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Zach Mason @zachfmason Washington, DC

Director and painter. I love all animals.

456 Following   810 Followers   21,118 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/4/08

missing my parents [pictured] Eisner: You heard me. Everyone at Disney: Michael Eisner: A bee. Had sex. With a lion.
@dogmatopelli hell yeah friend suggested dog-sized elephants who sound like kazoos and I have given her control of the company. @BradBritton Into it.Dress for the job you want and I want to invent dog-size cows.The only ads I get on Instagram are for practical bras and free bleeding panties and I think that’s tweets are like octopus eggs i lay thousands of them and maybe one grows up to be anything
Retweeted by Zach MasonThe main thing I miss about doing improv is getting to yell, “Well. Well. Well.”
@doctopmary Haa. (I am also against the concept of good.)Someone wrote this on a temporary wall in the hallway and I disagree.'s back! This is her "so excited I can't breathe with my mouth closed" face
Retweeted by Zach Mason @tonybreed So glad you two are ok! 💜 @donnerpartyof_1 haa
@hurricanevicky Underground ziggurat.“Well $600 + $1400 is $2000 so actually it’s exactly what was promised” - a bunch of disingenuous fucks telling peo…
Retweeted by Zach Mason @anon_comedienne He is a good boy. @anon_comedienne I need to start an Insta for him because he keeps muscling into mine. @anon_comedienne“Tears in Heaven” walked so Antichrist could rungotten very melancholic over "who'd be an eagle?"... who'd be a human? its been a long thursday
Retweeted by Zach Mason @NestoriousCAT Give him the grain.
DID YOU KNOW? Cameron Crowe would be the villain in an episode of Dateline. @Totally_Big_J @Totally_Big_J So psyched for this crossover event. @skatzhyman Brevity has three syllables. Language is a mess.Sheldon is in his nice log. Hang on in yours.
Retweeted by Zach Mason @jules_duffy 👏👏👏 @jules_duffy J U L E S to begin #joi
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@zachhazard Congratulations! It looks great!This reminds me of the time I summoned a golem - thinking only of what he could do for me, not the danger he posed… know impeachment is the right thing to do but are afraid of being murdered by their supporters. @JamesUrbaniak I was going to type, “not even as a joke,” and then remembered that Travis did horrible things that… @anon_comedienne Haa @anon_comedienne Haaa. He knows how to turn it on for the camera. @anon_comedienne No shame! @anon_comedienne Omg! I was talking about that with a friend recently... how that word has very very specific (but… @anon_comedienne Haaa. Definite underexposed, shot in a basement, gonna have to publicly apologize for the campaign vibes. @anon_comedienne YES. Any kind of art collab time feels especially precious now. (Not to be too emo about it but... seriously.) @anon_comedienne Also: she retold me a story from her Michigan high school days where a teacher (with an Upper Peni… @anon_comedienne I got to talk on the phone with my best friend / writing partner for the first time in a week and… @anon_comedienne Ahh. That’s amazing! @anon_comedienne YES. It’s so important. What’s something that happened today - something you did or something you… @anon_comedienne One person every day seems like a lot. @j3ssamin3 I’ve never tried to clothe him but I think he would Hulk out. @j3ssamin3 He’s a real bad boy. (And also a precious angel.) @SpicyBrianna IF ONLYDestroyer
Gibbous is the little girl at the house fire.respect bizarre TikTok trend is now erasing Keller—and spreading the lie that she never existed to begin with. (via…
Retweeted by Zach Mason assumed The Whale was about an actual whale instead of what it is - Brendan Fraser putting on a fat sui…
Retweeted by Zach Mason @speculawyer This sucks.Turn the sound on for the full experience!
Retweeted by Zach Masonreverting to previous bit where i am an american now. hi guys who wants to go to Taco Bell. i can bring you in my Jeep
Retweeted by Zach Mason @20000TinyJars Got our ass. 😔
I relate to comics: the Hulk is like "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry," & I'm like "You wouldn't like me if you got to know me better."
Retweeted by Zach MasonTwitter has felt rather bleak for the past week, so here’s some #Singapore #otters out for their morning run.
Retweeted by Zach Mason
@atothe_d @fancypetetoms All the Instagram algorithm knows about me - and it is 100% certain about this - I need new bras. @fancypetetoms Haa. (It’s awkward because we briefly dated.) @fancypetetoms @anyapdavidson Brains are weird! (I forgot Fran Lebowitz’s name and Googled new york writer’s block.)
Retweeted by Zach MasonIf you wish Béla Tarr directed a live action Charlotte’s Web, my review of GUNDA is that Viktor Kosakovskiy made so… cat’s review of GUNDA is A+ bird sounds, very good wrestling by the baby pigs, and cows are scary, possibly dogs.
Retweeted by Zach Mason
If your therapist is 15 minutes late you're medicinally allowed to leave
Retweeted by Zach Mason @TruckstopTwank Haaa @jennycavallero @sandi_benton @mabbylmao @lexishaye_ @caitmarielle @AnnamLaughs @mistakoy @AndieIsOnline them if u want to LAUGH @sandi_benton @mabbylmao @lexishaye_ @caitmarielle @AnnamLaughs @zachfmason
Retweeted by Zach MasonDescribe your Twitter account without downloading any new images. the people who were pissed about the Confederate statues coming down be opposed to a new statue of the dude i…
Retweeted by Zach Mason @marinaomi If I had issued a statement about prom.Last night I made a joke; a joke about loneliness and isolation. I do not truly believe that people in quarantine a… @donnerpartyof_1 Excuse me. That is her child slash side piece. @drw and I have been watching Planet Earth and this verbiage has absolutely captured my mind. Great combo of zen li…
Retweeted by Zach MasonA bad boy. I could change him. mean... I get it. is hard damn version of faking an orgasm is, “Ooh. Thank you. I’ve never seen a video of a turtle eating a strawberry.”Goodnight from Hubert
Retweeted by Zach Mason
Happy Birthday to @jennycavallero, a great comedian, filmmaker, and friend. Please follow her unless you’re some ki…’all wanna come to DC but don’t know who is organizing here. Please don’t come for us unless we sent for you. Inst…
Retweeted by Zach Mason“I had this whole chunk on the Capitol Police not being Nazi sympathizers.” @e11enLN It’s ok! (Not macro level ok, obv.) But thank you for your posts today. I relate.Shout out to the Senators and Representatives giving speeches tonight that start like, “Look... I wrote this before… @e11enLN I was in Berlin when the Pittsburgh synagogue shootings happened and it felt awful and confusing to feel s… the time I was told I couldn’t enter the Capitol without throwing away my banana.
Retweeted by Zach Masoni got locked out for like 2 months for saying i was mayor deblasio and that i had hurt my wiener playing basketball
Retweeted by Zach Mason
@jules_duffy Jules. Thank you.Black writers spent five years saying what this was, where it came from, and where it could lead. Their critics sni…
Retweeted by Zach MasonPlaces you can donate that keep DC residents safe, housed, fed, healthy: @CasaRubyDC @DCW1MutualAid @DCW4MutualAid
Retweeted by Zach MasonSo predictable. @_al_man That’s amazing and so rare!My elementary Hebrew school had swastikas painted on it and bullets fired through its windows. Someone tried to lig… I can think about is how growing up Jewish we were taught so much about the Nazis. Everything we’ve seen in Ame…
Retweeted by Zach Mason