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Zach Heltzel @zachheltzel Los Angeles, CA

A tropical depression that could fall apart at any time; not expected to get very far.

968 Following   16,708 Followers   10,493 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/4/09

If they don't put me on Cameo soon I will have no choice but to start an Onlyfans.Me: I'm going to the gym five times a week and maybe I'll even start going on dates again Coronavirus: we still doing these?
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelUpdate: they started fixing it today. I'm wearing underwear I weaved out of CVS receiptsBECAUSE IT WENT TO EMERSON
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelAny mofo coming out of this quarantine with a King Lear is the devil and cannot be trusted.
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelDoes it contain hydroxychloroquine? @ManipulateThis LET'S GO TO QUADRANGLESEveryone keeps proposing casting for a Tiger King movie as if Amy Sedaris shouldn't play every role?
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelYou: Write your own King Lear while in isolation! Me:
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelWho would have thought that three months later that guy who got his wife a Peloton for Christmas would look like a genius? @menace2snacks @RachelLeishman Rachel THEY ADDRESS THISlol just remembered I wrote a radio ad in college for $100 and it went national for five fucking yearsjust remembered the part of 40 year old virgin where he says boobs feel like a bag of sand and nearly fell off my bed laughing @kellyamedia That's called meth, Kiki. @yashar Next tweet: @adventurekids8 I hadn't. Of Nirvanna The Band?Some personal news: I "invoked" the "P"FEBRUARY SECOND
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelGood morning, please enjoy the photos that finally broke me
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelJust drove around LA for the first time in two weeks. It's like Coachella weekend 1 LA out there.Whoops wore this shirt on a work Zoom call today @yashar I'm so horny, but that was a problem long before anyone caught the Roni.Literally any girl during social distancing: hey, are you doing okay? Me: my will in case I get the Roni.
@JoshuaConkel I think it's like buying a used luxury car where the cost of maintenance is so high that the cost of… @adamjohnsonNYC @TheAdamSass It's like 60/40.I want some spinach and artichoke dip but do I "risk getting a deadly virus and spreading it to my roommate" want spinach and artichoke dip?Too late bitch
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelWhat the fuck ever, buff people in period pieces who canonically do not lift.Get Miles Teller in the Tiger King movie. don't know who needs to hear this but the $2 trillion relief bill doesn't just give people $1,200 checks - it exp… @kayemeh I'm overcompensating for the fact that I'm baby.My parents keep offering to pick me up and bring me to their house, but...I have a car and am specifically not driv… you tell someone they're your crush under quarantine and it's not reciprocated, it doesn't count and they cannot be mad at you.We’re proud to partner with @MLB to support emergency personnel who are fighting against COVID-19 and face a need f…
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelThis is like doing laundry a week after you ran out of underwear and started freeballing it.
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel4 weeks ago: 61 cases, 0 deaths 3 weeks ago: 265 cases, 14 deaths 2 weeks ago: 1,899 cases, 41 deaths 1 week ago: 1… mean, just do you...whatever that is. And if you're in the mood for a Diet Coke, have a Diet Coke.Life is short. If you want to live in a yurt, yurt it up. If you want to run in a marathon, I mean, that sounds super hard, but OK.It’s delicious. It makes me feel good.THREAD: Look, here’s the thing about Diet Coke. @jamieloftusHELP now more than ever, this criticism of you is cursed @danielleweisber I'm mentally preparing for 2020 sluttery to be possible by, like, July...and oh Lord am I going to be INSUFFERABLE @LouisPeitzman I've gone from spending 90% of the time at home to 100%, so naturally I wasn't going to change THAT muchall they know is sourdough starter, joe exotic, change they zoom background, be bisexual , eat hot chip & lie"Why isn't the media covering this?" he said during a global pandemic that is the single biggest economic and publi…
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @yashar March 15th.Cool. Cool cool cool.
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @LouisPeitzman This is very Louis. @mattyglesias Inslee would have won.My building's washer and dryer have been broken for weeks so I had to order new sheets. @Rachele_F Shit you're THOROUGHI don't know how you can look at this and not conclude that Jupiter Ascending is one of the best movies ever made. on golf courses in the Phoenix suburbs are going to be like a hundred grand next year. anything have gone wrong if we cut halted all rents, all mortgages, all bills, all economic activity for a fe… @TylerMoliterno not at allDidn't think much of this dweeb and his approachably cute friends but I'm starting to think he secretly has abs., everyone in this is impossibly gorgeous, but the cherubic ticket taker and the Abercrombie bartender can co… receiving quarantine nudes from a casual acquaintance because fuck it there are no rules anymore shows the location data of phones that were on a Florida beach during Spring Break. It then shows where those…
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelI will never have sexual tension with anyone like these two have. Holy moly. @MuseZack Ronald Klain was ringing the alarm bells in The Atlantic in January and he would have been the most likel…"He's having the worst day of his life...over, and over..." if he didn't break established precedent to have a press conference a week before an election president clinton… time Maria Menounos told me "See you next time on Noovie," I never thought next time would be so far away.I hope to one day be hot enough to identify as poly. @KevinTPorter I was not prepared for this much Kevin stem.Might drink a vodka tonic, take my shirt off and rank every person in the AMC Theatres preroll on how hot they are. @AlexanderDeLuca god dammitWe're letting a game show host mass murder Americans and brag about it on cable TV. the year you turned 10 into gif search @msdanifernandez I haven't listened to it but I can't imagine it being WORSE than the Netflix show - it is wayyyyyy… @msdanifernandez There's a Wondery podcast about it. @JimJarmuschHair hahahaha I actually haveOnce we can do stuff again, what are some good LA date spots I can take the harem that's forming in my DMs?I miss when saying things like "I would risk it all to go get Taco Bell" was hyperbole and not literal.Very cool how if Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders or literally any Democrat were President, the amount of economic… someone explain like I'm five why we can't churn out ventilators like their Xboxes and just have a ton of them?…
@obrienjohnjack @JimJarmuschHair Blow OutWe're #1! We're #1! USA! USA! do people even sext? Do they just sit on the couch and text "Hey, cool boobs, show me your front hole" before s… @RyanHoulihan I don't want to risk going to the grocery store!I don't know what "until tomorrow" is supposed to mean and at this point I feel too old to ask.Hey there Delilah, What's it like in New York City? ...Oh. ...Oh Jesus. ...Do you have food? ...Okay, good. ...T…
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelIf they wanted us to save them, they should have been American companies. @brockwilbur oh thank god @ManipulateThis Disease lags. New cases today are from people getting infected two weeks ago.Hulu said gay rights. GARNER STAYS HOME FOR VICTOR GARBER AND SHE’LL PRINT IT ON HER LASERJET SWEETIE
Retweeted by Zach HeltzelThis is not satire. They've traced the roots of COVID-19's spread in Europe to an Austrian ski bar... where people…
Retweeted by Zach Heltzel @Neil_McNeil WE JUST WANT TO BE LOVED PALBeing forced to stay home all the time is making me revert back to all my Summer 2008 habits. I stay up til 3 every… @sanjmovies @LexG_III 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 🚨🚨ALL UNITS REPORT🚨🚨 / 🚔 \ / 🚔 \… @ScottforFlorida @BernieSanders We want people to stay home during a pandemic, Rick. We aren't all the dude from th… @theb0tfather Every outie I know has abs. THAT'S privilege. @mellcath Yeah EDC isn't gonna happen. Probably needs a state or local authority to shut it down or else they won't get an insurance payout.