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In the middle like a bird without a beak 🐓 Avi by @Nambroth 🦖 Astronomy Facts at @Astrofactual 🌌

2,754 Following   3,884 Followers   74,326 Tweets

Joined Twitter 10/17/14


dance like you didn't just eat three bowls of mashed potatoes
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI didn't think the apocalypse would involve so many snacks
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI tried fighting fire with fire once and seven skin graft surgeries later I can tell you with confidence that is some dogshit advice
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisWelcome to our site! •Login •Register new account •Sign in as guest •Sign in as interloper ◄
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisWe bought an ottoman for the living room, but so far he is just slicing up the drapes and trying to conquer the foyer.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis
2/27
2021
We’ll be on a short break this week, but look for us on Friday, March 5! https://t.co/9iCxjSDrbb
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisAlone on a beach, Wonka opens a cooler, popping open a bottle from within. "To retirement." Waves crash. Gulls cry.… https://t.co/IMNQfXX5Ky
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisJimothy: Hey Tim Tames: Hey Jim
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisAnybody know how to get Newman's Own Lite Balsamic Vinaigrette salad dressing out of an external keyboard? No reason.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis*comes out of restroom with CVS receipt stuck to the heel of my shoe*
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis*buys laser pointer at dollar tree* with my cat army I shall rule the world
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI came along🎵 I wrote a song for you And all the things you do And it was called "Yellow" https://t.co/cs2gHoo6N2
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisTurboTax: Do you have any dependents? Me: Just one. TurboTax: Dependent's last name? Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisCan't, I'm teaching the cats the difference between gerunds and present participles.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisAs penance for "Emily in Paris" we need a French person who vacationed in the US for exactly one week to write "Braden in Brooklyn."
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMy deli guy looked at me funny when I asked if they had any bacon hamantaschen.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis“...and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell slowly followed with him.” https://t.co/0EyPzEggFF
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMy Mom: You need to lose weight. Also my Mom: Want to finish my sushi? I ordered too much.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMy work comp claim at the Dorito factory was denied after they found out I was huffing the Cool Ranch flavor powder on purpose
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis[On an escalator] Sloth *arms raised* 𝘗𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳𝘳!!!!
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisSometimes I like my kid's imaginary friend better.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMy dad just forwarded me an email with the subject "Today's Woman", and I think it's safe to cancel Christmas dinne… https://t.co/1FUrQYxNdr
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisHow do you know a man is 6'? Because he'll tell you. No really.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis⚡️TWEET CALL!!!⚡️ Happy Friday! Reply with your funniest tweets from you and a friend! I'll RT my faves!
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI wonder if that really tall guy knows he’s tall. I should go tell him.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisTeenage Flesh Eating Bacteria: I'm vegan now.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisPeople don't announce they know karate like they used to.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisChekhov writing a gun into the first act of a play https://t.co/M7lAEy551O
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisSwedish king Eric XIV's parade armour was made in Arbogain 1562 & decorated in Antwerp by goldsmith Elisaeus Libaer… https://t.co/jOkgrWHqsS
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisOh this is so very on brand for cpac https://t.co/iW7K4Xgxsm
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisIntroverts when lockdown restrictions ease https://t.co/QmBKaSVdW0
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisInstead of wearing cologne, Rob Zombie rubs his body against soiled wigs from 18th Century French clowns
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisThe beautiful blonde at the end of the bar puts a cherry stem in her mouth, skillfully knotting it with her tongue.… https://t.co/Ib7DCmneED
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensiskool aid man in the hospital hooked up to an iv that's a smaller pitcher of kool aid
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisTell me how sheltered you were as a child without saying you were sheltered Mine: I just learned today what “You down with OPP?” means
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI have officially kept my kid alive to age 18 what do I win.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisdo y’all remember when the Spider Pig song came out because my second grade class had to have an assembly where the… https://t.co/rVA0djTfLe
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis @ShootyDoody https://t.co/cIqzG2DzuYVal Kilmer's full name is Valedictorian Kilometer
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisImagine if you bit mosquitoes back as payback
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMark my words. This will drive up tweet prices and open the door for bootleg format jokes.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisRemember it’s CANnibal, not CANNOTibal. You can eat anyone if you put your mind to it.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMy son: How come I have to take a shower and she doesn’t? My daughter: because men are WAY GROSSER then women
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisEven if there were only two genders, I am pretty sure you shouldn't be allowed near either one of them.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisTime gets warped in the presence of mass, which is why time slows down around Dat Ass!
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensishttps://t.co/OvxvCJgC2A
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisi’m not here to write poetry but sometimes it sneaks up like an old friend with a hug
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMichael Garibaldi: This conversation is giving me gas!Jeffrey Sinclair: Ah yes, I remember learning about that during the four years I spent studying with the Jesuits. I… https://t.co/hKtPnjd5kWNobody: Nobody: Absolutely Nobody: Susan Ivanova: I'm Russian and as you know we have a rather dismal worldviewThe secret to being great at sudoku? No-one checks your answers. Go nuts
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisME: ready or not here I- HER: -you better not
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisIn the UK these are called Poker Crisps https://t.co/4hsV5LQB6t
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisVic: just back from a long weekend in icelands prettiest city Me: Reykjavik? Vic: no. it was very refreshing
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisHer: you cheated on me you asshole how cou - Road Runner: meep Her: don't change the subject, you - Road Runn… https://t.co/jkEeJof3Yj
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI saw a guy walking around with pokemon on his feet. They were Pikashoes SHUT UP IT'S A FREE WEBSITE
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisBear Grylls: I’m Bear Grylls, world renowned survival expe - Gloria Gaynor: bitch, please
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisA Frasier Crane pez dispenser that says "I'm listening" just before it spits out a Xanax.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisImagine asking your Dad how he met your Mom and him spinning the story out for 7 seasons
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisAbout 20 years ago I received a visit from my time travelling future self, but was high on weed at the time. I wok… https://t.co/4lqwW8cqH1
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisseamstress: I couldn't fit your full superhero name, ‘Phantom Assassin’, so I abbreviated me: *looking at “Phat Ass” stitched on my cape*
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisWhen I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisThere's a kind of cat that eats coffee berries, shits them out and then the coffee tastes amazing. My investigation… https://t.co/8MVPoKlwwM
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisTwitter is where you find out that actually you're not alone and others have been going through the same thing as y… https://t.co/bBj1TyzfBJ
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisall the king's horses, dumbfounded, attempting to read the instructions for the Ikea ëgg
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisResponding to your post with a subtweet: reply guise.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisScientist: we successfully cloned Dolly Me: oh fuck yes let's hear "9 to 5" Scientist: she's not- Me: what about… https://t.co/BK8ZgjjD7G
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisHer: *stabbing me* Me: damn, friend-zoned again
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis"Get in!" - Me, on my first day as a plastic surgeon, having performed a successful tummy tuck.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisChristopher Walken but when there’s music Christopher Waltzen.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisNo one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis"Don't put all your eggs in one basket" buddy that's literally how eggs are sold
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI'm rubber you're glue, how did we both end up in this McDonald's salad
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis"Hera, I promise to be faithful til death do us part" https://t.co/XNpyzVVn7p
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensishttps://t.co/Ban5l3Lo3w
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMe: *moonwalks in flip flops* Shania Twain: *sucks teeth* still no
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisAmazing that this is 50% horse https://t.co/eel7t7Th2G
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMe: *high af* omg is this an intervention Wife: no it's your birthday
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisme: I know we've only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape kidnapper: 😳
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisSummer 2020 will be remembered for picnics being hampered by a blanket ban.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisNASDAQ can suck my dick!!!!
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisThe First Moustronaut *steps out of rocket ship and licks the moon* wtf is this!?
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisME: it was hot for awhile, then you got all clingy SHOWER CURTAIN:
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisGet back here, I'm not finished quietly judging you
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisITALIAN GRANNY: Eat, eat! You're skin and bones! CANNIBAL GRANNY: Eat! Eat your skin and bones!
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisCEO of SHOES INC.: Dum de dum du-- Wha--? Who are you?? And how did you get into my office!? THE GUY WHO INVENTED… https://t.co/d2m8QG0S0W
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisBLIND DATE: So I hear you're the maître d' at the "Haute d'Or Café? ME, host at The Outdoor Cafe: Well, yes...
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisThe guy in line, in front of me, turned to his wife and said “I forgot my personal PIN number” To which my nosey s… https://t.co/zADr7HLR8s
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisIt's what your hair is like on the inside that really counts.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis*sending my friend a pic of the moon on the horizon* Me: That yellow spot on the right hand side, that’s the moon… https://t.co/GKbKz6wUwJ
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisMy wife asked me to do that thing she likes tonight so I’ll be cleaning both bathrooms and ordering her take out
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI'm sorry, but what are you doing? Eh, that thing you like? Oh, I no longer like that thing. Yesterday I heard th… https://t.co/1isJdPbLtY
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisIt's easy to fake an illness as a women. The second you show up without eyeliner, everyone's worried about you.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis*sips mimosa & ties bandana to vacuum* Go get ‘em, Roombo
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis4: Unicorns aren’t real! Also 4: Declares herself a unicorn expert and spends 5 hours discussing the ins and outs of their magical hooves
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisOnce again my day planner only includes one scheduled event, and that is to become friends with a cute talking animal
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisI'm starting to look 3 months pregnant. But if it turns out I am, it will be such a relief because then I know I'll… https://t.co/77mtlrma9r
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisIt's pretty cruel that OCD is not in alphabetical order.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensisThe tooth fairy grinds up all those children’s teeth and snorts them. It’s the ultimate high.
Retweeted by Velocirooster schneevongesternensis
2/26
2021

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