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@tkohl @ShootyDoody 😂omgAn emotional storm unleashed because your joint checking account was flooded with overdraft fees. After all, he was… https://t.co/LbDkhUhMiX
Retweeted by AdamI eat waffles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 3 square meals a day!
Retweeted by AdamChristopher Walken but when there’s music Christopher Waltzen.
Retweeted by AdamI'd be a very nice person if not for other people.
Retweeted by AdamI'm not going to workout, but if I do, I'll have plenty of calories.
Retweeted by AdamLettuce put this conversation in the past. You mesclun known it would go this way, alfalfa tell the truth, I won’t… https://t.co/aknzjRnWOU
Retweeted by Adami pulled the sugar glider out of my bra to lighten the mood at the end of all three virtual support groups i ran to… https://t.co/D51f2xvEmW
Retweeted by AdamSaid Chick-fil-A fries are terrible & IPAs taste like soap & now I have angry Priuses circling my cul-de-sac blaring NPR.
Retweeted by AdamPartner so 🔥, you make s'mores on that fine ass.
Retweeted by Adam @TheDreReichDude @FeralFerrell Ok so you make a strong point 😂Did Ratt & Poison ever go on tour? If they did, are the fans ok?[my first day at the vodka distillery] -ONE POTATO, TWO POTATO, THREE POTATO, FOUR! FIVE POTATO- Supervisor: whoa… https://t.co/z86RbIobtAWife: Did you take my package? Me: Could you let go of my package?
Retweeted by AdamNow I lay me down to sleep. If I don't get some excitement soon I just might make a fleet.
Retweeted by AdamMe: I'm tired 6 yr old: You should drink electric lights. Me: What? 6 yr old: The school nurse told us to drink el… https://t.co/DyFMcMrJIb
Retweeted by AdamI laid down some fresh turf and now I've got a bunch of other tough guys orbiting around trying to encroach on it.… https://t.co/Gi3hoHuOcX
Retweeted by AdamI'm not saying I would trade sexual favors for some bbq potato chips, but I'm also not saying it's outside the realm of possibilities.
Retweeted by AdamTrying to piece my life back together using chips and dip.
Retweeted by AdamWhen it comes to fast food and sex, what's your personal choice? I feel like as far as masturbatory aids go, nacho… https://t.co/9DxMo5aAuk
Retweeted by AdamYou can rest assured I love free chips and salsa more than I love you.
Retweeted by Adam*eats chips and salsa in a bowl with a spoon like spicy cereal*
Retweeted by Adam*before bar room brawl Bartender, here is my health insurance and emergency contacts.
Retweeted by AdamAt the bar drunk af. Think I've got 2 contacts in one eye. Winking at everybody. Either going to get laid or get my ass beat.
Retweeted by AdamIf this dude at the bar doesn’t stop throwing me the stink eye, I’m gonna have to whoop his ass in an interpretive dance-off.
Retweeted by AdamIf he calls his penis his "mini me", just pull your underwear back up and go home.
Retweeted by AdamThe only Sports I play is the Huey Lewis album.
Retweeted by AdamI’m in a codependent relationship with this chocolate bar
Retweeted by AdamI get so confused when I see a seagull not near the sea like buddy where do you think you’re going
Retweeted by AdamIf you say “bless you” to dogs when they sneeze, you’re my kind of person.
Retweeted by Adam @Hammyinmiami My mother wanted to name me ashleigh Megan, my father wanted to name me gruselda Olga, they compromis… https://t.co/DCAO6foRUn
Retweeted by AdamWith all this butthole talk just stay alert kids... https://t.co/8gfzgv2gEc
Retweeted by AdamGoogles....What is the appropriate length of “time out“ for construction workers.
Retweeted by AdamDo parent’s punish children by giving them shitty middle names? Mine is Edna.
Retweeted by AdamGalahad was admired for his chastity? Sounds more like Galahad no game.
Retweeted by Adamlazy gf and smart bf ..... that
Retweeted by AdamYou regret your mistakes. I learn from mine. We are not the same.
Retweeted by AdamI was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Retweeted by AdamSerious question: How TF are Peeps still a thing?
Retweeted by AdamIf you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Retweeted by AdamSo I have never seen The Bee Movie but my wife was just telling me about it and it sounds NUTS. Something about bee… https://t.co/2WgKjyInnX
Retweeted by AdamI’m not sure about ya all but... I just ate pasta for a year straight, Wasn’t judged for drinking at noon on a Mon… https://t.co/prYAAD2i4w
Retweeted by Adam*stranded on a deserted island* Message in a bottle: Daddy, can you bring me a glass of water?
Retweeted by AdamParker Plainface 2: Plain Boogaloo https://t.co/TfTRdAuXXk
Retweeted by AdamDisney is good at showing kids how to fall in love in 8 hours, and terrible at showing them how to get a job using their degree.youth pastor: you know who else was considered a daft punk
Retweeted by AdamYes, I can dig it!* *a shallow grave
Retweeted by AdamDear people who make workout videos, you don't have to put words like "intense" and "insane" in the description. My body figured it out.
Retweeted by AdamI forgot the term “Pyrotechnics” and called it man-made thunderstorms.
Retweeted by AdamThe older I get the more I prefer listening to talking.
Retweeted by AdamI went from being a home kindergarten teacher with my 5-year-old to checking Twitter and finding that I can been ki… https://t.co/3cq65jeTeA
Retweeted by AdamWife: Could you at least TRY to use less Star Wars quotes when you talk to me? Me: Do, or do not....there is no tr… https://t.co/QBBBg0gUMY
Retweeted by AdamThem: May I ask you a question Me: Nachos Them: I haven't asked the question Me: Nachos is always the answer
Retweeted by AdamApparently when you hold the Doritos bag up to your ear, you can hear your bathroom scales crack.
Retweeted by AdamA runner, a cross-fitter, and a vegan walk into a bar ... Lol, just kidding.
Retweeted by AdamIt’s national sniff your puppers feetsies day and argue over whether they smell like popcorn or corn chips.
Retweeted by Adamthigh gap? who would ever WANT a thigh gap? Then all the dropped Doritos would fall to the floor. stupid.
Retweeted by AdamMild salsa is only acceptable if you're celebrating Cinco de Mayo in The Mexican Pavillion at Epcot Center.
Retweeted by AdamI just told her a funny joke https://t.co/2TgIAx1rAw
Retweeted by AdamDrake: Rapunzel, Rapunzel! let down your hair! [flush] Rapunzel: There ya go, that was in my hair brush.3 just declared that she hates clavicles, and now I guess I have to destroy them all.Living in NH is wild like you can be legally blind and have a driver's license and seatbelts or helmets are optiona… https://t.co/PvKRR7LXzX
Retweeted by AdamGuy trying to impress me with selfies in my DM's is really making my BF look even hotter.
Retweeted by AdamEveryday I wake up and chose anarchy and broken shit so I might get a cat
Retweeted by AdamSomeone thanked me, and, caught between 'ok' and 'alright', I whispered 'karate' back at them.
Retweeted by AdamTwitter is great for raising your self esteem high enough so it will die from the fall when Twitter inevitably pushes it off its perch.
Retweeted by AdamI got panda costume pajamas for the family and now the puppy thinks we are giant chew toys. So instead of a fun fam… https://t.co/pa9wotuhaJ
Retweeted by AdamNext time I’ll be more careful. I tried to record The Devil Wears Prada but I accidentally got The Devil Wears Nada… https://t.co/knjdvU2EPK
Retweeted by AdamBreakfast: Coffee Lunch: Coffee Dinner: 1.5 Large Pizzas
Retweeted by AdamA methadone clinic, but for Reese’s peanut butter eggs.
Retweeted by Adam[during sex] me: are you sure you wanna do this; you know i’m fat, right?
Retweeted by Adam @perlhack 😂😂😂why did they call it Canada Dry instead of Ginger Eh'l?
Retweeted by Adam @SpicyMeatbulb 😂 that’s right!I got yelled at for mixing the wet dog food in too fast with the dry dog food, if you all want to know what it’s like to be married.

What happens when you drop a PTA meeting on the floor? YOU BLOW IT OFFNo one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Retweeted by AdamNobody in the office told me we were off today. Upside is, I won't have to sleep in the bathroom.
Retweeted by AdamDoctors can now test for COVID anally. Good news is at least you get a call back in the morning.
Retweeted by AdamDo fat girls in Rio speak pig latin?
Retweeted by AdamI'm not getting old, my clothes are just coming back into fashion.
Retweeted by AdamFriend: How is your superstitious group therapy going. Me: Terrible. No one can get up the nerve to go.
Retweeted by AdamTriscuits taste like if a Dorito and a cereal box had sex.
Retweeted by Adam“People say we New Yorkers are neurotic, but that’s just not true,” she said to her friend during her dog’s Bar Mitzvah.
Retweeted by Adam“Are you my Daddy?,” works well in family court and at the gay bar.
Retweeted by AdamOpening a gay bar. Naming it Stimulus Package.
Retweeted by AdamReplace one word in a movie title with "butthole."
Retweeted by AdamMy 12 year old just told me that if the years had a group chat and 2020 said hey, it would be booted immediately
Retweeted by AdamSomeone on Twitter just referred to me as shy, so I guess this is a catfish account now.
Retweeted by AdamTriathletes aren’t quite there yet, BUT THEY ARE TRYING."WORKSHOP WEDNESDAY" TWEET CALL My draft folder is full of half written jokes. How 'bout you? Share ONE joke i… https://t.co/U0217VPfCX
Retweeted by AdamTo those of you participating in extended conversations in the replies under my retweets: the rent is due.
Retweeted by AdamI'm glad I didn't inherit the Bitch Gene from my mother, but my poor sister got double.
Retweeted by AdamIf I learned to understand snakes all I’d hear about is fucking mice and I just don’t have time for that
Retweeted by AdamI read an article once about a woman that was in love with a literal rollercoaster, and all I could think was aren’… https://t.co/bBPyTpjrpS
Retweeted by AdamAhhh that magical time of year that people watch a prognosticating rodent emerge from a hole to predict the seasons...
Retweeted by AdamI hope this email finds you in the desert on a horse with no name.
Retweeted by AdamIf he doesn’t fold you in half like a calzone, what’s the fucking point?
Retweeted by AdamI’m the oldest of three children, born to a bipolar, narcissistic mother, so if there’s one thing I’m good at it’s… https://t.co/KzMniKPDfB
Retweeted by AdamI only made this account for the bobs and vagene DMs.
Retweeted by Adam