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it's even worse than it appears, but it's alright

629 Following   44,780 Followers   10,685 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/2/16

@KylePlantEmoji will dm u about possible tradethis adulting shit is stupid can i go back to eating dirt and thinking i could be in the olympics
Retweeted by m@thewart teacher: is that a bird or a plane young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Retweeted by m@thew @ElyKreimendahl that sounds amazing one day I am going to try it and I am going to call it an ely bowl @ElyKreimendahl what kind? @fowlerism I’m the taintgod gave me the power of truth what did u get
@Ygrene on the school nurse’s dooreggnogurationChairs are pretty great. You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Retweeted by m@thewDOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
Retweeted by m@thewanother saturday means it's time for another show! see you tonight @ComedyHubLive at 8:30 est! come hang out with…
Retweeted by m@thewCongratulations to whoever invents forests.
Retweeted by m@thew
tiny frog asks wizard for help
Retweeted by m@thew @danabar_s thank u I am his vesselgoing thru pornhub and 👎ing any vid where I don’t see wedding ringspeople ask like “if you could have anything what would you wish for” and guys are like “a billion dollars” and wome…
Retweeted by m@thew[cloud watching] GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring. ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Retweeted by m@thewarby’s ceo: you want us to sell... me: bear meat sandwiches ceo: so we can call it... me: the bear’wich project…
Retweeted by m@thewpeople will really put bernie anywhere but the white house
Retweeted by m@thew
@jazz_inourpants vouch @jazz_inourpants ok everyone nm I figured it out @jazz_inourpants ok, I’ve been looking a this for 2 hours can someone please tell me where Waldo is before eli gets backted cruz: rejoining WHO only benefits the citizens of whoville
Retweeted by m@thewwhen people attack me for using day mode,, im reminded of another man who was also “ratioed” for choosing the Light
Retweeted by m@thewbecca: did you name us, dad me: yeah rebecca: did mom help me: no not really b3cca: I wish she had @TheAndrewNadeau @smithsara79 thank u Hillary @PallaviGunalan have no idea what I am doing but whatever it is got me this far so I’m just kinda staying the course @PallaviGunalan how r u @PallaviGunalan hi :)
that’s my america will become the first acting female president when biden gets lost in a corn maze this fall I am calling my shot @jazz_inourpants we had a hell of a run champtomorrow don jr is going to come down from the attic and think he made his family disappear
Retweeted by m@thewIf you're kind of having a rough day, just remember that consciousness is a phase.
Retweeted by m@thew
dr: what happened here me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him dr: why me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Retweeted by m@thewthe hard part of chess is the other player is always doin some shit
Retweeted by m@thew
@TheAndrewNadeau *trying to put a birthday hat on an alligator but it bites my hand because they’re the way andrew said*
@PleaseBeGneiss @Buffalojilll go bills ❤️ @mrjohndarby @Ygrene billyieve™️
@Ygrene’t wait for the nra to have to list the senators they own during their bankruptcy hearing
me: I’m here about my student loan principal: just bring david back
@OctopusCaveman remember amanda’s birthday party the summer before 8th grade and everyone played 7 minutes in heaven in her dad’s basement @jazz_inourpants *looking eli directly in the eye* I have one that I can think of
Retweeted by m@thew @GrowlyGrego yeah, fuck brian @RobDenBleyker The m guy is killing me @elle91 I know :(putting my phone down......nowlead singer: how we doin’ tonight front row: lololololololololol lead singer: what’s so funny @RobDenBleyker the coherent portion will be on vine @Angibangie I have read this every night for three weeks
@TheAndrewNadeau @RobDenBleyker and the worst part is once the clocks struck 13 they would monitor my every move with a closed circu… @RobDenBleyker when I dove for a volleyball at church camp and farted so loud when I landed that everyone called me… @Skoog I have not seen this movie in over 10 years and I think about this once every couple months
@jazz_inmypants shouldn’t this end with a “?”*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we'll have the tube
Retweeted by m@thew @TheHyyyype the bigger the number is written to more it is worth hope this helpsor elon @BigTucsonDad lol I have no idea
Retweeted by m@thew
@desukidesu here’s to tomorrow 🍻 @desukidesu r u having a nice day :) @TheObscureGents absolutely perfect ❤️In this final comic of the Obscure Gentlemen I ask my brother a question and thank you all for all of the great mem…
Retweeted by m@thew @MNateShyamalan p close
@GrowlyGrego exactly! who has time for thiswhy does resign mean the opposite of resign @TheVoello @TheHyyyype yes! @TheHyyyype i wish i would have taken a ss of this before it was too late :( @TheHyyyype dan “would you” rather
@pathieron1131 @jbfan911 yeah, natalieWhat if ur on a horse and it just nevers stops running
Retweeted by m@thew @ellewasamistake someone replied this to me once and i think about it an awful lot @garyvee @TheAndrewNadeau and @FrazzleMyGimplet this be a lesson to you that if u incite a riot u may be kicked out of a chat room
@roxiqt ily but do not encourage me @doinkpatrol hello smokes ily
@jazz_inmypants @crocodilethumbs i do not @NewDadNotes breally? @KylePlantEmoji @jazz_inmypants This is too much power @KylePlantEmoji @jazz_inmypants wait a minuteif you’re not baja bfirst you’re baja blastThinking about the time that I said that I was distantly related to Marie Curie and a guy explained “It’s pronounced Mariah Carey”
Retweeted by m@thew2016: it’s only four years, how bad can it get 2021: are the armed insurrectionists storming the Capitol aware tha…
Retweeted by m@thewturning random internet drama into songs, part 2
Retweeted by m@thew @prestovision [midnight] ticket salesman: where to smalltown girl: anywhere ticket salesman: i have a train go… @prestovision tuberville sounds like the exact opposite of flavortown....can not explain @Ygrene i’m doing treason (treasure reason) (trying to figure out where some treasure is)One of our oldest comic brothers Brian from @TheUnderfold gives @ObscureAaron tribute.
Retweeted by m@thew
@BigTucsonDad @GooseIsland @GooseIsland if u hire russ i will be less sad and consider purchasing ur products with greater frequency @climaxximus heartbroken for you, my friend @MNateShyamalan @jazz_inmypants Everyone else in the room can see it Everyone else, but you, ooh @hog_mild ok ik it’s not the point but i am in love with the phrase “midnight banana”An Obscure Gentlemen from the man, the myth, the supporter @TweetPotato314
Retweeted by m@thew