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Nerd/wife/mom. Did PitchJokes. Sometimes @huffpostparents, @cheezburger, & @thechive like me. ❤️ Goldblum & Oxford commas. She/Her. Avi by @TOCanadian22

3,503 Following   22,445 Followers   70,312 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/13/10


People in horror movies are so stupid, running everywhere. The killer isn’t running, just walk faster than the kill… https://t.co/DBAMktaFIw
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑If these walls could talk, I'd know the LSD was kicking in
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑oh wow the bermuda triangle is like 180 degrees right now
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I’m not like Meatloaf. I WILL do that.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑DTF https://t.co/wsm9yU1OuL
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to say my name three times. - Bloody Mary, probably
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑🎵 it's beginning to look a lot like I'm dissociating from stress 🎵
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Me: I’ll have one Fleshlightᵀᴹ please... Barista: Sir, this is a Starbucks!!! Me: Oh sorry. I’ll have one GRANDE Fleshlightᵀᴹ please...
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @thechrisbarron Right?! @kaL12578 I get that soooooo much.I love when I tweet something inappropriate and some man from some hole DMs me to tell me he’s disappointed and to… https://t.co/d0VrcR65TF
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Midwestern Jerry Maguire: “You had me at y’ello!” Thank you for your time.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Panic buyers: 🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻 ‘Normal’ people: Will flash my left boob fo… https://t.co/m9JXdpLnwV
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑when your friend asks how you’re doing and you realize snapchat knows you better than you know yourself https://t.co/vRvr93NqO5
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Me on snapchat, but ALSO me on Snapchat https://t.co/jzwYn4PXSy
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑is this what spaghetti sees when grated parmesan rains down? https://t.co/Ar2ELKdBMv
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Is being a mysterious drifter with a troubled past still an occupation?
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑don’t fall in love with me. i’m the kind of girl who puts tuna in the microwave
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑vsco girls walking around in their oversized tees and carrying hydroflasks and when i do it i look debbie rolling u… https://t.co/mIat5Nyvui
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑my son now stares blankly at the shelves like his father, unable to see the food right in front of his face, turns… https://t.co/gAffxpvIKw
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Not sure how people play with their pet tarantulas, but I imagine hide and seek gets pretty wild
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑The concept of preserving animal remains is so jarring.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑dads always want to talk about the weather but never about whether he’s proud of you
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑every night i sleep like a baby (knowing i will wake up with no object permanence and a fundamental inability to express myself)
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑*says goodnight* *sleeps immediately* ~ Nobody on twitter, ever!
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Say what you will about Dahmer but the man knew how to save face.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑No more mister nice guy, but no less mister nice guy. Goldilocks level nice guy.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Why does Facebook prompt us to tag people in replies to their comments? It feels like such a power move saying "ROS… https://t.co/6ojVk0gcMT
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I can't run a mile without a couple breaks so yea i do intermittent fasting
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑*scrolling past step mom porn looking for regular porn* Me: *scrolling some more* Me: Here's a good one... ope n… https://t.co/8C6I3rYIPu
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Me: smile for your school pics My kid: 😶 Me: no, you have to try My kid: 😬
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑When I was a kid you didn’t have private phone calls you had an eight foot leash in the middle of the kitchen while… https://t.co/NylgVXf2SH
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑People say that Santa can deliver all those presents in one night due to magic but what they don’t tell you is, the magic is cocaine
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑my kid is potty training her stuffed pet sloth and I’m gonna bet that slow-ass mofo picks it up quicker than my 2yr old does
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix but it's me trying to avoid anxiety attacks
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑How it started and how it's going https://t.co/ZcoF3qdV7j
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I keep a lawn chair in my trunk for those tense moments when someone honks at me for my parking spot
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑My decision making skills? Before I met my husband, I dated more than one felon, at least one demon, and three gay men.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I shook out a pair of sweatpants while folding laundry and smacked myself in the face with the drawstrings, so yeah, very graceful.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑i’m gonna filter this butthole pic till it looks like susan sarandon.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @DaveCommaTheCat @perlhack No @Kthurmz OH MY @MissesDread @Theropologist Yes! That sounds perfect. https://t.co/QxAjWY0nWc @Hammyinmiami YUMis this what spaghetti sees when grated parmesan rains down? https://t.co/Ar2ELKdBMv
12/1
2020
You [have a crush on me]: sends 100 red roses to my office with a card that says, "YOU BEAUTIFUL IDIOT, I'M IN LOVE… https://t.co/LIqwrkyk6H
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Sending nudes for Christmas, but only through the actual mail. Hope I have your address!
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @perlhack *jumps off a bridge*me: this is bullshit you offered me over $400,000 boss: yeah I think we should go over what a 401k actually is
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @lafleurmtl @DarkInjustices Yep @NoToRiOuSJT_48 @JPLFR80 @ScarletSoul66 @Crazy_ButCute2 @cbink_liltx @mistrustme1 @colourmesad @Rebeccah81https://t.co/GN7iuLbE5OMrs. Claus: *opens door* you've been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close h… https://t.co/rATF1G9oep
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @OJIBAJO @dadthatwrites All overI’ve learned to accept compliments, but I only do it to avoid insulting the person complimenting me. So I get to ke… https://t.co/dZPXFOlDGc
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @RobbyActually Congratulations! @erichwithach Erich. This hits home so hard.Oh you liked that joke? Guess what? There are no more where that came from. That was it. The end of the jokes. Thanks for the memories.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @BuckUpBits ❤️I just found some poop spots on the carpet and assumed it was the cat until I found a loaded diaper in a tent nearb… https://t.co/CBvolLPzNV
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑One day my kids are going to ask how my husband and I met, and I look forward to telling them that mommy hit daddy up on Myspace.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Look at the marbling on this vegan steak. https://t.co/HcRPctsDw4
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑that’s me in the kitchen that’s me in the fridge light eating mashed potatoes
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @erichwithach Deliberately or a happy accident? @dadthatwrites Ope @AmandaRNH https://t.co/PeKV1MoKOx @BeatUpTheSun @ianpauldukes https://t.co/Itrz3PTAytvsco girls walking around in their oversized tees and carrying hydroflasks and when i do it i look debbie rolling u… https://t.co/mIat5NyvuiComing out of my cage And I’ve been doing just fine ⓘ This claim is disputed
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑me, impatiently waiting for my mutuals to follow me back on this account https://t.co/qpH9lYx6OJ
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑when you need to confirm you're not a robot https://t.co/nueeljlewl
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @wizard_snark https://t.co/WgOChZvQKf @itsmebeegee07 😂 @JamieRay2019 I said what I said @wizard_snark I said what I said @Home_Halfway @SvnSxty @Aikiwomannc @Mardigroan @minkpinkustink @EmissaryKerry @DrakeGatsby @arwenlothbrokhttps://t.co/5q3dFfmWeA @SvnSxty @Aikiwomannc @Mardigroan @Home_Halfway @minkpinkustink @EmissaryKerry @DrakeGatsby @arwenlothbrokhttps://t.co/buKpiVJfWfcovid has gone on so long that I quit smoking for 6 months so I wouldn't die, then started again so I would
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Best part is that I was kidnapped by a hamster. @FfbKell All of the above. @FfbKell What are you imagining right now*had been I’m so flustered by the masses of buttholes that I can’t type.I went from being a home kindergarten teacher with my 5-year-old to checking Twitter and finding that I can been ki… https://t.co/3cq65jeTeA @LizerReal @spacewizard_t BAHAHAH I need these.ok granted I’ve been on pornhub for a while but I’ve seen the same lady bang like 8 of her sons wtf is going on in that house
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑everything is fine https://t.co/bEeEmAye43
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @dragon_fly8833 @Shade510 It’s like...spatchWHAT @Kateness8 Me a lot these days @FNAKC Mmmm, I bet you really think you’re doing something here with this comment.me: a man complimented me 😌 other men: SO YOU JUST WANT ME TO LIE TO YOU?!?!
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Same energy https://t.co/kHFk5WIscMPro-tips: Save on makeup remover by crying your mascara off instead Avoid wearing pants to reduce laundry Stay i… https://t.co/ftZEmlHW1p
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑“Don’t fucking worry about it mate” - Timon & Pumbaa as therapists
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I accidentally typo’d lockdown to lickdown and honestly that sounds far better.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I’ve recently gained a wave of followers & I noticed a chunk of you are inspirational accounts or religious account… https://t.co/EDSv2Ld6Sn
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑"Its time to bring out the BIG guns!" I shout, dragging a thousand pound revolver
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Imma keep sneezing till I’m blessed.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Can crying in my room be considered a hobby? Cus I’m like the Wayne Gretzky of that shit
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @mom_tho 😂 my oldest used to yell CHEESUS CHRISTThat's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight Covered in calamine lotion Trying to not scratch hives And I don't know if I can do it.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @LillybeckR @RiotGrlErin Thank you!
11/30
2020

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