Sign in with Twitter


America's Finest News Source.

14 Following   11,371,191 Followers   72,013 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/4/08

Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk "This is nothing more than a Soviet-style democratic election." Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes… to see more from the standard bearer of global journalism. Knows Better Than To Fall For Mom’s Little Bullshit Speech About No Presents This Year… to sources, area man Michael Perez had gone on the hike to blow off steam and finally found the willpower… Parent Annoying Restaurant Much More Than Unruly Toddler Ever Could Things To Know About ‘Jumanji: The Next Level’
‘Well Spoken, My Good Fellow, But Let Me Retort,’ Says Congressman Engaged In Probing, High-Minded Debate On Facts…"Hark, young fuzzy one! Come forth and be born of tears and bile." Hayward Confident He Still Has His Most Gruesome Injuries Ahead Of Him Vegas Residents Worried That Proposed Construction Of New Casino In Town Will Bring In Riff-Raff… Trump Leads Top 2020 Democrats In Iowa #WhatDoYouThink? Trump: ‘My Fat Piece-Of-Shit Husband Who Should Go Kill Himself Needs To Stop Bullying People Online’… News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President… Trapped For Days Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail"I’m sure all you smart little boys and girls know, jet fuel burns at 1,500 degrees, tops. My darlings, you’d need… Relaxing His Overwhelming Anxiety For Just A Moment Finally Gives Pack Of Coyotes The Opening They Need… Best Places To Raise A Family ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet… Buildings To Require Bird-Friendly Glass #WhatDoYouThink? Recalls 75,000 Infant Car Ejection Seats The Elderly Dutch Man Who Inspired The ‘X’ Button On The PlayStation Controller Has Passed Away… Santa Seems To Think You A Big 'Laverne & Shirley' Fan Tragically Lost In 15-Coat Pile-Up Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario… Introduces New Disposable Toilet Paper Castle Bathroom Stall Celebrates 5th Conception"Maybe this little hussy ought to spend more time in the remains of what was once a high school choosing which infa… Down To 10-Step Radius Around Recliner In Den"Some days, it can be hard to even start jangling this knobby stick at villagers in the market square while screech… Finally Stands Far Enough Away From Jackson Pollock Painting To Realize It Realistic Still Life Of Fruit… From Goodwill Still Has Foot In It
Retweeted by The Onion
Hero Shop Saves Hundreds From Hunger Names ‘They’ Word Of The Year #WhatDoYouThink?’s Holiday Party Moves Up Timeline For Bankruptcy By 4 Months the latest from the world’s most unstoppable media juggernaut, visit Ornament Relegated To Lonely Existence On Side Of Tree Facing Wall Unveil Articles Of Impeachment #WhatDoYouThink? In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy Foragers… Revelations Of The Inspector General’s Report On The Russia Investigation And Cons Of Social Media Banning Political Ads"Though we mere carbon-based organic beings may be woefully inferior, our offspring, the robots, will be our legacy… Recounts Torrid Affair With Michelangelo That Began When Posing For Sistine Chapel Fresco… Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die… Behold: The One The Texts Predicted, Who Will Unite The Gamer Tribes And Crush Our Enemies Underfoot, Has Be… From Goodwill Still Has Foot In It Zoo Houses Animals In Natural Destroyed Habitat Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn 16-Year-Old Completely Wasting Adderall Prescription On Mental Health Releases New Functionless Translucent Gel For Women Who Don’t Need Makeup Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time The Archives: This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Ameri… Of Chicago Working Around Clock To Clear 18 Inches Of Bullet Casings From Streets see more unmatched reporting, visit Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea
It Only Tuesday Public Misled For Years About War In Afghanistan #WhatDoYouThink? Patriots Videotapes Contain Extensive Footage Of Tom Brady Showering Celebrate Vanna White’s First Show As Guest Wheel Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park Things To Know About ‘Uncut Gems’ This Day In History: December 10, 1936 Report Finds Errors But No Anti-Trump Plot In Russia Investigation #WhatDoYouThink? Week's Editorial Cartoon: “Stocking” Up Most Popular College Majors Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order… Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2019 You Live In An Embarrassing Country Publish List Of Ways Animals Can Help Fight Climate Change Hotel A Goddamn Maze, Reports Father Station Playing Controversial ‘Little Drummer Boy’ On Repeat In Defiance Of Those Who Claim It Contains Sexua… Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair"Let this be a reminder to you that I am faithful, that I am resolute, and that you should never again doubt the co… Of Cat Child's First Real Experience With Death, Killing"You could maybe argue it has a passing resemblance from some angles, but seriously, that would be quite a stretch." Charlotte Recording 10 New Songs To Be Played At Low Volume In P.F. Chang’s
"Given his unparalleled background in this sector, I am pleased to have Hunter Biden joining the Energy Department… Discover New Fastest Land Animal After Pumping White-Tailed Deer Full Of Steroids ‘What Can I Say, I’m Just A Catty Bitch From New Jersey And I Live For Drama’ Olympic Program Denies Steroids Played Role In 8-Year-Old Gymnast Hurling Balance Beam Through Wall To Esca… Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty… more exemplary journalism, visit Encourage Dissatisfied Fans To At Least Stick It Out Until End Of Season"When we’re all gathered around the Christmas tree, I’m going to be sweating bullets while he unwraps some bootleg… Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Looks Nothing Like Him Pro-Democracy Protest Rocks Hong Kong #WhatDoYouThink? Offers Hunter Biden Job In Energy Department Based On Oil Industry Experience PS4 Games Out Right Now Shop Owner Only Thousands Of Sales Away From Avoiding Bankruptcy Coworker Always Has Heard Good Things About Whatever Piece Of Media Being Discussed Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2019 Verse Of Christmas Carol Gets Super Religious Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek Perdue Argues Food Stamp Cuts Will Incentivize People To Get Exploitative Jobs That Won’t Exist In 5 Years… Johnson Worried Anti-Semitism Accusations Against Labour Party Will Hurt Tories’ Hold On Bigot Vote… Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures
Jilted Trump Announces Formation Of Cooler, Way More Powerful NATO With His New Best Friends Oman, Macedonia, And S…