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Humorist, mom, curmudgeon. Writing @paulryangosling, @tnyshouts, @McSweeneys, @texasmonthly, and notes left on cars parked by assholes.

2,928 Following   18,460 Followers   26,178 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/4/09


This morning I messaged @Lizz_Porter to ask if her home in Colfax was okay, and she said it was. An hour later, it… https://t.co/4Z3Qezd8M8 @hollyfirestone I also like, “Therefore … please withdraw my pageant application.”Whenever my husband is typing away on his laptop, I like to say something like, “And in conclusion…I will never fre… https://t.co/czTuxB1Je9Tamarack the cub dug out of his facility and is now on the loose. He’s probably looking for his mom he lost in the… https://t.co/AWmoJ0BXG6I liked “Stillwater” a lot, but for my money, Talented Ripley Matt Damon is a better Matt Damon than Luv’s truck stop Matt Damon.
8/5
2021
We’re at Tahoe and our usual spot is closed because a chipmunk tested positive for the plague. What a country! @Chookooloonks They just celebrated 59 years so I know they’re fine but also … wut?“Duct-Taped to My Airplane Seat” is a brilliant song title.
8/4
2021
I get a lot of compliments on my leggings, and people have asked where they can find them. Saks? Nordstrom? Not exa… https://t.co/9tSv559R3T
8/3
2021
I just saw “The Green Knight” and the only part of the movie I understood is that Dev Patel is very handsome.
8/2
2021
Abuse during pregnancy can lead to homicide, suicide and drug overdose, the leading causes of pregnancy-associated… https://t.co/6JJCo3Rbax
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsWe just found out that my parents are paying $27 a month for AOL. Feel free to join me in a gasp.
8/1
2021
We stopped in a gas station in the little desert town of Beatty, Nevada where wild donkeys roam the streets and a m… https://t.co/WNRCMcNZkE @austin360 I’m worried. @KathMSchmidt Yes, for both kids and it was money well spent.Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose. But your life. https://t.co/h6PdvhCcmB
7/31
2021
@joan_mediator 1. Thirsty & Hungry 2 and 3. I think so @DevorahBlachor Proud to say I saw them in concert in Reno in 1986.MTV turns 40! Here are the first 100 videos they aired, which everyone in GenX has seen approximately 2 million tim… https://t.co/1Tg9Etf92kGeorgia in Las Cruces, New Mexico. https://t.co/JOkcOKHocX
7/30
2021
Has the Greek tourism board ever used the slogan “Greece is the time, is the place, is the motion, Greece is the way we are feeling”?
7/29
2021
Thank you to everyone who has made donations to FUTURES in support of #ActiBlizzWalkout. 💚We agree that harassment… https://t.co/7YOKWb8mIc
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @BlakeKimzey We're headed that way tomorrow. Fingers crossed! @gesinebp Quicksand, and being trapped in a room with Rod Stewart while he sings "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy"Chip Roy is my rep. So happy he's taking on the huge challenges we Texans face, like whether or not his stupid face… https://t.co/R8b0BePMoK @Kathy_Valentine @ZZTop Oh no. I'm so sorry, Kathy.One of my all time favorites. https://t.co/PAq6MyUaDtMy gymnastics floor routine music would be "Baby Elephant Walk"
7/28
2021
@GuerillaMemoir @mannahattamamma Who who who?? @mannahattamamma Oh boy @Meganfangirl Wasn’t me!
7/27
2021
Let the record show: We waited until July 26, 2021 to start watching “The Wire” for the third time. At least now it… https://t.co/D2WhOJIuFX @Leahruns100 And entitled.I’m so exhausted by the “I didn’t believe in the fire department until after my house burned down” way of thinking. @baileybea Yikes. We stayed at the TRU in Amarillo last year, and liked it!I just saw the movie OLD where vacationing women rapidly age on the beach, but I call bullshit because there wasn’t… https://t.co/MZylm1oTni
7/26
2021
@jentaub @DrJasonJohnson George isn't at homeLast night at the theater, two women in their 70's were in our seats. One said, "We'll move if you want us to, but… https://t.co/zmPR8f4fQC
7/25
2021
@kellybergin @katierosman I hope he’s getting some Gertie snuggles.
7/23
2021
Our freezer broke, so tonight's dinner is Swedish meatballs, Kung Pao chicken, potstickers, and raspberry sorbet. W… https://t.co/fN6URIlRrp @wlampner Agree! My kids are older, so I’m wondering how parents are handling that age now for something I’m writing. @Dadcation Do you let them text friends? @jesslahey If it was fire ants, like we have in Texas, it's hell on earth. Only time will make it stop hurting. :(When my son was four, we went to a new doctor. He entered the exam room, and Sam quietly gasped, “Boys can be docto… https://t.co/WMaMQdJ7EL
7/22
2021
Our life in the big Texas cities is so different than our deranged leadership might lead you to believe. https://t.co/MmEE7ES8lH
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @thismaya Was there perhaps a mirror at yoga class? @twishart Shoot, I forgot to list the pattern creator. It's Emma Congden.Sometimes I think my Roomba puts itself in danger just to get my attention
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsJust finished this cross-stitch of the four seasons. Whew. https://t.co/6g2EfC6rhK @Maybelline74 It’s wild!The summer’s hottest mystery illness for the hypochondriac in your group text to claim they have is Havana Syndrome… https://t.co/LsTuW0Ed15
7/21
2021
@Pixieelves Oh my god— someone gave those to my kids years ago!The Texas GOP banned public schools from teaching that the KKK is bad and evil, so I’ll be passing out a “White Hoo… https://t.co/rMBiu0reQVNot wearing a mask and feeling optimistic about the future was sure a fun 15 minutes. @arnebya whatttttt @pamelacolloff Oh it was mostly a little side project but I’ll never mix them up again! @pamelacolloff That exact mistake led to me getting fired after it was printed on a huge amount of products. 😬 @helloroxsar 🙄 @kellybergin No, but you’re too young!I’m not a trained psychiatrist but I’ve watched someone go through a midlife crisis on Instagram for the past year… https://t.co/E2GKoAzP2z
7/20
2021
@KelseyByron1 Always. @debontherocks She's a very kinky girl, one that likes to buy Chobani.I was really impressed that my grocery store was blasting Rick James songs this morning until I realized it was act… https://t.co/OBA3wFO5Cw
7/19
2021
@HeatherBarmore @TheBloggess @lmayes @NowhereBookshop Come down! @designmom @TheBloggess @lmayes @NowhereBookshop There needs to be a French Nowhere store.Today @TheBloggess gave me and @lmayes a tour of her @NowhereBookshop that’s opening tomorrow! It’s as wonderful a… https://t.co/Y74UbY3hbNI hate all of my clothes and nothing fits right, so I have told all of my friends to just expect me to be in the sa… https://t.co/r7GcaseYYj
7/18
2021
@OldAintDead Nope. @OldAintDead Didn't care for episode one.Austin: There are a lot of fake "Hamilton" tickets for the @tpapresents shows being offered online, but tickets ar… https://t.co/wM10CYF1y5 @DinaGachman Obviously @Kathy_Valentine
7/17
2021
Our fuckwads would just storm Applebee’s. https://t.co/CobqT4fy2T @SueSwyt @polly_905 My younger son said, "He's not 12!" about his brother when we were pulling that scam in a resta… https://t.co/au6uvwqYaINobody looks more like they’re getting high off their own supply than the receptionists at a med spa clinic.
7/16
2021
@thismaya "Why pay for sandwiches that aren't as good as mom's?" @Patrixmyth Oh no!The other night I went to a ticketed outdoor concert and there was a family that set up their chairs right outside… https://t.co/E6yBc9hvNX @oureric "Nice jacket." "Nice hair." @julieinthelou Better than Youagain?I don't know what the medication is that Khloe Kardashian is pushing in the ad that shows her picking up popcorn w… https://t.co/SPkb5uVZaRThe family that insurrects together stays together. #GOPFamilyValues #TraditionalValues https://t.co/iqa5pQKKcq @FowlerSarah I just read that and YES. What a story.It’s so bizarre that they’re interviewing MLB players while they’re playing. I can’t even work on my puzzle and tal… https://t.co/kqWdX9yf5YFive years ago I went to Malawi with Heifer and saw their amazing work in action. Even the smallest contribution ma… https://t.co/IxeTzqVhlr
7/14
2021
Texas House Democrats will be going live in a press conference from Capitol Hill at 10:00am. Follow along live at… https://t.co/zU9OcDqMSS
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsLet’s support Texas House Democrats as they take the fight to our nation’s capitol to inspire the U.S. Senate to do… https://t.co/I0GZQJKJKE
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @kgreen https://t.co/SpUNFyP8secc: @HeatherBarmore @QuartCourt Right?!If you’re in DC and happen to meet one of the Texas Dem lawmakers that left our state in protest of Governor Abbott… https://t.co/lAh4YTikOm
7/13
2021
@staceyigraham Our bus drivers would forage for magic mushrooms while we danced, then drive us home. 😬 @scotchfulyyours One of the best voices ever.Imagine a record company using Lizzo's voice (without her knowledge) for a video where a thin model lip syncs. That… https://t.co/gIu8Q2uikj @ohlalola It's a long game, and what isn't working today will maybe work at another time. Or something else will co… https://t.co/SKhmXXIrjdGood news: Texas AG @KenPaxtonTX was successfully sued for blocking Texans. Bad news: Now I have to see his dumbass… https://t.co/bP1b14uO5FI admit I was scared that “The Beatles Redux” at @zachtheatre would be 4 guys in wigs, but it’s so not that. When a… https://t.co/6bbJSJ6HOF
7/12
2021
"Your password is too easy to guess." Well, only if you know my cat's nickname, stupid. @joan_mediator I'm a total Gladys.If you’re over the age of 45, you’re contractually obligated to say, “What’s going on out there, Gladys Kravitz?” w… https://t.co/DmJgK4zluAThinking about how this man came so close to being our Senator instead of that traitorous, lazy Cruz, shy just 225k… https://t.co/J5KLO6pMFr
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons
7/11
2021

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