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digital @ the problem with jon stewart. previously @patriotact. no views my own. my birthday is next year

2,944 Following   16,031 Followers   22,734 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/18/12

seems unwise, but what do i know? only reason i want to get married is so that the first time i get home with her i can say "this IS my beautiful… used to think Hyundai was just a fancy way of saying Honda
Retweeted by zach silberberg @annabel_meschke be nice to kalie she's on the beach that makes you old @goodnemmie they got oldthis is what lesbian sex looks like
Retweeted by zach silberbergmy dad just sent me this pic of my mom and i’m shaking
Retweeted by zach silberbergcapital letters are so aggressive oh my goddddddd just calm down and be small
Retweeted by zach silberbergcoffee mug that says “dont talk to me until i’ve accidentally dropped an ice cube on the floor and kicked it under the fridge” @125mgzoloft it kind of isgoing to see my parents for the first time in 20 months tonight :-) @themikereese The Odyssey? @annabel_meschke bring on sweater weather baybee @GenerallyAGamer i think you are confused. this is not a tweet about laundry, this is a tweet about an emotional support ratatouillemy brain can create a yellow circle but cant create serotonin? this is bullshit’s no such thing as podcasts 🙄
Retweeted by zach silberberg(on an airplane, arguing with the flight attendant) you don’t understand- that’s my emotional support ratatouilleMatt Damon found dead!!
Retweeted by zach silberberg @erinisaway damn if only he faced consequences 🥴sorry so many ppl relate to this lol. we really in it huhhey mom can you pick me up? yeah im reaping what i sowedshould i see it? i dont really like cop movies god this morning and SHE said i will not know heaven @corruptedgem better than shrimp tails? @callymcallym you underestimate my poweranyway yall know any plants that are hard to kill?you know how you get links to help lines if you google anything about depression or self harm? i feel like the same… the anti-vax crowd seems to be overlooking is that after your vaccine is a great time to go have a little ice cream treat
Retweeted by zach silberbergthis thread is getting divisive responses but at least i wash my legsgoodnightmy favorite city.. san fran drescher @verymimi @stopolive no way…. am i speaking with royaltythose are his hooves you bitch dont take pills to feel better. i take pills to give the osmosis jones guys in my tummy something to do @DaWakandaTarget @Twitter you make some good pointseveryone just answer this poll and leave me out of it @willdotjpg @Twitter i want to diehey @twitter how do i stop seeing notifications and quote tweets for something i muted? please help i dont care wha… guy shows up to the club and asks your girl to try to land a blow against him wyd @SupLauren i cant do everything @ronnui_ oh god…. please be careful“thats not very anti-abolitionist of you zach” okay but hear me out: no more jails except for the cops who just got arrestedthey should make it illegal to be a cop so then all the cops just arrest themselves @ronnui_ just did one in my head and had a good chuckle. thanks for this! @orchidcamp this is good @segoknot oh my godis it good or bad that my pinned tweet is a joke that features matt damon right now“that guy” yeah i know its pagliaccithe doctor who told that guy to go see pagliacci should have his license revoked. thats not treatment. thats insane @TracieHunte @Tanvim as long as im here i will also throw this one into the ring should make a pill so that when you take it nobody else can be in the kitchen at the same time as you
Retweeted by zach silberbergthis tweet is blowing up so much i'm still getting notifications even though it's muted. i didnt realize people wou… @goodnemmie i get it but i dont like it @goodnemmie i just couldnt connect the dots @goodnemmie what the fucki hate when food delivery sites change their language depending on the time of day. when i go on seamless to order… @samuel_lanier not enough people are saying this @jeffkupko @seanfbrown okay? nice rhyme @OwMyNose its on the floor @McKenzieDewese ok actual data. this is a good ideaswallowing 20mg of melatonin with a shot of espresso because i want the osmosis jones guy inside me to freak out about what should happenanyone wanna come over and play boar on the floor? 🥺👉👈 🐗 its a gameturns out its just a bunch of people either agreeing or disagreeing with the tweet. im going to mute this because i dont care @NE0NGENESlS no. this photo has a threatening aurai put too much effort into this @sablaah do u have in-unit laundry thosorry everyone. at the end of 2019 i was like "ok whats the worst that could happen?" and i broke a bunch of mirrors as a joke @crayolaawonderr but he 100% has the guy from the thing energy and you know it @JodyAmable if we didnt spend all our money on AVOCADO TOAST and SEX TOYS maybe we could afford HOUSES so we could SEPARATE OUR LAUNDRY @crayolaawonderr why
who's an actor who when they show up you're like "oh shit it's the guy from the thing! you know, the... ah shit wel… @clapifyoulikeme right!!! if im paying per load im not washing my 6 white shirts on their own!!i can sense it.... someone is gonna quote tweet with something like "actually not separating your laundry is a sign… read this too quickly and my brain spat out "matt damon twink" @arshharjani titties outif i were matt damon i simply would have kept that to myselfDating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Retweeted by zach silberbergmatt damon bought a zoo but couldn’t buy some common sense @eggshellfriend (guy whos 5'5 voice) im 5'6nights at Truffoni's asking the waiter for water to pour where we sit huge piece of shit[to the tune of Eleanor Rigby] holding a baby see how it cries for it knows of my youthful mistakes those sloppy steakswe still doing these jokes or @MattxRed the horny mom lasagna scene... so great to see this moment of history captured like a fly in amber
Retweeted by zach silberbergthis means there is a non-zero chance he said it on the set of 2011’s We Bought A Zoo @bummer_no_b ok yeah this joke is pretty solid @bummer_no_b hang on let me google secretariat heart👏 MAKE 👏 STREGA 👏 NONA 👏 A 👏 PLAYABLE 👏 CHARACTER 👏 ON 👏 SUPER 👏 SMASH 👏 BROS
Retweeted by zach silberberg @Srirachachau the beach made them oldthis is how i feel about iced coffee @CafeteriaJangle sorry i dont keep up with the latest in detergent technologywash em all on cold, baybee!!yall wanna talk about generational divides? i dont know anyone under 40 who separates laundry into lights and darks @Srirachachau yes. invent a new persona @smithsara79 hell yes!!! its maybe the most gorgeous movie ive ever seen?? cannot recommend enough @smithsara79 the fall! the lee pace movie not the gillian anderson show