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Humorist, mom, curmudgeon. Writer of @paulryangosling, USWeekly Fashion Police, @tnyshouts, @McSweeneys, and notes left on cars parked by assholes.

3,161 Following   18,031 Followers   24,083 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/4/09


Join @LisaLing on 12/8 for the #AllinForKidsCA Parents Summit as she helps raise awareness about the increased trau… https://t.co/dy7Tu3tYWV
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @genevievejude I had one of those neon cacti in 1988. Don't know what happened to it.I hope every Medal of Freedom given between 2017-2020 has an asterisk next to it when listed. @RachelYoder War of the Roses @shuggilippo Thank you for sharing! @GoonSquadSarah Yeah, not sure how that happened, but I do like it. @Plasstastic Join the clubMy most listened to song on Spotify in 2020 was, wait for it, "I Like It" by DeBarge. Whaaaaaat. @TomRussell8 @WritersLeague Ahhh back in the grooming days of yoreThink funny writers are natural comedians? Not always! @WendiAarons's class will introduce tips, tricks, and easy w… https://t.co/IFkaH6MAhZ
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @lacy_crawford @jesslahey Little clogs... @lacy_crawford @jesslahey Excuse me, that was the GLORIA Happy Hour setLots of serious news today, but I’m waiting for Catturd’s take. @asideofrice @Always What?! @Kathy_Valentine I don't believe it!!
12/2
2020
@SharynVane @webbeditor How many boutique hotels do the three of us have on speed dial?I thought it'd be fun to watch "Reversal of Fortune" last night, then remembered Alan Dershowitz is a character and said, "Eww." @shannonrwatts GASP @SharynVane @webbeditor IS IT FOR SALEUS & 🌎 GBV Survivors need your help to find safety & rebuild their lives. 👉https://t.co/aKrhVL4US8 Thanks to the D… https://t.co/iXTsKfVWIi
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @braintree_ @BethvilleMayor Comes with "office stationary"! Not office stationery! @BethvilleMayor Same. And the one review by a grandma whose grandson loves this set is quite nice.Walmart's toys have taken an odd turn. Meet you at Gloria's. https://t.co/zjoNSG054C @griner Hoping I'm in the delightful dirtbag category @elizmccracken You supposed erroneously. @ccarfi Lots of radiators here in Austin.I do not have time to investigate the Utah monolith because I’m far too busy uncovering who left empty mini bottles… https://t.co/bl18adUIKFPOTUS retweeting “Catturd” is so uncomfortably on brand for 2020. @realDonaldTrump please go to bed https://t.co/9zRPhsv9Td
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @MKBackstrom @realDonaldTrump Oh lordy @Mom101 @farahlearned @mommyshorts This Lutheran also hates backyard trampolines. #liability @meril_c @kmozymoz Oh! I forgot about this show! A plan for the night. @mommyshorts @farahlearned Well, that explains why this Lutheran goes nuts around it. @BrandyZadrozny Soooo good
12/1
2020
We're excited to announce that our upcoming #AllinForKidsCA virtual series will feature a special interview between… https://t.co/Vxxg2AxnvN
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsTomorrow is book launch day for my friend @KJDellAntonia's fun novel "The Chicken Sisters." I love this book--it's… https://t.co/oNBo5vomEk @SarahTeacherMom NopeGiving Kendra Scott gifts to the special people in your life this holiday season? Use code GIVEBACK-04FQ on… https://t.co/7RZYBtELoh
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @laurajenx No, LT.My high school son has a "lock-down drill" tomorrow even though he goes to school remotely due to COVID. He's suppo… https://t.co/qv5p6NpcXAMy horoscope says today is a great day for a "wardrobe upgrade." *takes off grey leggings, puts on dark grey leggings* @JohnCornyn Once again I wonder if you're this stupid or truly don't give a shit about Texans. Probably both. @LyndaObst I mean, there are signs.If you’re a “successful therapist”, wouldn’t you know if your husband is a sociopath? I suspect that my husband is… https://t.co/qyUwF7BIIh @gesinebp @babyrabies Yes! That’s right! Maybe it’s Mittelschmerz (not Maybelline)
11/30
2020
@babyrabies Fair, but maybe go see the doc. @babyrabies I don’t think you’re old enough for that?My iPhone usage was down 20% last week, but it’s not because I’ve become more well adjusted, it’s because it’s hard… https://t.co/LMKqAqKsgw @urbanmommies Haaaaa oh god @BethanySWinters @shanenickerson I call him Maurice. @marnoldesque LISA had it on her closet doorI texted my mom a link to the vinyl my son has on his Xmas list and she said, “This is an LP? Sure looks weirder th… https://t.co/7k5Uz3dVsC @debenham “Oily bohunk” befuddled me for years.
11/29
2020
I just read “American Dirt”, and the best part about that novel is it compelled me to order two books by @Urrealismhttps://t.co/WCrjvHs8okMariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @willsommer Bizarro Robert Redford @oureric Nothing like a holding a movie grudge with popcorn in your stomach. @MollyJongFast He’s a complete fuckface
11/28
2020
@mneelzy Seriously! @karengerwin 😬😬😬😬I do love seeing all of the small family Thanksgiving pictures. Maybe it’s just my perception, but everyone looks m… https://t.co/JNBRJoxYMh
11/27
2020
I’ve won like 12 virtual Turkey Trots this morning. @karianneholt I thought those were cultures @TheRealDaveShaw Absolutely nothing but it’s the only clean bowl I had. @CleverTitleTK Link?
11/26
2020
@dewlaps Oh yeah not Happy 😬 @ChrisHeil1 Allllll of it @dewlaps So fascinating. @dewlaps Happy Valley? @melisalw Yesssss and super creepy Eric RobertsI’m in bed eating Trader Joe’s gnocchi out of a measuring bowl and watching “Star 80”—highly recommend. @kathyblackwell @paulaforbes Yes! I'll just put it in the pan, then lie down for 90% of the show. @VikkiLReich Perfect! I might have one of the crockpots that catch fire, though.What I need is something like "Recipes for the Inattentive Cook." Like things that won't burn when I wander away to… https://t.co/ZQ56x5cBTl @VikkiLReich @NatashaNicholes okay maybe not that one unless nobody could find a turkey that year @VikkiLReich @NatashaNicholes That all clocks for North Dakota.Much more helpful than Mike Pence’s recipe for not being alone with a woman creature. https://t.co/BApMcdWBurIt’ll be nice to have a First Lady who doesn’t turn everything into a Drakkar Noir photo shoot. https://t.co/Bqfv64XiGG
11/25
2020
I'm not waitin' on a lady, I'm just waitin' for the plumber who's supposed to be here between 1-5pm and who could also be a lady. @MKBackstrom @lauriewrites I noticed that, too. Miss Clairol #45 Lost.Ten bucks the turkey asked for a mask. https://t.co/CEoSEDsBc4This week feels like that part of a horror movie when the killer is sprawled on the floor and we THINK he’s dead bu… https://t.co/3wmZcIEkrj
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsComedy is a craft that can be learned like any other. Discover how to write funny with @WendiAarons! RSVP:… https://t.co/aIxuULIVrS
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsEvery time NPR has a Trump voter on the air, I switch to my Luther Vandross playlist. I listen to a lot of Luther Vandross.I not superstitious, but it might be a good idea to fill Stephen Miller’s WH office with cement. Close up the portal to hell and all that. @kbert I’m giving the new HONY book.GSA Emily has been horrible, but it isn’t right that people threatened her pets. I hope those 25 cats are safe and sound.
11/24
2020
@SharSimWrites Well, you'd do it even if he didn't say to, let's be honest. @finslippy oh FFS @ericsjefferson It's going to be a big adjustment for us.Imagine that: a National Security Advisor who isn't actually a national security risk! https://t.co/1QawzOKWYe @Gayer_Than_Thou @melisalw There is a shrine to him at the Dr Pepper museum in Waco. I've visited it. @hollyfirestone (shhhhhh) @SingleMomsTales Diet Rite! @melisalw No more no more fakin' itLet's please not Coke/Pepsi the vaccines and fight over the best one. I'll happily take the RC Cola of vaccines. Gi… https://t.co/2m79R49q1X @Faith_Salie I credit it to a late 60's creative parenting phase. (And I was born in North Dakota, so maybe it was a hinterland thing?) @Faith_Salie Hey now @NicoleBlades I think you should say something. @NicoleBlades wut @JennaEllisEsq Don't you ever get tired of your own bullshit?
11/23
2020

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