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god's cruelest joke. wildly unsuccessful writer, critic, satirist, connoisseur of fine rubber cements

454 Following   227 Followers   6,242 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/26/16


https://t.co/IFummxhyvw https://t.co/JagfmRDov3
Retweeted by Type E @Millerheighife damn I never knew Australians could mate with humans @cesmoir damn you're a haggler. kidney it is then. I'll bronze it and put it on my desk, it'll look good @cesmoir let's meet in the middle - you give me some skin, but it can be from your back or ass, somewhere that doesn't show @cesmoir I need lots of teeth rn @cesmoir any teeth you're not particularly attached to? @kartermycroft I get around this problem by having no marketable skills @ghoulieschool if someone wants to DM me their HBO password so I can watch this show I'd be their friendjam out wit yer clam out https://t.co/DqzetwAMLEif anyone lost a scanner in the Raccoon River DM me. this took me away from valuable work so I will be charging a f… https://t.co/rxfoD3qCei @jacob_posts I share one with Putin
9/24
2020
@liluberdriver Latin chants are by any measure 1000 percent cooler than Christian rock @liluberdriver they had this one song that was like "FATHER GOD HELP ME GUIDE ME / AS I SWIM THROUGH A SEA OF FAILURE" it was pretty funny @liluberdriver there was this Christian rock venue in my town that I went to all the time cause it was minor-friend… https://t.co/YwsnDXhbcTHow I feel when I hit the loud https://t.co/XO5pRpd8F4
Retweeted by Type E
9/23
2020
@JuliusBarthelme the price of my silence is a 40pc Timbits and they all have to be Venetian cream @JuliusBarthelme I thought all Canadians by law had to at least pretend to like the Hipstill at it. F in the chat for this poor rodent getting owned by gravityI would have loved to grow up with the Neelix kind of autism but instead I got the Seven of Nine kindone thing you notice watching Star Trek: Voyager as an adult is that at least half the characters are obviously on the autism spectrumWoke up horny!!!! Someone’s gonna die today!!!!
Retweeted by Type EIf I didn't know that this man's name was Walton Goggins I would guess that this man's name was Walton Goggins https://t.co/35ys07TKdk
Retweeted by Type Esquirrel outside is extremely horny for the walnuts on my tree but the walnuts are too big and they keep falling out of his moutha Mossad agent lured Barschel to Geneva on the promise of some exculpatory evidence. he was found dead of "suicide"… https://t.co/XzFHHiaSFvUwe Barschel, minister-president of Schleswig-Holstein in West Germany, became aware of his state's ports being use… https://t.co/s4aQqM00Mvthe Barschel affair https://t.co/VX922Devao*snorts a line of cocaine* damn I suddenly have a lot of opinions about krautrock
9/22
2020
@Millerheighife this is a Voigt-Kampff test. if you RSVP a blade runner shows up at your house to retire youstill tickles me to no end that the guy who threw the shoe at Bush is on twitter and whenever anyone mentions the i… https://t.co/f1fp6zBd5npossibly the first shitposter as well - scholarship is divided on this topicAmbrose Bierce was the first irony guy in the modern sense of the wordI wish I could go back in time and watch the black hole scene from HIGH LIFE for the first time again and get that… https://t.co/yQzhJeRXZEMood https://t.co/Cc9J4Li5eS
Retweeted by Type E @AColdTurtle @shoe0nhead "fuck your questions, how bout you eat this bowl of shit instead peasant" @BAKKOOONN black hole scene legit gave me a panic attackmy new bit is calling my college years "undergrad" even though I never pursued any further education and do not plan to @madmanmarz85 Rear Window has a lot of contenders, Shia LaBoeuf did a movie I can't remember the name of that's bas… https://t.co/ZzKlC0f1zNthe thing to understand about the working class is that their daily lives are full of all the lurid drug sex and cr… https://t.co/erHnzH8CbpSHAMELESS is a show for suburbanites to watch and say wow I really understand poor people now, their problems are c… https://t.co/mqgznaRmrP @madmanmarz85 I feel like COLLATERAL took a lot from Hitchcock's "everyman gets mixed up in spy stuff" movies - THE… https://t.co/fIB313iRSqimagine the hubris it took to write a single word ever again after getting bodied this hard https://t.co/LzoE6qO364
9/21
2020
@jacob_posts you are weak and your bloodline will perishin addition to the n-, f-, r-, and t-words we now have the w-word, l-word, a-word, and several which can't be repre… https://t.co/buMYP6C87edown in my mad science laboratory inventing powerful new slurs @TankieSanders should have done this as that one meme with the guy tipping over progressively larger dominoes @sol_hestia piccadillo commensurate hootenanny chicanery winningest actionable wintry aegis tungsten serrated foist @lukeisamazing I remember seeing "Bart's Girlfriend" back when the show was on Thursday nights instead of Sunday. must've been like 7
9/20
2020
when you're high IQ like me you get really efficient at picking stuff up, so you can take a book for example, and r… https://t.co/SvelpJpW48If u lost ur pet pidgin /it’s dead in front yard my Iowa farm JUST DISCOVERED here r identifiers Right leg Blue 202… https://t.co/fcaCZtoDjo
Retweeted by Type E(in a universe where people do cocaine instead of drinking coffee) MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN (chuckling over a sweatshirt s… https://t.co/FHplT9YNT9
Retweeted by Type Ewiping away a tear at the thought of RBG in Heaven getting her pussy eaten out by Carrie FisherRBG meets Chadwick Boseman in Heaven. their egos have dissolved, their souls merged with the eternal; neither of th… https://t.co/Tkv8oJmOj4 @ed_solomon that time-honored method of voter outreach: naggingit all makes sense now https://t.co/mOuZHPJlfN
Retweeted by Type Edrinking lots of oat milk to make my ass fatterRBG meeting George H. W. Bush in heaven as he gives her a peck on the cheek. Scalia is there next to Prince, who is… https://t.co/YfvGQbSP0h
Retweeted by Type Ereading in this!! you know Twitter's not going to be any fun tonight! https://t.co/cV6D4cyaCV
9/19
2020
some mild boomerism, Maddow etc but you gotta expect thatthe album was technically pornography since Thelonius was getting blown under the piano (picture) https://t.co/0sfJFQq8Uy @s_amememe___ wow you seem real interesting. not like other guys that's for sure. love your hat btw, what did you… https://t.co/H6yP3zSNRuPlease help me make some @SpiritHalloween money https://t.co/c96EuJgTR1
Retweeted by Type EIn 2000 years Amazon will have perished but "Alexa!" will remain embedded in language as an interjection used to si… https://t.co/P4gW8mjFAT
Retweeted by Type Ewhen i’m feeling low i like to imagine rachel dolezal covered in dragon tattoos and holding a katana because she’s Yakuza now
Retweeted by Type E @Millerheighife changed it from "Beiden" at Ellis Island or wherever @Millerheighife "Biden" is a German nameiconic 9/11 post https://t.co/cCKfsAY4XsI sincerely love that Samuel R Delany only got twitter in July of this year and mostly uses it to post pictures of… https://t.co/5KoZ8Br36G @EtcMars @populistwonk @TankieSanders how ridiculous to insinuate such a thing https://t.co/DvxntYXONk @BAKKOOONN a decade earlier, this would've been "meh whatever" but by the mid-60s people knew what goddamn spacesuits looked like"The hills have eyes" is a cautionary tale about having some stuff https://t.co/ybkJuSOJWp
Retweeted by Type E @populistwonk @TankieSanders shhhhhh not so loud
9/18
2020
@TankieSanders ahhh you broke quarantine bro. we were supposed to wall her off and let her and her 20 full-time si… https://t.co/ArynugGDgU @revengeof90spod @CinemaUncanny it belonged to an old roommate whose DVDs got mixed in with mine during a moveout a… https://t.co/5KfjFjXd3t @revengeof90spod @CinemaUncanny just DM me next time I got the DVD @athenogenes @TallCoreopsis you can't materially improve your citizens' lives! that's cheating! @WetWorkWeWork https://t.co/f7aqUB1Cfamind you this is objectively better than when I was single and paid for an Obamacare plan I literally couldn't affo… https://t.co/4hLfSmk71dmy stepson had a dentist appt last December to fill a cavity. we had to wait months to get into one of the 2 or 3 d… https://t.co/mHiuTizFHrshitlibs love to say "X get medicaid", "Y get Medicare", "Z get insurance through their employer" as if these state… https://t.co/WUeJ2IC3rZ @TankieSanders is there a single "anti-liberal" online subculture that doesn't eventually meme itself into basic bitch conservatiam @TankieSanders oh my God this is just "conservatism is the new punk rock" filtered through several more layers of o… https://t.co/uFwWJQLZJbaccidentally gave myself an aneurysm imagining Jonathan Coulton covering "Jocko Homo" and calling it "Puppo Doggo" @seanmurphylsat @FungeonMaster1 @devilknowsfire @mbplitt @canderaid @TaylorLorenz exit polling in every single prim… https://t.co/bmM9y4Xy8l @seanmurphylsat @canderaid @TaylorLorenz my stepson had a dental appointment last December. we had to make an appt… https://t.co/j24y8xCRNe @SweetEggPerson @TankieSanders ...so your big 'gotcha' is that street art critical of conservatives appeared in New York City? @TankieSanders makes sense. she put on Chucks to appeal to suburban kids, Timbs for the suburban dads, and soon sh… https://t.co/wfEEV5X3D1 @jacob_posts have you ever seen NO? it's a movie about the 88 plebescite and the ad guy the opposition hired to do… https://t.co/56sfEWXxZ0 @jacob_posts my dad has 5 brothers and all of them have the exact same initials. tried to do that shit with me and… https://t.co/8X11Is0WqR @jacob_posts imo 7 kids is where it starts getting crazy, but if you start your kids' names with the same letter or… https://t.co/8q2WnJNiKehttps://t.co/As0XeBw5y3
9/17
2020
last night my neighbor got drunk, passed out on his stoop & pissed his pants - I helped him inside, not cause I'm s… https://t.co/lI9dEsq097I kind of like it when a tiny little woman drives a massive truck or van @jacob_posts Trump has a very distinctive appearance, voice and comportment and it's frankly damning how few comedi… https://t.co/NNKP69szFF @jacob_posts Alec Baldwin's Trump sucks shit!!! no one can do better than that???aw yeah https://t.co/Jt0mZ9F4Qxhi yeah I found a bunch of swords in the sauna. do you have a lost&found. and also another towel https://t.co/tMZcktH7L3 @antinumber https://t.co/iEWMOeP15Ksmells like you pissed in a pot of beans. get those pissbeans outta my face https://t.co/uQhwlT15Pl
9/16
2020

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