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Fly Thinks Back Fondly On Time It Got To Perch On Popsicle Stick For Few Seconds https://t.co/WKmeYqdpGi https://t.co/wfzL7IQNnI
8/10
2020
Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For 6 More Months https://t.co/vXhKb3zm53 https://t.co/uTwkJbQGTPResearchers Warn Coronavirus May Use Propeller Hat To Stay Airborne https://t.co/jXNyieMQzm https://t.co/fLqjQKxebYTrump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties https://t.co/UTpVWG7FOx https://t.co/whT4emdzG4FBI Agent Desperately Trying To Remember Why They Have File On Eugene Levy Again https://t.co/c6cSJnbxBp https://t.co/8Bfnn2YHxjVacuous Fool Using ‘Wicker’ And ‘Rattan’ Interchangeably https://t.co/BkBKIOCMfZ https://t.co/Qjoa1skVF1Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever… https://t.co/0iawZJmIKv
8/9
2020
Long overdue reforms are finally coming to the nation’s fictional police forces. https://t.co/Fh4Y0XMBfcMYTH: Your brain is inactive during sleep. FACT: Your brain uses those precious hours to pursue its own interests… https://t.co/Wd6zzuRtQG‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Re… https://t.co/urdUgDm8TVSo-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s Drunk https://t.co/8z1PT6lkUx https://t.co/fy7p8njtL7If you have a question you’d like to submit to The Topical, just use the #LesliesMailSack or get it tattooed on you… https://t.co/pGWxeBzR9BFreshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience… https://t.co/9GwwKozzg6Study Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List Celebrity https://t.co/I3C81pWIUP https://t.co/TmrjIQlTG4For more world-renowned reportage, visit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed. https://t.co/KcomA93urU5 Things To Know About Instagram Reels https://t.co/IAn5jPbF33MLB Announces Players Will Now Be Quarantined For 14 Days Between Bases https://t.co/XphwxBXKsH https://t.co/WlX4nfFA5UTikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids https://t.co/8BBZITsU9W https://t.co/0ZX0Zi5dyf
8/8
2020
Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It https://t.co/EYHoD5dSxd https://t.co/CtMQDMTFf8Where income goes to become disposable. Shop the Onion Store today. https://t.co/dCKnbXDyMm https://t.co/8BAYa2NOKlLipstick-Covered Water Bottle Clearly Got Some Action Last Night https://t.co/Ae7gVENP7G https://t.co/Sqrt9B7zZpToday on The Topical: https://t.co/daRG94NAcV https://t.co/PWhbmBRajANew York Attorney General Files Suit To Dissolve NRA https://t.co/ptJy4pGDLF #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/Ehp0lUPGphDow Skyrockets After Coronavirus Begins Trading On New York Stock Exchange https://t.co/P5C0oWeaaU https://t.co/larv9XGWGBMan With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others… https://t.co/3gWTK8cfe0New Smoke Detector Only Alerts You If You’ve Got Decent Shot Of Getting Out Alive https://t.co/RkFu5MQEWp https://t.co/PpFSJmm62NThe Onion’s Guide To QAnon https://t.co/3yECuoOs2j https://t.co/5EngnnYlhvCardboard Fan In Stable Condition After Being Hit By Foul Ball https://t.co/0t0s6ekTmo https://t.co/3AGErb9FtdFrom The Archives: George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost Of Iraqi Child That Follows Him Ever… https://t.co/8TcFlUcvvXDon’t forget to subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcasts. Otherwise host Leslie Price will get furlo… https://t.co/hironCJ7Hf‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat… https://t.co/uM1SgqySjdNASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun https://t.co/daRG94NAcV https://t.co/V05nHvE7klThe Greatest NBA Teams Of All Time https://t.co/hjyFX9sOTA https://t.co/66iW9F3KMnGrocery Prices Spike During Pandemic https://t.co/oRCCRPid2x #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/QJs2Fp7PGpOlder Cousin Thinks It About Time To Have Uninformed Sex Talk With Area 8-Year-Old https://t.co/YkRlCnCkhg https://t.co/y9aKV2KtHGOn today's episode of The Topical, hear why the future of this podcast could depend on locking each one of our empl… https://t.co/P0HpOxMwEVOn This Day In History: https://t.co/BrUia5A0bn https://t.co/KcPqu2PWpPVisit https://t.co/lQBnFVjQ3L to see more from the standard bearer of global journalism. https://t.co/xgoa5JUMWICash-Strapped NRA Forced To Shoot Dozens Of Redundant Employees https://t.co/fRGgX8VXcl https://t.co/LuK4jhTvToFacebook Launches TikTok Competitor https://t.co/b0ALCbIRrV #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/xCFDR5njsX
8/7
2020
Timeline Of Mars Explorations https://t.co/Qv5xq0FerFEnable your crippling caffeine addiction with this awesome mug. https://t.co/3GgS2rV1fe https://t.co/IvX5NUwxJbNRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint https://t.co/jbHt0kqNbT https://t.co/5IPXAV4D6GThis Week's Onion Magazine: https://t.co/XVbWEUSnDlFrom The Archives: https://t.co/cTqTEvufAGU.S. Officials Hurt Saudi Arabia Would Try To Develop Nuclear Weapon Rather Than Asking Nicely For One… https://t.co/cJujBpKzH0Depressed Michelle Obama Purchases Copy Of ‘Becoming’ To Inspire Her https://t.co/hJuijLfgk3 https://t.co/6H4dGSOqOzAching Desire For One True Love Separated By Fate Still No Match For A Good Porkin’ https://t.co/utsSI90si9 https://t.co/X03fFw72wyOrkin Introduces New Extinction Service For Eliminating Pesky Animal Species https://t.co/NPdrXRFlus https://t.co/MYjkYf0T9DMinneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social Workers… https://t.co/k3LW7YtBN2Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security… https://t.co/BJ54TDjLCsDisney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness https://t.co/Cw3jrSjM9d https://t.co/mbONaQCntsKid With Coronavirus Gets Classmates To Sign His Lungs https://t.co/vl1IFWSF7G https://t.co/1MvPMiWzWTFormer Spanish King Goes Into Exile https://t.co/BrE8FAAOgr #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/zonhGaDcWRMan Struggling To Pierce Orange Peel With Fingernail Under Impression He Could Kill If He Had To… https://t.co/JwUgwjK5mQPerverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents https://t.co/86pbBdWgZy https://t.co/CAvNubG7srUConn Students Mourn Cancelled Football Season With Candlelight Tailgate https://t.co/EY0rlSGqDp https://t.co/WbwAg0WxkYTwitter Bans 7,000 Hate Accounts That Were A Little Too On The Nose https://t.co/hr9rr003SU https://t.co/FKeedSKDoA
8/6
2020
For the latest from the world’s most unstoppable media juggernaut, visit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed. https://t.co/bE3g8OzEku2020 Census Count To End One Month Early https://t.co/srXACP04l8 #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/mgkbbodTU6On This Day In History: August 5, 1914 https://t.co/WQz4Z6bsTc https://t.co/136YYR7qGADon Henley Sues Both Presidential Campaigns For Not Using ‘Boys Of Summer’ https://t.co/4KZqbq39LX https://t.co/8YILUdSTD4"When you’re actually there in the room with him, you’re lucky if you’re able to squeak out even a weak ‘hummina hummina hummina.’”Herbalife Launches Sampler Kit Into Deep Space To Share Once-In-A-Lifetime Business Opportunity With Alien Civiliza… https://t.co/QijyrtKJVOCouple Spices Up Love Life By Adding Sex Into Relationship https://t.co/ywQuzukeOq https://t.co/BkLNSROY8OD.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw Animal Magnetis… https://t.co/GisnHwQJLEDesperate Trump Campaign Strategists Wondering How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Americans’ Fear Of Dentists… https://t.co/5ldrd5HPMSHow To Save The World’s Melting Sea Ice https://t.co/iI9gVyFCaS https://t.co/uNKWjHORlFEvidence Shows National Weather Service Failed To Stop Devastating Storm Despite Having Advance Warning… https://t.co/spBHzk9ow7Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement… https://t.co/75IsEn4bCATree Loses Limb In Freak Chainsaw Accident https://t.co/746QoDOU4V https://t.co/3BBk8WC2ODFDA Expands List Of Dangerous Hand Sanitizers https://t.co/EOfOm3M9Mx #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/tmdUD4ideFReport: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything https://t.co/nioZe5g4kw https://t.co/15hGCsfLZRTo see more unmatched reporting, visit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed. https://t.co/Un7z4wCfrHFrustrated Nation Calls For Updated Zip-Line Infrastructure https://t.co/ToyGbCwsBZ https://t.co/VM2TcOPeBiHow 2020 Candidates Are Reaching Young Voters https://t.co/ssfNbGrkiVFlorida Teenager Faces 30 Charges For Alleged Twitter Hack https://t.co/PCI2rv54TZ #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/1YZXPoEAGy
8/5
2020
More Chickens Delaying Egg Release To Focus On Their Careers, Which Happens To Be Releasing Eggs… https://t.co/l11zcRifX5Consumer Reports has rated the Onion Store the #1 place to buy Onion merch in America. https://t.co/RLqLbDAMvA https://t.co/OHeBdLgn11City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over https://t.co/ylH8CLa0RW https://t.co/2qnNb5hclC‘Finally, Sports Are Back,’ Says Gambling Addict About To Lose $2,000 On Parlays https://t.co/zDEdovDsXc https://t.co/Finn2UwmTFRelieved Trump Administration Thankful To Finally Get Easy, Run-Of-The-Mill Hurricane Response To Fuck Up… https://t.co/xr3PHiiGQoDeal Alert: Kill This Man With Your Bare Hands And We Will Give You A Copy Of ‘Brute Force’ For Xbox… https://t.co/0s6a3DFvyM
Retweeted by The OnionVirtuoso Consumer Flawlessly Exchanges Currency For Goods https://t.co/3yFenTERPO https://t.co/a0xwCV9DUVCold, Distant Boyfriend Finally Opens Up About How Horny He Is https://t.co/COh9VMpsDH https://t.co/DCz6eJwTdJThis Week's Editorial Cartoon: https://t.co/UFSkkrnTYwFBI Uncovers Plot Where JFK Was Buried https://t.co/mIz0oiJoEu https://t.co/R2WIiMYGitNASA Astronauts Splash Down In Gulf Of Mexico https://t.co/k2WaDPIiFI #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/mHyTWrwzNPNation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People… https://t.co/4IL7PPu5FVNumber-One Cause Of Domestic Violence Needs A Gun To Protect His Family https://t.co/GaPm5dfcyv https://t.co/rr1GGqjrXWLeo: Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. Remind them of this fact at every possible opportunity. https://t.co/4lWL8d21SXManager Slits Own Throat After Realizing Some Members Of Company Not On Same Page https://t.co/R0ZbbyJLoK https://t.co/os4P8y9zVEArea Spoon Only Rinsed For Past 18 Months https://t.co/CNQAdFQQWr https://t.co/wtGjNDfNWLReport Finds Poor Often Hit Hardest By 18-Wheelers https://t.co/Wbj30lNztR https://t.co/oa9OYW7PgMFor more exemplary journalism, visit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed. https://t.co/fDvJPuEh9H
8/4
2020
Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It https://t.co/EfpsFAlMhV https://t.co/aUf73ugAwyNew Evidence Shows Sperm Swim ‘Like Playful Otters’ https://t.co/HqaCycIeRm #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/kesbgV6YdNMore Cities Offering Drive-Through Covid Injection Sites To Put Citizens Out Of Misery https://t.co/VvQcGduzX8 https://t.co/CFXav5kgxvFans Stunned After Adele Shares Photo Of Her Newly Molted Body https://t.co/TxbcBj3jZI https://t.co/PlXyi6uBGjRon DeSantis Cuts Phone Line Outside Nursing Home So No One Can Report Coronavirus Data https://t.co/56l3Jo0xHb https://t.co/ZbjzybtXNa
8/3
2020

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