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Writer, actor, comic. Coach Fairbell from 'Those Who Can't' on TruTV. Husky Butler. Baseball Nut. My comedy album 'Hit the Dick Lights' is on iTunes!

586 Following   8,683 Followers   15,808 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/27/09


@AmberTozer Look at you saying crisps now. You've changed. @JohnReidy303 Good I was hoping to get a Bridich autograph on my roll of dog shit bags @DadBeard Omg is that Little Dad? @LunchWithDaniel @benroy00 @GrawlixComedy @979theratrace Thanks dude!DENVER! I'm doing two shows tomorrow at the Comedy Lounge downtown AND even better dogs are allowed in the show (so… https://t.co/ydsxuhzSxK @VaguelyFunnyDan I hate that shit so much. The only cool car safety gadget is the backup camera. All that other shi… https://t.co/TjEq353qm4
1/24
2020
Hats off to Sherwin-Williams paints for their terrifying, super villain-caliber marketing scheme that they brazenly… https://t.co/2kv6byOwncThe internet is good again https://t.co/F6KbQRi6Hp
Retweeted by Andrew O. @reachrachelkahn @sannewman What job is this so I can never give them a dime1917 was good but I was expecting to see more of the year.
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1/23
2020
JULES ATTACK https://t.co/2E8LELU25u
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1/22
2020
@nakednudesy There will always be bonus stuff sometimes even entire episodes on the Patreon. @nakednudesy Yep!The Patreon will allow us to pay our producer Ron, who busts his bony butt working hard on every episode. It will a… https://t.co/4XuiU35SRxIf you enjoyed last week's episode of The Grawlix Saves The World we will have a new one next week, but In the mean… https://t.co/bspTlD67f7Guess that thing about terrorists getting to hang out with 72 virgins isn’t a myth after all https://t.co/ogMlSARNae
Retweeted by Andrew O. @CaytonHolland @GrawlixComedy Getting ready to listen now. For anybody looking for the non-Apple link (took me a w… https://t.co/liUmcw5VPn
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1/21
2020
Grubhub, UberEats, InstaCart all sound like names of fat Autobots.
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1/20
2020
Charcuterie is just the French word for Lunchables
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1/19
2020
@CaytonHolland @standuplive @kylekinane Remember he prefers Kinane KonundrumThe three flavors of margarine. https://t.co/5nT0IDyoRS @Braunger I was so terrified of E.T! I remember we were at a drive-in movie and I was hiding behind the car seats,… https://t.co/hSN8oi3PCx @thosewhocantfan Thank youuuuuuuu
1/18
2020
@JohnReidy303 Hahaha aka "A restaurant you wouldn't eat at." @ericdadourian Actually in baseball there are apparently consequences for cheating and lying!Moderator: “Our next question is for all the candidates. Soren Bowie of California asks ‘Is there a position for yo… https://t.co/iIseTnqNuG
Retweeted by Andrew O.I just want to put it out there that I *am* available to manage the Astros or Mets.ONE MONTH until my album recording @HeliumComedyPdx! You can still get tickets at the link, and big thanks to… https://t.co/lkcmSckkTg @usedwigs @benroy00 @CaytonHolland Thanks dawg! @benroy00 @Gina_K92 @CaytonHolland I gawantee it.
1/16
2020
First Grawlix of 2020! January 25th! Featuring @AhmedBharoocha @DarthVaderploeg and @han_nah_e! Get tickets now! https://t.co/HQ2QPWKVvj
Retweeted by Andrew O.I just realized I had breakfast tacos this morning, Taco Bell for lunch, and tacos for dinner. I did it. I'm a cartoon rat now.
1/15
2020
@Acornayho @RazorLou @CaytonHolland @benroy00 You Aldrin @Acornayho @RazorLou @CaytonHolland @benroy00 You! @Acornayho @RazorLou @CaytonHolland @benroy00 You're in it! (Not by name but I think you'll catch it)It's finally here! We've been working on this podcast for awhile and I'm jazzled to finally share it! I immediately… https://t.co/HwBQuD2BKF
1/14
2020
Spoiler: She crushed me 25-1."Let's see who can spot 25 cigarette butts first!" -My daughter, really making the most of our shitty neighborhood.
1/11
2020
@brockwilbur Wow 100% what a murderer would sayWondering what this new Grawlix podcast is all about? Check out this little TEASER we made for you and subscribe so… https://t.co/x01asq8yOb
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1/10
2020
This microwave dinner I'm cooking suggests I make sure it's done by using a food thermometer aka poking it with my… https://t.co/ghjFkgHzHy! https://t.co/cn4nHROyAqAnd on the sax, Mr. Harvey Weinstein https://t.co/AlKzRxyIqp
Retweeted by Andrew O. @ZackBornstein HahahahhahahahOne downside to dungeon mastering more than actual social interaction is choosing the right voice when I do shit like buy groceries. @Confuscious5 @benroy00 Or just tweet at @hbomax !
1/9
2020
@blairsocci I can't believe there isn't a murder there daily. @KevinMcCaff Hahaha this sums up modern life pretty well. I like to imagine him using the picture-in-picture functi… https://t.co/JVGlxXbDdDWhew, thank goodness it only killed people. https://t.co/rMTWVuOjm8
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1/8
2020
In response to the considerable popularity of this design, we have made a poster version of it. Please put them up… https://t.co/1zjyKKE5zg
Retweeted by Andrew O.US: We want Iraq to have a democracy Iraq: [votes to remove US troops] US: No not like that
Retweeted by Andrew O.PORTLAND! I'm recording my new album @HeliumComedyPdx on February 16th! Grab tickets right here: https://t.co/iH2sRs57t3
1/6
2020
Little Women is good af yo. @ToeKneeSam Wow somebody's buzzed!2020 Comedy Goals: 1. Write everyday 2. Learn how to write 3. This was written by Geoff’s wife. I’m teaching him how to write.
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1/4
2020
@Bretontheradio hE kiLLEd THouSanDs Of aMerICanS eVeN tHOugH I CaN'T nAmE oNe leT aLOnE tHoUsaNDsPHILLY: Go see Adam @HeliumComedy this weekend while he uncovers remnants of his dangerous past! https://t.co/8AhfPWquDuWebsites blocked in mainland China https://t.co/9QCtHQBJcM https://t.co/qIGoa5UIci
Retweeted by Andrew O. @daveburdick Finally, a place to drink in central Denver!alexa, order more toothpaste rat I keep in an old soup tin: [angry chittering]
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1/3
2020
To be fair, they felt the same way about me after watching The Avengers.Ever since watching Togo my huskies have seemed like an extreme letdown. @pattymo Hahaha I just watched it and had the same thought. It would have been more subtle if the director had stor… https://t.co/Mn01hqY9uX
1/2
2020
"Retired clown John Wayne Gacey" https://t.co/7sE3gctDUm
Retweeted by Andrew O. @brockwilbur I'm playing the Tales from the Loop tabletop RPG and this would be right at home in that weird world.new years resolution already broken as i am once again swept up in a deadly game of seduction
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1/1
2019
The whole thing about Twitter is that you already told us everything you did for the last decade.
Retweeted by Andrew O.If baseball really wanted to get exciting, they'd let a celebrity throw the LAST pitch. Bases loaded, here's Danny DeVito.
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12/31
2019
Star Wars: What next? Disney: Maybe this guy fucks? https://t.co/bZZjJ2CLiy
Retweeted by Andrew O. @TotallyAllen @sharonstone @bumble There's no couple I want to see more in the world than ASW and Sharon Stone.Oops, forgot to take my adult gummy vitamins! *toddles off to kitchen*If you need another chuckle check this out these two rascals @hollandmcrae captured. https://t.co/aTaM1kzAOv
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12/30
2019
@JenaFriedman I'd say Burgers Never Say Die Or, if you're vegetarian Pine & CraneThanks Bret for liking this! (I'm going to thank all four people who like this personally)If fans of Grimes don't call themselves Griminals why are we even here?
12/29
2019
it's 1998. you have a nintendo 64 with goldeneye. you just ordered pizza with extra cheese. your friends are coming… https://t.co/yfk5OK8wi2
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12/28
2019
DENVER! The Grawlix is tomorrow! Bring your extended family and test how cool they are by what they laugh at! Still… https://t.co/iad1Od1Tau @ToeKneeSam Is this about the dick-shaped bottle opener?me avoiding personal questions from my family over the holidays https://t.co/8sv4YdPNz6
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12/27
2019
@JohnRossBowie That was one of the meanest things I've ever seen done to a character/actor.I always knew 2019 would end with me tearing up over Awkwafina impersonating Danny Devito while saying goodbye to a… https://t.co/gNCZXUrL61Hello, I would like to report a murder. https://t.co/lOu6sdMuQC
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12/26
2019
Perfection https://t.co/3081K9qs56I didn't get my dogs anything for Christmas BUT in my defense, they have no fuckin idea what Christmas is.
12/25
2019
TO BE FAIR every time I leave care instructions for my huskies it sounds like I'm describing Steve Buscemi's character in Con Air.Just walked into a restaurant and they immediately said, "Picking up for Postmates?" So that's how I'm dressed today.Every cat-sitting request: "So, just stop by once a day to make sure he has food and water, maybe scoop the box."… https://t.co/IXcerBUINa @MikeDrucker Tim Allen, quaking, spittle flying from his lips all over his red velvet coat, "Strike me down, so that I may live in you!"
12/23
2019
Jk jk literally driving there nowMight REALLY explode my friends' heads and not see this Star Wars at all.Put Deborah Chow in charge of everything Star Wars immediately! @notcapsensitive @HeliumComedyPdx You and me both, sister! @notcapsensitive @HeliumComedyPdx Here's me and my stunt double on the set of Those Who Can't, that might be the wa… https://t.co/a8qjCycIxC
12/20
2019
Listening to Christmas music in the car with my daughter, she suddenly chuckled and said, "So apparently Jesus is God's son? Sure."Two presidents impeached in my lifetime. Maybe it’s me?
Retweeted by Andrew O.I can't believe the player watches in Modern Warfare show the actual time I don't need to see that shit.
12/19
2019
Bill Murray https://t.co/vTMlX1gbvW
Retweeted by Andrew O. @gatzby_ I also made a batch with six slices of bacon chopped up on top. :( @gatzby_ I did but then sprinkled coarse salt on top. :(
12/18
2019

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