Sign in with Twitter


Somehow my tweets are more popular on Facebook and Instagram despite me never posting them on either. New Avi by @invisichad

3,591 Following   5,690 Followers   67,697 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/30/19

Yoga pants aren't as easy to rip open as porn suggest. In a totally unrelated story I'm not allowed within 500 fee… yeah I party* *Pluck nose hairs Ache all over Rest often Trim the hedges Yell ‘get off my lawn’
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Two detectives investigate a severed foot found in a harbor. Detective 1: You think this is the work of the PUN-is…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️This little piggy was upset because his bro was chomping down pieces of Bill the steer.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Buying toilet paper, bed sheets , and parachutes is not the time to try to save a few bucks. I know this now.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Google's full name is GeoffBooglez
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Have some fun when you're giving away your couch and confuse people by telling them to take a seat
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️GOD: *creates dolphin* DOLPHIN:
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Remember when phone cords were a physical representation of the tone the conversation was taking
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️me: [flirting] this isn't the first time i've had this effect on a man man: [quietly sobs]
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Copy and paste but change the pilot...
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I can’t be the only one who hears “spatchcock” and automatically imagines a spatula for a penis. Raise your hand i…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Eat your friend's toast but your enemy's toaster
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I get it Mrs. Claus, my husband still gets full credit for stuff I bought and wrapped too
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I went to Target to buy one thing and left with only one thing. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @CaponeBrocato @maryfairybobrry Chuck E. Cheese's soul now wanders through the Chucky DollsSneezes are like abrupt exclamation marks.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I get it double luge athletes, if I'm gonna die, I wanna die having sex.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Do scuba instructors yell REGULATOOOORS all the time or is this world just a huge disappointment?
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I hope that in 10 years (when I can only imagine that I will be actively on fire or holding a baby over my head as…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️You can be a reply guy without being a fucking creep. I've seen it done.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️getting a taste of your own medicine is what happens when you go to a pill party and nobody else shows up
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Pandemic Life Hack: poop with the door open so your partner can be certain they don’t have COVID
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Me: [jumps out of plane] Instructor: hey you forgot your parachute Me: 🤸…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative. Me: Whew! Thank goodness. Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️[Caribbean Restaurant] Me: jerk chicken, please Chicken: you way too fat for dat shirt, brah
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️A Viking death announcement is called an oblituary.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️him: Should we share a bottle of champagne before dinner? me: First of all, how dare you.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️My kids are playing "police" and it's frightening how much corruption exists within their precinct.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️*Buying a can of Pledge I solemnly swear to protect this house against all enemies microbiological and domestic I…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️jesus what the fuck happened to conan
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️[first date] her: rank yourself on a scale of 1-10 me: i'm probably a Nate
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Nothing has more unfounded confidence than the 2021 planners going for more than $20.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Some days, I like to wear my dead Uncle’s lucky ring. It’s not what you think! He had an allergic reaction after having sex with a tree.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Maybe football players wouldn't get injured on the field if they maintained social distancing.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️It's a wild race! Out of the gate CC Declined and Divorce II are neck and neck Dog Tired is coming up on Car Repa…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️There's no mmmm in decaf so it should be served in an ug
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Tis’ the season to watch Love Actually until your eyes pour blood.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️attention travelers going to chicago in case of a water landing your pizza can be used as a flotation device, trave…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Super cool to reach 5,000 of you telling jokes. Tweet Call! I’ll take your tweets about the weekend, your dysfunc…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️My priest just tripped on his robe and turned it into a somersault. He's agile af for a 70 year old
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Remember, when you’re attending church services via Zoom, don’t flip off the collection plate - god can activate your camera
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️🎶Chess knots row sting yawning dopey fryer Shack flossed knee pain apple knows You'll tie Daryl's brie ends slung b…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Having kids seems like a good idea then you witness one gnawing their toenails off with their teeth
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Amazing Grace, but it's just me singing to my coffee pot
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @LazyFunday I'm not THAT BAD of a cook Wife: I've watched you burn cereal Me: that was ONCE Wife: *pointing* twice Me: what oh shit ow fuck
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️The problem with children is that they are never as hung over as you are.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️These kids are going to wake up one day and realize I changed the locks.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️How YOU doin’? I mean financially. Matt LeBlanc here for AARP
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I miss the days of ending boring small talk only to awkwardly run into you in the next aisle. Just kidding. God…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️God: what do you have for me today? angel: I invented the gall bladder God: what does it do? angel: I don't kno…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️2027: All human interaction has been outlawed. Extroverts meet in underground tunnels to talk about what they had for dinner
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @LazyFunday @damnfinetweet Here is a few from me @JuneThorpe9 Then I have done my job 😂🤣📻Contest time!📻 Theme: Listen to the Band 🦻🎸 Give us your best 3 old/new tweets about anything triggered by these…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @VikingJonesy He snapped after Henson diedI picked a fight with my wife because we got a new couch and it doesn't snore or steal my pillows
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Omelette is when the eggs make an effort to like you back
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Do you play Terror Squad’s Lean Back when you bathe your child, or nah?
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️When you have your own house you can do things your way, unless of course you have kids. Then you do things the toddlers way
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️When you see a flock of geese migrating and there’s that one fat bird desperately flapping its wings as it lags beh…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I'm just a guy, standing in front of his microwave, trying to clean his pipe because there's no goddamn isopropyl a…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Can't write tweets because stupid me woke up today. How bout you ?
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️So cute how the self-checkout just assumes I have coupons. Cashiers look at me and know that I don't.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️[First day as a bank robber] Other robber: Did you bring the balaclavas? Me, hiding a tray of delicious Greek sweet treats: Ah...
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Hard to believe this is 50% horse
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @alexsearcy @English_Channel Hidden figures kinda takes that mystery awayDM: You hear something walking in the woods. Ahsoka Tano: I attack it. DM: Don't you want to see if-- AT: BITCH DID I FUCKING STUTTER
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I like making the dumb.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️They say that the early bird catches the worm but this time the earlier worm used its body as a garrote on that damn bird!
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @paminski The cycle of life @Tobi_Is_Fab Thank youI picked a fight with my wife because we got a new couch and it doesn't snore or steal my pillowsIf you don’t finish the cheese at the same time as the crackers.. you’ve failed at snacking
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they're beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️One time my manager asked me if I was okay because the girls on my team were “bullying” me for knowing how to read…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️absolutely no one knows the words of "who let the dogs out" apart from the "who let the dogs out" bit
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Me: Do you want some Mac n Cheese? Son: How do people make more people?
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @RevBigBabyHuey[at the restaurant] me: i don’t think it’s going to work out between us him: why me: you’re too immature wai…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Got the family together for this one
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Well here we are again My name is Sean Spicer Remember when I made up stuff twice? Oh how you laughed and laughed Except I was yelling
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Y'all gon' make me lose my mind Up in here 👇 👇Up in here
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Me, after spending hours actively ignoring work and doing random crap: How is it so late? I have so much to do
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Are you making a mistake by following @JasonNotEvil ? yes yes yes 👇 👇 👇
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders My dog: It’s a new person! Please…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️I'm making my new year's resolutions now so I can get a head start on giving up on them.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️me, to family: do you guys follow me on Twitter? I want to know if I can make fun of you or not
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @PopeAwesomeXIII Waldorf is a man! in movies and TV shows hanging up the phone without saying anything is some kind of chaotic energy that I wi…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️If I pass out just pick me up and gently move me toward the direction I was traveling.
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @ErynWhy @ADHDeanASL @portmanteauface Why do you want to hurt me? Also does it work?If you could convince men that pachyderm semen cured baldness there would be a line out the door at every zoo in th…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️Model: which pose should I do? Photograph: just hold this mug Model: uh ok Photograph: this will be a great mug…
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ @one_fish_2_fish @wumother @549Brenna Time to drug gonzo and make him swallow a key that opens up animal's shackles before a gas kills them allPretend this is a genie format joke where the genie turns out to be god selling bibles door to door
Retweeted by 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️