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Usually here for the dad jokes

3,308 Following   10,943 Followers   52,667 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/18/19

Follow me for other stuff! @CarbonatedCB This is amazing and I just may use it 😂🔥My husband just walked by and burped while I was on speakerphone with the IRS. I don’t think I could love him anymore than I do right now.
Retweeted by Village PersonMy sister started making chocolate chip cookies in her Easy Bake Oven in 1980. They’re finally ready.
Retweeted by Village PersonSchool taught me fractions like if you're on your third fifth of whiskey you haven't even had a full whiskey yet
Retweeted by Village Person @SvnSxty CATEGORY: Valentine's Day SECOND CATEGORY: Apology/I'm Sorry
Retweeted by Village Person @LizerReal @mom_tho @Tobi_Is_Fab @reallifemommy3 @Xennial_Daddy @cellapaz @dadthatwrites @CafeinatedBacon 4yo is playing 20 questions with me except that it's infinite questions and there is no point and this isn't a g…
Retweeted by Village PersonCheck out these other parents for laughs! @SvnSxty @mom_tho @Tobi_Is_Fab @reallifemommy3 @Xennial_Daddy
Retweeted by Village PersonInside every man are two idiots. Don't feed either of them.
Retweeted by Village PersonNothing wakes you up quite like your wife shouting in her sleep “HEY DORTHY!” like she’s bout to snatch the wig off…
Retweeted by Village PersonYou know it was a good sleep when you wake up and your feet are where your head was when you laid down
Retweeted by Village PersonMy road rage is the most terrifying thing about me.
Retweeted by Village PersonKraft singles in your area they wanna curdle and Fond U
Retweeted by Village Personmy son revved up to sneeze, then turned around and farted instead. my job as a parent is done
Retweeted by Village PersonMy 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Retweeted by Village PersonAtomic Grove (2001) by Jonesy
Retweeted by Village PersonLearn to be a whole shit, not just a piece of it.
Retweeted by Village PersonSecret to a successful marriage is to never let your spouse find out that you’ve had a good night’s sleep
Retweeted by Village Person @CarbonatedCB Thanks!! @Klcombest1 @adamgreattweet Oh she does that too lol @StoneAgeRadio13 @ChicksRule @jfromthehill 😂😬 @pantless_papple Me: *eyes flutter open* uh... hi Wife: *straddling me, holding a pillow* this is exactly what it looks like @dave_cactus I get it it's gross because Peter Pan peanut butter lol nasty*in bed* Wife: *puts her hand on my hip* hey baby Me: *excitedly* yes? Wife: roll over on your side so your snor… @CrockettForReal @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @mattewe02 @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @ChicksRule @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @TheWinegasm @fckboyseatpizza @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @donutscoffeeme @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @BigJDubz @Darlainky @thearibradford @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @TheWinegasm @toomanycommas3 @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @geekysteven @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @Lottie_Poppie @TheWinegasm @julcasagrande @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @girlwit0filter @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @TheWinegasm @TheWinegasm @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @thearibradford @Darlainky @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie @TheWinegasm @Tobi_Is_Fab @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie'm convinced the p was added to psychology because someone was losing in scrabble and needed an extra letter for a triple word score
Retweeted by Village PersonIn hindsight, an eagle au pair wasn't the best idea
Retweeted by Village PersonMy brain is writing checks that my liver can't cash.
Retweeted by Village PersonWhen I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"
Retweeted by Village PersonI’m “did I spill my drink or pee my pants?” years old
Retweeted by Village PersonRival figure skaters should get to slide curling stones at their oponents during routines. 🥌⛸ A direct hit causing…
Retweeted by Village PersonTeach liquor store employees how to administer the vaccine and we’ll reach herd immunity in 72 hours
Retweeted by Village Person[breathing] “I could do this all day.”
Retweeted by Village PersonThe worst part of being heartbroken is not having any musical talent to capitalize on it
Retweeted by Village Personyesterday, but in a tomorrow kind of way
Retweeted by Village Personwhat my husband doesn’t realize that a lot of our arguments could be solved by shoving a cookie in my face
Retweeted by Village PersonI was gonna start a cocaine delivery business but the name instagram was already taken so I was like nevermind
Retweeted by Village PersonThis apple is young, dumb and full of crumble.
Retweeted by Village PersonJanuary is that guest you've tolerated and tried to make small talk with but suddenly you're bored and like omg ple…
Retweeted by Village PersonI'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby Twitter: welcome home
Retweeted by Village PersonThem: Damn girl what that mouth do Me: - Drools sometimes - Grinds my teeth from anxiety - Sometimes morning bre…
Retweeted by Village PersonYes I’m rearranging part of my living room furniture and YES, I liked it the way it was before. Now I’m just going…
Retweeted by Village Persontaco trucks are my natural habitat
Retweeted by Village PersonWhat do men who send us our own selfies want from us?!
Retweeted by Village PersonWho called it a Rabbi from Rio taking an airline to court and not Brazilian Jew Jet Sue
Retweeted by Village PersonFRANKIE SAYS .... RELAX.. (it's us -- we're Frankie, this week) Send 1-3 tweets, new or old, about relaxing, unwi…
Retweeted by Village PersonMy kid commenting on the dinner I just made: “Well, it’s not restaurant level, but it’s mom-tried level I guess...”
Retweeted by Village Person @saturdaycontest @damnfinetweet Thanks!!*30 kids all screaming in a 400 sq ft classroom* Me: yeah I can totally hear you @Froschauer_AF *taking notes* sigh volume has to be a control, DAMMIT back to grade 2 let's do it overyour can-on-a-string phone only "worked" because you could hear your buddy 10 feet away admit it you fraudcat: *knocks items off shelf* catfish: *knocks items off shellfish*
Retweeted by Village Personnews reporter: when you get to the moon what will you do first astronaut: [a werewolf] normal stuff
Retweeted by Village Personme, clicking pen: this is glorious me, hearing someone else clicking pen: if i could kill u with just my thoughts i would
Retweeted by Village PersonI just described what starting a period feels like to my husband and he tried to compare it to taking a wet poop.
Retweeted by Village PersonFor once I’d like to go to bed and not mentally write a script and cast leads for what would equal a 9 hour autobiographical feature film
Retweeted by Village PersonFollow me for other stuff ON! Of course I listen to Metallica . . 's ocular slumber advice.
Retweeted by Village PersonMe: what’s going on, you’re acting like you’ve got a screw loose 8: *massive eye roll* ALL of my screws are loose Me: ...
Retweeted by Village PersonMy daughter asked for avocado toast for breakfast and I've never felt like more of a failure as a parent.
Retweeted by Village PersonHell hath no fury like my dogs who are fed five minutes later than usual
Retweeted by Village PersonI just ate a gas station cheeseburger in three bites and I’m wondering how much time I have left.
Retweeted by Village PersonMe: "I got 99 problems but a ditch ain't one!" *falls into a ditch* "Shit."
Retweeted by Village Personnot saying your cat would eat you but they've definitely thought about it
Retweeted by Village PersonTwo shits?! You are asking too much...I’ll give you one.
Retweeted by Village PersonWhen they say "it's all in your head" Me - exactly! That's the problem
Retweeted by Village Personme: without revealing your favourite game, how do you wrap your gifts? dwayne johnson: paper scissors me: dwayne johnson: dammit
Retweeted by Village PersonI didn’t dare send her to Twitter where most of my friends have the best ones because then I would be easier to fin…
Retweeted by Village PersonRestaurants close ➡️ Restaurants open for delivery and takeout ➡️ Restaurants offer outdoor dining ➡️ Restaurants o…
Retweeted by Village Person“ok, bitch. that’s how it’s gonna be? two can play at that game.” -me yelling at the wind with absolutely zero rec…
Retweeted by Village Personcan’t. too busy tongue fucking this babybel
Retweeted by Village PersonAll my sexts end the same way: "You can no longer reply to this conversation"
Retweeted by Village PersonMy sexting style is unintentional parody
Retweeted by Village PersonTired folks to follow @Darlainky @thearibradford @BigJDubz @ChicksRule @girlwit0filter @geekysteven @Lottie_Poppie
@R_2_PEE_2 😁🙌🏻 @thearibradford @thearibradford I think if you hammer back a bottle of wine you'll have a whole nature documentary by midnight @Watcher76387607 You do you lol @salisburyholly1 @DrakeGatsby Freud?Or maybe just other funny crap @BBFTC1 Thanks!!