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NerdWifeMom/SheHer. Sometimes @BuzzFeed, @HuffPostParents, @Cheezburger, @boredpanda @theCHIVE like me. ❤️ Jeff Goldblum & Oxford commas. Avi by @popartcartoonz

3,623 Following   28,361 Followers   90,681 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/13/10


Welcome to your thirties. Every time you go to Wal-Mart now, you buy ibuprofen.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑You're not "free spirited" for saying and doing things without thinking about how it affects anyone else, sweetie. You're just a bitch.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑my cat just bit me on my nipple through my shirt and now my 6-year-old is threatening him with cat jail
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Did you suck on coins when you were a child or are you normal?
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I am just Not Feeling It™️ today
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑THE WAY TO GET HOMELESS PEOPLE OFF THE STREETS IS NOT TO PUNISH THEM FOR BEING HOMELESS BUT BY HELPING THEM NOT BE… https://t.co/ao53Rpxken
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑It’s 90°+ right now Debra. Every mess is a hot mess.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑𝓃𝑜𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓁𝒶𝓈𝓉𝓈 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 ...but some people take that to mean they shouldn't try... ...and some of us take it to mea… https://t.co/KsAAoka7hz
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑You can tell the women competing in the trampoline event haven’t had kids because they aren’t peeing all over the place
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I have a question. Why is mental illness and lack of mental health an appropriate excuse for a mass shooter but n… https://t.co/Pcpf2ciomR
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I wanna talk about hyper focus for a sec, because I don’t think enough people are aware of what that actually is, a… https://t.co/e1lKUe4uU8
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I put Papa John's garlic dipping sauce into my calorie counting app. It sighed and uninstalled itself.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @BBFTC1 https://t.co/QFWc8abBCI @JokesByNick Oh noooooo @norcal_dc @perlhack I don’t know if I’m friends with any of them at this point. Not anymore.my cat just bit me on my nipple through my shirt and now my 6-year-old is threatening him with cat jail @DaRealMrsSalley @CrockettForReal I think she just kept starting new ones when she forgot her password @PoetCalloway @CrockettForReal https://t.co/uYsf7lbFPgTheir tassle-wearing and breastfeeding days long over, it was finally time for "the girls" to retire. https://t.co/2tl7ATC3Bj
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Can't figure out if my tween is still this innocent or if he refuses to see his parents as sexual creatures, but la… https://t.co/T8bvkqp3ko
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @_sTYLr_ @riot4rach @human_schmoopy https://t.co/b1X4S3GOF1 @_sTYLr_ @riot4rach @human_schmoopy https://t.co/cfRzenQOsx @chafingarmor None that I know of, but I don’t know @ednanuel @AllanForsyth I don’t think so @_sTYLr_ @riot4rach @human_schmoopy https://t.co/xjNtYtcvyc @toomanycommas3 @mom_tho He is just a man of evidence. @riot4rach @human_schmoopy @_sTYLr_ Oh hiiiiiii https://t.co/tdo2ImDHylwhy does this seal look like an angry worm named gary https://t.co/9QffCQROkZ
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑the world is ending and it’s too hot for me to wear my emotional support cardigan
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑asking me about my hopes and dreams is a HIPAA violation
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @henchbeaver @CarbonatedCB 👀 @margaret_nb 😂 I don’t really have answers @margaret_nb Right. In this case, I think she forms a new one every time she forgets her password. I know at least… https://t.co/weXhgTIhlM @86b1536e2218474 I have no idea if she just keeps forgetting her password or what 😂 @henchbeaver next ELEVEN tramp stampsi just noticed that some woman i went to school with has 11 facebook accounts. ELEVEN[first day as a copilot] Pilot: I need a bathroom break, think you can handle things? Me: yea, I guess Pilot: *e… https://t.co/2mtzo6r2wb
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Son: Dad, what rhymes with Fairfax? Me: *knowing full well he just wants to say butt cracks* Bear Tracks Son: But… https://t.co/VSd91AHkq0
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑You’re telling me to relax as if I’ve ever laxed in the first place
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑The words, "Relax mom, it's only glitter" is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑chiropractor: relax me: i’m giving you permission to maybe oops and break my bones no
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Can I relax now or is that Y2K thing still a threat?
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @Fabulous_Kimmy Hiiiiiwhen I'm in the shower and need to poop I will flood the whole bathroom getting out to do it I'm not showering only… https://t.co/WcebOoRYwp
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @_sTYLr_ That’s the best position, bb @WytKat @GraniteDhuine @wumother @robin_991 11 @_sTYLr_ I love being lastIt’s pretty weird how someone can essentially blow air into us if we stop breathing and we basically come back to l… https://t.co/760o70JEF4
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @_sTYLr_ Oh, ok. My favorite @_sTYLr_ like weird or WEIRDusing only pictures of your pet(s) where are you mentally https://t.co/T9yWCxnVmY https://t.co/lrSjOYj0sw
7/30
2021
I just flew in from Boston and boy are my arms tired (from doing a flight long masturbation in the bathroom)
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑as new parents, this was a tough, personal decision but my wife and I have chosen to switch from breastmilk to baja blast
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @TheWinegasm Congratulations!If searching PornHub for videos with one hand to keep lube off the keyboard was an Olympic sport I would have gold.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑She didn't sell seashells by the seashore but she did sell dildos from a beige floor. https://t.co/DcvheejbNg
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Love is temporary. Thinking about what you COULD have said during that argument in 7th grade is forever.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑sometimes I get imposter syndrome about people who like me now that wouldn't have liked past versions of me and the… https://t.co/Tf7uL0WYoJ
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑"Simone Biles is a quitter" You won't go to a concert unless you can sit down during it
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑i talk a lot of shit for someone who was half convinced a ghost was playing hootie and the blowfish upstairs last night
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑i had breakfast at 3:30pm which consisted of exactly one fat cucumber and no this is not a euphemism
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑once dumped a great guy because he was scared of orgasms. nobody could come close to him
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @FormerlyAYeti I just can’t imagine using another human as a means to get revenge. @FormerlyAYeti Ope. @toomanycommas3 @brendanbensongs @SpicyNickPics @ThickDickNick 💀 😂 @brendanbensongs @toomanycommas3 @SpicyNickPics @ThickDickNick Omg. This is like the porn Twitter version of the Ring.Interviewer: and what makes you feel that you're a good candidate to portray Lady Justice? Medusa: honestly I real… https://t.co/fH0AYgFPkv
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑since I started putting my hair up I've noticed I get a lot more headaches and I'd just like to take this moment to… https://t.co/FCbdxHSEWg
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @SpicyNickPics @toomanycommas3 @ThickDickNick Nope. Probably not. POSERS. @toomanycommas3 @SpicyNickPics @ThickDickNick Damn it. I clicked.
7/29
2021
@ForgetTheMoose @ADHDeanASL I was gonna say the fact that the women always wake up with perfect hair and make up @bleachontheside @RobotDragKween Holy shit, what did you do @MikeHunt69bang No, this was just on our upper level. Bathroom probably. Maybe the music room. It was one of the Apple HomePods. @Kryzazy @StoneAgeRadio13 @Roy_oh_Roy @CrockettForReal @thearibradford @rn_murse @RiotGrlErin @MedusaOusa Thank you 😘 @MedusaOusa @CrockettForReal @sweetmomissa @maryfairybobrry @Dad_At_Law @Chhapiness @LizerReal @HomeWithPeanuthttps://t.co/RB8NDOL8ru @kj_collins @toomanycommas3 I’m not on a diet. It’s just the way it worked out today. lol @illipina_ 😂 😂 😂 @ChipHarbour I have them. I mean I have lots of options but that’s just how today has played out @jojipaints @charbroil_chew Thorns I beti had breakfast at 3:30pm which consisted of exactly one fat cucumber and no this is not a euphemismThey thought they could keep my nerdy-ness under wraps when they closed the libraries. Guess they didn’t count on m… https://t.co/9cZyctxdjQ
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Outlook in the streets, gmail in the sheets 😏
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑My dad just sent me a text asking when *my dog* was coming over for a visit. Maybe if I’m lucky she’ll let me be her plus one 😂😂
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I *usually* trust my wife’s judgement... ...but not if she compliments me. I don’t trust *anyone’s* judgement when they do that.
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Might fuck around and get some butt implants so I can change my name to “Nicc”
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑What part of “EXTREMELY simple slow cooker recipes for the exceedingly lazy” does google not understand?
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I listened to a meditation soundtrack and fell asleep. Can’t tell if that means it worked perfectly or not at all
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I’m “just pulled a hamstring closing the trunk of my car” years old
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑“Diet starts tomorrow” he says, chugging hot chocolate and funneling Chex mix into his gaping maw
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I have decided to become someone who regularly chews gum, and not just uses it on airplanes to pop my eyes. Pleas… https://t.co/47Sa3hES7s
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Charles Dickens really be like, “I’ll use humbug 7 times in a book and change its meaning forever idgaf”
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Me: Subliminal messaging is made up! Also me: Hey girl... https://t.co/GpfZijHSoo
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑The *only* time I’ve ever looked through the moonroof in 3 years I’ve own this car was during a car wash 5 minutes ago
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Guy smiling like Al Capone smoking a cigar, but with celery
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑I had a Very Bad Day™️ and so I went ahead and did some Sloth and Gluttony
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑It’s been 25 years since that time they let us play with shaving cream in preschool and I’m *still* chasing that high
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑In what is no doubt the most dangerous discovery since the atom bomb, TIL TikTok can be accessed from my computer 😬
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑Watch your tone buddy… Do you really want to start shit with a guy who almost made his high school Science Olympiad team?
Retweeted by Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @rn_murse @Gupton68 Ope
7/28
2021

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