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Writer, director, high-functioning headcase. If you're unsure of my tone, imagine me with a wry smile and a glass of wine. My agent: MHARV@wmeentertainment.com

555 Following   230,101 Followers   38,292 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/11/12


@GennHutchison @JacksonLanzing Sweet Jesus what I wouldn’t give to adapt the Dark Tower series. Wizard and Glass al… https://t.co/2M3f2TSJ4N"if you can't afford the rent, move out of the city" Hey fuckface, that's where the jobs are. Where are all the se… https://t.co/EIQIVHARFj
Retweeted by Hazel HayesGo, grease lightnin’, you’re burnin’ up the quarter mile... https://t.co/QMEniiiGyw
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes
1/26
2020
A very helpful little thread on why preorders are so important to authors https://t.co/BqfTuj4gtv @sianharries_ That donut is like something out of The Shining to be fair.This is just what every abusive man argues: That his victims are obliged to keep his dirty secrets, and if they fai… https://t.co/td2E30RmoA
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @edgarwright EDGAR!The Swedish word for goat is 'get' and the Swedish for kid is 'killing', resulting in this creepy instruction in a… https://t.co/nq9VvmBDCT
Retweeted by Hazel HayesClearly the mother wasn't ENOUGH https://t.co/WdMT5ddrWR
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @thegalacticwtch Oh wow. Thanks for sharing these ❤️ @ConnerHabib This is beautiful Conner. Thank you so much xI haven’t felt this homesick in a long time 😢 https://t.co/vn888dc8EjHow amazing is this?! @eimearnoone will be the first woman to conduct the orchestra at the Oscars. Gwan Ireland! https://t.co/O9FWXtCZON
Retweeted by Hazel HayesI'm seeing this tweet pop up a lot on my timeline & it's making me wince. Women were absolutely a large percentage… https://t.co/cuMYSahKE0
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @JohnnyBerchtold @rachelzegler No. Leave her. I wanna see what happens.I'm going to see Cats tomorrow at a screening that will allow heckling and I'm... I'm so excited?
Retweeted by Hazel HayesWhen I was a little girl I dreamed of moments like these. Who is brave enough to introduce me? #Oscars https://t.co/8gPzH7LA3A
Retweeted by Hazel HayesIt was weirdly validating to see this and read the replies and know that other women feel this way too. It’s a hard… https://t.co/7pAanEiRT4This is Pooch. During a car ride, he managed to wiggle out the window and fell to the pavement below. The resulting… https://t.co/Ykq3gSBXs0
Retweeted by Hazel HayesIt’s upsetting how attractive I find this seemingly cruel but secretly sensitive nerd character. Joss Whedon really… https://t.co/zjw9z6NIt8
1/25
2020
@RosiannaRojas @lexcanroar Here. Have the replies to my big sad request for doggos... https://t.co/Y9wLIKmnBB https://t.co/PYjOe6p0JvTo pass the Jellichel test a movie must feature at least two jellicle cats having a conversation about something ot… https://t.co/VbTBBNvV8n
Retweeted by Hazel HayesYou don’t owe anyone pieces of yourself. Keep close what you want to keep close. And when you give, give because it… https://t.co/bzxPeJje1J
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes
1/24
2020
@mssophielaura DONT SPEND MONEY IF YOU THINK YOU SHOULDNTthe bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face contestant: ok the bachelor: u can’t get je… https://t.co/8bFir07FoW
Retweeted by Hazel HayesLESS THAN AN HOUR LEFT! https://t.co/hWxnadtVE9I felt a bit silly crying at this. Then I realised that’s exactly how I should respond. It really got me hearing fo… https://t.co/wb9AYNiFvN @Tinkers_Leen Fair.Wait. Did he say it was gorgeous or did he say it was “owndly gaaarjess”? https://t.co/NaHHYVIHnQsometimes. you have to cross your paws. and let everyone know. you’re feeling fancy
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes✨LAST ORDERS FOLKS✨ Today is the very last day you can preorder a special hardback edition of my book or get a sig… https://t.co/fLri1X6oOJI’ve got the lurgy. Send dog photos.17 films by and about women that we're excited to see at @sundancefest: https://t.co/n6M4VpbBDI #Sundance https://t.co/Px6fVObjlA
Retweeted by Hazel HayesLAST CALL! https://t.co/N4fLzGUguOIf only we could apply the same logic to people. Maybe even put little signs up outside their homes saying ‘This Hu… https://t.co/PP00d04JxiYour daily dose of joy. https://t.co/pOTbeGplzs @Kathbum Sorry, no.GUINAN! https://t.co/ElyVYmy2W0
1/23
2020
things are getting crazy out here https://t.co/3EQ2mHB6LI
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes
1/22
2020
I JUST GOT QUITE DRUNK AND WATCHED THE LIGHTHOUSE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! https://t.co/6evF2deDLQOh this is just fabulous. Oh my. https://t.co/PprOuWnQCV
1/21
2020
HE USED TO BE HOT BECAUSE HE TOOK HIS TOP OFF NOW HE IS HOT BECAUSE HE TAKES HIS EMOTIONAL GUARD DOWN. https://t.co/yhyQ3xYb5X
Retweeted by Hazel Hayesthe second i hear you say “my family group chat” i know we have little in common
Retweeted by Hazel HayesWhy'd ya spill yer beans?
Retweeted by Hazel HayesNIAMH: Minister, you know the way sometimes some people have less money than others VARADKAR: *licking a giant oversized lollipop* No
Retweeted by Hazel HayesWow. https://t.co/ssIM90pfn0Wow. This is...wow. https://t.co/UaYYvQcLGJ
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @tyleroakley @millselle I second this motionMe: [dazed] What happened? Doc: There's been an accident. How many fingers am I holding up? Me: Umm..13? what the- Doc: 3 of these are yours
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @WeeMissBea @bronactitley Safe to say we’re all thinking about Brona’s vag now.Please R/T ❤️To help our cerebral palsy warrior Rory progress with his wish to walk 💪🏼💚👨🏻‍🦽We have 47 no’s for this… https://t.co/NlMcpoKk17
Retweeted by Hazel HayesWhen you're trying to end an argument, but your bird won't let you. 🔊 (🎥: Imgur user MrPuckett) https://t.co/KXYTv3Olq3
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @bronactitley @WeeMissBea Wow that’s huge! Not your vagina. The fact that it inspired the tweet. I could stop typing at any time...Excellent work from Paul Rudd https://t.co/cV4MT2P5NT
Retweeted by Hazel HayesThe Irishman https://t.co/bjiBUp9pTO
Retweeted by Hazel Hayeshttps://t.co/xSNue59v6a https://t.co/z4Bff8fs6DI love being a writer except when I have a thing I have to write
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @WeeMissBea And yet here we are, forcing full size babies out our holes. Shockin.I spend a lot of time trying to believe that people are just stupid and not actually evil. But they make it difficu… https://t.co/Asu7dhY0cE @WeeMissBea This tweet took a turn I did not expectTwelve angry men isn’t that many https://t.co/U1vqS9PD2y
Retweeted by Hazel HayesIf you want to make sure you get your hands on a special edition, or even signed, copy of #OutOfLove, the debut nov… https://t.co/TfYdGp47tW
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @mikeshappyplace Just a little joke.And since depression isn’t worse on any one particular day, and since it can actually be a horrid, pervasive thing… https://t.co/nQIcNdwkx8The bad news is #BlueMonday isn’t a real thing... it’s a marketing ploy based in pseudoscience created by a travel… https://t.co/VBY8A3UCNbEverything reminds me of him ... https://t.co/yh78ulFkFs
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @matthaig1 Big mood.A word from Louise Erdrich: You are here to be swallowed up. https://t.co/C9WIRo5FSX
Retweeted by Hazel HayesJudi Dench making the Jellicle Choice in the first version of Cats (2019): https://t.co/y0bcWmOQ51
Retweeted by Hazel HayesStarting a support group for people who have just seen this photo. I am here for you. And I relate. https://t.co/Xe2OkLxuZq
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes
1/20
2020
“I cannot sanction your buffoonery” is getting adding to my vocabulary https://t.co/OzlJgknYU8
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @doddleoddle Yeah. Ok. We’re here now.The universe owes me a nice thing. @KatieSaraK Oh my god it is!!!Brb. Imagining an infinite bowl of beef and chicken. https://t.co/nGugQEE5qiHad me some good old fashioned sleep paralysis the other night. Mixed with a super fun hallucination of a MASSIVE S… https://t.co/DFLymo5NRnThe perfect character backstory doesn't exi- https://t.co/CLru7RBxHQ
Retweeted by Hazel HayesPaterson is a very lovely film. That’s it that’s the tweet.Feels cute. Might watch this weekend. https://t.co/dTkqTtU749
Retweeted by Hazel Hayeswhen a kid is like “don’t say your wish out loud or it won’t come true” I’m like little pal live to be as old as me… https://t.co/U41TCudiZj
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes
1/18
2020
Third viewing of 1917. This time in IMAX. Still bloody brilliant. I have some thoughts. Just need a glass of wine f… https://t.co/yeGPSPECkC @hankgreen A beefy carrot? Yes, sir!HECK YES KID! https://t.co/LsWgBIeOu4Dear god that is an impressive list. I’m gonna need to see this, aren’t I? https://t.co/FzeNcUVeBJme staggering through Soho https://t.co/UlMeEXIrm1
Retweeted by Hazel HayesI find this guy very funny. That’s all. https://t.co/eJrYjINB1IThis remains one of the clearest and most elegant representations of what ‘privilege’ means. For anyone who feels… https://t.co/uWw33gmZua
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes
1/17
2020
I JUST GOT IMPEACHED FOR MAKING A PERFECT PHONE CALL! https://t.co/nRup1nAPeQyour move, Westlife. https://t.co/zhacKn4QJI
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes @edenwtrs @benjamin_cook same energy tbh https://t.co/fzRH21CBV6coincidentally this is also the title of my forthcoming children’s bookthe happiest little nerd https://t.co/BcUwkzthbchttps://t.co/gciNFBIzRB https://t.co/9zowwhHMaXthe episode where Janeway and Paris get it on after turning into lizards is actually really good https://t.co/Cra9Dgyp5d
Retweeted by Hazel Hayes“He loves to love” And we love to see it, folks. https://t.co/S8lGscARqSSometimes it’s hard being an ambitious person in the body of a person who loves taking naps
Retweeted by Hazel HayesBody of Christ... https://t.co/rkMhCcnbQfMost people need love and acceptance a lot more than they need advice.
Retweeted by Hazel HayesOuch. https://t.co/HEXx4C4bj6Goth Romulans are my kink now. I won’t be taking any questions at this time. https://t.co/NjEY5hxGqW
1/16
2020

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