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Mal @TheRealPalMal Where bluebirds fly

tiktok: @therealpalmal

2,768 Following   5,055 Followers   130,590 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/14/19

Can’t talk right now. I’m doing hot girl knit.
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Just put a racer back tank top on backwards and now I’m stuck Stay tuned for more “how to” tips on getting dressed
Retweeted by Malvery funny that ppl walk through the international aisle at the supermarket like it’s some kind of museum of exotic…
Retweeted by Maljust learned that there are other asian american comedians out there...............................FUCK!
Retweeted by MalCalling breasts “cans” is something I’ve never done. Tits, boobs, honkers, bodacious tatas, knockers, fun bags, ho…
Retweeted by MalMe: I dunno, Doc. I’ve just been really down. Can I have a Pepsi or something? Freud: Is coke okay?
Retweeted by Maltherapist: what’s up me: i’m obsessed with making money therapist: let’s start from the beginning - what’s your f…
Retweeted by MalExcuse miss, would you allow me to take some really tasteful photographs of your butthole?
Retweeted by MalMood...
Retweeted by MalIt’s not necessarily about getting your mind to turn off or shut down it’s about getting it to think about the righ…
Retweeted by MalI was gonna post a plumbers crack for y'all But, by the time I got the camera going the plumber stood up and refused to bend over for me
Retweeted by Malthose must have been 28 brutal fucking years
Retweeted by MalAll it takes is for one to possess certain enviable personality characteristics that garner attention -- being you…
Retweeted by MalWe all have our own measuring stick.
Retweeted by MalInstead of trying to get to know you, some will try to convince you to care about their opinion of you. Check your blind spots.
Retweeted by MalI've decided to give a damn about you , don't be a cloud.
Retweeted by MalI ditched my first boyfriend for the same reason I never climbed a water tower, too high for me.
Retweeted by MalDay 500 without sex *opening every mans trench coat to see if I can catch a glimpse of the goods
Retweeted by MalPeople who ignore their demons are known as psychopaths.
Retweeted by MalIf you get going now, you could probably fuck all the way off by midnight.
Retweeted by MalIf you can split a graham cracker on the line, you’re a witch
Retweeted by Mal💫Tell me your dream and I’ll analyze it💫 *I have no idea what I’m talking about and this is not to be taken seriously*
Retweeted by MalI’ve been tired for the next 3 days
Retweeted by MalMy throat hurts so bad. No, no, it’s not what you think. I was doing voice changes during story time
Retweeted by MalPretty sure I got bit by an overly anxious radioactive spider and that’s what activated my crippling anxiety
Retweeted by MalThings are rarely as bad as you imagine. Sometimes worse, sometimes better. Life over all is tolerable
Retweeted by MalI've seen bigger - Hagrid's mom
Retweeted by Mallet’s hear it for the real mvp: my dry shampoo
Retweeted by Malmy kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named h…
Retweeted by Malasking kids to clean up their own toys is like asking my dog to clean up her own mess in the yard, it’ll never get…
Retweeted by Malyou ever just Vaseline yourself up, roll around in glitter... and you know what never mind
Retweeted by MalOk Beyonce, after many years of jelly training, I am finally ready for this jelly.
Retweeted by MalWho on this app are you making feel bad for you today? Let's see who you trapped in your replies.
Retweeted by MalMe: (takes a sip of my husband’s wine) H: You wants me to pour you a glass? Me: (takes another sip) No, I’m good.
Retweeted by MalAir fryers are just E-Z Bake ovens for adults.
Retweeted by Malyou can get through anything with enough Vaseline
Retweeted by MalAny oven can be an EZ-bake oven if you add weed to all your recipes.
Retweeted by MalMe: how was your day? Him: I had a yogurt earlier.. Me: congratulations -a love story
Retweeted by MalThat’s a different kind of friendship love I didn’t know existed. I approve.
Retweeted by MalMy doctor named Herb is the ultimate medicinal herb.
Retweeted by MalScience Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Retweeted by MalIt's funny because I'm miserable but I have a penis. Haha, men, amirite?
Retweeted by MalMe: damn girl, you’re super tall, why are you wearing those heels? Her: are you feeling diminutive? Me: no, but…
Retweeted by MalMe: I was just going to turn off twitter notifs - Him: no you weren’t, you were going to tweet about cake and th…
Retweeted by MalI took my class out to have recess in the falling snow. The kids are between six and eight years old. It was the si…
Retweeted by MalThere are so many melodies in my head and dammit if they're not all chained
Retweeted by MalOverweight attorneys likely participate in Sueme wrestling matches
Retweeted by MalI was listening to Nickelback and they have this song that’s like “if everyone cared..we’d see a day nobody died” a…
Retweeted by MalIf you're reading this, know that I am proud of you. You are incredible, talented, and worthy of all the good thing…
Retweeted by MalYou’ve made it to your 60th wedding anniversary. Your spouse suggests you make whoopie. Nipples scrape the ground.…
Retweeted by MalMe: (Watching and listening to him chew) Husband: What? Me: (Dousing him with gasoline) Nothing. Everything’s fine.
Retweeted by MalWhen you yell at an animal to get out of the trash, how many syllables does the word trash have:
Retweeted by MalDid Olive Garden food used to taste better, or did I have terrible taste?
Retweeted by MalGo to bed. You have a long day tomorrow of posting every emotional up and down you feel on the internet.
Retweeted by MalI want to play like a dnd type game but one where nothing bad happens, there's no fighting and its just about frien…
Retweeted by MalI wonder if you wonder like me
Retweeted by Malmy fear of bothering anyone always wins vs my wanting to reach out
Retweeted by MalYou bet I’m going to call you out on your bad behavior, I hope you’ll do the same for me.
Retweeted by MalBut making up the plan as we go IS the plan.
Retweeted by MalDon’t lean too far over that precipice unless you’re preparing to leap.
Retweeted by MalEpisode three of 'The back of my eyelids and the spinning brain' starts soon!
Retweeted by MalI don't feel anxious or sad or anything, just done with bullshit and ready for a new day
Retweeted by MalFuck this place, let's just be us.
Retweeted by Malwho knew she’d be the one taking me to Pound Town ?
Retweeted by Malthe faster he ran the closer his demons followed exhausted, beaten, broken he stood on the brink of surrender yet…
Retweeted by Malif you ever call me daddy I’m gonna ground you and take your car keys and cell phone away
Retweeted by MalIf you see a woman crying, ask her if it’s because she’s fat.
Retweeted by MalYou + me + a turtle sand box full of pudding. Me, flirting
Retweeted by MalWhen your sexual fantasies are 100% about eating delicious foods and 0% about sex. I’m that.
Retweeted by MalWoah! Stay way over there. I’m much better looking from way over there.
Retweeted by Mal“THE DOG STINKS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY” I shout, before realizing zoom is not on mute
Retweeted by MalIf you can’t text with one hand and wipe your ass with the other, are you even a millennial?
Retweeted by MalI’m still hemorrhaging followers, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye... *clings to cat*
Retweeted by MalI very haphazardly added fertilizer to my indoor herb garden in an attempt to achieve some kind of zen, and now my…
Retweeted by MalI’m one load of laundry away from running away and joining a nudist colony.
Retweeted by MalNews flash: Both Democrats and Republicans think you’re gross.
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Retweeted by Mal5: ok, I put the baby shark movie on my kindle for [3]. That should keep him busy for 45 minutes. Now I can work on…
Retweeted by Malhawaiian cows be like moohalo
Retweeted by Malcovid cop: do u really think going out to get jewellery is essential thanos: fuck yes
Retweeted by Malmeth lab implies the existence of meth poodle
Retweeted by Maldictator is short for richard potato
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Retweeted by MalNo matter how big the ravioli is, if you cut it you’re a coward
Retweeted by MalWaiter: would you like bottled or tap water? Dog: *lowers menu* I’ll have toilet
Retweeted by MalYou’re not an entrepreneur. It took you 6 months to knit a lumpy, ill-fitting, lime green hat that sold on Etsy for $2. Once.
Retweeted by MalI painted myself into a corner. Again. -Muralist
Retweeted by MalMy R.E teacher in school once said "if god was a woman it would be spelled backwards" so I guess I've been unsure of god's plan since then
Retweeted by MalAll it ever wanted was a cuddle. Now I feel bad
Retweeted by Malmen, why don’t you ask joe rogan why you’re single considering that’s the only experience you’re getting
Retweeted by Malhaha yes i love the stonk marckets
Retweeted by Malok say we get tax the ultra wealthy. what if the stock market buys a gun. then what
Retweeted by MalWhen Jesus was born and the calendar was reset, people had to do the math for their age, it was some nonsense like…
Retweeted by MalI was told that I look gangsta, like I’m about to mug someone; in my defense, I was pointing a gun at them at the time
Retweeted by MalI’m pretty much everywhere like an omnipresent goddess or something like that
Retweeted by MalI almost lost my anus down the drain after this turd. Oops, did I say that out loud?
Retweeted by MalI was voted out of the potluck club because I refused to stop pronouncing umami as "Oooooh mommy!" in a Borat voice.
Retweeted by MalOh no, billionaires are shorting my self-esteem, reddit help!
Retweeted by MalAny bean can be a green bean if it takes steps to help preserve the environment.
Retweeted by MalHim: Dammit I spilled soup on my pants Me: Just ask the waiter for some napkins Him: Excuse me waiter, there's some soup in my fly
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