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Zach Mason @zachfmason Washington, DC

Director and painter. I love all animals.

456 Following   810 Followers   21,118 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/4/08


missing my parents [pictured] https://t.co/71eFOnUdhUMichael Eisner: You heard me. Everyone at Disney: Michael Eisner: A bee. Had sex. With a lion. https://t.co/0EnhZth6La
1/18
2021
@dogmatopelli hell yeah https://t.co/J0eQRPk3JhA friend suggested dog-sized elephants who sound like kazoos and I have given her control of the company. @BradBritton Into it.Dress for the job you want and I want to invent dog-size cows.The only ads I get on Instagram are for practical bras and free bleeding panties and I think that’s beautiful.my tweets are like octopus eggs i lay thousands of them and maybe one grows up to be anything
Retweeted by Zach MasonThe main thing I miss about doing improv is getting to yell, “Well. Well. Well.”
1/17
2021
@doctopmary Haa. (I am also against the concept of good.)Someone wrote this on a temporary wall in the hallway and I disagree. https://t.co/4QGT4wjuhDShe's back! This is her "so excited I can't breathe with my mouth closed" face https://t.co/SDrTV0upoA
Retweeted by Zach Mason @tonybreed So glad you two are ok! 💜 @donnerpartyof_1 haa
1/16
2021
@hurricanevicky Underground ziggurat.“Well $600 + $1400 is $2000 so actually it’s exactly what was promised” - a bunch of disingenuous fucks telling peo… https://t.co/bTEmf5HqZ2
Retweeted by Zach Mason @anon_comedienne He is a good boy. @anon_comedienne I need to start an Insta for him because he keeps muscling into mine. https://t.co/kIom8CEq1m @anon_comedienne https://t.co/YsVCwP7i8Lhttps://t.co/3f9Mb4FL4E“Tears in Heaven” walked so Antichrist could rungotten very melancholic over "who'd be an eagle?"... who'd be a human? its been a long thursday https://t.co/3RzNVuAcw6
Retweeted by Zach Mason @NestoriousCAT Give him the grain.
1/15
2021
DID YOU KNOW? Cameron Crowe would be the villain in an episode of Dateline. https://t.co/xoLy073Qx8 @Totally_Big_J https://t.co/3hTAj0hMyr @Totally_Big_J So psyched for this crossover event. @skatzhyman Brevity has three syllables. Language is a mess.Sheldon is in his nice log. Hang on in yours. https://t.co/L85tGi1qYs
Retweeted by Zach Mason @jules_duffy 👏👏👏 @jules_duffy J U L E S https://t.co/vtHJortkvOWhere to begin #joi https://t.co/LJVg0LwCIH
Retweeted by Zach Mason
1/14
2021
@zachhazard Congratulations! It looks great!This reminds me of the time I summoned a golem - thinking only of what he could do for me, not the danger he posed… https://t.co/hCQTe3mNzIRepublicans know impeachment is the right thing to do but are afraid of being murdered by their supporters. @JamesUrbaniak I was going to type, “not even as a joke,” and then remembered that Travis did horrible things that… https://t.co/QqkGWTfdvi @anon_comedienne Haa @anon_comedienne Haaa. He knows how to turn it on for the camera. @anon_comedienne No shame! @anon_comedienne Omg! I was talking about that with a friend recently... how that word has very very specific (but… https://t.co/88gBtnYEZ5 @anon_comedienne Haaa. Definite underexposed, shot in a basement, gonna have to publicly apologize for the campaign vibes. @anon_comedienne YES. Any kind of art collab time feels especially precious now. (Not to be too emo about it but... seriously.) @anon_comedienne Also: she retold me a story from her Michigan high school days where a teacher (with an Upper Peni… https://t.co/oWbs2LjAQc @anon_comedienne I got to talk on the phone with my best friend / writing partner for the first time in a week and… https://t.co/sr7FrL4hS7 @anon_comedienne Ahh. That’s amazing! @anon_comedienne YES. It’s so important. What’s something that happened today - something you did or something you… https://t.co/72BgfbZUzs @anon_comedienne One person every day seems like a lot. @j3ssamin3 I’ve never tried to clothe him but I think he would Hulk out. @j3ssamin3 He’s a real bad boy. (And also a precious angel.) @SpicyBrianna IF ONLYDestroyer https://t.co/BjOSp7uz90
1/13
2021
Gibbous is the little girl at the house fire.respect https://t.co/Xc9PJmH15oA bizarre TikTok trend is now erasing Keller—and spreading the lie that she never existed to begin with. (via… https://t.co/USlsTswZAH
Retweeted by Zach Masonhttps://t.co/3wbM71cdH3.@sonicdork assumed The Whale was about an actual whale instead of what it is - Brendan Fraser putting on a fat sui… https://t.co/sAMCtSCOti
Retweeted by Zach Mason @speculawyer This sucks.Turn the sound on for the full experience! https://t.co/bwSxrcnMGG
Retweeted by Zach Masonreverting to previous bit where i am an american now. hi guys who wants to go to Taco Bell. i can bring you in my Jeep
Retweeted by Zach Mason @20000TinyJars Got our ass. 😔
1/12
2021
I relate to comics: the Hulk is like "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry," & I'm like "You wouldn't like me if you got to know me better."
Retweeted by Zach MasonTwitter has felt rather bleak for the past week, so here’s some #Singapore #otters out for their morning run. https://t.co/7otq7kwsuE
Retweeted by Zach Mason
1/11
2021
@atothe_d @fancypetetoms All the Instagram algorithm knows about me - and it is 100% certain about this - I need new bras. @fancypetetoms Haa. (It’s awkward because we briefly dated.) @fancypetetoms https://t.co/vTenMccBQH @anyapdavidson Brains are weird! (I forgot Fran Lebowitz’s name and Googled new york writer’s block.)
1/10
2021
https://t.co/Rt4g31MDsC
Retweeted by Zach MasonIf you wish Béla Tarr directed a live action Charlotte’s Web, my review of GUNDA is that Viktor Kosakovskiy made so… https://t.co/wUirjxHojkMy cat’s review of GUNDA is A+ bird sounds, very good wrestling by the baby pigs, and cows are scary, possibly dogs. https://t.co/QSPDJukd3ONap https://t.co/kFQmMoJeAL
Retweeted by Zach Mason
1/9
2021
If your therapist is 15 minutes late you're medicinally allowed to leave
Retweeted by Zach Mason @TruckstopTwank Haaa @jennycavallero @sandi_benton @mabbylmao @lexishaye_ @caitmarielle @AnnamLaughs @mistakoy @AndieIsOnlinehttps://t.co/AOgyiLjqFlFollow them if u want to LAUGH @sandi_benton @mabbylmao @lexishaye_ @caitmarielle @AnnamLaughs @zachfmasonhttps://t.co/qpkov35nqz
Retweeted by Zach MasonDescribe your Twitter account without downloading any new images. https://t.co/Gi1RlWhlDU https://t.co/TnhUUU1JNVWould the people who were pissed about the Confederate statues coming down be opposed to a new statue of the dude i… https://t.co/RkLPVo08WZ
Retweeted by Zach Mason @marinaomi If I had issued a statement about prom.Last night I made a joke; a joke about loneliness and isolation. I do not truly believe that people in quarantine a… https://t.co/a5AwO5tEj7 @donnerpartyof_1 Excuse me. That is her child slash side piece. @drw and I have been watching Planet Earth and this verbiage has absolutely captured my mind. Great combo of zen li… https://t.co/PEwhQCoeCs
Retweeted by Zach MasonA bad boy. I could change him. https://t.co/YRNutD07ZoI mean... I get it. https://t.co/xePc8Faf4Bquar is hard damn https://t.co/3GetytFZqgMy version of faking an orgasm is, “Ooh. Thank you. I’ve never seen a video of a turtle eating a strawberry.”Goodnight from Hubert https://t.co/iAei3eqHVj
Retweeted by Zach Mason
1/8
2021
Happy Birthday to @jennycavallero, a great comedian, filmmaker, and friend. Please follow her unless you’re some ki… https://t.co/9E9WxlJMVaY’all wanna come to DC but don’t know who is organizing here. Please don’t come for us unless we sent for you. Inst… https://t.co/KdchGLB3mF
Retweeted by Zach Mason“I had this whole chunk on the Capitol Police not being Nazi sympathizers.” @e11enLN It’s ok! (Not macro level ok, obv.) But thank you for your posts today. I relate.Shout out to the Senators and Representatives giving speeches tonight that start like, “Look... I wrote this before… https://t.co/bIafPBTpRW @e11enLN I was in Berlin when the Pittsburgh synagogue shootings happened and it felt awful and confusing to feel s… https://t.co/ID8vqxrMHARemembering the time I was told I couldn’t enter the Capitol without throwing away my banana.
Retweeted by Zach Masoni got locked out for like 2 months for saying i was mayor deblasio and that i had hurt my wiener playing basketball https://t.co/KZhXG00h6S
Retweeted by Zach Mason
1/7
2021
@jules_duffy Jules. Thank you.Black writers spent five years saying what this was, where it came from, and where it could lead. Their critics sni… https://t.co/SSUdlJKEop
Retweeted by Zach MasonPlaces you can donate that keep DC residents safe, housed, fed, healthy: @CasaRubyDC @DCW1MutualAid @DCW4MutualAidhttps://t.co/HywNPSPbCF
Retweeted by Zach MasonSo predictable. @_al_man That’s amazing and so rare!My elementary Hebrew school had swastikas painted on it and bullets fired through its windows. Someone tried to lig… https://t.co/rGHQXrzuwGAll I can think about is how growing up Jewish we were taught so much about the Nazis. Everything we’ve seen in Ame… https://t.co/4NvrjCthMn
Retweeted by Zach Mason
1/6
2021

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