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Zach Heltzel @zachheltzel Los Angeles, CA

Hi, I'm Michael Alig, and you're watching Disney Channel! Host of @normpod; hack writer; fiend for mojitos.

903 Following   15,817 Followers   33,462 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/4/09


@TheNelGOD And tanked his approval rating in the process!democrats won’t impeach because the average american has no interest in criminal conspiracies, international espionage or porn stars
Retweeted by Zach Heltzelnot sure about this take https://t.co/MsAycKG7QZ
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelCorrect me if I'm wrong, but I have literally never seen a Republican run for office talking about how they will be… https://t.co/eUKfQhP95iDon't flatter yourself, you're not a sociopath. Just a garden-variety millennial narcissist.
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @obrienjohnjack Goodbye cruel world. I will be there in a few minutes. You up? 💦Am I attracted to someone or do I just want them to beat me up in an asexual, aromantic way?https://t.co/Xc7dIDpHTuJust so interesting how there’s a specific kind of teenager who so often has both ready need of and access to crisis communications firms
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelIf you Stay out can't take of https://t.co/eV4oWaqmWQMatt Damon in the basement of Harvard writing the n word all over a chalkboard
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @jessecrall I think he's generally pro-Eastwood and is being cheeky.Must be nice to have no real problems so you spend all day being mad about trans athletes and racist kids not going to their dream college. @jmurray829 hahahaha stay mad broUH OH! THE HETEROS ARE UPSETERO AGAIN!
Retweeted by Zach Heltzelthe suburbs on Euphoria vs the suburbs in real life https://t.co/2DvjRcWvOw
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @elijahdaniel CULTURAL MARXISM LOLSupporting him is an unambiguously evil act you deserve to spend the rest of your life atoning for. https://t.co/BEXfUzpjI4She's going to be such a good cabinet member in the Warren administration. https://t.co/dwXnYBefYH @LouisPeitzman @matt_mart @ewarren All clothes are unisex if you rock them well, and you do!P.J. and Squi would be so fucking ashamed. https://t.co/lwBfKkth1G @iamfuturetense @MELayesen In this analogy, Arizona is Pennsylvania and that's not wrong either. @elijahdaniel You better heckin' outlive me, you little shit
6/18
2019
My coworkers in an open-concept office every four minutes https://t.co/OV7VuW4ZbA
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @yashar @elijahdaniel @andylassner Elijah bought a town because the name was funny. This is literally the plot of Schitt's Creek. @jules_su Heartbreaking: the worst person you know just made a great point @mrnickysmoke @wpavlik2 It's abundantly clear that Nick is the homophobic one of the both of us. Just absolutely hates LGBT people. @Bridget59 Yes.I don't care that a racist kid doesn't get to go to Harvard. He'll go to Duke or UChicago and become obscenely wealthy either way. @RobSandIA Correction: https://t.co/7Cq735cSNR @RobSandIA 42 yards. I...slightly exaggeratedIt’s messed up that Keanu Reeves played John Wick, John Constantine, Johnny Utah, Johnny Mnemonic, and Jonathan Har… https://t.co/AkDq8yMJXA
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @RobSandIA I would have to ask him because I wouldn't have a clue (I was and always will be an indoor kid) but it w… https://t.co/jvahfiXh4m @ParkerMolloy Oh no what public figure said the gamer word @lizzieohreally Family members and random people/businesses I used to call a lot 15+ years ago that I have no idea… https://t.co/HTFVnGtamG @TalaveraDonna Her parent! @jessecarp EXACT same energy as the US version of Skins. I'm out. @laynemorgan It's kind of out of focus so it was probably a stunt cock but yeah a guy puts a condom on directly in front of the frameThis is pretty fucking redundant for a show that's on HBO. https://t.co/dBVNBKSw9xTHIS WEEK: We are joined by @dave_schilling to discuss the upcoming debates, Joe Biden's cancer moonshot, why it's… https://t.co/yCgJpmW26W
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelTHIS WEEK ON @normpod: @dave_schilling joins @grantpardee and I to talk about the upcoming Democratic debates and,… https://t.co/n6Irb7T1gy*braces for dragging* https://t.co/8Y52M6z3vj
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelTo everyone who responds to my dating woes by saying I should get on Grindr or start dating men: cut it the fuck out, please."My Amabella was bullied last year. So, we're going to make sure THAT doesn't happen again." https://t.co/WxVt8Yi88T
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelRick Moranis: we’re going to win *quick flashbacks to his team practicing* Ed O’Neill: you’ll never beat my cowbo… https://t.co/a6lV0Sl9DS
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelTo all of you taking umbrage with my dad no-scoping an elk from several hundred feet with a bow and arrow: My mom… https://t.co/qplYKWZAGL @UofAlec Happy Father's Day to the only person I've ever seen casually jog in the rain. @UofAlec My family living room is a gallery of taxidermied heads and my dad is all in for Kamala Harris.My parents were young when they had us so in a way I got to watch them grow up while they watched us grow up. As o… https://t.co/w71B7giOazJust because O.J. is on Twitter doesn't mean you get to be on Twitter. https://t.co/lIROo5Rjsy @911_blondie @yashar I'm a vegetarian, so I get it. My relationship with my parents hasn't always been easy but it'… https://t.co/zfpIfqSYCX @mattstaggs 100% agree. @pixelpreaching Quite!Meet my Dad. He loves big game hunting, baseball, chewing tobacco, Oakley sunglasses, his Ford Bronco, Coors Light,… https://t.co/0RvAWPTMH7 @gohomeben Hahahaha you nailed it @pixelpreaching It's great but the way it's been appropriated as a piece of pro-life art makes it a weird one to talk about in this moment.Nobody on Tinder wants to come over and fix me. @JimJarmuschHair I'm going to be sad when Amazon Studios stops finding increasingly weird ways to light Jeff Bezos's money on fire. @teejslipko TJ you know this is like 80% my personal brand, right? @Ergosto I wasn't.O.J. Simpson could run for the Republican nomination in 2024 and win if he said enough fucked up things about immigrants and gay people.
6/17
2019
@chriscrosby @LexG_III False. AI will never be able to walk the tightrope of knowing when the subtitle should say "… https://t.co/b5rcO6cGJwLiterally the only good thing going for me right now is that I don't have student loan debt so I'm gonna go to grad school and fix that.new hobby is only writing characters who have strong contempt for me and everyone i know https://t.co/EN5Y2h16gN
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @kellyamedia Delete this @chrisgeidner @ngeidner Your nephew called you gay, Chris.Don't wish your dad a happy Father's Day if he can't tell you at least six facts about Pete Rose and the Cincinatti Reds. @JimJarmuschHair HE's own Andrew's mom @danicalbarnett MARNIElol we would buy them but you decided that new jobs requiring college degrees and 10 years of experience pay $40k a… https://t.co/DY17QabZKENEW NORMPOD MERCH: Everything gets donated to charities and activists except our new $999.99 blank white t-shirt. T… https://t.co/Rh9mAaLKnP
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelHappy Father's Day! https://t.co/viBITC85IS @grantpardee Hahahahahah oh hell yeah @abbycohenwl Hell yeah, Abby! Well done @TheNelGOD She is, in fact, for Medicare for All. https://t.co/DYrs4ZjhWIBernie's got a good policy agenda and surrounds himself with some of the biggest fucking bozos on the planet. https://t.co/5C2GP36eBj @MichaelVarrati You two. @hollyweirdo You don't have kids or a giant chest tattoo so yes, you are a Phoenix 700. @Danny_Inglese @normpod I need everyone in the Yang gang to get on Marianne Williamson's vibes. @jacobtwop HOWLINGOne day Nicolas Cage is going to try to steal @yashar because he is truly a national treasure. @kristincliff is it still in theaters?This is remarkably similar to the results we got in the @normpod straw poll. The vast majority of our listeners are… https://t.co/G1Tq7Efq8RWhat's more likely to happen by November 2020? @zandywithaz UGH. Props to your instincts. @oksurenathan don't you dare @ethan_mud @claire_hom I will pay Claire to not make me play golf.I need 4.3k more people to follow me so I can feel like hot shit for like an hour before going back to being sad and irrelevant. @filmgatereviews It is in fact The Boy and she chose her words intentionally. @sammynickalls Iconic. @joeyz95 How dare you.Shot/chaser/glass of ice water https://t.co/T3L58JKrYO
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @yashar you are truly a glutton for punishmentDana Martin. Ashanti Carmon. Claire Legato. Muhlaysia Booker. Paris Cameron. Michelle “Tamika” Washington. Chynal L… https://t.co/aFj5BRFqwE
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel
6/16
2019
I don't know who needs to hear this right now but I'm a dumb little baby. @hollyweirdo how the actual fucking dare youThis is the future liberals want (unironically) https://t.co/BcuuSjt4azheard y’all like hand pics https://t.co/CjiZep9BTg
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @normpod https://t.co/NYEC1m5bbc @dooce @_eggplantain All my sins were committed back when the logo looked like this! I'm going to have to delete my… https://t.co/jKZdpX54Tt
6/15
2019

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