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comedian • mma instructor • @alittletimepod • Ⓥ • @nihilift

464 Following   2,544 Followers   15,745 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/9/09

Salt n’ Peppa’s lonely hearts club band
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @fookalo My .44 make sure all your kids don’t grow @TheCloutCloud Great joke, great comedian @alexscaffidi_ @eshaknowsmma_ Fair @alexscaffidi_ @eshaknowsmma_ Eh, I’m kind of of the fence. I like the guy but I wouldn’t say Hall of fame resume yetCake decorator: do you want me to write anything? Me: yes, yes I do @arielhelwani Yea it was
Took the time and spoke to almost everyone who wished death on me in my DM's yesterday. Turns out they're all just…
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @ellomelissa Gracias!attacking a woman is the best tribute to XXXTentacion his fans could have come up with
Retweeted by Diego Lopezdid xxxtentacion’s ex girlfriend he abused laugh at the joke?
Retweeted by Diego LopezIf you are a journalist who cares about comedy, especially protecting the welfare of female comedians, please DM me…
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @kimberlycongdon Exactly!What non comics don’t understand that comedy is a self correcting system, if it doesn’t get laughs we change the jo… the headlines to most of these articles are making it seem like Dina was on stage going, “this guy died, isn’t… is such a great comic and person. All this hate she’s getting is bullshit. Who would’ve guessed the r… first dance!
I found AC! It’s in the bathroom, people are knocking furiously in the door but I’m not leaving @luisadieznuts yeah, I’ve gained some weight (obv pure, unadulterated muscle) and my suit doesn’t fit correctly. so what that I got a terrible haircut this week?? It’s not like my ex is going to be there with her bf...oh wait, she is. Awesome! @allisonoconor Yes, dying from heat exhaustion in a suit is a brag 😎I’m going to a wedding today that’s taking place ON A FUCKING ROOFTOP. You know my ass is going to speak up with so… @marybethbarone @catccohen @Moth_Club @knock2bag @BerksNest I’m gonna hit up all my fit birds and bevsI can’t stress this enough, I have no onewhen my girl doesn’t cum I flap my arms and cluck at her like a chicken @harrismayer Fun bit @samlymatters Cute minds think alike @PageSix Make is 69 million you cowards @ohJuliatweets HahahahaEvery time I speak Spanish to one of the Hispanic cashiers at the grocery store they look at me like I’m a dog that just did a magic trick @EricWilzon Sit down“Okay, guess you’re a big fan of the g35!”When I worked at the tattoo shop my favorite game was anytime someone asked for the infinity symbol (literally ever… @leresatee Cum On The Radio is my favorite band @pattonoswalt @Stranger_Things A fantastic Herrington jacket
@AmySilverberg is so goddamn funny it’s rudeALL OF THE CATS ARE ANTIFAALL OF THE CATS ARE POLY @nikkiblackcat Infinity symbol but the car companyTOO MANY OF THE CATS ARE WHITEThat’s like if I rubbed my arm until it got warm then I just got a tan @RandallOtisTV Is she a warden?? @MeganNeuringer The moon must be full of mercury or whateverAgain, LEGALLY I have to misspell at least one word in all my tweets. @django @luisadieznuts Make it stop hurting!!! @CoreyA_MMA @DomReyes @JanBlachowicz @lionheartasmith Fiiiiiine I’ll do it BUT I want 2 free t shirts for the fightHow fucking stupid is my dick that masturbaing works?! HA HA idiot I’m not actually having sex, I’m crankin off wit… @ohJuliatweets @MarciaBelsky EXACTLY @MarciaBelsky @ohJuliatweets Hahahah pardon me @ComedyCentral can I have $300 dollars to fight a corporation?? @MarciaBelsky @ohJuliatweets Absolutely. Truly unhinged people @ohJuliatweets @MarciaBelsky Where’s the unfortunate part?? @peta May I offer a sincere apology to all non-binary people. This sucks. PETA does not speak for most vegans/vegetarians. @MarciaBelsky Goddamn it PETA makes vegans look so stupid I hate themHer: but it’s bad today Me: tastes as good as twitter notifications feel @NicoleConlan Mine sucks*Heckler says literally anything Me: What’s your home address? @PhilanthropyGal Thank you, I am a hero that just happens to be too horny to live a normal lifeOkay but if I did have someone... @bvyls Nikki Balls at Tattoo Paradise @arielhelwani I’ll venmo you 69 dollars if you mention me @MiddleEasy @702_dylan Old laptop swag @lostintransit12 @alexscaffidi_ 🤓(I’d like to reiterate, I have no one)My girl: We can’t have sex, I’m on m- Me:
Rejected t-shirt design #214
Retweeted by Diego LopezATTENTION EVERYONE: I am dating @ReignBodyFuel @calmdowncold @mikeabrusci No but DM us because we love free things! @ReignBodyFuel My life is hell. The only good thing is Razzel Berry, I love you please never leave me. @ReignBodyFuel 😭 🥊Legally I have to have at least one typo in all of my tweetsMy favorite thing about fighting and comedy is that the rule of 3 applies to both. don’t give a fuck what the sign says, any single occupancy bathroom in gender neutral. I have to cry NOW and I’m… @goodfriendraf @mikeabrusci HHaha okay but you ain’t gotta disparage da snack boys @IamMikeCannon GIT HIS ASSSSSS*On Drunk History Derek Waters: Tell us about Henry Ford Me, completely sober: WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT RICKSON GRACIE, A LOT!Thor 4: OOPS! ALL KORG
When she a lil freak @EricWilzon @mikeabrusci OF COURSE he has a mini bat in his carSource: @vulture @thisdiegolopez
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @eliyudin @Danielleri One of @CaseyMcGowann Completely different jokes @Rippernorton Hell yea, that’s a great one! Mine is 420-69-8008 @jim_genia I’ll fight on my knees @jim_genia Quick, let’s help me go viralLets get a social security positivity thread going! What’s you social??!If I was on Love Island, my whole thing would be, “having pubes” @Danielleri Told you you were close! Parabéns 🤙🏼
Retweeted by Diego LopezA must watch, Lee Wylie has outdone himself with this one. @leewylieboxing This was really great even by your standards. Watched it 7-8 times. Thank you.Looks like I have a new fan @BigHern Devito, Cruddup AND Ewan McGregor?! Lots of man-candy in that flickThank you @MayorOfFartTown for roasting my inability to spell or even readWe need more women in power so I can finally sleep my way to the top @mikeabrusci Me at the end of this video