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Bring tea for the pterosaur, steak for the sun.

834 Following   5,576 Followers   24,555 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/30/09

I've just got on the bus and nearly no one is wearing a mask. In a Tier 2 zone. This is genuinely just a fucking piss-take.And to accusations that I'm.not a good housemate I say simply sorry, you get to decide what excludes you *and* that what women think excludes us doesn't, and that we are in f… course that would require not being just an outright bad person, and here we are.Maybe if you're mainly known for kicking off about what people call you after you've had a baby you should shut the… @PlanetClare_ @_rasviney Absolutely insane stuff tbh @PlanetClare_ @_rasviney 37 hours a week 🙄 @_rasviney You have to claim universal credit online and they text and email you but yeah sell your phone and then… HANDBAG? Does he think skint mums are walking round in strings of Tiffany pearls with collections of Birki… finding myself caught short on America or Spain and having to try and use them was the absolute worst, the… don't really care what Tampax have to say about anything tbh their tampons are the worst thing most women have ev…
@KentishHack Ha, it's my friend's boyfriend's place, I live in an attic. @PeteNewbon Thank you 🙂 I rather like morbid little girls, they're usually very clever. @SaraKS1981 @jojo_jo_johanna Yes that is a good start I think. @PeteNewbon Thanks! I like how one is eating another pumpkin. @SaraKS1981 Thanks! I printed a picture of what I wanted and used it for the basic outline and then did the detail… @Cadmarch Te Fiti but in massive mood. @ejselley Ok that's fine thanksWell it's too fucking late now isn't it. *Goes into a massive sulk*I can't believe you're not even pity-liking my child's film pumpkin, you bastards.🎵 you know who you are 🎶's on you, son, I never thought I had any more potential left to spend after 35, which is in just over a fortni… hear me out: mini banoffee pies?The last 4 times I've tried to scan a barcode and check into a hospitality venue I've got an error message so it's bad for my ego because *very Taylor Swift voice* 🎶I got wasted like all my potential 🎵 @bartramsgob Wait I can get paid for that without it being a sex thing?This is great for my ego I'm enjoying it a lot @Cadmarch "buy a massive bag of oats for a quid to feed four" are you fucking high? Porridge, for every meal? Porri… on then I will get on this vain bandwagon because I am vain, what do I look like I do? if it says something like "cheese: 30p" which means in fact you roughly prorated the price of the block… people posting priced lists of ingredients showing they made a meal for two for 6p or something not simply fuck off @campbellclaret Where are you... Suggesting Dilyn isNot that a lot of Labour MPs aren't as well but JesusI really don't like the line that all Tories are just outright fucking horrible people but a lot of the MPs seem to… @liz545 I will walk to Soho and that will make it ok when I eat the entire thing. @ellegist No you didn't I don't try at allYou have comic literally in your twitter handle Lee on a nicer (?) note I'm thinking of getting a Goodreads account solely to review a book in one sentence: "Ev…
Happy Pom puppy says don't argue with tedious twats @LauraSRobinson It has a little bit made me want to make a nice shepherd's pie with no stupid lite crowns stuffed f… @LauraSRobinson But the bacon-y crowns are just so pointlessOff to see if I can find some drugs to exchange for a loaf of babka @scrapegroat You simply cannot get Chef Club off their bullshit. You cannot.Anyway the way to stop poor people buying drugs is very simple you just have to make sure they have no food to swap… @MattProvostHR This is an absolutely ridiculous defence. If you are talking about why a policy should not be implem…*gently but firmly touches wooden floor*My mum isn't in good health but I will tell you one thing she isn't and that is dead at the hands of Men In Black star Will Smith.Once I had a dream I couldn't get into my parents' house and while I banged helplessly on the doors Will Smith murd… @seanjonesqc What I went for the walk it was really longAnyway if I didn't want people to say I'd said free school meal vouchers were essentially paying £20 to crack dens… that's... That's what your tweet says. Like exactly what it says. Right there in the tweet. @liz545 Ooh! Soho pick up?! @robblundell This one has won awards. I bought one in NYC about 4 years ago and ate it for like three days @IamLilyP My old housemate bought a playsuit off wish she actually used to wear but she was a size 6-8 and I feel l… have still not found anything in London resembling the Breads Bakery chocolate babka and it's getting to the poin… @MrPomegranX @SaraKS1981 No one wanted this, but here it is, in all its gloryFabulous fabulous fabulous OH JESUS CHRIST WHAT @dijdowell I'm not being funny but last time the alternative was Jeremy Corbyn. I don't think there was any morally… @RobFrancis82 @bouledenerfs_ @Cadmarch I can't even see it because I'm blocked for saying he wasn't being particula… @ellegist I don't know what cope means I mean I do know what the word means but this sentence makes no sense to me Am I old @nickclarkeleave @Jennyflower Ok, total psychopath. @scrapegroat 😘 @RobFrancis82 Thank you!No reply yet to my invitation to @RealHughJackman to go to the British Museum and then for crepes, he's been very q…'t believe you can't just order Marcus Rashford to go somewhere with you while he's busy clearing up the mess yo… @_BillieBelieves 😘Ok so if I order a dress off Wish for £1 that's gonna be crap rightWhy the fuck was it allowed in the first place did not, to my knowledge, say that. @rainy101 Hahah maybe yeah. That was also controversial because my sister and sis in law ordered a set of giant, t… over on Facebook as my mum shares a photo of my sister's wedding cake for their 5th anniversary with the com… too don't recall ever being on free school meals despite my parents being low income as long as I can remember, w… my god nobody fucking cares that your mum could afford to feed you and therefore you think poor people are feckl…'s a fabulous witch lady I made earlier again for people who want a glowing skeleton on their face and/or want me to be able afford food, shelter and… by this as I browse running shoes- an athlete! Me! @seanjonesqc Yes that was me and I'm much happier with the bright, clear, vaguely temperate day happening today, I… @ajohnduncan @Ersatz_F I've had that in the background while I was working for the whole pandemic.Update: the bedtime story that's just a guy listing types of consomme and how to cook asparagus twenty different wa…
Why is it in the sleep section on Audible how the fuck would something that makes me feel crawling with bees help me fucking sleepOh my Christ which one of you told me to try ASMR for sleep it's the most profoundly unpleasant thing I have never hated anything moreNo fucking irritated that local businesses are having to step in to feed hungry kids because the government is… @Jsoosty "are you so deficient you can't make the delicious lamb on the bone made in my full set of Le Creuset"I can't believe how much I hate you @Alasdair_CM I cannot imagine spending £70 on one bottle of wine. But I have never been a person of means.I mean you need three between two of you for a decent night in, that's an absurd splurge when the Domino's cost you about thirty quidImagine suddenly winning the lottery or something and having loads of disposable income where you had very little b… don't even really want to drink the great wines my favourite is the £4.50 own brand rosé from Sainsbury's or the… you if it's 1940 and I find I'm still inexplicably an adult woman at least I'll be stylish as fuckI'm ok with this because it has the distinctly attractive advantage of being 45 years before I had to bother existi… to quote tweet a terrible tweet to make an even worse one did we @KarenPollock100 I walked for ages and then I had some lamb and stuffed mushrooms with potatoes and some.fondant fa… pet a really good chocolate and tan dachshund called Woody who was super friendly and jumpy and loved belly rubs,… know it looks on Strava like I took an hour and a half to walk 4.6 miles but you have to understand I kept stopping to pet dogsHours later I'm still incredulous that a grown man thought tweeting a picture of a man kissing his son on the cheek… I had carved a virus from a fallen tree branch for my beloved wife WALL years to come people born today will Google "Florida man" and their birthday and get "Florida man accuses presid…, you weird twat.