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Humorist, mom, curmudgeon. Writer of @paulryangosling, USWeekly Fashion Police, @tnyshouts, @McSweeneys, and notes left on cars parked by assholes.

3,161 Following   18,031 Followers   24,083 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/4/09

Join @LisaLing on 12/8 for the #AllinForKidsCA Parents Summit as she helps raise awareness about the increased trau…
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @genevievejude I had one of those neon cacti in 1988. Don't know what happened to it.I hope every Medal of Freedom given between 2017-2020 has an asterisk next to it when listed. @RachelYoder War of the Roses @shuggilippo Thank you for sharing! @GoonSquadSarah Yeah, not sure how that happened, but I do like it. @Plasstastic Join the clubMy most listened to song on Spotify in 2020 was, wait for it, "I Like It" by DeBarge. Whaaaaaat. @TomRussell8 @WritersLeague Ahhh back in the grooming days of yoreThink funny writers are natural comedians? Not always! @WendiAarons's class will introduce tips, tricks, and easy w…
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @lacy_crawford @jesslahey Little clogs... @lacy_crawford @jesslahey Excuse me, that was the GLORIA Happy Hour setLots of serious news today, but I’m waiting for Catturd’s take. @asideofrice @Always What?! @Kathy_Valentine I don't believe it!!
@SharynVane @webbeditor How many boutique hotels do the three of us have on speed dial?I thought it'd be fun to watch "Reversal of Fortune" last night, then remembered Alan Dershowitz is a character and said, "Eww." @shannonrwatts GASP @SharynVane @webbeditor IS IT FOR SALEUS & 🌎 GBV Survivors need your help to find safety & rebuild their lives. 👉 Thanks to the D…
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @braintree_ @BethvilleMayor Comes with "office stationary"! Not office stationery! @BethvilleMayor Same. And the one review by a grandma whose grandson loves this set is quite nice.Walmart's toys have taken an odd turn. Meet you at Gloria's. @griner Hoping I'm in the delightful dirtbag category @elizmccracken You supposed erroneously. @ccarfi Lots of radiators here in Austin.I do not have time to investigate the Utah monolith because I’m far too busy uncovering who left empty mini bottles… retweeting “Catturd” is so uncomfortably on brand for 2020. @realDonaldTrump please go to bed
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @MKBackstrom @realDonaldTrump Oh lordy @Mom101 @farahlearned @mommyshorts This Lutheran also hates backyard trampolines. #liability @meril_c @kmozymoz Oh! I forgot about this show! A plan for the night. @mommyshorts @farahlearned Well, that explains why this Lutheran goes nuts around it. @BrandyZadrozny Soooo good
We're excited to announce that our upcoming #AllinForKidsCA virtual series will feature a special interview between…
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsTomorrow is book launch day for my friend @KJDellAntonia's fun novel "The Chicken Sisters." I love this book--it's… @SarahTeacherMom NopeGiving Kendra Scott gifts to the special people in your life this holiday season? Use code GIVEBACK-04FQ on…
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @laurajenx No, LT.My high school son has a "lock-down drill" tomorrow even though he goes to school remotely due to COVID. He's suppo… horoscope says today is a great day for a "wardrobe upgrade." *takes off grey leggings, puts on dark grey leggings* @JohnCornyn Once again I wonder if you're this stupid or truly don't give a shit about Texans. Probably both. @LyndaObst I mean, there are signs.If you’re a “successful therapist”, wouldn’t you know if your husband is a sociopath? I suspect that my husband is… @gesinebp @babyrabies Yes! That’s right! Maybe it’s Mittelschmerz (not Maybelline)
@babyrabies Fair, but maybe go see the doc. @babyrabies I don’t think you’re old enough for that?My iPhone usage was down 20% last week, but it’s not because I’ve become more well adjusted, it’s because it’s hard… @urbanmommies Haaaaa oh god @BethanySWinters @shanenickerson I call him Maurice. @marnoldesque LISA had it on her closet doorI texted my mom a link to the vinyl my son has on his Xmas list and she said, “This is an LP? Sure looks weirder th… @debenham “Oily bohunk” befuddled me for years.
I just read “American Dirt”, and the best part about that novel is it compelled me to order two books by @Urrealism Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Retweeted by Wendi Aarons @willsommer Bizarro Robert Redford @oureric Nothing like a holding a movie grudge with popcorn in your stomach. @MollyJongFast He’s a complete fuckface
@mneelzy Seriously! @karengerwin 😬😬😬😬I do love seeing all of the small family Thanksgiving pictures. Maybe it’s just my perception, but everyone looks m…
I’ve won like 12 virtual Turkey Trots this morning. @karianneholt I thought those were cultures @TheRealDaveShaw Absolutely nothing but it’s the only clean bowl I had. @CleverTitleTK Link?
@dewlaps Oh yeah not Happy 😬 @ChrisHeil1 Allllll of it @dewlaps So fascinating. @dewlaps Happy Valley? @melisalw Yesssss and super creepy Eric RobertsI’m in bed eating Trader Joe’s gnocchi out of a measuring bowl and watching “Star 80”—highly recommend. @kathyblackwell @paulaforbes Yes! I'll just put it in the pan, then lie down for 90% of the show. @VikkiLReich Perfect! I might have one of the crockpots that catch fire, though.What I need is something like "Recipes for the Inattentive Cook." Like things that won't burn when I wander away to… @VikkiLReich @NatashaNicholes okay maybe not that one unless nobody could find a turkey that year @VikkiLReich @NatashaNicholes That all clocks for North Dakota.Much more helpful than Mike Pence’s recipe for not being alone with a woman creature.’ll be nice to have a First Lady who doesn’t turn everything into a Drakkar Noir photo shoot.
I'm not waitin' on a lady, I'm just waitin' for the plumber who's supposed to be here between 1-5pm and who could also be a lady. @MKBackstrom @lauriewrites I noticed that, too. Miss Clairol #45 Lost.Ten bucks the turkey asked for a mask. week feels like that part of a horror movie when the killer is sprawled on the floor and we THINK he’s dead bu…
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsComedy is a craft that can be learned like any other. Discover how to write funny with @WendiAarons! RSVP:…
Retweeted by Wendi AaronsEvery time NPR has a Trump voter on the air, I switch to my Luther Vandross playlist. I listen to a lot of Luther Vandross.I not superstitious, but it might be a good idea to fill Stephen Miller’s WH office with cement. Close up the portal to hell and all that. @kbert I’m giving the new HONY book.GSA Emily has been horrible, but it isn’t right that people threatened her pets. I hope those 25 cats are safe and sound.
@SharSimWrites Well, you'd do it even if he didn't say to, let's be honest. @finslippy oh FFS @ericsjefferson It's going to be a big adjustment for us.Imagine that: a National Security Advisor who isn't actually a national security risk! @Gayer_Than_Thou @melisalw There is a shrine to him at the Dr Pepper museum in Waco. I've visited it. @hollyfirestone (shhhhhh) @SingleMomsTales Diet Rite! @melisalw No more no more fakin' itLet's please not Coke/Pepsi the vaccines and fight over the best one. I'll happily take the RC Cola of vaccines. Gi… @Faith_Salie I credit it to a late 60's creative parenting phase. (And I was born in North Dakota, so maybe it was a hinterland thing?) @Faith_Salie Hey now @NicoleBlades I think you should say something. @NicoleBlades wut @JennaEllisEsq Don't you ever get tired of your own bullshit?