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comedian • mma instructor • @alittletimepod • Ⓥ • @nihilift • featured on @vice @vulture •

497 Following   3,297 Followers   17,863 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/9/09


When you nut and she’s age appropriate https://t.co/RwLupalM1D
11/23
2019
Nvm I got it to work https://t.co/9c8FRM10cPI’m trying to make cybertruck my banner but I can’t make it fit https://t.co/umHtGMYGk9*Sees cybertruck Every cool rich guy with a fully functioning penis: https://t.co/cSMiC2iE1K @benjiaflalo He has the posture of a cartoon dogIt’s called chemistry https://t.co/84n7fFFYYf
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @LegKickTKO Hell yeah 🤙🏼 @LegKickTKO Yeah. It’s fun @MiddleEasy https://t.co/XanqpyYXOOGreat job tweeting today! https://t.co/6AOR4dNKrb*EMT desperately trying to shatter the shatterproof windows of my cybertruck* ME, ASPIRATING BLOOD: pretty cool huh
Retweeted by Diego LopezRemake Thor with my father please. https://t.co/0xxJ7IBvMPI love when someone calls it a “made up holiday.” Yeah, they’re ALL made up. Do you think deer and squirrels are in… https://t.co/U5b86vC2NUFolks I got let go from the moving company so if anyone has a room you want me to headline, a holiday party you wan… https://t.co/vvrqg5auOc
Retweeted by Diego LopezLove to be on Joe’s List https://t.co/uk7uMo1oQu @stollemache But Sarah I need help moving back to the future @alexscaffidi_ Lol bruhIf I could put this video into a blender and drink it I would never need to eat again. https://t.co/Hj7hlezxkr @BrendanSagalow I was 14 tho @BrendanSagalow YeahI use to draw the fuck out of this car when I was in 1st grade https://t.co/oDFYHnwCfd @ScottishBlaze I had to fix a typo but i posted it again lol 🥰I’m gonna post a video of a male porn star just FULLY railing a woman and say, “dis me lol” @pattymo Connor O’Malley voice: GARY SINISE!!!!!
11/22
2019
I can hear this tweet https://t.co/LqQ7tBVWxt https://t.co/3TwLfEHoUrgreat customer service at LL Bean. a simple fleece exchange turned into a little vacation planning! https://t.co/T6FYEVV9bn
Retweeted by Diego LopezNew episode up now with the wonderful @RemyKassimir from @HowCumPodcast !! So much fun!!! https://t.co/wZupUSseD8 https://t.co/jls0fRdZZR
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @luisadieznuts Hahahaha omg I’m naming my album that!!!How bout you Friendsgiving me some pussy? @mikeabrusci THIS IS HOW THE RICH GET RICHER @mikeabrusci Borrow*I’m not supporting a specific presidential candidate solely because I hate the comedian who does an impression of t… https://t.co/z3A8ila0n2 @gregstone_ @ebaumsworld Greg! I had no idea ebaums world retweeted this hahaha we’re both having big days @CaseyMcGowann It’s a convention for Bruce Springsteen fansOh fuck, my mom got loose on Twitter, brb https://t.co/T0Pl76eeIi
Retweeted by Diego LopezMe: hi coul- My girl: https://t.co/k52UjLjtJMMy tinder bio https://t.co/B5dHYiq5ch @laurkleiman You can’t change the size of emojis @anicacoela This made me itchyMom can you come pick me up? I’m scaring all the hoesWatch this Giulia is so funny https://t.co/aTrkLj7chB🍆 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 🍆 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 🍆 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍑🍆🍆 🍆 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 🍆 🍆🍑🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 🍆 🍆comedy parties 🍆🍆 🍆 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 🍆 🍆🍆🍆🍑🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 🍆🍆🍆… https://t.co/dmwKyMN33u @tipado FUUUUUCKGet him a cool jacket https://t.co/YNgq46mt9h
Retweeted by Diego LopezThank you @murderoflife for making it! @MiddleEasy Absolutely https://t.co/WrFEoDQkcnIf you make this your profile banner I’ll make out with you https://t.co/KhV7fgP4V6
11/21
2019
These will be on sale for $69 https://t.co/4M4ZT939iF
Retweeted by Diego LopezON THE SPOT ENERGY DRINK CORNER @ReignBodyFuel ORANGE CREAMSICLE 🍑 https://t.co/Pk8A48eEvc
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @bowenyang Let me come hug dababy @BigHern https://t.co/BzbzRPCRP3When you’re just trying to sext and they hit you with the, “I like you” text https://t.co/EWKV6wcQJEA depressed child’s letter to Santa https://t.co/775GOCYhXY @joshgondelman WHY IS THERE A CHORUS?!? @lilsmichelle HahahahahaIf I ever go into a coma, please, and I can’t stress this enough, please wax my mustache
Retweeted by Diego LopezAy, lemme see Paul Rudd play Fredrick Douglas“Most people think it was her parents that did it, some even say it was her brother Burke who, I admit seemed prett… https://t.co/Ric8wsZCToMMA but make it fashion https://t.co/5mRjo4yitG @GiuliaRozzi @ConanOBrien @TeamCoco Jumpsuit!!!! @georgeciveris You’re doing greatThis microphone is cursed https://t.co/G2ylCVltLl @_laurenlayden LAUREN!!! I love and miss you
11/20
2019
Yo La Tengo is Spanish for AM I BEING DETAINED?!I love the idea of a white guy being torn over celebrating international men’s day because of the international partMe walking into a sex party https://t.co/apAxE6zX1Y @tomsegura On Sexual GroundTelling my kids this is Gene Simmons https://t.co/Zue8eY4TT8Me teaching kids MMA https://t.co/apAxE6zX1Y @kimberlycongdon You pegged him? @ShannonElainexo Hahah hell yes!!!Does it have be just one gun? https://t.co/Lax3SFi5pZ @realfun_funeral https://t.co/tCO8Matf1h @ghoff29 https://t.co/5QuPCxlOd9Diagonal nipple piercings make y’alls titties look angryHire Elizabeth for freelance FT work, her jiu-jitsu has gotten really solid https://t.co/eCDlXsvlP2 @feraljokes This sweater would get whoever wore its ass beat by a diverse range of people @melissavcomedy For a second I thought a Michael Jackson impersonator was cleaning upGonna tell my kids this is Bernie Sanders *insert lemon party image* @marissausage Fingers crossed!2009 2019 -manger of -abs haver successful retail -co-hosts a store… https://t.co/m5j6i9tPBXWeezer Me flirting 🤝 watch me unravel, I’ll soon be naked @caseyJsalengo @mikeabrusci Da snack boys don’t fuck around @NightPromoting Damn I’d wear the fuck out of this @Prettyboysalad Thank youFriend: My mom to just moved to Texas Me: Where? Friend: Like an hour south of Houston Me: oh, SoHo! Beautiful
11/19
2019
@mikeabrusci Yea there’s the joke! @MiddleEasy @RawrEWreckz I’ll never forget when we covered UFC 230(?) and Ben just signed with UFC and we didn’t kn… https://t.co/uSha29zU3BThat face you make when you’re at dinner and your date is rude to the server https://t.co/d6zLtwqjDyMe keeping my tv on and looking at my phone while “writing” on my laptop https://t.co/pEDEOYmOK9This cat loves ROGAINE https://t.co/qV76kriJ7e
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @CholulaHotSauce what’s upAfter I pay off one bill https://t.co/fkaAnrFtSFTo no ones surprise, three people in this vegan grocery store, including myself, are wearing white pants. We look l… https://t.co/WlGsX3oegKWel, my first big piece is finally here, and you guessed it, it features my ass!!! Please watch it or I will self h… https://t.co/GPdqp2YuzL
Retweeted by Diego Lopez @stollemache Yea, it’s like a 6 second cut of Blue Valentine @Stipe__Tapped Man I really can’t stand his whole gimmick.
11/18
2019
Hahahah she saw the tweet (we haven’t spoken in like 2 years) https://t.co/Ma2fNVWAAV @juliothesquare Veganism 101 @sallysputnik Yes, so many times.
11/17
2019

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