Dragula ⬜
Retweeted by Village PersonNew girl at work took her food out of the microwave without clearing the timer. And so now I have to stash drugs i…
Retweeted by Village PersonShout out to some of my funny friends who also hate those that don't clear a microwave @PoodleSnarf @lukeplusone
Retweeted by Village PersonThis is even better than that other one. Stop the presses! @youjustroll picked you, @SvnSxty. Ding ding ding!
Retweeted by Village PersonAt what age do women get to stop sucking in their stomachs? I need something to look forward to.
Retweeted by Village Personone time I got really muddy while out with my dad & he didn’t want my mom to know, so he just took me to the car wa…
Retweeted by Village PersonMe: (enters kids’ bathroom) OMG! What happened?! 6: I was brushing my teeth, I sneezed and didn’t close my mouth.…
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Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly Landscaper: sounds like bullshit Farmer: yes exactly @damnfinetweet @youjustroll Thanks so much 😁🙌🏻 @awkwardenabled @BBFTC1 Hahaha yessss @SvnSxty @BBFTC1 😂❤️
Retweeted by Village PersonMe: laughter is the best medicine Doctor: you have diabetes Me: Doctor: lol Me: Doctor: that'll be four thousand dollars @revolutionariii @CrockettForReal I'm the one that says "there's no need to feel down" I'm kind of a big dealanyone who's put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrenchCurling Commissioner: your brooms are definitely super illegal though eh Potter: get stuffed you muggle trash"thanks friend cya tomorrow" i say with a confident smile. "ok" says the uber eats driver as he hands me a $15 room…
Retweeted by Village Persondecorating for fall but instead of scented candles everywhere you just prop up hard shell tacos across your mantle and throughout the foyer
Retweeted by Village PersonWho called it corrective surgery and not back to the suture
Retweeted by Village Person @The_Albinoshrek @ContestThursday *tosses you trophy* think fastPut down the baby and catch this 🏆 instead @The_Albinoshrek! You're @SvnSxty's pick in this week's BABIES contest!
Retweeted by Village PersonEvery time a woman refrains from telling you to fuck off when you spew unsolicited advice on her tweets, she's prac…
Retweeted by Village Person @CrockettForReal @Roy_oh_Roy @StoneAgeRadio13 @TheHyyyype @PleaseBeGneiss @drivingmemadi @daemonic3 @FuniBob’ll change a tire in front of another man’s wife and kids idgaf, that’s my family now
Retweeted by Village PersonMore people that will make you laugh so follow them: @Roy_oh_Roy @SvnSxty @StoneAgeRadio13 @TheHyyyype
Retweeted by Village Person[having sex] her: lets do doggy style me: hell yeah *throws stick*
Retweeted by Village PersonMy husband just made me a sandwich with a bread heel. Is this a subtle way of recommending that I start searching for a good divorce lawyer?
Retweeted by Village PersonLike sand in the corner of your eye, these are the days of our lives
Retweeted by Village PersonWhat your cat sees briefly between each of their 9 lives
Retweeted by Village PersonFirst day as a phone sex operator: So, umm I guess put the phone up your butt, bad boy...
Retweeted by Village Person🔪HAPPY FRIDAY, BITCHES🔪 It's time for your favorite tweet call #BBFTC. Drop your best tweet from last week and ou…
Retweeted by Village PersonI’m not saying my husband shouldn’t breathe the same room air as me, but he could get his own sometimes
Retweeted by Village Personchopping onions just gave me some serious WAP wet ass proximity-sensors
Retweeted by Village PersonWhen the convention center accidentally combined the nun symposium and the sex worker expo, all they could offer were thots and prayers
Retweeted by Village Personmacrame is just itchy friendship bracelets you make for your plants
Retweeted by Village PersonThinking about starting a seasonal depression sex toy company and naming it Melancholy Vibes.
Retweeted by Village Personnormalize tacos for breakfast
Retweeted by Village Person @drinksmcgee Thanks and congrats!! Dogs Metal (ish) Macabre @DrRavenclawesom @TheNYAMProject 😬 @i_mthestorm 😂 yikes @mamapjs1 I'm sorry for your loss @ADHDeanASL More or LESS @ReginaCarpaccio 😂 @indafckitbucket Wow that's vividFollow me for other tales of young adulthood @BBFTC1 @awkwardenabled Thanks!! @Kryzazy Here's a few that I liked more than twitter 😂 @StacyStockton5 Here to help 😂 @TheNYAMProject But you can die from that! I mean cute little zits. Like, what if when our voices crack in puberty… you imagine brain acne? like, a zit pops and you just START TALKING REALLY LOUDLY ALL OF THE SUDDENLet em know you’re easy breezy on the Zoom call by cutting a hole in your sweatpants to show off your raccoon tail buttplug
Retweeted by Village PersonMen put the toilet paper roll on the wrong direction on purpose, so as to trick us into thinking they’re stupid and…
Retweeted by Village PersonTwo school moments you'll never forget: 1. The kid who puked in class. and 2. The biology teacher who said orgasm instead of organism.
Retweeted by Village PersonYeah, you can pretty much pumpkin spice anything...
Retweeted by Village Person @Tobi_Is_Fab @FuniBob @iTomFoolery @goofballbirkla @AtCouchyB @English_Channel @LizerReal @erichwithach @trexemoji my 5-year-old has been asking us to call him Kid Grandma, which we play along with, but last night he said,…
Retweeted by Village PersonI loved these peeps in a past life @FuniBob @iTomFoolery @goofballbirkla @AtCouchyB @English_Channel @LizerReal
Retweeted by Village PersonSorry I am a bad mom sometimes, but I was raised to believe babies came from cabbage patches so what did you expect really
Retweeted by Village PersonI have a dad bod but my only child is laziness
Retweeted by Village PersonThe head ranger at the Grand Canyon should be called the Gorge Foreman
Retweeted by Village Person[first day in a new cult] Ummm...I was led to believe there would be Kool-Aid here?
Retweeted by Village PersonOn my drive I caught a glimpse of a guy that was visibly uncomfortable while his bulldog was taking a poop, and his…
Retweeted by Village PersonTrust me, babies aren't as aerodynamic as you think. They're built more for burrowing
Retweeted by Village PersonA DM room where we discuss our various ailments.
Retweeted by Village PersonYou can find me at sunset, riding a llama and chopping off the heads of men
Retweeted by Village PersonMy onlyfans is just me sharing words of support and encouragement
Retweeted by Village PersonI think one of the most beautiful things about my forties is how I can complain about milk prices and other people feel the same.
Retweeted by Village PersonMe: Ok, fine, you caught me. Will a blowjob make this go away? My husband: I just asked you to finally fold the la…
Retweeted by Village PersonWhenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Retweeted by Village PersonHow dare my coworker be a dick on the Zoom meeting when his background is Bikini Bottom, ok SpongeBob
Retweeted by Village PersonI will follow him anywhere....but not in a creepy way...cuz that would be creepy.
Retweeted by Village PersonMy dog was licking his balls,and my friend said, “I wish I could do that” and I told him,”You’d better pet him first, he’s kinda mean.
Retweeted by Village Person[Teenage Bob Seger goes to the doctor] Doc: You're a little too tall Bob: Doc: You could use a few pounds
Retweeted by Village Person*leans into mic* For better or worse did not include 2020
Retweeted by Village PersonThis year for Halloween I'm going as Sexy Weird Al Yankovic, which is exactly the same as going as Weird Al Yankovic
Retweeted by Village PersonMy marriage broke down for religious reasons........he thought he was God...and i didn't.
Retweeted by Village Person[extreme Doc Brown panicked voice] They found me! I don’t know how but they found me!! Toddler: *continues pounding on the bathroom door*
Retweeted by Village Personme: [crying in the shower] my shower: why are u like this
Retweeted by Village Person“My son has not made money” -My dad about me not having a job
Retweeted by Village PersonOh to be a swirling cloud of pink smoke churning suspiciously above my house.
Retweeted by Village PersonWilliam Shakespeare: Now is the winter of our discontent William Shakespeare If He Was Alive In 2020: Now is the…
Retweeted by Village PersonBe a good soul and stay in touch with the trees. They miss you.
Retweeted by Village PersonI'm just going to go ahead and start telling young people they look great for their age. Like, "Wow, 23? You look amazing for 23."
Retweeted by Village PersonBoss Babe in my DMs: Hey, I noticed your profile and you seem like a really cool chick! Me: You could not be more…
Retweeted by Village Persondad: what do you want to be when you grow up? son: a plastic surgeon. dad: well that'll raise a few eyebrows.
Retweeted by Village PersonStone Cold Steve Austin: AND THATS THE BOTTOM LINE, CUZ STONE COLD SAYS SO Optometrist: not even close
Retweeted by Village PersonIs licking a 9V battery some kind of childhood rite of passage or are my parents just really fucked up?
Retweeted by Village Personi need a better hobby
Retweeted by Village PersonMe: I have no regrets My brain: wait til you try to go to sleep
Retweeted by Village PersonWham!: 🎵 wake me up before you go go 🎵 Inspector Gadget: like... every morning or...?
Retweeted by Village Personin england it's known as footbollocks
Retweeted by Village PersonI need a quote for tattoo removal. It’s way past time to get this image of Bill Cosby making the Pudding Pops Face taken care of
Retweeted by Village PersonIf you can't handle me at my Sad Cold Winter Dick™ you don't deserve me at my Big Heavy Summer Dick™
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