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Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk https://t.co/aHw2lqoOlL https://t.co/8yjh2ddqlV.@TuckerCarlson: "This is nothing more than a Soviet-style democratic election." https://t.co/6jq9LXXXa9Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes… https://t.co/tLcapefkJfVisit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed to see more from the standard bearer of global journalism. https://t.co/n8s1jyVvJuFamily Knows Better Than To Fall For Mom’s Little Bullshit Speech About No Presents This Year… https://t.co/XTeleUngrfAccording to sources, area man Michael Perez had gone on the hike to blow off steam and finally found the willpower… https://t.co/8ru6sDiBrYDisciplinarian Parent Annoying Restaurant Much More Than Unruly Toddler Ever Could https://t.co/u8bkVFaFVs https://t.co/fwtBctuUyQ5 Things To Know About ‘Jumanji: The Next Level’ https://t.co/4FbR4irQrx https://t.co/hkNnIcBJKe
12/13
2019
‘Well Spoken, My Good Fellow, But Let Me Retort,’ Says Congressman Engaged In Probing, High-Minded Debate On Facts… https://t.co/n0YgDtEsC6"Hark, young fuzzy one! Come forth and be born of tears and bile." https://t.co/NLBI0spQVkGordon Hayward Confident He Still Has His Most Gruesome Injuries Ahead Of Him https://t.co/1paHXahTBO https://t.co/nGFleCNJclLas Vegas Residents Worried That Proposed Construction Of New Casino In Town Will Bring In Riff-Raff… https://t.co/4PDhkJAj7SPoll: Trump Leads Top 2020 Democrats In Iowa https://t.co/MVmmktrXix #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/az8QLTIuAaMelania Trump: ‘My Fat Piece-Of-Shit Husband Who Should Go Kill Himself Needs To Stop Bullying People Online’… https://t.co/CuXOX7rDi8Fox News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President… https://t.co/uYC240ZcoGHiker Trapped For Days Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail https://t.co/xxBtIbvRwf https://t.co/CYhiDluWHQ"I’m sure all you smart little boys and girls know, jet fuel burns at 1,500 degrees, tops. My darlings, you’d need… https://t.co/7mkbkEg6ELMan Relaxing His Overwhelming Anxiety For Just A Moment Finally Gives Pack Of Coyotes The Opening They Need… https://t.co/QCgHIxC2Mh10 Best Places To Raise A Family https://t.co/PwtOAC3kek https://t.co/Nkpu9gicjsNew ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet… https://t.co/SkePKD7vnjNYC Buildings To Require Bird-Friendly Glass https://t.co/2DY0S0KXFO #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/gf1ngm44JRGraco Recalls 75,000 Infant Car Ejection Seats https://t.co/rMHfp0I66K https://t.co/JWw7Hc4SoMSad: The Elderly Dutch Man Who Inspired The ‘X’ Button On The PlayStation Controller Has Passed Away… https://t.co/Q0zjuSfRMPSecret Santa Seems To Think You A Big 'Laverne & Shirley' Fan https://t.co/r6B4ybPLIa https://t.co/s6LzTfgrj8Scarf Tragically Lost In 15-Coat Pile-Up https://t.co/4FfF0X87su https://t.co/LrgOeHgwh5Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario… https://t.co/KU7CfvVDTpCharmin Introduces New Disposable Toilet Paper https://t.co/BRgHmbkxw3 https://t.co/GqR2PjPVivWhite Castle Bathroom Stall Celebrates 5th Conception https://t.co/dO9pCa6PGz https://t.co/jeGV0y7zET"Maybe this little hussy ought to spend more time in the remains of what was once a high school choosing which infa… https://t.co/Emyvcb9jAoGrandmother Down To 10-Step Radius Around Recliner In Den https://t.co/tMfuNyqWmt https://t.co/tWmrkF4QKM"Some days, it can be hard to even start jangling this knobby stick at villagers in the market square while screech… https://t.co/32xhxdcZX1Nation Finally Stands Far Enough Away From Jackson Pollock Painting To Realize It Realistic Still Life Of Fruit… https://t.co/Q973Q3oZH0Shoe From Goodwill Still Has Foot In It https://t.co/19FOZfAx2y https://t.co/rCKKes2f1M
Retweeted by The Onion
12/12
2019
Hero Shop Saves Hundreds From Hunger https://t.co/vJb1XhL70d https://t.co/wKY4RxyEY7Merriam-Webster Names ‘They’ Word Of The Year https://t.co/vRWTFy5jAC #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/HK9EmjFSiFCompany’s Holiday Party Moves Up Timeline For Bankruptcy By 4 Months https://t.co/2dy3gekKwo https://t.co/YJJfKeG1KdFor the latest from the world’s most unstoppable media juggernaut, visit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed. https://t.co/38Kf2zSnhoBroken Ornament Relegated To Lonely Existence On Side Of Tree Facing Wall https://t.co/lrBvGei14U https://t.co/I3hFLsdRvbDemocrats Unveil Articles Of Impeachment https://t.co/skzUEVBsJO #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/heYqiNfYtFCritics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy Foragers… https://t.co/qIoOJoQ8jRBiggest Revelations Of The Inspector General’s Report On The Russia Investigation https://t.co/xn26QRk9u9 https://t.co/oLWXE61MTEPros And Cons Of Social Media Banning Political Ads https://t.co/tWASvQQk2L https://t.co/tHxodCL22a"Though we mere carbon-based organic beings may be woefully inferior, our offspring, the robots, will be our legacy… https://t.co/mWDeT9MqMCGod Recounts Torrid Affair With Michelangelo That Began When Posing For Sistine Chapel Fresco… https://t.co/tbTyRoB3iqTown Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die… https://t.co/Yp9fEYtCZ2Gamers Behold: The One The Texts Predicted, Who Will Unite The Gamer Tribes And Crush Our Enemies Underfoot, Has Be… https://t.co/orPHxquWZyShoe From Goodwill Still Has Foot In It https://t.co/19FOZfAx2y https://t.co/rCKKes2f1MProgressive Zoo Houses Animals In Natural Destroyed Habitat https://t.co/Gd3pACJNRt https://t.co/lbEtCmSVqoArea Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn https://t.co/HHRJiBMROx https://t.co/wdvcuh2XfaStupid 16-Year-Old Completely Wasting Adderall Prescription On Mental Health https://t.co/VqZr8LxckE https://t.co/pxjVNEYO6oRevlon Releases New Functionless Translucent Gel For Women Who Don’t Need Makeup https://t.co/IjkOWe1blz https://t.co/SYzxH51plGReport: Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time https://t.co/rpeyQKCna7 https://t.co/J5elSMmLlEFrom The Archives: This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Ameri… https://t.co/ZvLnFPX2HlCity Of Chicago Working Around Clock To Clear 18 Inches Of Bullet Casings From Streets https://t.co/Rw811bZwzG https://t.co/jqvE59FrlvTo see more unmatched reporting, visit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed.Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea https://t.co/yBpo6bWQKp https://t.co/m0W94rMvNT
12/11
2019
It Only Tuesday https://t.co/dDDKbPJvm3 https://t.co/XFwBfKljACAmerican Public Misled For Years About War In Afghanistan https://t.co/y1ckAyW6ZC #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/JqNsyQjgYIConfiscated Patriots Videotapes Contain Extensive Footage Of Tom Brady Showering https://t.co/UDOzw1yzBR https://t.co/dseRZG66bgFans Celebrate Vanna White’s First Show As Guest Wheel https://t.co/HESW1jg3oU https://t.co/qjov6nM9sgArea Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park https://t.co/rE5u5HtXgW https://t.co/QV0pT7jmox5 Things To Know About ‘Uncut Gems’ https://t.co/B1vJYOfVT1On This Day In History: December 10, 1936 https://t.co/8msYI5YJj1 https://t.co/Nky4KQFpQ2IG Report Finds Errors But No Anti-Trump Plot In Russia Investigation https://t.co/wd6kILUFcb #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/bSt9VQKzKhThis Week's Editorial Cartoon: “Stocking” Up https://t.co/NlB34etGsV https://t.co/VgycHg9VJS8 Most Popular College Majors https://t.co/DVk5UgvyWu https://t.co/nBAnNGcrzhNational Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order… https://t.co/OTtAxKs6FaYour Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2019 https://t.co/7h6putMWKy https://t.co/1ZiMUWQxcwReport: You Live In An Embarrassing Country https://t.co/86TGBxgZLc https://t.co/RucCtNh4HQResearchers Publish List Of Ways Animals Can Help Fight Climate Change https://t.co/JkQWu2av4u https://t.co/uXIz9PkP68This Hotel A Goddamn Maze, Reports Father https://t.co/XI8HMy9n6w https://t.co/F9h5maaYfCRadio Station Playing Controversial ‘Little Drummer Boy’ On Repeat In Defiance Of Those Who Claim It Contains Sexua… https://t.co/UgEfG9Kn33Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair https://t.co/VcPQCuv8lN https://t.co/RJKbczvyHY"Let this be a reminder to you that I am faithful, that I am resolute, and that you should never again doubt the co… https://t.co/dH5uvvCETOLoss Of Cat Child's First Real Experience With Death, Killing https://t.co/6NQgAhJkwY https://t.co/8cIXpnRCqB"You could maybe argue it has a passing resemblance from some angles, but seriously, that would be quite a stretch." https://t.co/YTC0nSHru0Good Charlotte Recording 10 New Songs To Be Played At Low Volume In P.F. Chang’s https://t.co/x1VQfRjh76 https://t.co/zn4ypLpOwl
12/10
2019
"Given his unparalleled background in this sector, I am pleased to have Hunter Biden joining the Energy Department… https://t.co/lJ6GXiMUYIZoologists Discover New Fastest Land Animal After Pumping White-Tailed Deer Full Of Steroids https://t.co/7RuNalv6ik https://t.co/57I2d87DN3Comey: ‘What Can I Say, I’m Just A Catty Bitch From New Jersey And I Live For Drama’ https://t.co/cIONX3y0O1 https://t.co/dd7IFPwwyCRussian Olympic Program Denies Steroids Played Role In 8-Year-Old Gymnast Hurling Balance Beam Through Wall To Esca… https://t.co/vyFAcMFOihApologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty… https://t.co/f9OEmoRrxZFor more exemplary journalism, visit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed. https://t.co/3JKTbXWeKzBrowns Encourage Dissatisfied Fans To At Least Stick It Out Until End Of Season https://t.co/xRvf7SOJ00 https://t.co/kc3NL0Hrjt"When we’re all gathered around the Christmas tree, I’m going to be sweating bullets while he unwraps some bootleg… https://t.co/arqCUsJtpDSo-Called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Looks Nothing Like Him https://t.co/mypEyPuRzn https://t.co/PgeyY9KRM2Massive Pro-Democracy Protest Rocks Hong Kong https://t.co/RvRMAtIIIk #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/PxDZov1gW3Trump Offers Hunter Biden Job In Energy Department Based On Oil Industry Experience https://t.co/aFW5l4nvQ6 https://t.co/6uU06DVk5kBest PS4 Games Out Right Now https://t.co/JpcHIAiehr https://t.co/vu3zCwCdpzAntiques Shop Owner Only Thousands Of Sales Away From Avoiding Bankruptcy https://t.co/LTesMeqJzK https://t.co/QoiScDs2WFLearned Coworker Always Has Heard Good Things About Whatever Piece Of Media Being Discussed https://t.co/oVqkJfd7sH https://t.co/yPBgESwhEBThe Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2019 https://t.co/PVt297DSqp https://t.co/QbJUof2190Fourth Verse Of Christmas Carol Gets Super Religious https://t.co/oXaqscHUPC https://t.co/PpnLU8wAP3Mom Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like https://t.co/47unGfIoBf https://t.co/3cA0LeeAgtL.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars https://t.co/h1UnUgY7s4 https://t.co/q4TyWsEUlvSchool Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek https://t.co/aSgzNDZ0kR https://t.co/dsPUBBcrQ2Sonny Perdue Argues Food Stamp Cuts Will Incentivize People To Get Exploitative Jobs That Won’t Exist In 5 Years… https://t.co/1as2ADqTSkBoris Johnson Worried Anti-Semitism Accusations Against Labour Party Will Hurt Tories’ Hold On Bigot Vote… https://t.co/I3gvi7dvYOPope Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures https://t.co/QXGVWRd8RA https://t.co/hQM0oApTaL
12/9
2019
Jilted Trump Announces Formation Of Cooler, Way More Powerful NATO With His New Best Friends Oman, Macedonia, And S… https://t.co/H1wcMTVwzm
12/8
2019

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